The Power of Touch - A Family of Men (Patreon Magazine) (Patreon)

I'm in the very back of the van on the way home from the morning run at Silverlake. The two boys next to me are leaning into each other's shoulders to watch the tiny screen, held in the hand of Geng Gat, the older of two cousins, watching Master Chef Thailand. The curtain on my right side is flapping wildly because the sliding doors to the van are open, allowing outside air to blast through the whole cabin, giving us a maybe 10 minute "dry off" period before we get to the main highway and have to close the doors and rely on the air con. 

There are a few empty seats in the rows between where I'm sitting and the front, but in the shotgun seat is Bank - who always sits shotgun - as well as Team, sharing a single seat. They're not small bodied. To fit both of them in one seat requires a kind of layering of them, or an entwining. Their butts both fit, but Team has to rest his arm around Bank in order to allow their shoulders to fit in that space. It's a 30 minute arm-on-the-shoulder embrace, and what I find so remarkable about this is that it's completely unnecessary. There are empty seats, which means Team just likes sitting with Bank. And he doesn't do it on the way out to the run, when most of us are nodding our heads in a silent, semi-slumber to the bumps of the road. But on the way back, when all the boys are shirtless and we're all sweating - when that kind of proximity would be uncomfortable - that's when these two sit like this.

Even more intriguing to me, as I watch through the gaps between the seats, is how Team kind of absent-mindedly scratches Bank's neck or shoulder. I do this to my husband when we're watching movies at night, my fingernails finding a spot on his skin that they become fixated on and work to scratch away. My mother used to do this to my father, scratching his head and shoulders as they sat side-by-side on the couch, watching a movie as a family. It reads as very affectionate to me. Not sexual, but intimate for sure. And this is not unusual among Thai men. When two of the boys (now all nearly men, in their late teens) are sitting or standing close together, often one will put his hand on the other in some way. When Kevin and I were circling the cremation shrine during Sirimongkol's procession, the two Golden Age Legends walking in front of us - 70 years old and 43 years old, respectively - had their arms wrapped around each other's shoulders like a scene from Stand by Me, the quintessential "coming of age" film of my generation. It's not an age thing; they won't grow out of it. 

There's a reason I notice this so much. One is that I come from a culture where homophobia has become so rampant that men just don't touch each other like this, so it stands out. Although I remember it as being something that used to be common, even if all my mental examples aren't from my own lifetime. I'm not sure. But the reason I note it so distinctly is because, in this culture, I spend a great deal of concerted effort not touching anybody. I make a point of having distance between my leg and whoever is sitting next to me in the van. When taking a photo, I might have my hand behind a man's back in a kind of "arms around each other" imitation, but I don't actually make contact with their back. I actively, conservatively, avoid this kind of casual intimacy. When you make a point to avoid something, it means you're already focused on it. So seeing it makes total sense. But it's because I'm not a boy that I have to spend all this effort not touching anybody. I couldn't casually wrap my arm over one of the fighter's shoulders - nor would any Thai woman who wasn't their girlfriend or mother... and even the girlfriend would be transgressing a bit in public. But the fraternity of these fighters, of my teammates, it's beautiful to me. The two boys sitting next to me in the back row of seats, the way their shoulders crash into each other so they can both look at the phone, it's powerful. It's powerful in how it has great meaning toward their relationship, but also powerful in how - for them, as boys and men - it doesn't mean anything at all.

As the only woman in a male space, everything has meaning. I kind of long for the power of un-meaning.

If you want to discover more about Bank and my gym Petchrungruang, watch the Kaimuay Diaries documentary series, especially the last episode #6 when Dieselnoi took him under his wing:  Kaimuay Diaries - Episode 6 Dieselnoi In The House Pt 2: Bank  

 If you enjoyed this article you may like my other patron-only articles on my experiences in Thailand:ARTICLES - Patreon Magazine

• Patron Only Articles - These articles are written specially for my patrons and are my attempts to expand as a writer. They are full of richer descriptions, and take on themes not always talked about in the experience of being a fighter.

The Jade Dragon Set - The Nature of the Boys  The young boys at Petchrungruang gym, and the building of trust and truthfulness watch it here 

Pi Nu's Hands - What is good?  - This is an extraordinary lesson taught to me by my kru Pi Nu, on the nature of the mind and what is good. It almost has a "Kung Fu master" thing about it, the answer to what is Good. read it here Little Blue 

Champion - The Next Generation of Fighters - I'm just taken by a little blue fighter at a local fight in Chiang Mai, round, pudgy, a complete visual underdog. It speaks to coming of age as a fighter. read it here 

Alley Tears: The First Time I Cried After a Fight In a Long While - it had been years since I had cried after a fight, maybe even ever, but something in me broke down after a loss to a World Champion several weight classes above me. read it here 

The Storm That Overtakes The Boy - Giving In | The storm within us, the storm outside of us. It is our choice. Or, this could be called "Learning to ride the donkey, and not look for the donkey." read it here 

Insisting On Left - The Space Between Pi and Kru | The story of how it is a delicate balance with my Kru when insisting on changing my stance to southpaw read it here Arjan Surat: The Unbreakable Breaker of Bangkok | Maybe the toughest, hardest man in Thailand. Arjan Surat is 63 and made of the stuff that feels like it's from 100 years ago. The unbreakable breaker. read it here 

When I First Met Dieselnoi: A Giant in my Soul | The powerful impression the legendary Dieselnoi made on me right from the start, a resonating impact that has made on me as a person. read it here 

The Perfection of Festival Fights in Thailand | A trip to the clinic to receive a boosting IV leaves me drifting through thoughts of belonging, as I listen to my kru talk about me to the nurse. read it here 

Cheet Yaa - "if there were no cuts it wouldn't be Sylvie" | A trip to the clinic to receive a boosting IV leaves me drifting through thoughts of belonging, as I listen to my kru talk about me to the nurse. read it here 

The Hurting Game - The Psychology of Hurt | Even though I've fought over 200 times being the one who hurts others, that the game is hurting, is still a psychology I need to embrace. read it here 

A Girl and Her Bag - the Intimacy of Work | Every fighter who has spent a long amount of time in the gym has to fall in love with their bag - how bagwork contains its own beauty. read it here 

Jai Rohn - My Story of Blood, My Pride and Stitches | My heart was racing, I was upset at my performance, and then there was the pain of stitches, more painful than any stitches I've had before. read it here 

Remember, as a patron you have access to the Muay Thai Library! click here to see the full contents of the Muay Thai Library There is lots of exclusive content for patrons beyond the Muay Thai Library, take a look at what is available to so far:

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