Harry Potter and Death (Patreon)

An: My muse was being weird... so have a chapter. Happy Holidays to everyone.


Harry Potter sighed as he felt a familiar presence behind him. "No."

"I haven't said anything yet," Death complained as she slipped past Harry and took the seat across the table at the café.

Harry glanced at the girl in a yellow polka dot bikini that was wearing Hermione's face then cut another bite of his cheesecake with his fork. "You don't have to, it's always the same, you show up, steal my fries or dessert and ask me to do a job, a job that usually results in a lot of screaming and frustration on my part."

"And you always do it," Death replied, giving Harry a pout when he pulled his cheesecake closer to his side of the table. "Now you're just being mean."

"You can conjure food and you don't need to eat," Harry argued, not feeling like sharing with his troublesome friend, especially since the cake was some of the best he'd ever had.

"It's not the same," she complained as she snapped her fingers and conjured a plate of cheesecake in front of her.

Harry took another bite and savored the taste, knowing that Death would get to the point eventually.

Death cut a piece of the cake with her fork and took a bite, finding it delicious as always but somehow less satisfying than stealing Harry's cake would have been. "What do I have to bribe you with?"

"That depends, what are you trying to con me into dealing with?" Harry asked, figuring he'd just skip the back and forth banter that they normally engaged in.

"I need you to slip over to another dimension and kill a space whale," Death admitted.

"Kill a space whale?" Harry asked, wondering what the catch was.

"It's going to blow up a number of Earths best described in scientific notation, that's going to result in me having to dance between raindrops to collect more souls in a single minute than I want to deal with," she complained.

"Got a hot date you don’t want to miss?'" Harry teased.

"I haven't had sex in like five years, a girl has needs," Death complained.

"You're an anthropomorphic aspect of the universe, try again," Harry replied as he cut another piece of cake with his fork.

"Think of the puppies?" Death tried.

"What are you offering?" Harry asked, figuring he might as well check what she was offering before he told her that he wasn't interested in another adventure.

"Hermione's soul and a ticket to another world," Death offered.

"I could walk into the Asphodel Meadows and steal her soul, that's not as good of a bribe as you're implying," Harry argued then took another bite of his cake.

"Do you really want to piss off Hades?" Death asked, knowing it wasn't quite that simple.

"He owes me a favor because of a card game," Harry replied with a shrug.

"We both know that she'd yell at you for taking the risk," Death pointed out.

Harry took another bite of his cake and savored the taste for a few seconds before he chewed it up and swallowed it. "She'd get over it."

"I'll give her a Kryptonian body and make sure she still has her magic," Death offered.

"That's tempting," Harry admitted, knowing that getting her a decent body was the sticking point in his plan to bring her back. "What exactly do I have to kill?"

"The command unit of a group of massive sentient crystal computers that can travel through space and have an obsession with giving alien species powers so they can farm their creativity. Once they're done with a cycle they blow the planet up in every dimension they can reach and harvest the energy to continue their insane quest to end entropy," Death explained. “Basically me, which I naturally find offensive.”

"Yeah, I want five minutes in your lost and found room," Harry told her.

Death shook her head. "There are some seriously dangerous things in there."

"I'm also jumping dimensions, it won't be your problem, now will it?" Harry argued, fairly sure she'd be happy to have some of the stuff disposed of.

"Two minutes," Death offered.

"Three and a Kryptonian body of my own with my magic intact," Harry countered.

"Deal," Death replied and snapped her fingers, sending Harry to her lost and found room. She smiled as she reached across the table and grabbed his plate.

0o0o0

Harry blinked as he went from quickly stuffing random artifacts into his expanded bag in a poorly lit storage room to the middle of a street a split second before a truck blasted through a red light and crashed into him. "What the fuck!" he complained, wondering why Death had dropped him in the middle of the street.

Hermione sighed when she realized that she was naked and in the middle of the street, looking at a dark haired woman behind the wheel of an unfamiliar car. "Where am I?" she asked, then turned around when she heard metal grinding on metal. She stared in disbelief as Harry extracted himself from the remains of a truck that looked like it had slammed into a metal pole or something equally as durable. "What's going on?"

"Death needed a favor," Harry replied as he stalked over to the driver's side of the crumpled truck and ripped the door off so he could check him for injuries, finding it a lot easier than it should be to remove the door. He wrinkled his nose when the stench of alcohol hit him in the face. "Great," he muttered as he gestured and used a diagnostic charm to check the drunk's health. 'A couple of broken ribs and a cracked cheek, meh, he'll live.'

Harry walked over and gave Hermione a hug, ignoring the people that were getting out of cars to stare at the accident or the people on the street that were staring at them or more likely the naked and extremely attractive girl standing in the road.

"And that results in me ending up naked?" Hermione asked as she returned the hug, doing her best to ignore the people staring at her.

"It's Death, her sense of humor is a bit warped," Harry replied as he let her go and started sorting through his expanded shoulder bag for something she could wear.

"Do you need a jacket?" the dark haired woman from the car behind Hermione asked, her head sticking out the window.

"I wouldn't object," Hermione replied, wanting to avoid getting in trouble with the police, since everyone else was wearing clothes.

Annette Hebert shifted the car into park then grabbed her husband's jacket off the passenger seat, opened the door and handed it to the strange young woman that had appeared out of thin air. "Your friend saved me from getting hit, it's the least I can do."

'That's probably safer,' Harry thought as he stopped sorting through his bag for something Hermione could wear, knowing that some of the stuff he'd grabbed from Death's lost and found was probably cursed.

"Thank you, I'll give it back when I figure out what's going on," Hermione promised as she pulled the coat on, trying not to think about the amount of trouble the ministry was going to give them or why all of the cars looked weird.

"Do you think the police would object if I moved the truck off to the side of the street?" Harry asked, wishing Death had given him a bit more information about their current location.

"Is the driver dead?" Annette asked.

"No, he's just drunk and banged up," Harry replied, not particularly worried about the man as he didn't care for drunks, especially if they were stupid enough to get behind the wheel.

"Then it should be fine," Annette told him.

Harry summoned his wand to his hand from his sleeve holster then gestured and levitated the truck over to the side of the road, glad the ministry wasn't around to complain about him using magic in front of normal people.

Hermione sighed. "You're going to get us in trouble."

"It's fine," Harry replied as he gestured and levitated the various pieces of scrap into the back of the man's truck as he heard sirens in the distance. "I'm just making sure the accident doesn't cause a traffic jam."

"We should probably get off the street," Hermione told the woman then walked over to the sidewalk, not sure what to tell the people staring at her since they didn't seem particularly shocked by Harry's display of magic.

"Good idea," Annette agreed as she shut the door, put the car into gear and looked for a parking space so that she could get Danny's jacket back if the police had something the girl could wear.

0o0o0

Officer Pierce rubbed the bridge of his nose, wishing that he'd let Smith take the call since dealing with capes was always a hassle. He glanced at his fellow officer that was examining the totaled truck then focused on the cape that wasn't wearing a costume. "Let me get this straight, your friend teleported you in front of a drunk driver that just happened to be running a red light?"

"She's a precog with a warped sense of humor and no, I don't have her number. She just shows up when she wants something, which is exactly as frustrating as it sounds," Harry complained.

"Let it go," Detective Harolds suggested, "the driver was three sheets to the wind and the witnesses confirmed that he ran the light, was in the wrong lane and that Arcane appeared out of nowhere. The driver also has a record of driving while intoxicated."

"Fine, you're free to go," Officer Pierce told them, deciding that they had enough evidence to make sure the asshole ended up spending some time in jail, unlike the last time they caught him driving while intoxicated.

"Thank you," Hermione told the officer.

"Best of luck getting the charges to stick," Harry told the officer then headed down the street, wishing that Death had given him more detailed mission directives.

"What's the balance and where are we?" Hermione asked after they were about fifty feet away from the police.

"No clue and Brockton Bay," Harry admitted as he reached over and gave Hermione a one handed hug. "I'm glad that you're back."

Hermione glanced at Harry. "Are you avoiding the question?"

"I only know the location because I saw the name of the city on the side of the ambulance," Harry admitted. "Death just mentioned something about killing a space whale but she didn't exactly give me a bunch of details."

"Why not?" Hermione asked, knowing that Death was usually pretty good about giving him information.

"I was eating cheese cake, pretty sure she wanted to steal it," Harry complained.

Hermione laughed. "Get over it, there's nothing wrong with stealing part of your boyfriend's desserts, it's a rule."

"She's not my girlfriend," Harry grumbled as he glanced at the shops they were walking past, trying to get a better picture of the world that Death had teleported them to.

"Just because she's not your only girlfriend, doesn't mean she's not a girl and a friend," Hermione argued.

"You're going to steal my food aren't you?" Harry asked, trying and failing to sound offended.

"I don't remember including 'until death do us part' in our vows," Hermione replied with a smile as she took in the less than fresh air and the scents coming from the bakery and the sounds of a living, breathing city. 'At least it doesn't smell fake.'

"Considering we never actually got married, that's not surprising," Harry replied with amusement.

"You're the one that thought it would be problematic," Hermione reminded him. "Besides, I wasn't going to marry someone that kept having sex with my girlfriends on the kitchen table."

"That's hardly fair, you were the one putting whip cream on Beth's breasts and encouraging us," Harry complained, knowing that Hermione had loved watching.

"Would you jump off a bridge if I told you to?" Hermione teased, already knowing the answer.

"Yes," Harry replied without any hesitation as he reached down and gave her butt a squeeze, letting her know that he still loved her.

"You're also immortal, that doesn't count," Hermione argued.

"Just because I can't die, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt," Harry reminded her as they passed a hobby shop. "It's nice to have you back."

"It's nice to be back," Hermione agreed.

"Does that mean you'll forgive me for stealing you from your research group?" Harry asked.

"It's been sort of boring for the last couple of years," Hermione admitted as a pair of men stepped out of the alley holding knives.

"Hold that thought," Harry told her as they stopped walking and focused on the dark haired twenty something men that looked Chinese, wondering if their matching jeans and red shirts were some type of uniform. "Something we can help you with?"

"Your money and your girl," the slightly taller of the two men, leering at Hermione.

"We're going to have some fun with her, you might get her back if she's good," the other guy said with a leer.

"Don't…" Hermione trailed off as two beams of red light shot out of Harry's eyes and the shorter thug's head exploded like a frog in a microwave. "So much for saving their lives."

"Huh," Harry muttered as he blinked a couple of times, glad that he hadn't hit anything important.

"Cape!" the surviving thug screamed and bolted for the alley.

Harry gestured toward the thug and used a touch of magic to twist his head until he heard several cracks and the man dropped to the ground, looking up at the sky even though he should have been face down.

"Cape?" Hermione asked.

"I'm guessing it has something to do with the alien supercomputers that are giving out powers like Halloween candy," Harry replied as he gestured and vanished the bodies, leaving their valuables.

Hermione stared at Harry. "Alien supercomputers?"

"I'm supposed to take out their commander before he blows up multiple worlds and makes Death have to dance between raindrops to collect everyone," Harry replied as he looted their wallets and an expensive platinum watch.

"And the eye beams?" Hermione asked.

"Death tossed in Kryptonian bodies," Harry admitted as he pulled the cash out of the wallets.

Hermione glanced at the café that was half a block away. "That explains why I can hear people talking at the café as clearly as if I was standing next to them."

"Probably," Harry agreed as he vanished the wallets. "Now that we have some cash, food?"

"Food," Hermione agreed, looking forward to eating something that wasn't 'perfect' and empty at the same time. "Considering how rarely Death overpays, this isn't going to be a walk in the park is it?"

"I don't know, you remember that walk in the park we took after we graduated, right?" Harry asked as they started walking toward the café.

"You mean the one where we got ambushed by twenty seven purebloods that wanted to make a statement? Seamus' knee was never the same," Hermione reminded him, not sure which other trip to the park he was talking about since the rest of them hadn't been a pain in the ass.

"Like I said, it was a good day, only seven of them left the park alive," Harry said, not feeling particularly bad about Seamus' injury since he'd ended up joining the aurors and being a pain in the ass for the next fifty years before blowing himself up making a bad batch of fire whiskey.

"For a given value of being alive," Hermione said, thinking about the fight that had convinced her to continue her combat practice and wishing she could forget Harry's spell to summon tentacle monsters. "So, we're up the creek without a paddle, aren't we?"

Harry shrugged. "Wouldn't be the first time and I managed to talk her into letting me raid the lost and found room."

"How much did you get?" Hermione asked, surprised that Death had let him raid it considering some of the things she'd recovered over the years.

"Everything I could stick in the bag in three minutes," Harry replied smugly.

Hermione sighed. "Yeah, we're screwed."

"Let's grab something to eat then we can take an inventory of the stuff I grabbed and see if we can find something useful," Harry suggested, curious what they had to work with.

"Might as well," Hermione agreed as they reached the café.

0o0o0

Hermione blinked when the glowing green ring that Harry had just pulled out of his bag erupted with green light then flew through the window of the hotel room without breaking the window. "That's going to cause a problem, isn't it?"

"Probably," Harry admitted as he summoned his wand and cast a silent detection spell on the ring, surprised that it was already halfway across the city. "It managed to get halfway across the city in less than five seconds, tracking it down is going to be a pain in the ass."

"Is it just me or did that look like a Lantern ring?" Hermione asked, wondering why Death had a green lantern ring when they shouldn't exist.

"I didn't get a good look at the symbol on the ring but I don't remember grabbing a lantern so we're probably fine," Harry replied.

"Unless you accidentally grabbed the Starheart," Hermione mused, thinking about the older comics.

"I doubt they're going to destroy the world before we deal with the space whale and track it down…" Harry trailed off as the entire window lit up with green light. "We might want to check on that."

"Do you have a way to contain it?" Hermione asked, not sure how they were supposed to contain something that could cross half the city in a couple of seconds, at least until they got used to their new abilities.

"No," Harry admitted as he went back to pulling things out of the bag, trying to find something that he could use to contain the runaway ring.

"Why did you grab a rifle?" Hermione asked, wondering why the rifle was familiar before dismissing it as one of the various guns she'd seen over the years.

"It was in the way and I had the space," Harry replied as he waved his wand over the gun. "It doesn't feel cursed, just excited about killing monsters."

"She's a damned packrat," Hermione complained.

"You had thousands of books," Harry pointed out as he put the gun back in the bag and pulled out a sword and a large stone block that barely fit through the top of the shoulder bag.

"That's different," Hermione argued. "Did you steal Excalibur?"

"No?" Harry replied, fairly sure the sword in the stone wasn't actually Excalibur. He briefly considered trying to pull the sword out of the stone before his common sense kicked in and he put the sword and stone back in the bag. "On second thought, pulling a sword out of a stone never ends well."

"That's fair," Hermione admitted, thinking about her friend's luck.

Harry took a silver bracelet out of the bag and checked it with his wand. "Nice, that should help with your outfit."

"What does it do?" Hermione asked.

Harry tossed her the bracelet. "It's a knock off witchblade, it basically covers you in a costume and creates a metal gauntlet around your hand."

Hermione glanced at the silver bracelet with a red stone set into the top then looked at Harry. "Is it going to wreck my clothes?"

"Probably, you should take them off," Harry suggested, not even trying to look innocent.

Hermione laughed then carefully pulled the scrubs off that the EMT had given her when he realized that she didn't have anything to wear. She tossed the scrubs on the bed then slowly spun around. "What do you think?"

"I think Death did an excellent job," Harry assured her. "With the exception of your eyes, you look the same as you used to."

Hermione glanced down at her breasts. "I'm pretty sure my breasts are a bit larger and I'm a bit taller."

"Are you complaining?" Harry asked as he tried to compare his friend's current body to his memories, finding it a bit difficult as time had blurred the details.

"No, I like the green eyes," Hermione assured him as she put the bracelet on and mentally activated it, finding it surprisingly easy.

Harry smiled as some type of liquid metal flowed over Hermione's hand and part of her body, giving her a rather skimpy 'metal' bikini and a wicked looking clawed gauntlet over her right hand. "Nice."

Hermione twisted and glanced over her shoulder at her butt, finding most of it on display. "I guess it technically counts as a costume, if only barely."

"I'm a fan," Harry replied with a grin. "I'll see if I can find something to go with it."

"Thanks," Hermione replied as she walked into the bathroom to look at the mirror. "Damn, I've got muscles in all the right places."

"Shower sex?" Harry asked hopefully.

Hermione glanced at the shower and shivered when her vision zoomed in on the shower walls and she realized just how dirty they were. "Let's save that for a better hotel, we'd need to scour the hell out of it before I'd even consider using it to shower, let alone sex."

"That's fair," Harry admitted as he went back to sorting through his loot, looking for something they could use to scry on their target or contain the ring that had pulled a runner.

0o0o0