Endbringers Hate Paperwork Part 30 (Patreon)

"You realize this is going to get trashed within a week, right?" Assault asked as he studied the expensive looking entrance hall that looked like it was pulled straight out of a movie about British schools for the filthy rich.

Myst pulled his attention away from where one of the building inspectors was using some type of scanning device on the walls to look at the wiring. "Considering the sheer number of cameras scattered around the school and the fact that this is technically a private school, I doubt we'll have as much trouble as you're expecting, especially when we show people a video of some idiot trying and getting hit with tasers until they fall over the second day of class."

"You can't legally shoot students with tasers unless they're a threat to other students," Armsmaster argued.

"I'll take your word for it, but that doesn't mean I can't place a changer in a classroom and zap the hell out of them when they misbehave to show the actual students that actions have consequences beyond a short vacation from school which only really matters if the student's parents care about their records or behavior," Myst explained, planning on talking someone into using one of the magic girl rings if they couldn't find an actual changer that was willing to get zapped for a couple of thousand dollars.

Assault shook his head. "You're going to run into trouble with the police and the school board."

"Only if I don't warn them about the idea ahead of time," Myst replied as he stretched his arms over his head, not particularly worried about the police or parents since Frost could sell ice to an Eskimo even without her power. "As long as the police tell the parents that complain that they're looking into things and that maybe the idiots shouldn't have damaged the school or attacked someone, I don't really care if we get a couple of complaints."

"If you don't care, why waste your money building a school?" Battery asked, trying to understand what the cape got out of it.

"Spite," Myst replied with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "If I hadn't stepped in and offered the mayor and the school district a deal, they would have rebuilt the school and the corrupt administration and teachers would still have jobs. This way, they'll have to leave the area and go somewhere that people can hold them accountable, assuming the police can't put them in prison for various crimes."

"Let me guess, you had a couple of bad teachers growing up?" Assault asked with amusement.

"Not particularly," Myst admitted. "I had a freshman English teacher that loved spelling to an unreasonable degree and didn't really understand that you could look things up in a dictionary and a horrible math teacher in middle school."

"What did the math teacher do?" Assault asked.

"She dropped my grade an entire letter because I refused to redo all of my homework for the entire quarter when my homework binder was stolen out of my locker near the end of the quarter, never mind that she had all of the grades for the actual work. I could understand taking a hit for the quarter since I wasn't able to turn the binder in but yeah, I took another hit for the entire year because my homework folder was missing a third of it. With any luck the bitch is dead of old age."

"Could be worse," Battery pointed out.

"I'm aware," Myst agreed. "Most of my frustration with the educational system comes from working with some of the teachers and staff when I was an adult. Thankfully, I don't have to be involved in running things beyond making sure everything is set up."

Assault laughed. "Probably for the best."

"Can I talk you into signing up with the Protectorate?" Battery asked.

Myst shook his head. "No thanks, I'd end up killing the wannabe nazis and then I'd have to deal with a bunch of paperwork. Speaking of paperwork, do you have any suggestions on how to deal with the paperwork for resurrecting people?"

"The first step is talking to the PRT about power testing so we know they aren't going to come back as zombies," Assault stated, actually managing to keep a straight face.

"That's fair," Myst admitted.

"After that you'll have to deal with the paperwork to get their bodies exhumed," Armsmaster added.

"Hmm, I can probably skip that if I use a ring of X-ray vision so I can see the corpses without digging them up, no point in getting permission to dig people up when you can use the good samaritan laws to save people."

"Waking up in your coffin sounds like a good way to traumatize people," Battery argued.

"But he has a point, it would save on paperwork," Assault argued. "Can I get a ring of X-ray vision?" he asked hopefully, easily dodging Battery's attempt to punch his shoulder.

"No," Battery stated.

"It's more efficient," Myst added thoughtfully, causing Armsmaster to frown thoughtfully. He turned and smiled as Ms Frost walked out of the principal's office with one of the building inspectors. "Do you need anything before I head to the PRT to deal with power testing?"

"I believe I have everything under control," Emma assured him then turned to look at the capes. "Do you want a tour of the school?"

"That would be fantastic," Battery agreed, wanting to change the subject and give Armsmaster a chance to scan everything.

"Have fun," Myst offered as he headed for the door, not seeing a point in sticking around and answering more questions about how his powers worked since he had to deal with paperwork so Annette could get her life back.

0o0o0

Amy glanced up from her aunt's grave. "So, what are we going to do about the paperwork?" she asked, trying not to think about the fact that they were about to violate reality like a two bit whore. Or at least she assumed that was what they were about to do, since Myst had such a warped sense of humor that he could in fact be setting her up for the world’s most tasteless ‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ joke for all she knew.

"Not my problem, besides, Carol's a lawyer," Myst replied as he deconstructed the ground so that he could get to the coffin.

"Do we have to open the coffin?" Amy asked warily, not wanting to see the decayed corpse of her aunt.

"Nope," Myst replied as he cast the resurrection spell on the corpse in the coffin, happy that he could target it that way.

Amy blinked as she heard someone pound on the inside of the coffin lid. "Did you just resurrect her in the coffin?"

"Yep," Myst replied as he turned and headed for the next person on his list that he was bringing back, trying not to giggle evilly and failing.

Amy cast a cleaning spell a moment before the coffin lid came apart in a series of small explosions revealing her aunt looking very confused. "Aunt Fleur," she greeted her, “it’s been a while…” She really had no idea what to say at this point and wondered if Fleur would be upset if she wandered off herself.

“Hold on a second,” Amy said and pulled out her phone. “Hey Vicky, you were always Aunt Fleur’s favorite, right? Can you do me a small favor? Yeah, at Fleur’s grave. Bring… I don’t know, a six pack of beer and a burger. Oh, and some fries!”

The recently revived superhero just stared around her, taking in the now destroyed coffin and the six feet of dirt above her before raising an eyebrow. “Are we going to talk about this… Amy?”

Amy shrugged. “Not really, I’m going to duck all questions and run off as soon as Vicky arrives, since she was your favorite.”

Fleur groaned. “She was not my favorite, we simply had more hobbies in common.” She sighed, having a bit of an idea of what had happened to her, considering her niece's apparent age and where she was lying and not quite sure how to feel about it. “At least you’re thoughtful enough to bring me beer.”

“What? Get your own beer, those are for me!” Amy exclaimed.

“This is why Vicky is my favorite,” she said.

“I knew it!”

0o0o0

"Give me your money!" the idiot with a gun shouted as he stepped out of the alley with his gun pointed at the man walking down the street in an expensive looking business suit.

Myst glanced at the twenty something man pointing a gun at him. "Why?"

"What do you mean why?" the man asked.

"Do you have starving children or a sick wife? Drugs? Are you going to lose everything if you can't pay your bills?" Myst asked, trying to figure out why the man was trying to rob him.

"I just want your fucking money," the man replied, wondering if the man was touched in the head.

"No," Myst replied as took a step closer to the man and slightly to the side, wanting to make sure any missed shots hit the brick rather than one of the shops on the other side of the street.

"What do you mean no?" the man asked as he stared at Myst.

"We're less than two blocks from the PRT, you can't honestly be that stupid…" Myst trailed off as the man shot him in the chest, causing a slight dip in his mana pool thanks to his mana shield stopping the damage.

"Shit!" the thug cursed as he emptied the clip at Myst.

Myst reached out and grabbed the man by the neck as he tried to dart past him then continued walking into the alley, dragging the shorter man with him. He briefly considered hauling the asshole to the police before realizing that he'd probably be out in five to ten years, assuming they had enough evidence to convict him in the first place. "Fuck it, you get to be a lab rat."

'What?!' the thug tried to say, having problems because of the hand around his throat that was holding him in place like a vice.

Myst used his summoning ability and summoned one of the creepy mouthless demons from a Buffy dimension, causing a scabby mouthless humanoid with horns to appear in the alley. He pulled a dagger out of his spatial ring then tossed it at the demon with his left hand, misjudging the throw and burying the hilt in the creature's chest. 'Yeah, I should have expected that,' he mused as he yanked the dagger out of the demon with telekinesis then levitated it over.

Myst let the confused demon vanish then scanned the blood, picking up several patterns, including a pattern for a liquid that permanently gave people telepathy that wouldn't result in an uncontrollable power unlike the demon's blood. "There are worse things than dying," he told the man as he smeared the demonic blood on his face.

'Fuck!' he thug cursed, wondering what the hell was wrong with the cape and if he was going to end up mastered.

Myst watched the blood absorb into the man's skin then put the knife in his spatial ring, wanting to see if Amy could upgrade it. "You're…" he trailed off as a horrible wailing siren went off, letting them know that an endbringer was attacking somewhere or at least that was the only thing he could think of that would be that annoying and distinctive. He let go of the man's throat. "It's your lucky day, you give to live."

"Fuck you! I'm going to sue you," the man ranted.

Myst stared at the idiot for a couple of seconds then used a sleep spell on the idiot and stuffed him in his inventory so he could drop him off at the station later. 'At least this means I don't have to deal with the paperwork,' he mused as he headed back out of the alley and started running towards the PRT building. He stopped running when he saw a man steal a woman's purse and start running in his general direction, obviously taking advantage of the sirens.

"Fuck it," Myst muttered as he reached out with his telekinesis and 'punched' the man in the balls, causing him to crumple to the ground and knock himself unconscious when his head hit the pavement. 'Screw it, there's no point playing their game,' he told himself, knowing that Behemoth might be able to kill him or leave him radioactive enough he'd have to steal drugs from Fallout to deal with it.

"Screw it, I should have done this to start with," Myst said as he reached out with his summoning ability and summoned an eldritch abomination to eat it, causing an adorable looking white kitten to appear floating in the air in front of him.

"Meow?" the 'kitten' said as it looked around.

"How do you feel about eating endbringers?" Myst asked, wanting to make sure the creature wasn't a problem for another dimension.

“What are endbringers?” it asked curiously.

“Dimensionally folded, animated constructs, containing matter and energy in excess of this entire solar system,” Myst replied.

"Then I’d say, ‘Does Garfield like lasagna?" the 'kitten' replied with amusement.

"Generally," Myst replied as he watched the woman collect her purse and kick the man in the face for the trouble.

"How much do I owe you for the battery?" the 'kitten' asked, knowing deals required an exchange of services by both parties.

"How many magic girl souls do you have?" Myst asked, knowing the endbringer would be worth a lot of energy for the eldritch abomination.

"Seven, eight if you count the corrupt witch," she replied, more than willing to trade the girls she'd collected for an endbringer.

"That's hardly a fair trade," Myst pointed out.

"I can toss in some magic girl schematics to help make up the difference," she offered.

"Deal," Myst agreed.

"Pleasure doing business with you." The 'kitten' pulled seven pink crystals and a black crystal out of her inventory then conjured a magic phone with the information he wanted and floated everything over. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling a bit hungry."

"Have fun," Myst told the 'kitten' as he scanned the soul gems, wondering how long it would take the eldritch abomination to deal with Behemoth. He'd barely finished sticking everything in his spatial ring when he found himself floating in a void. "What the fuck?!"

0o0o0

Eidon stared in horror at the normal sized kitten that had just swallowed Behemoth, not sure how something so tiny could swallow an endbringer, yet knowing it had swallowed it in one bite. "What the fuck?!"

"No clue," Legend admitted, fairly sure he'd never look at cats the same way again, especially when it opened its mouth and inhaled the ambient radiation. "This is going to change everything."

"We need to…" Eidolon trailed off as the kitten vanished. "Where did it go?"

"Does it matter? It's dead or gone, take the win," Legend told him, thinking about the other two dead endbringers and the bottle of expensive whiskey he had in a cabin with his name on it, since he had a feeling it wasn't coming back.

"I'm suddenly glad that I'm not in charge," Eidolon admitted, glad that he didn't have to deal with the paperwork or explain things.

"I'd rather deal with the paperwork," Legend replied, relieved that the fight was over before it even started.

"Suit yourself," Eidolon replied, feeling better than he'd felt in years as he flew back towards the command center.

0o0o0

Myst wasn't sure how long he'd been stuck floating in the void waiting for someone to show up or for something to happen, mostly because the clock on his cell phone wasn't actually moving and something was blocking his summoning power. 'Sixty seven bottles of beer on the wall, take one down, pass it around, sixty fucking bottles of beer,' he complained, if only to himself since he didn't want to make any noise on account of the strange snake like sounds he could occasionally hear.

'It's probably just as well that I can't see anything,' Myst mused as he focused on his summoning ability and skimmed the result of the Behemoth fight, not particularly surprised that the news would result in another massive jump in the population in another nine months on Earth Bet. He focused on Eidolon and tried to summon him, failing like the last thirteen times he'd tried to summon people. 'Is this because of the deal with the eldritch abomination or because I finished everything?'

'Screw it,' Myst mused as he focused on Jen's bottle and summoned it, causing the bottle to appear in his hand. 'Thank you Genie,' he thought cheerfully, glad that something was working right. He pulled the stopper, causing Jen to flow out of the bottle. "Hey, what happened?"

"You got dropped here by your ROB, because you finished your mission and he was done with you," Jen explained.

"That's annoying," Myst complained.

"It could be worse, he could have smited you out of existence," Jen pointed out as she glanced around the void.

"Point," Myst admitted. "How do I get out of here?"

"You're going to have to make a wish, at least you had wishes left," Jen mused.

"I wish you to send me home," Myst replied, wanting a break adventuring for a bit and to share the wealth with some friends.

"Your wish is my command." Jen snapped her fingers and sent Myst home.

Myst blinked when he found himself standing in his room with another Myst already in his chair. "Huh, I might be a copy."

Myst turned to look at the person that was talking and froze when he saw a man that looked like a younger version of him with more hair. "What the hell is going on?"

"We got ROB'd, I wished to go home and here I am, which means that one of us is a copy," Myst told him.

"I don't feel like a copy," the Myst sitting in the chair replied.

"Which is exactly what a copy would say," Myst replied.

“And how are we going to deal with this?” Myst asked himself, wondering why his other self looked to be so much younger and healthier. "And don't fucking say rock, paper, scissors."

“We could both live here or I could grant you awesome powers and send you out into the multiverse,” Myst offered. “What do you say? Power, riches, women?”

Myst opened his mouth, paused, and rubbed his chin. “Hmmmm.”

0o0o0  The End  0o0o0