Endbringers Hate Paperwork Part 8 (Patreon)

Myst tossed himself out of the way of the ball of plasma that seemed to warp the space around it, wanting to avoid getting hit by something that could vaporize the platforms. He used his telekinesis to yank himself clear of the blast that turned the platform into a burning wreck. He tossed one of the demons he'd already robbed into the path of the next plasma ball, taking out the witch that looked like a deranged bag lady and the hulking purple demon that reminded him of the Hulk when the spell detonated early.

He spent the next twenty seconds frantically dodging spells and using the rest of the constructs as meat shields while robbing them. He used his telekinesis to yank a magic girl's neon green skirt off then tossed her at the glowing disk one of the magic girls tossed his way, causing the disk to explode and take out three demons and a platform.

Myst nearly took a blast to the face because he spent a couple of seconds staring at the destruction before getting his head back in the game. He reached out and stole the witch's staff and the traffic cone the magic disc tossing witch was wearing as a hat with his telekinesis then snapped her neck and tossed her at the crazy witch with a clown nose that was flying between platforms on some type of hoverboard.

'Fuck this!' he thought as he saw a demon flying at him holding a giant purple dildo that was glowing with green flames. He stole the demon's weapon then removed his head with telekinesis, causing the demon to break into motes of flame, giving him enough time to steal the witch's hoverboard and clown nose before she vanished into the abyss.

Myst ripped a pack of demons apart with his telekinesis then spun around and scanned the surroundings, trying to find the next target before they managed to get the jump on him. It took twenty seconds of frantic searching before he realized that nothing was going to jump out at him and that he'd have to fly over to the last platform if he wanted to finish the level. 'Yeah, I'm not taking the girls here until we get better defenses.'

Myst took a minute to calm down and collect the loot that he'd left hovering while he tried to avoid getting injured. He glanced at the brightly colored traffic cone hat, fairly sure he wouldn't be wearing it unless the enchantment was exceptional. "At least some of the necklaces aren't completely tacky…" he trailed off when he saw a ring that looked like it was made out of amethyst with an unfamiliar symbol on the front of it that reminded him of the Green Lantern symbol.

"Purple ring? I thought Howard was from Marvel," he muttered, wondering if the ring was a parody version or a knockoff as he doubted he'd find an actual lantern ring on the first floor, even if the bracelet was an artifact. "At least it's not a yellow ring," he mused as he cleaned and disinfected the ring with a couple of cantrips, wanting to make sure he wasn't bringing a plague back with him considering the filthy chaotic mess the level was.

He dropped the ring in his pocket then started cleaning the necklaces. 'I need someone that can identify everything with a reasonable degree of certainty.' He floated over to a small platform that hadn't been destroyed and focused on his summoning power, summoning an old man in robes. "Deckard Cain, I have need of your assistance."

Deckard Cain stared up at the giant hovering in a void, wondering if he'd fallen asleep at his desk again. "What do you need?" he asked after several seconds of not being able to wake himself up, deciding to err on the side of caution.

"I need you to identify several items," Myst told him as he floated the collection of jewelry over to the sage, including the knock off lantern ring he'd dropped in his pocket.

"What are you going to do with them?" Deckard asked, willing to help to avoid a painful death, even if it was only a dream.

"I'm giving them to a couple of people that can use them," Myst replied as he dropped the amethyst ring on the sage's hand.

"Let me take a look," Deckard replied as he examined the ring. "It has been a long time since I've seen these runes," he lied as he discreetly cast an identification spell, having no idea what the runes meant. "Ah, this ancient artifact gives the user a mana shield and reduces the cost by ten percent, in other words you'll waste less mana blocking hits than you would if you cast the spell yourself. It also has the ability to conjure a glowing purple hand to manipulate things at a distance, quite valuable for a sorcerer."

"Nice," Myst replied as he floated the ring back over, looking forward to seeing what he could get when he upgraded the ring.

"This gypsy trinket changes the wearer into a humanoid beast, increasing their strength and regeneration to frightening levels, while increasing their bloodlust," Deckard explained, making up the part about the gypsies as it sounded good.

'Gypsies? I think it was being worn by a tentacle monster,' Myst mused as Deckard started going through the rest of the loot. "I'm not going to remember everything, can you write it down?"

"Of course," Deckard replied as he pulled out a journal and started writing, glad that he wasn't going to have to make up a couple of dozen histories and keep everything straight in case he asked about the details.

0o0o0

"This ancient hat gives a significant boost to magic and your casting speed," Deckard offered, surprised that someone had placed such a powerful enchantment on a hat that would be easy to knock off and was a bit heavier than he'd want to wear.

Myst took the magic traffic cone and put it in his jacket pocket with the rest of the thoroughly cleaned loot. "I don't suppose you know anyone that can move enchantments?"

Deckard absently handed the giant the torn out journal page as he considered the question. "I've heard rumors of a gypsy that could change the shape of items, but I'm not sure I believe it."

"I'll keep an eye out," Myst replied as he handed him a 'small' handful of silver coins for his trouble.

"Thank you," Deckard replied as he worked on stuffing the coins into pockets, as he wasn’t one to turn down money even if it was in a dream.

"Thank you for taking the time to identify everything," Myst replied, not seeing a reason to be impolite, even if he'd had to spend countless gold having a version of the old man identify his items in the first Diablo game.

"It was interesting," Deckard replied, curious where the giant had acquired the strange artifacts.

Myst waited until the sage had finished packing away the silver then sent him home. 'I should probably have Drax check everything but at least some of the stuff should be useful.'

He floated over to the only remaining large section of platform and frowned when he spotted a fat and oily looking muscle bound demon standing near the far edge of the platform. He glanced down at the circle of light under the hulking demon that reminded him of a bodybuilder that was abusing steroids and sighed when he realized it was coming from a glowing buttplug. 'If it wasn't glowing, I'd leave it.'

He reached out with telekinesis and ripped the buttplug out of the demon then ripped the demon's arms off so he could steal his boxing gloves. He floated the loot over and worked on cleaning them while he waited for the demon to bleed to death. He finished cleaning the loot three times then shoved the demon off the ledge with telekinesis when he realized it wasn't going to bleed to death.

Myst smiled when he appeared on a tower on a new level with a large pile of silver coins sitting on the ground in front of him with a pair of glowing red converse sneakers on top of the pile. He froze when he turned and spotted a giant summoning circle hanging in the air with a massive demonic arm sticking out of it. 'No thanks,' he thought as he picked up the shoes and the pile of coins with telekinesis. He smirked when he saw the giant ring on the demon lord's finger and yanked it off with telekinesis, pulling it over as quickly as he could. He grabbed the giant ring and used the exit token.

Amy blinked when Myst flickered, going from stepping into the circle to stepping out of it with a pile of coins floating in front of him. "Any… is that a buttplug?"

"Nope, it's a glowing buttplug," Myst replied with amusement as he walked back over and sat down on the floor so that he wasn't looming.

"Why?" Taylor asked.

"If you're asking why it dropped, no clue," Myst replied as he levitated the buttplug and the boxing gloves over to a filing cabinet and set them down, not wanting them anywhere near the food until after they'd been bleached or at least checked by Amy, even if he was reasonably sure his spell had removed all traces of them being used by the demon. "If you're asking why I grabbed it, it's magic."

"Did you get anything useful?" Amy asked, choosing to ignore the magical sex toy for the moment.

Myst floated the list over to Amy and dropped the coins in an empty trash can so they were out of the way. "We can probably sell most of the weapons to Drax or collectors if they're not heavily enchanted. Most of the magical staves boost magic which means we're going to want to keep them."

"Most?" Taylor asked as she tried scanning the list.

Myst pulled the glowing dildo out of his jacket pocket and leaned it up against the filing cabinet. "This one has a fantastic enchantment on it that allows the user to permanently increase their strength any time they manage to kill something that is stronger than they are."

"What's the catch?" Amy asked.

"It's rubber," Myst replied as he used his telekinesis to flex the staff. "You also have to kill them with the staff for the magic to work."

"Knock them out, tie them up and stuff it down their throats?" Vicky asked thoughtfully as she walked back out of the bathroom wearing the silk shirt and the magic trench coat.

Myst stared at Vicky for a couple of seconds as she walked over, barely noticing the fact that the silk shirt was not something that 'respectable' girls should be wearing without a bra or some type of vest as he tried to wrap his brain around the horrible suggestion that sounded like something a gamer would come up with. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

"Same," Taylor agreed, finding it hard to get the image out of her mind.

"Yep," Amy agreed, her mind drifting to amusing and weird places before she focused on the loot that Myst was pulling out of his jacket pocket.

Myst finished setting the loot on the ground in front of him. "Getting back to the loot, we have a traffic cone that boosts your defense, magic and casting speed, a magic hoverboard, a neon green skirt that boosts your magic and physical defenses by a significant amount, a clown nose that boosts regeneration to the point where Wolverine would be jealous, a bunch of weapons and a decent collection of jewelry."

"Did you manage to get any transformation items?" Vicky asked as she sat down next to Amy.

"Five rings, two brace…" he trailed off when he heard a weird warbling and popping noise from the magic circle. He sighed when he noticed the bracelet and the silver 'wrapper' were gone. "So much for making a return trip."

The demon girl finished her slice of pizza. "That wasn't my fault."

"The bracelet was tied to a god, he probably just reclaimed it," Myst replied, not particularly worried about the bracelet as he had a bunch of items that he could jump into that were less hazardous to keep around. "Or it has something to do with my summoning ability."

"Do you think the loot is stable?" Taylor asked hopefully as she walked over to get a better look at the loot.

"It should be," the demon assured her.

"Speaking of issues, you should probably avoid touching the loot until we've had a chance to scrub it with soap and bleach everything, that Item World was filthy," Myst warned the girls, wanting to err on the side of caution.

"Lovely," Amy muttered.

"Nothing a bit of elbow grease can't fix," Vicky said, thinking about some of the vintage clothing that needed a good scrub before it was worth wearing.

"Which ones are the magic girl transformation items?" Taylor asked, not particularly impressed by the description of the jewelry in the notes.

Myst moved the five transformation rings off to the side along with the necklace that transformed people into werewolves on a full moon and the two transformation bracelets. "According to the sage, the rings with gemstones let you change into something called Prism Girls. The bracelet with a white stone lets you change into a cat girl, the bracelet with the black stone lets you turn into a magic knight and the necklace permanently turns people into werewolves if they wear it during the full moon."

"What type of werewolves?" Taylor asked, knowing the details changed in every story.

"Deckard didn't give me any details, he just mentioned humanoid wolf monsters that regenerate," Myst admitted.

"Prism girls?" Amy asked, fairly sure this was going to end up embarrassing.

"No clue," Myst admitted. "I don't think Deckard had the context to understand what his identification spell was telling him."

The demon girl walked over and picked up one of the transformation rings. "Transforming boosts your natural strength, agility and durability by five times and conjures a costume complete with a mask."

"What about the bracelets?" Myst asked, wanting to make sure Deckard hadn't made a mistake before he tested them.

The demon girl picked up the bracelet with a white stone and studied the enchantment. "It just adds five tons to the amount you can lift and boosts your defenses to the point that bullets will bounce off of you and adds a couple of thousand points to your mana pool."

Amy pulled her attention away from the bracelet. "Just?"

"That's not a lot compared to some of the stuff demons can pull off," the demon girl replied proudly as she checked the bracelet with a black stone. "I'm not sure I'd call a man in a black tux a knight but it gives you the ability to conjure roses and toss them with superhuman accuracy."

"Could be worse," Myst mused, slightly annoyed that the only male transformation item didn't come with a significant boost, unlike the rest.

"What about the amethyst ring?" Vicky asked, curious about the gemstone ring.

The demon girl picked it up and examined it. "It gives the wearer a mana shield that soaks damage using your mana rather than your health. It also flat out blocks ten percent of the incoming force, saving you mana. Not to mention it lets you conjure a glowing hand that can lift as much as you can."

"Can I borrow that?" Amy asked hopefully, knowing she was the squishiest of the group.

"Sure," Myst agreed, not having a problem with her using it until they had a chance to jump into the Item World so they could try to get a better version. "I don't need it and Taylor can make something to give her telekinesis."

"And I have my force field," Vicky added, happy that her sister would have better defenses.

Amy walked over and poked one of the rings with her finger. "It should be clean enough, everything is dead, like really dead. I'm going to have to learn that."

Myst sighed in relief. "Nice to know the cantrips are good at getting things clean. If you want to test things, go for it."

The demon girl handed Amy the ring. "You should be able to turn the glowing purple effect on or off, it's cosmetic."

"Thanks," Amy replied as she slipped the ring on, feeling a rather weak magical field surround her. "I don't think this is going to stop anything until I actually get a decent mana pool."

"You should try the cat girl bracelet," Taylor suggested.

The girl smiled as she handed Amy the bracelet. "Go for it."

Amy put the bracelet on. "How do I get it to work?"

"Concentrate on transforming," the demon girl replied with a grin.

"Sure…" Amy trailed off as she concentrated and suddenly leapt ten feet into the air, backflipping in a spray of glitter, before she landed in a three point pose, now over six foot tall and with an additional twenty pounds of muscle and a large jump in breast size, having shot up to double Ds.

Vicky blinked as Amy went from completely clothed to naked with adorable cat ears and a long fluffy tail. "Nice ears."

Amy sighed when she looked down and realized she was naked… and very well built. "Why do I feel like giggling uncontrollably?"

"No idea, you shouldn't," the demon girl told her, not sure what was going on. “At least it’s nothing magical making you want to do it.”

Amy stretched then jumped straight up, managing to almost hit the ceiling.

Vicky grinned as she picked up one of the transformation rings and put it on. "Sapphire Moon Princess go!"

"Was that supposed to do something?" Taylor asked when nothing happened.

"Try concentrating on the ring or the transformation," Myst suggested.

"Prism Blue reporting!" Vicky tried. "Prism Sapphire!"

Amy grinned when Vicky floated up in the air and her clothes turned into glitter, leaving her naked when the glitter swirled around her before she vanished, leaving an unfamiliar girl in sheer blue spandex that left very little to the imagination and a blue helmet with a visor that completely covered her face and hid her identity. "What the hell?! Where did Vicky go?"

"No idea," Taylor admitted as she glanced around, keeping part of her attention on the strange girl wearing sheer spandex in December, not sure how sane she was.

"Funny," Myst offered, figuring the girls were joking about the transformation sequence.

"Nice transformation sequence," the demon girl offered.

"Thanks," Vicky replied as she looked down at her breasts, fairly sure they were at least a cup size larger than they should be. "Mom is going to kill me if I go out like this."

"Who are you?" Amy demanded, wanting to know where her sister was and curious about the attractive girl in a sheer costume.

"Sapphire Prism Girl!" Vicky announced, having fun being someone else for a change.

"What did you do with Vicky?!" Amy demanded as she conjured a ball of magical energy.

"Take a breath," Myst suggested, not sure why Amy was freaking out.

"Chill, I'm just messing around Amy," Vicky replied, not sure why Amy was overreacting.

"Where is my sister?!" Amy demanded, ready to toss her warlock blast at the crazy cape.

"This isn't funny Amy, I'm your sister," Vicky replied, causing Taylor and Amy to blink as the dots connected.

Amy stared at the hot girl in a sheer blue costume that was apparently her sister. "Stranger effect?" She let the power she’d called up dissipate into the air.

"Looks like it," Myst said thoughtfully.

"There's a glamor, it should break if she actually tells anyone her identity," the demon girl explained, rather amused by the whole thing and enjoying the show.

Amy glanced at the transformation rings. "Can you use more than one of them?"

"Try it," the demon girl suggested, not sure how well the rings would work together but figuring it shouldn't cause too much trouble.

"That's a bit creepy," Taylor complained, not sure how she hadn't realized the truth considering she'd watched her transform.

Myst floated the bracelet up and put it on when it changed size to fit his wrist, causing a swirling back cloud of mist to surround him for a couple of seconds before vanishing, leaving him dressed in a black suit with a cape and a domino mask. 'So much for having a human transformation,' he complained when he realized he hadn't shrunk.

"What did you do with Myst?!" Taylor demanded.

"Seriously?" Myst asked dryly, surprised that the master effect was powerful enough to cover the fact that there weren't a lot of fifteen feet tall people running around.

"What did you do with Myst?" Vicky asked as she raised her hands and shifted into a combat stance.

Myst looked at the demon girl. "Do you want to tell them?"

"Your friend is right there," the demon girl told them.

"You're lying," Amy told her, knowing that Myst wasn't there.

"They're both fifteen feet tall," the demon girl tried.

"The masked man is obviously taller and better looking," Taylor argued.

"Exactly," Amy agreed.

Myst transformed back, causing mist to swirl around and replace his suit with his clothes.

"There was a strange cape here!" Taylor blurted out.

"Seriously? I transformed right in front of you and nothing?" Myst asked in disbelief.

Vicky sighed as she connected the dots. "That's annoying."

"Yep," Myst agreed, glad that it only seemed to be targeted at humans since the demon girl and him were immune. "We should probably test the rest of the gear then jump into another magic vial so we can get everyone a decent mana pool."

"Do you want me to check the buttplug while I'm thinking about it?" the demon girl asked.

"Sure," Myst replied as he floated the giant ring that looked more like a belt considering its size, the boxing gloves and the buttplug over to her, wanting to check since he'd picked them up after sending Deckard home.

The demon girl smiled as she checked the giant ring. "The girls can use the ring like a belt, it splits the user into ten smaller versions of themselves with ten times the power and ten times less attention span, mostly because you're trying to multitask."

Vicky laughed as she thought about flying around as ten different versions of her at the same time. "Sounds fun if you put in enough practice."

"Not sure fun is the right word," Myst mused. "And the buttplug?"

The demon girl blinked when she looked at the buttplug and saw the enchantment. "It imprints a new martial arts style every time you get into a fight while wearing it."

"Really?" Amy asked in disbelief, not sure how to feel about the magical sex toy now that they knew it was useful enough to actually use… despite what it was.

"Yep," the demon girl replied with a grin. "I doubt it would take more than a couple of levels before you're a master martial artist."

"What about the boxing gloves?" Taylor asked, hoping for an alternative as the ability to learn to be a martial arts master over the weekend was too good to pass up and she’d much rather wear boxing gloves than have something shoved up… there.

"They generate a modest amount of elemental damage with each hit," the demon girl explained.

"Useful but not game breaking," Myst mused. "We should probably sort the coins, grab some of the magic clothes and head into the magic vials."

"And bring the rest of the pizza," Taylor suggested as she grabbed one of the magic girl transformation rings and put it on. She transformed, causing her clothes to be replaced by sparkles and a red outfit. "I'm Taylor," she told him, wanting to head off the annoyance of the stranger effect.

Amy pulled her attention away from Taylor's body, wondering if she could talk the girl into a date now that she wasn't obsessing over her sister. 'Yeah, that fairy dust might have helped more than I thought.' She picked up a transformation ring and put it on, deciding to worry about her issues later. "Do you think the fairy dust covers modesty?"

"It cures status effects, excessive modesty probably counts," the demon girl told her, not actually sure if it counted or if there was something on the rings that made people overlook how immodest the costumes were. 'Either way, no reason to ruin a good thing.'

"We're never talking about this," Amy told the group as she grabbed the buttplug off the table and walked around the filing cabinet, wanting a bit of privacy for the next part.

Myst took the bracelet off and set it with the rest of the odds and ends he'd collected then grabbed the bag of holding. He grabbed an empty cardboard box with his telekinesis and hauled it over then started emptying the coins so they'd have somewhere to stick the new coins on their next run. 'At least they'll have enough power to deal with the gangs by the time we're done.'

Vicky looked up when she heard someone walking over. "Who…" she trailed off when she realized the girl wearing green spandex had a glowing behind. "Why?"

"I'm Amy," Amy told them, not wanting to rehash things. "No jokes, no pictures, no stories about things that should remain secret."

"If anyone asks, we found some magic books and they vanished when we used them, damned shame," Myst suggested.

"Exactly," Vicky agreed, trying not to laugh at the way her sister's butt reminded her of a glow bug, mostly because she knew she'd be doing the same thing once Amy was done with it. “Um?”

“What?” Amy asked suspiciously, sure her sister was about to say something embarrassing.

“How did you get it to fit without lube?!” Vicky blurted out.

Amy face palmed as everyone turned to stare at her. “Magical items resize themselves to fit,” she reminded them.