Demons and Botched Rituals Part 17 (Patreon)

"Sword?" Harry asked thoughtfully.

"That sounds better than sneaking through the land of the dead or dealing with a crazy archmage," River replied, not particularly confident in their ability to defeat the mage.

Harry walked over and picked up the wooden sword on the pedestal, causing the door with a sword to open and reveal an old fashioned knight in charred black full plate. “That’s new.”

The knight dipped his head slightly and looked down at Harry. “Welcome, I’m Sir Lancelot, Knight of the Realm, and I have need of your assistance, brave hero,” the man announced in a voice that sounded old and worn, carrying a bone deep weariness that seemed to sap the energy just from hearing it.

"Ah shit," River complained, not remotely interested in being a hero or being heroic for that matter, as heroes tended to die with frightening regularity.

‘Knight of the Realm, not table?’ Harry mused as he studied the knight’s charred armor that looked to have gone several rounds with a dragon and lost as it was partially melted in several places. ‘I'm going to be quite perturbed if this is the least horrible option.’ He sighed as he stepped into the training room. “What do you need?”

“I need someone to challenge the dragon, rescue the princess, and recover the Holy Grail so that I might restore Camelot to its former glory,” the knight said gravely. “The hopes and dreams of an entire realm will rest on your shoulders.”

Harry stared at the knight. “You want me to challenge a dragon?”

“Don’t worry, you’re the hero of destiny, I have faith in you,” the knight replied, forcing himself to sound confident with a smile that reminded Harry a bit too much of Lockhart.

“I don’t suppose you have an extra dragon slaying sword lying around?” Harry asked, a touch sarcastically.

“Of course, it is dangerous to go alone, take this...” the knight trailed off as he pulled a wooden sword out of his pack. “Erm, yeah, never mind,” he said as he tossed the sword over his shoulder, causing it to clatter on the ground. “I have a better idea, you’re obviously a hero which means you should try pulling The Sword from the Stone!” he shouted as he stepped to the side and revealed the hilt of a knight’s sword sticking up from a large chunk of stone buried in the floor.

‘Fine, screw it,’ Harry thought as he walked over, grabbed the sword and yanked, half expecting the blade to snap. He stumbled backwards as the gleaming sword came out of the stone much easier than it should have. 'Fate's Punching Bag? Chosen Hero of Legend?' he mused as he read the titles of his new temporary classes the sword was providing him.

“How the fuck?!” the knight blurted then shook his head. “Good job! Now you just need to rescue the princess and reclaim the Holy Grail for me.”

"We get paid for this, right?" River asked, fairly sure the answer was no, given the state of the man's armor.

"Paid? You're a hero, why would you expect payment?" the knight asked, genuinely confused.

"Living expenses? Stabling fees, room and board? Hookers?" River asked, not sure the knight was all there.

The knight blinked, not sure he'd heard the last part. "Pardon? I’m not sure I caught that last part."

"Hooks, for your gear, they're always breaking," River lied, deciding they might as well play along.

'Right,' Harry thought as he looked at his new classes. 'Fate's Punching Bag, Chosen One: 20% more damage per level, increase chance of getting pulled into quests at dramatic times by 2% per level. Lessor Resistance to Firebolts: decreases damage from firebolts by 2%/level. Bard of Legend: 2% chance of attracting a traditional bard that you'll have to bail out of danger once per day. Resistance: Death: 40% resistance to death effects plus 3%/level. Is that because fate wants you around to suffer?'

'Probably,' Harry thought as he looked at the other class. 'Chosen Hero of Legend, 15% increased damage with blades, Aura of the King: 2.5% reduction in damage to all allies per level, twenty feet plus 20 feet per level of the skill? Blade skill with a cap of 30? Unbreakable Courage: 40% immunity to fear effects plus 3% per level. Fifty percent chance across the board of gaining stats every level. Yeah, there's no way they're letting me keep this sword.'

"Do we have to worry about a bunch of other monsters or just the dragon?" River asked warily.

"Just the dragon," the knight replied as he gestured and a door in the wall opened leading to a long hallway lit by flickering torches.

"Lovely. Does the mage in the other room have a name?" Harry asked, hoping to hell he didn't recognize it.

"Myrddin," the knight replied smugly. "Which is why dealing with the dragon is easier."

"Lovely," Harry grumbled. "Do you want to check the cloak?"

River pulled her attention off the knight and focused on Harry. "I was thinking about grabbing the staff."

"How?" Harry asked, figuring this was where she ordered him to grab it.

"I've got a crazy plan, since we know at least one of the mage’s weaknesses," River pulled a potion out of her pocket that she'd been planning on using at the festival next week and drank it, causing her face to change to match her stepmother's. 'Now if I can just talk him into giving me the staff for sex, we'll be in business,' she told herself as she grabbed the staff off the pedestal, causing the door to Merlin's room to open. "If this doesn't work, please make sure the bitch dies."

"Got it," Harry agreed, wondering how she was going to deal with Merlin and hoping it didn't bite him in the ass because Merlin had ways of dealing with demons that were effective and decidedly less than pleasant depending on which stories you went by.

River frowned as she walked into the mostly empty spellcasting chamber and realized the wizard was a lot older than she’d thought from this angle and she didn’t think she could go through with a seduction ploy. 'New plan.'

"Here to challenge me girl?" Merlin asked as he studied River, a lecherous gleam in his eye, temporarily displacing the madness.

"Yes, I challenge-" River began as she stepped forward and kicked the wizard between the legs as hard as she could, causing him to collapse to his knees in agony. She ripped the ornate staff out of his weakened grasp and sprinted out of the room, doing her best not to trip over either staff as she juggled them.

'So much for bargaining with the wizard,' Harry thought as River frantically stumbled into the room carrying two staves.

River dashed over to the pedestal and slammed the plan wooden staff on it while the wizard started angrly chanting something in an unknown language that sent shivers down her spine, hoping to hell it closed the door before he could finish whatever curse or spell he'd been casting.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked when the door slammed shut.

River pulled the counteragent to her previous potion out of her pocket and drank it, restoring her appearance to normal. "That was fun…" she trailed off as her mind cleared and she realized that she'd just kicked an archmage in the nuts. "I have a feeling the staff is cursed to hell and back…" she trailed off as the dungeon shook like something was using explosives in the other room. "We should hurry!"

"Cloak?" Harry asked.

"Might as well," River replied as she studied her temporary class, hoping to hell she could master it and keep it because it was fantastic. "Archmage: Mana Tap: allows you to absorb magic from the environment, restoring skill level percent of your total mana per second."

"That's insane," Harry replied as he picked up the cloak, causing the third door to open, revealing a moonlit marsh filled with twisted winter trees and hundreds or possibly even thousands of ghostly figures floating over the ground that looked… hungry. He dropped the cloak in his enchanting box and hit the button. "The cloak temporarily gives you the Ghost Thief class, a negative twenty to all types of stealth, attracts ghosts and triples their life-draining effects on the user, lovely."

"In other words, it's a death trap?" River asked as she looked at the marsh filled with ghosts.

"Pretty much," Harry replied as he put the cloak on, causing the closest ghosts to turn and fly towards him. He pulled the cloak off then set it back on the pedestal, causing the door to shut.

"Any idea how to deal with a dragon?" River asked as she hurried into the room with the knight, not sure if she should be happy or worried that the explosions from the wizard's room had stopped.

"Several," Harry replied as he followed River into the other room, figuring they'd come back for the cloak once the ghosts lost interest.

The knight coughed. "Best of luck with the dragon… and the wizard. I'll stay here and… guard the path out."

"Any helpful suggestions?" Harry asked as he walked over and picked up the wooden sword that the knight had tossed over his shoulder. He dropped it into his enchanting box and hit the button. 'High base damage and it deals 200% damage against undead, figures,' he mused as he moved the wooden sword to his inventory so he could fight with the other two swords.

"Don't get hit by its breath weapon," the knight suggested, rubbing a melted spot over his heart.

Harry gave the knight an unimpressed look then headed down the poorly lit hallway.

River was a bit surprised that the hallway wasn't trapped, at least until they reached the end of the hallway and saw a castle sized silver dragon sprawled on a hill of gold coins and treasures that would buy the entire city several times over. "Fuck me…"

"Is that an order or a request?" Harry asked as he reached over and touched the staff while River was distracted by the dragon, picking up the archmage class.

"Not sure," River admitted as she glanced around the massive cavern, trying to figure out if there was anything they could use to defeat the dragon. “I’m pretty sure we’re both fucked in this situation so we might as well try and enjoy part of it before our inevitable doom.”

Harry glanced at the second tunnel then turned and looked the other way, seeing another tunnel that probably led to the marsh. "We're missing something, it can't be this easy."

"What part of this looks easy?" River asked in disbelief.

"We picked up a sword, walked through a hallway and found the dragon, compared to fighting an archmage or making our way through a marsh filled with ghosts, this was too easy," Harry argued, knowing there had to be a trick.

"Now you're just being paranoid," the dragon offered with a yawn.

River shivered as she looked back at the dragon and realized it was looking at her. "Parley?" she asked hopefully.

The dragon took a couple of seconds to study River. "That depends, are you perhaps heroes hell bent on saving the princess?"

"Tea?" Harry offered.

The dragon focused on Harry. "Are you trying to distract me?"

Harry pulled a pot of fresh mint tea out of his inventory. "Is it working?"

The dragon laughed, causing the room to shake and sending shivers down Harry's spine. "That depends."

"On?" River asked, hoping they could talk their way out of a fight.

The dragon turned into silver mist and condensed down into a person sized storm of magic before changing into a tall blonde haired woman with pointed ears. "On the quality of the tea."

Harry nearly dropped the teapot as he stared at the knight wearing brightly polished scale mail that looked to have been crafted from lost scales. 'Hagrid would love it here,' he thought as he glanced at the hilt sticking out of the ornately carved wooden sheath hooked to her belt. He glanced at the collection of blue and green potions clipped to the dragon's belt then at her leather boots before pulling his attention up to her face, slightly surprised she wasn't wearing a helmet. "No helmet?"

"It's in my bag, it's annoying," the dragon turned elf admitted as she walked over.

"Makes sense," Harry replied as he pulled a teacup out of his inventory and poured her a cup.

She inhaled the scent of the tea then accepted the cup and took a sip, savoring the taste. "What did you want to discuss?" she asked River.

"We're trying to leave the dungeon, can you give us any advice?" River asked hopefully.

The dragon glanced at the entrance to Merlin's lab. "Technically, there are four ways to win. Realistically? Your best bet is to kill the knight, find the holy grail or clear the swamp of ghosts and find a secret passage, mostly because Merlin is a stone cold bastard when it comes to dueling and none of your weapons or spells can harm me."

Harry asked as he stuck the teapot back in his inventory. "Can you tell us where the grail is?" he asked, hoping it wasn't in her hoard.

The dragon scowled as she thought about the grail. "Not in my hoard."

Harry opened his mouth to ask another question and stopped when he heard the faint singing in the background get louder. "Is that the princess?"

"Yes," the dragon grumbled. "She won't shut up, she's also a morning person."

"Let me guess, you didn't kidnap the princess?" Harry asked, trying to put the pieces together.

The dragon drained the rest of the cup of tea. "If I'd kidnapped her, I would have returned her. Do you know how annoying it is to have forest creatures showing up to clean your hoard. Don't even get me started on the fact that her singing makes the silverware dance and sing."

"That sounds… frustrating," Harry offered after a couple of seconds of thought.

"Very," the dragon muttered. "I don't suppose you want to kidnap her?"

Harry looked at the dragon suspiciously, figuring there had to be a reason the dragon hadn't already dealt with the problem herself. "Are you contractually obligated to defend her?"

"I'm contractually obligated to try, not succeed. Flip a coin, heads you win, tails, I lose, does that sound fair?" the dragon offered as she reached down and picked up a coin from her horde.

"What am I supposed to do with a princess?" Harry asked warily.

"Lock her in a dark tower and wait for a hero to rescue her?" the dragon suggested, wincing when the princess rode down one of the mounds of coin on the back of Fluffy.

Harry turned to look at the teenage blonde girl in a pink dress that was riding a black bear down the side of one of the mounds of coin. "Hi?"

The princess jumped off the back of the bear when it came to a stop and landed gracefully in front of the group. "Please tell me you're here to kick the sh-stuffings out of the knight, he keeps trying to kidnap me."

"Not a fan?" River asked.

"He means well but I can't sew and have you seen Merlin's library?" the princess asked with a smile.

"Not yet," Harry admitted.

"I'm going to learn magic then I'm going to turn my evil stepmother into a toad," the princess declared, causing a beam of sunlight to shine down from the ceiling of the cave and illuminate her.

Harry glanced around, not quite sure where the musical track was coming from that reminded him of the Imperial March.

"See what I mean?" the dragon muttered as woodland critters started popping out of places and started singing with the princess about books, magic, fighting knights and riding dragons into battle.

“I am in no way anyone’s noble steed,” the dragon said firmly.

0o0o0

"Any luck?" Selena asked, keeping her attention on the shadowy tunnel her lantern was illuminating, wanting to make sure they didn't get jumped by something they'd missed.

Loki smiled as the fist sized blue and purple slime slowly inching towards him started glowing with a purple light, letting him know that he'd finished capturing it. He pulled up his new pet's sheet and frowned as he glanced over the creature's stats and weaknesses. "This explains why no one uses slimes for combat pets," he muttered as he shared his pet's stats with the party.

"What were you expecting?" Selena asked with amusement, having already looked at the stats for her new acid slimes. "It's a minion from near the entrance."

"I was hoping for something with better defenses," Loki admitted, thinking of some of the horror stories he'd heard from people clearing out the sewers. "With two hit points, you could almost kill it by sneezing in its general direction."

Hermione pulled her attention off the channel filled with various types of slimes and oozes that were part of the city's sewage treatment system and examined the slime's stats, fairly sure he was joking about the sneezing bit as the slimes were immune to disease and extremely resistant to poison. "Zero strength, weak to frost magic? I don't remember slimes being weak to cold in the monster book."

"They're not, I'm pretty sure the original slimes and oozes were modified to make it easier to contain them," Selena explained.

"That makes a surprising amount of sense," Hermione admitted, making a mental note to research the city's infrastructure when she got a chance. She opened her monster breeding menu. "Hopefully this doesn't cause the test subjects to explode."

Loki laughed. "That's why we're testing things on slimes."

Hermione selected Loki's new slime and one of the green acidic slimes that Selena had captured. "How many rules are we breaking?"

Loki closed the window showing his new pet and focused on the channel filled with slimes, wanting to make sure nothing ambushed them because they weren't paying attention. "Technically, you're supposed to have a secure location to breed monsters and you need a permit for anything dangerous but we're basically in a giant containment zone and we're not introducing anything dangerous so we should be covered."

"Sorry, there were just rules about breeding magical creatures back home." Hermione glanced at the percentages next to each trait then hit the button, figuring she might as well start the clock on her ability.

"The general rule of thumb is don't get caught," Loki replied cheerfully as he glanced over the modified trade window that appeared in front of him.

"Relax, no one is going to care about a couple of slimes," Selena assured her as she tapped the accept button.

"Any idea why the chance to pass down the frost weakness is 100% while the chance to pass down their disease immunity is only 95%?" Hermione asked, wishing her skill came with an instruction manual.

"No clue," Loki admitted as he hit the accept button, causing the 'trade' to go through and progress bars to appear over the slimes.

"Nothing?" Hermione asked.

Loki went back to watching the channel filled with slimes. "It could be anything from a curse on the slimes or the sewers to the way the skill deals with weaknesses and advantages. If I had to guess, it's probably a function of low skill though it could be a combination."

Selena glanced down at the progress bars over the slimes. "Have you considered making a skill to speed up your monster breeding?"

Hermione shook her head. "I wanted to see if I could get it working and it only takes a minute."

"It only takes a minute for slimes, it's going to take longer for everything else." Selena turned and focused on the creepy passage she was supposed to be watching.

Loki glanced at Hermione's giant pet rat. "Most of the more powerful monsters take months or years to hatch."

Hermione glanced at the progress bar on her monster breeding menu. "I'll take a look when I'm done with the first set, there's a progress bar and I don't want to close the window or break something by using another skill."

"You should probably see if you can do the same for your cooking and blacksmithing skills while you're thinking about it," Selena suggested, knowing it would save them time in the long run.

"I'll take a look," Hermione promised, fairly sure Hagrid would get a kick out of the monster breeding class. "Hmm, if I can mix my warped alchemy skill with my monster breeding skill we might be able to get something interesting."

Loki laughed, fairly sure they could make a mint selling the weird monsters to the adventuring guild, especially if they were combat capable.