Swim with Sharks (Patreon)

I hate to admit it, but it's been hard for me to keep a stable job. I think I'm a smart guy and most of the time I do my job well. The problem is that I sabotage myself due to my “verbal flatulence.”

Let's put it this way. Most people think about something, analyze it and then decide if it is worth saying. I, on the other hand, have no verbal filter. This has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion and has often left me unemployed. Bosses don’t like it when you are brutally honest with them.

So I hop from job to job a lot. My current gig, security guard, and not just any guard. I’d be guarding Synergy, the hot rising mutant pop star.

The day of the concert came and I made a promise to myself. Shut up. Just shut up. If you don’t say anything then you won’t say anything stupid. I put on my uniform and reported to duty and hoped that I wouldn’t screw this one up.

“You’re lucky,” my supervisor said. “A lot of our staff is out sick with COVID, so we needed to make some emergency hires.”

I just nodded, holding myself to my vow to shut up.

“Not many people get to guard someone as important as Synergy, you know. This is quite the opportunity,” he said.

I said nothing.

“You’re really one for conversation aren’t ya… Anyway, every security team reports to a manager and your manager is Sarah. Hey Sarah! Got some fresh fish for ya,” the supervisor said as we walked through the backstage door.

I did not expect what I saw on the other side.

She was a stunning mutant, half woman half shark. She was nearly seven feet tall, and looked fierce, even terrifying, a natural bodyguard.

… and she was hot. What? I can’t help it if tall hot Amazons are my fetish.

Dammit… I needed to double down on the shut up strategy.

“Sarah, this guy is Pat,” the supervisor said. “He’s a real talker,” he quipped sarcastically. “Make sure he doesn’t fuck up OK?”

Sarah looked me up and down with disdain. “I don’t remember seeing him at orientation.”

“Yeah, that’s cause everyone at orientation got sick with the ‘rona. Look, treat him like your assistant OK. You say something, he’ll do it.”

Sarah just scowled and nodded, pointing a finger. “Stay on that side and watch the hallway. All we gotta do is keep any unauthorized personnel from getting through this corridor. Synergy doesn’t really have many dangerous fans but some can get… overzealous if you know what I mean.”

I nodded and gave a dumb little salute that caused her to roll her eyes. How else was I going to signal that I was ready without talking? She left me to my station and she went to hers, and I spent a good portion of the night just… staring at her. She had a her skin was a steel blue and white and her legs, I swear I have never seen more toned legs in my life.

“So, are you are Great White Shark?”

FUCK! I was so distracted by her legs I wasn’t focused on keeping my mouth shut.

“Keep your eyes on the job,” she said with an angry snarl.

“Sorry sorry!” I apologized. “It’s just you look like a great white, you know, like from jaws?”

Sarah held up two fingers and shot me an angry glare. “Three things. First, I’m a person, not an animal. Second, did you really think bringing up Jaws to a shark girl was a good idea? Disaster movies like that are full of prejudice. Sharks are perfectly safe and shark mutants, like me, are even more so. Third, you are here to guard, not to talk.”

It was too late, I was now in an infinite loop of justifying myself. “I just wanted to break the ice. I didn’t know I would offend you.”

“I’m not offended,” she said gritting her teeth. “I just want to get back to the job, keep out the crazed fans.”

“Gotcha, so I just wrestle them to the ground and…”

“NO! God didn’t they teach you anything? Look.” She walked over to me, and I couldn’t deny that my heart jumped up into my throat. Seeing her tower over me was just… alluring.

“If an unauthorized person gets past the line,” she began, “we warn them that they cannot pass. No matter what justification they give, we simply turn them away. If they insist that they have a right to be here, we refer them to the Synergy communications team, who can deal with it from there.”

“What if they get violent…” I asked.

“Then you avoid confrontation, and call for backup.”

“Who is backup?”

“I’m backup,” she said with a grin.

“So what will YOU do?” I asked innocently.

“What do you think I’ll do?” she replied, annoyed.

“… bite him?”

She sighed and shook her head. “I’ll hold them down until further security can arrive to escort them off the premises.”

“Oh… of course of course,” I said. “look I’m sorry for what I said it’s just…”

“Just what? Couldn’t resist the chance to make another shark joke? Well I have news for you. Make another one of those and you’ll be staring down something much scarier than a shark bite.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“A human resources violation. You wanna get fired?”

“No! I just… I mean... I tend to speak before I think is all. I just vomit all my thoughts and-“

“So you can’t hold your tongue?” she said crouching down to be on my level. “Maybe I should rip it out…”

“Eep,” I whimpered out of fear… and… arousal.

“Hah, they always cower when cornered, people like you always-“ it was then that she noticed the raging bon er I had. “Ewwww! What the hell is wrong with you!”

“I can’t help it you are hot as hell! I tried to shut up, but you were just standing there, your sexy legs and fins and everything, towering over me!” I began blurting out. It was too late to stop now. “And so I’m here telling myself to shut up shut up shut up but I’m also thinking ‘man wouldn’t it be awesome if she stepped on you’ and then I’m like ‘Pat you idiot don’t say that’ and then I’m like ‘but how is she ever going to know how impressive you think she is. She’s like a wild animal goddess’ and then I’m like ‘maybe if she bit me it wouldn’t be so bad-“

“ENOUGH ENOUGH!” she cried, her cheeks a deep purple which must pass for blush for her skin color. “Th-this better not be a joke,” she said stammering over her words. “D-don’t make fun of me!”

“I’m serious! I know I’m awkward but DAMN you are just the sexiest goddamn girl I have ever seen, shark or no shark. In fact the shark just makes you sexier. It’s like a mermaid but also like you would murder someone. Mermaid murder. Mermaider. Like the Dethklok song? Have you ever seen metalocalypse? It’s a great show. You’d be awesome in a sexy metal getup, like with spikes and bondage gear and-“

“OK PLEASE STOP!” she shouted again. “JUST FOCUS ON THE JOB!” she roared before stomping off back to her station.

A long time passed and no one said anything. We just listened to the concert music and watched the hallway. Eventually I couldn’t stand the silence.

“You… OK?” I asked.

She sighed. “Yes… I’m OK, you weirdo. I’m just not used to people thinking I’m hot… alright?”

“I find that hard to believe,” I said.

“Animal girls don’t have it easy. Sure, in the media everyone thinks it’s cute but in real life people get intimidated. It’s even worse if you are a large predator. Plus there’s all the mean furry jokes and stuff. It’s just a hastle.”

“Well, I think you are beautiful..”

“I KNOW!” she interrupted. “Your pants speak louder than your voice ever could. Just focus on the job OK?”

“Yes ma’am!” I said dutifully.

“Besides, we will have more time to talk after the concert. We won’t have to yell over the music.” She said turning away from me.

“After the concert?” I asked.

“Yes. I know a bar a few blocks from here. It’s called the shark tank.”

I just stared at her…

“It’s a coincidence OK! Anyway maybe it would be nice if… we got… a drink after work to unwind… alright? That is if you don’t mind sharing a drink with Jaws,” she said with a smile.

I smiled back. “I think I’ll take the risk.”