Three Friends in a Bar (Patreon)

“I can’t believe so much has changed in two months. Last time we were here we sat at this very table, and we all had girlfriends, and now here we are all single,” Richard said. He had met up with two of his good friends as a local bar. It wasn’t that busy but given that it was the middle of the week that wasn’t surprising.

"You're right," said Charlie. “It really sucks."

“What happened to you? You both looked so happy,” asked Rob.

"For me it was a damn mutation," Richard said and took a sip of his beer.

"Wait, your girlfriend had a mutation too?" Charlie asked.

"Mine was a mutation, too," Rob said.

"As I said. Damn coincidences,” Richard said. "In my case it was a fusion."

"Wow, you mean your girlfriend merged with someone else?" Rob asked, puzzled.

“Yes, with her best friend,” Richard said. “Now technically my girlfriend doesn't exist anymore, she's just part of a new girl. She’s hot, but she is not my girlfriend anymore. She’s changed, and it’s very clear she prefers women over men now. There’s still some parts of the girl I loved there, but she’s just so different now that she’s almost unrecognizable.”

"Oh man, that sucks!" Charlie said. "And the strange thing is that something completely opposite happened to me."

"What do you mean?" asked Richard.

“My girlfriend had a partial mitosis one day. It was pretty scary. First her breasts grew, which was sexy, but then they split apart into two pairs. Then the same thing happened with her arms, they inflated and swelled and then split in half. It was most surprising to watch the same thing happen to her head though. It split right down the middle, dividing into two. I tell you, I could only stare in shock for a moment when that happened.”

"Well, two heads, four breasts and four arms sounds like a lot of fun rather than a problem," said Rob.

“I thought the same while she waited for her mutation to stabilize, but sadly I discovered that the two heads were not my girlfriend either, and they wound up falling in love with each other. The worst part was that they wanted to be exclusive, which kind of left me out in the cold,” Charlie shook his head and fiddled with his half empty mug of beer.

"Wow, for a moment I thought you were going to have an amazing threesome," said Rob.

"Yeah, me too. But in the end, three's a crowd,” Charlie said before emptying his glass.

"I get you folks, mutations are a real problem sometimes," said Rob.

"Well, what happened to you? Your girlfriend was amazing,” Richard said.

“Of course, she was. She was beautiful, smart, very talented, understanding, among other things. However, a couple of weeks ago she underwent a mutation."

"Oh? What happened to her?" Charlie demanded.

“First of all, she now she has six arms and six breasts,” said Rob.

"That sounds great to me," Richard said.

"Yeah, but she also got horns, which curl behind her head," Rob said.

"I've seen very sexy horned girls," Charlie said.

"I know, and up until that everything was fine, but..."

"But what?!" Richard and Charlie asked in unison.

“…but then she grew a penis," said Rob.

"Yeah, and what else happened?" Richard said.

"Well, that! Now she has a penis on top of her vagina."

"But her personality is the same, right?" Charlie asked as Richard rubbed his hand across his forehead.

"Yeah, well… just a little hornier," Rob said.

"So, you broke up with her?" Charlie asked incredulously. Rob just nodded.

Richard drank the entire contents of the glass from him before slamming it on the table.

"Rob, buddy… you're an asshole," Richard said.

"What, why?" Rob said.

"Your wife just got hotter, and you broke up with her."

"Well, I really don't think I'm ready for her to try to peg me," Rob said.

“Well, you don't have to be. Doesn’t sound like she even asked to do that,” Richard said, still angry.

"Rob, the fact that she has a penis doesn't mean she immediately wants to put it in you. And I’m sure she’d never force you to do something you’re uncomfortable with," Charlie said.

"Hmm yeah, I see what you’re saying," Rob said as he turned the empty glass over between his fingers. "Do you think she’d want to get back together with me?"

"I think you screwed that up already, Rob," Richard said.

"Me too," Charlie said.

Rob just stared at the glass he was fiddling with. His friends were right. He had been stupid and ruined a good thing. He sighed, upset with himself. After a moment he looked up and noticed both his friends were typing away furiously on their phones. “Oh, come on, don’t tell me you’re trying to find my ex-girlfriend’s phone number!”

Richard and Charlie looked at each other sheepishly and slipped their phones into their pockets. “Sorry,” they both mumbled.

Rob just shook his head in disbelief. “Some friends you are.”