Color - Mutants and Monsters (Patreon)

  Story by: @MyLifeIsAnRPG 

(The following is based on a real Dungeons and Dragons session.)

The cave was dark and damp, smelling of mold and decay. Down it walked three deadly yet sexy adventurers, a centaur clad in a wizard’s robes, a six armed marilith, armed with weapons in each hand, slithering on her snake tail, and a two headed ogre, each head with a single gigantic eye and sharp horn, with three fingered hands and two toed feet, clad in the skintight coverings of a master of thievery.

The party could hear moans echoing down the cavern. The feeling was tense. Darkness seemed to creep up from the caverns below, swallowing up the torchlight. Before the adventurers stood two doors, carved into the cavern wall. Stepping forward, the doors swung open, into a small room with a strange altar in it. As soon as they stepped inside, their torches went out, and a pitch blackness washed over them, blinding them to their surroundings.

“I cast fireball!”

“Uh… what?” Leena said, looking incredulously over her dungeon master screen. 

“You said it was pitch black so I cast fireball to light up the room.” said Nicole. She was a skinny mutant with short black hair, glasses, and slender tentacles for arms that split off into smaller tentacles where her hands would be. She was also controlling Orina, the centaur wizard.

“No… I mean… fireball doesn’t work that way,” Leena said wish a sigh.

“It creates fire right?” said Nicole.

“It creates an explosion!” said Leena exasperated. “It would take out the entire room.”

“Hey, how many attacks do I get?” said Carolyn. She was a young harpy looking mutant with long blonde hair and an amazing singing voice, and she was playing Althea, the marilith fighter.

“Only one unless you want to use a bonus action,” said Leena.

“But here it says mariliths get multiple actions a turn,” complained Carolyn.

“No” said Leena, rubbing her forehead between her eyes. “The enemy monster mariliths do. The player race only gets one action a turn like the rest of us.”

“Well, that’s stupid.” Carolyn pouted. “I have six arms I should be able to hit six times.”

“Look you have to be balanced with the rest of the party and-“

“The darkness is home to me…” piped up Casey, a young lizardgirl mutant playing the two headed Byla and Beora. “I can see and move through it just as easily as I could the day. In fact, this feels safer to me, one who stalks the shadows. I fear not man nor beast who swims in the shades embrace, for I am as a child to her, a stalker in the night.”

“… Ok… are you… doing anything?” Leena said.

“Oh, no no no, Nicole can go ahead and cast fireball” said Casey.”

“DON’T CAST FIREBALL!” pleaded Leena. “Don’t you have like, a spell that conjures light or something, like prestidigitation or… idk faerie fire?”

“Yeah but if I cast fireball I can also blow up anyone who is hiding in the room at the same time,” said Niccole.

“You don’t…” stammered Leena, “you don’t even know if anyone is in here with you.”

“I do,” interjected Casey. “I can sense them moving through the darkness, for I am one with it.”

“Fine, make me a perception roll,” said Leena trying to get the game back on track.

Casey rolled her d20 “how about a 5?”

“A 5 doesn’t tell you anything” said Leena.

“See guys, it’s totally safe,” said Casey.

“Can I just like, swing my sword and spear around blindly in the darkness?” asked Carolyn.

“Why on EARTH would you wanna do that?” said Leena.

“Just in case there are enemies that Casey didn’t spot,” said Carolyn.

“Fine, you swing your sword around and hit nothing,” said Leena, losing her patience.

“You didn’t even have me roll.”

“I don’t care! You hit nothing! No one is here! Can we get on with it?”

“Fine… but if we don’t find something to fight I’m gonna be upset.”

“Ok, what if I cast magic missile, but like, on a torch?” said Niccole.

“Why don’t you just LIGHT a torch?” said Leena.

“Can I do that?” said Niccole. “I thought wizards just cast spells.”

“Everyone can light a torch Niccole…” said Leena slumping her head on the table in front of her.

“Those who walk in the darkness have no need for torches. My eyes were born into darkness this grim, and will forever see darkness this grim,” said Casey. “I walk up to the altar.”

“Finally!” exclaimed Leena. “When you get to the altar you see-“

“Oh wait… wait… can we take a break?” said Niccole. “I have to pee.”

“Yeah and I want to get lunch.” Said Carolyn.

“Well if everyone else is taking a break I’m just going to make a quick phonecall,” said Casey.

Leena slumped in her chair “fine fine go..” she groaned. “Ugh… I need to teach Sophie and Lucy how to play… they have to be better than this.”