Tuesday Text Topics - Imposter Syndrome (Patreon)

While I have had depression in the past (particularly surrounding the death of my dad and the resentment of having to deal with his estate, we won't get into it) I don't suffer daily from it. My siblings, my father, and many people close to me do. I count myself lucky on that score so in this essay I'm going to speak from a place of privilege, hoping that my comments don't come off callous. Hopefully, speaking with some empathy.

As a young artist, I was pretty much the only one in my (small) class that could draw pretty well, without much effort. I got good because I loved doing it, I was drawing every day. Comments like "wow, that looks really good" and "you're so talented" were often thrown at me, and by adults which as a kid is a pretty rare thing. I did other things, sure. I was a decent student. I was a terrible athlete. But I could always count on a compliment if I just drew something and showed it to someone. In no small part, my art is what validated me as a person.

As I got older, those compliments started seeming... less valid. I was a teenager, so being a shit was just part of the package (especially in the 90s when you tied a flannel around your waist, scoffed at hair metal music, and shrugged with a 'whatever' attitude). So, hearing my friend's mom say I was 'so talented'... I mean, big deal, right? SURE I'm talented... but what other artists had they seen? What did they know?

So, I got into college. There were lots of other talented illustrators. You showed them something, and usually you'd get the nod. Cool. But every once in a while, they'd see something they loved and you'd get that fresh hit of validation again. And I was exposed to more and more art that was by people my age. That were so much better than me.

Now there's this internet and I see hundreds of talented artists. The ones I'm seeing are usually kink related, but not always, and it seems that imposter syndrome (that feeling that you don't belong in this group of amazing artists) is there regardless of the kind of art they produce. They could have thousands of followers, and still they will talk about this. 

It's hard for me to wrap my head around the depths of dread they get about not belonging, but I think I can empathize... if they're like me, maybe it's about the validity of the compliments? Are followers and audience just a bunch of best friend's moms telling them "This is so good!"? 

As someone with an audience, I don't think it's that. We think about the areas that we struggle with. Using the same pose over and over again because a new pose would fail... and then seeing another artist nail it. Or, we post something we're super proud of... and get what seems to be crickets in response. Like doing your best on a picture, expecting it to go up on the fridge like the others, but mom said, "That's really good!" without really looking at it and setting it aside. 

This turned into a dump! I think I often apologize for rambling here, and I don't think I really resolved the topic, so I'll put a pin in it. Trying to understand this thing with imposter syndrome, balancing a healthy skepticism of one's own talents and ability... gauging value on how many hearts appear below a piece you put 30 hours into. I feel like there's a lot to mine.

I wish I had a topic to comment on. I'm not sure how many people relate to this, and I'm not sure that assuming you can't relate doesn't seem like some elitist bullshit (coming from a dude that draws balloon tits). In any event, it's something that was on my mind, and will continue to be.

Hope you all enjoy your week! And if you have a chance, find an artist you love and hit the heart below their art. #HeartTheArt :)