Update (Patreon)

Hey everyone - first I want to say I'm sorry for not having posted any updates before now. It's been a pretty exhausting time for me, mentally and emotionally. The summer months feel like a blur, almost like it was May and I blinked and now it's September.

I'm doing okay. I'm really sorry to anyone who has been worried about me, because that's never been my intention. When I started creating for TS4, I had no idea how much my life was going to change and how difficult things would become. I hate that my creating and posting has ended up so inconsistent, but it's the unfortunate reality as I've tried to cope with pretty debilitating depression.

For anyone who wasn't a patron at the time or isn't otherwise aware, my mother passed suddenly in early 2020. There have been times in the last three years where my feelings about this have been "stable", but - maybe this is strange, maybe not - my grief, anxiety and depression seems to have gotten worse as time has gone on.

Something that has greatly complicated matters is that I was in the process of adopting a dog when my mother died. He's a gorgeous, gentle, incredibly loving dog and he very quickly became an important part of my family. He's helped me in numerous ways as I've tried to deal with my mother's death. Unfortunately, he has his own health issues, and they are not always simple or straightforward (even my vet refers to him as "confusing"). Earlier this year, he began to have trouble walking, and it just got worse over time. As his health began to deteriorate, my mental health followed. Trying to relay how many times I've been to a vet (or other specialist), how many pictures and videos I've taken of him struggling to walk, how much time I've spent researching symptoms, how many sleepless nights I've had... well, it would probably fill a book.

(To anyone who has never owned a pet, or isn't a pet person in general, you may think it sounds crazy that I'm this affected by my dog. I get it!)

Anyway. Watching my dog losing the ability to walk, with no clear diagnosis or understanding or even an idea of what to expect - would it stop, reverse, get better? - has been exhausting. There have been so many times I've expected him to die. I know, because dogs have shorter lifespans, that he will be the next part of my family that I have to say goodbye to, and that's really hard for me. Harder, I think, than it might have been if my mother was still alive today.

But for right now, my dog is stable. Through some strict physio work, medication, and sheer who-knows-why, his walking has actually gotten better. My teary panic in June, certain he was going to be paralyzed and likely dead within weeks, feels like forever ago. I still don't have an exact diagnosis, but there is some stability. He doesn't walk the way he used to, but he is better than he was months ago.

I haven't returned to creating because I didn't want to jump in too soon, especially in case things got worse with him. I do feel bad that I haven't been better about keeping on top of updates to all of you in the meantime, and I am sorry that I've made you worry. I'm sorry that I haven't made more time and space to share, or even to let people know I'm alive and okay. The worst part is, the longer I go between updates, the more anxious I feel about upsetting people and sometimes that makes coming back to share an update feel even harder. Even writing this, I worry people will be upset at the up-and-down of my modding availability and finally go, "enough is enough".

Well, this is already a suuuuper long message. I'm going to wrap it up by saying:
1) I'm really sorry to anyone who has been worried about me.
2) I'm extremely grateful to everyone for your patience and understanding.
3) I may return to creating from October.

I know I have messages and comments to catch up on, and I will try to look at them asap. Thank you, all of you, for your support. It means everything.

Hope you're well,
Simdulgence