This Goddess Must Be Crazy, Chapter 47 (Patreon)

The table creaked, and Izuku glanced over at Iris, whose face was a cold mask hiding what had to be an ocean of rage. Rage that Bakugo had written all over a face stretched into a snarl, his ax in his hands.

“Aqua,” Iris said, her tone carefully neutral and calm, even as the table splintered under her fingers. “Explain to me, one more time, why we have not summarily executed this monster.”

Bakugo just let out a low and animalistic growl, clenching his fists with a pop as his sweat exploded.

Across the table, Tanya von Degurachaff, the Godslayer, sat in a straightjacket with Vanir and Aqua on either side of her, looking back at Iris with a bored expression. Victoria Ivanova was flanked by Wiz and Eris, who had a knife she was using to trim her fingernails and a look on her face that clearly indicated she’d prefer to be using it on the prisoners.

The other individuals in the room were All Might and Nezu as the representatives of the Japanese government, along with Kazuma’s party, and Izuku and Mei, who was humming to herself as she examined some of the gear that Tanya and Visha had been captured with.

“Because-” Aqua began, but Izuku interrupted her.

“Iris, we have to think about this. We don’t know enough about our enemies capabilities. We have to study what they’re capable of, so that we can-”

“Murder, Midoriya,” Iris hissed, her eyes narrowed into slits. “Murder of my entire family and kingdom.”

“Little Sis has got a point,” Kazuma said, his own eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Look, I know we supposedly went to school with her or something, but that doesn’t change that she worked with Skeletor.”

“I do not recall ever working with anyone called ‘Skeletor,’” Tanya said, tilting her head to one side slightly. “I assume you mean-”

“The Lord of the Tomb!” Iris exploded, drawing her sword and slamming it down onto the table, the blade pointed right at Tanya. “Do you deny working for him?!”

“No, but-” Tanya began, only for Iris to grab her sword up and leap onto the table. It looked like she would have rammed it right into Tanya’s sternum, if Vanir hadn’t put a finger on the tip, stopping it cold.

“Ah ah ah, O Queen Without a Land. Thou would be wise to listen before you strike down the card fate has put into our hands,” Vanir chided.

“When I want the advice of a demon, I will be sure to kill you,” Iris spat, her muscles straining against Vanir, but unable to move the blade.

“Hey, princess. The nerd thinks it’s a good idea to listen,” Bakugo said, jerking his chin at Izuku. “Maybe we listen first, then kill the two bitches after.”

Iris shot Bakugo a death glare, then sighed and relented, sheathing her sword and jumping down off the table. “Fine.”

“Is this the sort of operational efficiency I can expect?” Tanya asked with a heavy sigh, glancing at Vanir. “It’s no wonder your resistance movement has been so ineffective if this is the sort of discipline you have.”

“O Man Who has now been given a third-”

“Woman,” Tanya corrected, her eyelids twitching. “I left that life behind long ago, and this is who I am now.”

“Woman, then. Thou hast been given a third chance at life. While moi has spared thee from the wrath of the Realmless one, moi expended a life to do so.” Vanir pointed to his mask, which had ticked up to ‘III.’ “Do not tempt lions when thou art but a mouse.”

“Wait, you were a dude?” Kazuma asked, then grunted when Megumin elbowed him hard, and everyone else ignored him.

“Miss Degurechaff…what information can you give us?” Izuku asked, leaning forward.

“You’ll have to be more specific,” Tanya said flatly. “I know a great deal. However, there is one piece of information I think I should start with.”

“And that is?” All Might asked, leaning forward on the table.

“Ainz Ooal Gown is terrified of Aqua, and he is indeed the Lord of the Tomb. But he is not the one who set me on this course, nor do I believe that he came up with his plan to seek out and destroy Aqua on his own,” Tanya stated.

“What, is there supposed to be some other even more terrifying opponent out there?” Bakugo demanded. “One we’ll need your help to fight?”

“Frankly, I don’t even know how you’d begin to fight the Man in Red, nor do I know what he even is, but I suspect he is a being of a similar make to the Duke of Hell,” Tanya said, including her chin towards Vanir.

Most everyone looked to Vanir, who frowned, tilting his head to one side. “Man in Red? Moi is not familiar…do the annoying goddesses know?”

“There’s a lot of red demons,” Eris said, frowning slightly. “But if it’s one that she knows…they’d be from Horror. Not Comedy.”

“You mean, one of the big meanies from another division did this?” Aqua gasped. She patted Tanya on the head, which Tanya bore with stoic resolution. “It’s OK, Tanya, we don’t blame you.”

“I would not be so certain,” Iris said, her tone once again icy. “This does not absolve Tanya of her crimes.”

“I do not seek absolution, it is irrelevant. What I seek is the most pragmatic solution to the current situation, for which the ultimate problem must be addressed. The Man in Red is a larger looming threat, so whatever course we chart in this discussion, we must bear in mind the ultimate underlying issue. Unless you merely wish this scenario to repeat when he finds another patsy to send your way,” Tanya said, sounding like she was submitting a report on the number of pencils the accounting department had gone through in the past quarter rather than the revelation that a greater cosmic horror existed.

“That does change things,” Izuku muttered, thumbing his chin as he thought. “If the Lord of the Tomb is just a pawn…”

“I wouldn’t say a pawn. A more valuable piece,” Tanya said with a shrug, made somewhat difficult by the straightjacket. “But still, not the king. This will not be over simply because he is defeated.”

“And we should be talking about how we kick his boney ass, not worrying about this mysterious crimson fucker!” Bakugo snarled, snapping his fingers and letting off a bang. “How do we even do that?”

“I concur with my consort,” Iris said, steepling her fingers. “We need to take out the Lord of the Tomb. We cannot hope to win by playing defense. So, can you tell us how to do that or not?”

“I can inform you of the defenses of Nazarick, though I believe that there are many I was never made aware of for the sake of operational security,” Tanya stated matter of factly.

“The real question is, how do we even get there?” Mei said, looking up from her tinkering. “Izuku can kick anyone’s butt if he knows where they are, but no one even knows where this Tomb is!”

“We have the access spells,” Visha put in. “We can teleport there, along with anyone we want to take.”

“Oh, so we should just trust you to take us there so you can merc us? No thank you,” Kazuma said with a snort.

“That does sound suspiciously like an ambush,” Izuku said uncertainly, shaking his head. “Is there an alternative?”

“We could give you the coordinates and you could teleport there without us,” Tanya said.

“Why didn’t you say that in the first place!” Kazuma demanded.

“-and then you would set off every alarm in the place and trigger the automatic defenses, which would instantly obliterate you.”

Kazuma winced at that one. “Uh, on second thought, maybe not.”

“So we have only three choices then,” All Might said, and held up three fingers, ticking off the points. “One, we remain on a defensive posture and hope we can defeat the Tomb when it invades. Two, we trust Miss Degurechaff, and have her take us there to attack, or three, we attempt to teleport there alone and risk setting off the defenses.”

“Wars are not won through defense. Even if you had superior forces, you would be ground down eventually by a force that can pick their time and place. You do not: the Tomb controls dozens of worlds now, you only one,” Tanya said dismissively.

“She is…correct,” Iris ground out, looking like the words were giving her indigestion. “We have to strike at the Tomb if we have a hope of survival.”

Tanya nodded, as nonplussed as ever. “Then logically, all that remains is whether or not you believe you can trust my information.”

“That’s not something we should decide immediately. What exactly are we up against? We’ve seen what the minions of the Tomb can do, but does anyone know what the Lord of the Tomb and his most elite forces are capable of?” Izuku asked, looking around the table.

“I…am not certain what Ainz is capable of,” Visha said, looking at Tanya. “As far as I know, he has never taken the field himself.”

“He has not,” Tanya agreed. “It is believed he is far stronger than any of his minions, but as to what he is capable of… I cannot say. He is a lich, and is powerful. That is all I know.”

“We knew that already! That’s not helpful at all!” Mei said, wagging a finger at Tanya. “I need new data so I can build my wonderful babies to take him out!”

“What of his other forces?” Iris demanded. “We have gathered data on some of them, Shalltear, Albedo, Cocytus, the elf twins, and that bastard Demiurge. I assume he still lives?”

“You did not slay him, though you did wound,” Victoria confirmed. “Aura and Mare are here already. And Ainz would not send any other Floor Guardians here, save for Coctyus.”

“He’s the big bugman, right?” Kazuma asked, leaning back in his chair. “What’s his face fought him.”

“He fought Naofumi, yes, and was driven off that world, the first victory we’ve had against him in a long time,” Eris agreed. “He’s also the only other minion of Ainz that is unaccounted for that isn’t a demon or undead.”

“What will the Lord of the Tomb do, now that the Godslayer has been captured?” Nezu asked Tanya. “Will he withdraw? Reinforce?”

“He’ll send in Cocytus, along with massive numbers of troops,” Tanya stated. “From my world, as well as others he has captured. Eventually, you will be overrun, even as strong as this world’s defenders are.”

“Then we have to take the fight to him,” Izuku said, shaking his head in discomfort. He looked to Aqua. “Can we trust her?”

“Tanya’s not a bad person, she was just being lied to! She really does want to help us!” Aqua declared. Most everyone else gave her disbelieving looks, but Kazuma and Izuku exchanged looks.

“We’re going to have to trust someone I guess,” Kazuma sighed. “And if it’s going to be anyone…”

“I’ll trust Aqua,” Izuku agreed. Then he leaned forward. “So, what’s going to be the best way to attack? Tell us everything about the Tomb you can.”

Tanya nodded, and launched into her explanation as the others listened. Time was running out, but they couldn’t just run in blind.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

For nearly a century now, All For One had schemed and plotted, and more than once simply brutalized his way into power. During most of that time, his goal had been to rule over Japan, and perhaps one day, extend his influence further, throughout Southeast Asia. At times he had dreamed of conquering the world, but that had never been more than an idle thought, not an actual plan he thought he’d bring to fruition.

It seemed his ambitions had been far, far too small.

He looked about the grand hall he now found himself in, the tattered banners of a hundred worlds hung there. Some of those flags looked vaguely Japanese, or even of other nations he would have recognized from Earth. There were even statues, trophies of foes defeated or enslaved, some human, others obviously not.

At the end of the great hall was a stone throne, upon which sat a classical evil Overlord. All For One was impressed. He’d thought a throne like that would look tacky, and that the aesthetic was rather overdone. You’d have to really commit to pull something like that off, and this being clearly had. Though it did help to be a skeleton with glowing red eyes.

“Not bad,” Shiguraki commented from his side, looking around with an amused expression. “Looks like the guild hall of a high end raiding guild.”

“PVP, actually,” the Skeletal Overlord on his throne commented. “I’m impressed. Not very many people recognize Nazarick for what it is.”

“Oh?” Shiguraki grinned, his chapped lips cracking from the rictus expression, a bit of blood leaking onto his lips. “So, you’re actually hardcore, not just a care bear poser?”

“Watch your tongue, human, Lord Ainz is the most powerful being in existence!” the annoying little child with the incredible power said. This was the female one, dressed in a white suit. All For One was fairly certain he or Shiguraki could slay her if needed, but it would be a terrible battle.

Not that they could win in this place, but one didn’t make great gains without great gambles. And with his old Adversary restored to full strength, All For One could no longer afford to simply bide his time in the dark.

“It is fine, Aura. These two are here to swear fealty, are they not?” Ainz said, leaning back on his throne, appearing utterly relaxed. If he were anything like his minions, however, that should not be underestimated.

“I suppose I’d be willing to join your guild, if it means I get to destroy the heroes and their vaunted justice. Shit, why not just destroy the entire world!” Shiguraki cackled, spreading his arms wide.

“Now, now. What is there left to rule if we simply destroy the world?” All For One said, putting a hand on Shiguraki’s shoulder. He turned his face towards Ainz, giving him a grandfatherly smile. “After all, it seems our world is giving you a bit more trouble than usual.”

“The defeat of the Godslayer is problematic,” Ainz said, steepling his jewel-encrusted fingers together. “She is one of my oldest allies not of Nazarick, and one of my most powerful. She has conquered a hundred worlds, and yet, yours was able to defeat her.”

“Forgiveness, Lord Ainz,” Aura said, kneeling on the dark stone floor. “The magic in this world is like nothing we have ever seen before, and its inhabitants are far stronger than we anticipated. With the vile Goddess Aqua there as well…”

“I think I can offer you a replacement. I met Miss Degurechaff, and while she was impressive, I think I can offer you abilities she lacked,” All For One stated.

“You have claimed this before. Thus far, you have failed to even take the field. Why should I believe this is the case?” Ainz demanded, his gaze turning malevolently upon All For One.

“I am an old man, weak in body, but not in spirit. My Adversary has been restored to his prime by Aqua. So, I ask, why not restore me? What have you to lose?” All For One said, spreading his arms wide.

“Hmmm,” Ainz rubbed his chin, glancing at Aura.

“It’s up to you. I think this human is kind of worthless,” Aura said with a shrug.

All For One grinned. “Really? Perhaps you’d care to back that up in a bout? Not to the death, of course. More so  I can demonstrate my abilities.”

“Oh, Lord Ainz, please, please let me! I’ve been longing to teach these humans some humility!” Aura begged, clasping her hands together and giving the undead monster puppy dog eyes.

“If you’re a PVP guild, I’d like to see what your builds are, and skills. Is this some sort of video game world? Heh, it’s like one of those trashy light novels,” Shiguraki chuckled.

Spitting on the floor, Aura gave up her plea and glared at Shiguraki. “You sound like one of those innumerable ‘heroes’ the gods summoned. I’ve slaughtered hundreds of them!”

“Oh, but you see the difference is, I’M NO HERO!” Shiguraki cackled, his hands reaching out for Aura.

“Tomura,” All For One warned, and Shiguraki backed off, still sneering at Aura.

“A test of ability for you both…yes,” Ainz mused, tapping the golden staff he held on the floor. “Not against you, Aura. I have a better idea. Come.”

Strange energies wrapped around them, and a moment later, All For One found himself in the middle of a great arena, Shiguraki at his side. Nearly 100 meters away, Ainz stood atop a balcony that leaned out over the sands of the arena floor, Aura perched on the railing and grinning at them.

“If you can pass this test, then I will reward you by restoring your body,” Ainz said. “And, for the young one, perhaps a race change.”

“Seriously? I can be a badass race? I always wanted to be a demon vampire!” Shiguraki snickered, looking around. “Only normies play as vanilla humans when there’s better options.”

“Oh, let me summon one of my pets to deal with them, Lord Ainz!” Aura begged.

“No. We’ll start with something simple. Release the prisoners,” Ainz ordered.

There was another flash, and a ragged bunch of haggard men and women in drab robes, but wielding dangerous looking weapons appeared.

“If you defeat these two,” Ainz began, “I will-”

“JUST A BUNCH OF FOOLS!” Shiguraki cackled, and dashed forward. The impertinence of youth. With but a touch, he reduced those around him to dust, then turned to face Ainz. “You’ll have to do better than that! What’s with these pathetic low level mobs?!”

“Impressive. Those were humans, and fairly high level ones from various world’s we’ve conquered,” Ainz mused. “You did not hesitate to slay them.”

“They’re NPCs. Even worse than heroes. People who exist only to be destroyed!” Shiguraki ranted.

“Indeed. Well, perhaps something a little more challenging then,” Ainz said, and tapped his staff again. This time, a dozen heavily armored skeletal figures appeared, all bearing metal blades and shields. They turned towards All For One and Shiguraki, but this was pointless.

With a gesture, All For One pummeled them into the ground with but a finger each, crushing them to dust. “I said a bout. Whatever this is, you are tossing nothing but minions at us. Foes that even mediocre heroes from our world could defeat. Do not waste my time.”

“Very well,” Ainz said with a nod. “Then let us see what you are truly capable of. This time, do not slay the summoned humans. They are but an offering.”

All For One found himself teleported out of the arena to the seats below Ainz. A moment later, thousands of people filled the pit, all of them crying out and screaming piteously, clothed only in filth and rags. The sound was deafening, but a bright flash enveloped Ainz, and he lifted his hands, chanting something.

“Nice, that’s gotta be high level magic. Wonder what he’s gonna do?” Shiguraki mused, leaning back in the bleacher with a lazy expression on his face.

“He called them an offering,” All For One mused. “I wonder…”

After several seconds, a black wave ripped out from Ainz, and the people in the area collapsed, dead. “Witness now…my GREAT POWER!” Ainz declared, and Aura clapped excitedly, cheering.

All For One was not impressed: He could have easily replicated the effect, especially against what looked like hapless slaves. Several thousand people had to have died at a blow, but a high end Quirk could do much the same.

Then the black void appeared above the arena, darkness oozing out of it and consuming the fallen. The bodies were absorbed, dissolved into darkness. Black tentacles sprang up out of the ground easily 30 meters tall, writhing obscenely. From the tentacles, great black shapes with dozens of maws pulled themselves. For a moment, All For One was actually impressed.

Then one of them let out an extremely incongruous bleating sound, and Shiguraki laughed. “A summon spell? Takes a hefty sacrifice though. Not bad. I guess you really are an Evil Overlord.”

“Your task is to slay them. If you survive, I will grant your request,” Ainz promised.

“Well, maybe this won’t be totally boring,” Shiguraki chuckled, standing and padding up to the edge. “What do you think, Old Man? This one might be worth our time.”

“Interesting,” All For One mused. “Let’s see.”

He set out a single punch first, one strong enough to level a building, striking at the left monster. It let out a bleat and rocked back, but to All For One’s surprise, it didn’t immediately turn to dust. Instead, its tentacles flailed at him, actually searing even his reinforced flesh.

“How surprising. You’re more durable than you look,” All For One mused, and brought his second fist forward. This time there was more than bleating as he hit the beast, but it still did not die. To his shock, he was actually grabbed by the thing, his body whipped about as it tossed him across the bleachers, sending him through the stone and pulverizing it.

After that, he quit playing around. Whatever this was, it was more durable than it looked. That blow would have been enough to wound his Adversary at their prime, even the damnable All Might. This would not do.

“I liked this suit,” All For One said, standing up as the thing let go of him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Shiguraki contending against the beast as well. Whatever it sent against him he dissolved, but he was still getting knocked about by the force of it.

Still, the boy would have to sink or swim on his own now. He was powerful and skilled, but this was an opponent worthy of the name. He hammered at it with a series of blows, but the thing charged him, hooves making an altogether inappropriate “clop clop” sound like that of coconuts banging together. What nonsense was this?

Still, when it slammed into him, All For One actually felt it. True, he was able to negate all the kinetic force with his quirks easily, but he had to use his regenerative quirks even with all the reinforcement and toughening quirks he had stored. Some sort of exotic energy battered him, and he grunted in pain. Still, this was nothing compared to a hit from his Adversary.

“Crude,” All For One sneered, ramming the thing with both arms. “An artless attack that deserves a response in kind.”

This time, he did knock the creature back, and it was wounded. He glanced over at Shiguraki, and sighed. The boy was overwhelmed, and he was seemingly unable to harm these things. “Tomura! We must work together or we shall be at this all day.”

He slammed a fist into the creature battling his protege, rocking it back, then scooped up Tomura, whipping him up atop the creature.

“DIE YOU FILTH!” Shiguraki raged. “YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A WORTHLESS DUNGEON BOSS!”

He slapped both hands down on the creature, and it began to rapidly dissolve, bleating in pain. Its tentacles tried to grab Shiguraki, but All For One launched himself upwards, fending off the tentacles of the creature. The second beast tried to attack as well, but its companion was flailing about wildly in pain, knocking it back. What attacks did get through, All For One battered aside with contempt.

After more than a full minute, the first creature was reduced to naught but dripping shadows. It was a simple matter to repeat the process, slaying both creatures with minimum effort. Once they were done, the clattering of bones could be heard.

“Well done. A magnificent display,” Ainz declared, his finger bones clattering together. Seeing her master’s praise, Aura begrudgingly golf clapped, a sour expression on her face.

“Your desires shall be granted,” Ainz declared. “I have special rewards for you both.”

“An amusing diversion,” All For One said, sighing and stretching. He was getting old. “But if this is all the force you can bring to bear, perhaps we overestimated you as an ally.”

“This is but the least of Nazarik’s power! Watch your words, human, or Lord Ainz will stop your heart!” Aura snarled, clenching her fists as she glared down at them.

That made All For One chuckle. “Little girl, I left my humanity behind decades ago. And stop my heart? What kind of a fool do you think I am? If simply destroying one of my organs could kill me, I would have fallen in my first battle against my Adversary.”

“Enough, Aura, they have proven themselves.” Ainz waved a hand, and two objects appeared in the arena before Shiguraki and All For One. The first was a cube with glowing blue lines on it, the other a book that appeared to be bound in human skin, with a yawning face on it, and runes that glowed with a sickly green light.

“The Book of the Dead will give you vigor, while the Fallen Seed will turn the one who consumes it into a demon,” Ainz declared. “They are of no use to me personally, but they are rare and expensive items. I grant you them from my treasury.”

“Finally. Let’s see what this can do,” Shiguraki said, and reached out a hand, grasping the cube. All For One watched with clinical detachment. He was willing to sacrifice Shiguraki to gain knowledge, but if this failed, he would slay Ainz and that annoying child and claim their powers for himself.

“To open the Fallen Seed, one must have greatly negative karma,” Ainz commented. “I wonder, can you-”

The box instantly cracked open for Shiguraki, who was careful not to touch it with his fingertips. A black mist flowed out, enveloping him as he laughed maniacally. Such a boorish display, but he was young. A few moments later, the mist withdrew, revealing a transformed Tomura. Black wings sprouted from his back, and he had sprouted fangs and long claw-like nails.

“YES!” Shiguraki cackled. “THIS IS THE DESTRUCTION I HAVE LONGED FOR! I WILL PURGE ALL THE TRASH AND THEIR SO CALLED JUSTICE FROM THIS AND ALL WORLDS!”

“Huh. Guess he was a good fit,” Aura said, tilting her head to one side. “Well, I guess he’s tolerable now.”

“Tomura. Look at me,” All For One commanded, and Shiguraki turned towards him, teeth bared, his fangs clearly visible. All For One lifted up his chin, examining him. He probed the boy’s mind with the various psychic quirks he possessed and was surprised at what he found. Shiguraki was fundamentally altered. Something had been taken away, replaced with an all consuming void. He certainly was no longer human, but in exchange…power. A great deal of power flowed through him now.

“You have to try it, Old Man. It’s a whole new world,” Shiguraki hissed, licking his lips. “This time, we’ll crush them all.”

“Indeed,” All For One said, and reached out his hand, touching the book. The empty eye sockets glowed, and the book sprang open.

Within his soul, he felt a mournful howl and an abiding cold. He tried to jerk his hand back, but green light raced up his arm, deadening it, stripping away all feeling of sensation. He felt the pure vileness, the evil, and for just one moment, he knew regret.

Then, All For One, without ceremony, died.

But in Nazarick, death was a kindly fate. What happened next was far worse.

Author’s note

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.