Dark Legend of Potter, Chapter 57 (Patreon)

Thanks to the tireless efforts of Tonks, Megumin was thwarted from causing any Explosions on this particular train ride, even though she was absolutely certain that she saw Sirius Black no less than three times, all of which could only be responded to in only one fashion.

“LET ME WRECK VENGEANCE!” Megumin bellowed, straining towards the window from under where Ron was sitting on her as Hermione and Tonks pried Chunchumaru out of her hand.

“For the last bloody time, you can’t just go blowing up a flock of sheep just because you think one of them might be a Death Eater!” Tonks lectured as the Hogwarts Express sped away from the blissfully unaware ovines.

“Help me out, boy,” Megumin said to Blackie, who had wandered into the passenger car. “You understand what a Sirius threat this is!”

“Oh bloody hell, spit that out!” Ron cried, jumping off of Meguin. “Bad dog!”

In response, Blackie put the nearly comatose and slobbery Scabber’s into Ron’s hands, which meant Megumin could try to get free and cast an Explosion spell.

“Absolutely not,” Darkness said, collaring Megumin and throwing her back down onto the couch, where she took a turn sitting on Megumin. “Those sheep are too cute to explode. If you must take out your frustrations on anyone, feel free to use me as your punching bag.”

“By the way Megumin, you don’t wreck vengeance. You wreak it,” Hermonie informed Megumin as they finally got her wand away from her.

“Normal fools may wreak, but I will wreck anyone who dares defy me with the power of my glorious Explosion Magic!” Megumin said, slightly muffled by the fact that she was being sat on by a giant schoolgirl.

“Forget all that, this damn dog killed my poor Scabbers!” Ron complained, holding up the limp rat.

Instantly, everyone, even Megumin, forgot about the exploding sheep and crowded around Ron and Scabbers.

“Quick, give him mouth to mouth, Ron!” Megumin encouraged, earning incredulous looks from Tonks, Hermione, and Darkness. However, to their horror, Ron laid Scabbers down on the bench and attempted to do just that, putting his lips to Scabber's still slobber covered muzzle while Megumin used two fingers to begin chest compressions.

After just a few seconds, however, Scabbers was revived and bit Ron on the lip, which caused him to shout and jerk upright, the rat dangling from his face. Scabbers quickly let go, then tried to crawl inside Ron’s shirt.

“Ow! Gerrof!” Ron said, putting a hand to his blood lip and digging the slimy rodent out of his shirt. “What was that for?”

“Ron, you gave a rat mouth to mouth. What did you think was going to happen?” Tonks asked in exasperation.

“Well, at least Megumin helped me save his life. Fat lot of good you all were,” Ron said then turned to glare at Blackie. “And as for you! Don’t try to eat my rat!”

Blackie sneezed and sat down giving Ron a hurt look, his tail thumping on the ground.

“He wasn’t trying to kill your stupid rat, Ronald,” Hermione said, cupping the dog’s head in her hands and fondling his ears. “Blackie is a good boy, who just wanted to return your pet to you. Didn’t you, Blackie?”

The dog barked happily, his tail wagging as he jumped up and tried to lick Hermione’s face, who laughed and pushed the dog back down.

“Stop sulking, Ron,” Megumin said, passing him her handkerchief. “You have acquired a noble wound in the effort to save a friend.”

“Oh bloody fantastic,” Ron grumbled, pressing the cloth to his bloodied lip. “It’s going to scar.”

“Well, maybe you can find some girls who like scars,” Tonks said with a chuckle.

Ron glowered at Tonks while Hermione snorted and tried to hide her guffaws. “Do you like scars?”

“Almost as much as a hairy chest,” Tonks said with a wink, which caused Ron to blush and reflexively touch his chest, which was still near hairless. “But I’ve got to go. Can I trust you three to keep Megumin from trying to desolate the countryside now that I have her wand?”

“We can stop her from doing it but I don’t think anyone can keep her from trying,” Darkness admitted, even as she tried not to glance at Ron’s lip and blush.

“Point. Well, I’m off. Megumin, I will strangle you if you try to blow up another barnyard,” Tonks said, and headed out.

For his part, Blackie lay down on the floor, his eyes watching the teens as they all watched Megumin.

“Do girls really like scars?” Ron blurted, trying to get a look at his bloodied lip.

“No, that’s nonsense. Girls like well-spoken and intellectual men who challenge but respect them,” Hermione sniffed.

“I-I think a scar or two could be rugged and handsome,” Darkness stammered, blushing and looking down.

“I prefer a man with a dark and mysterious past, with one or two horrifying scars that he can reveal at the proper time to enhance his backstory!” Megumin declared.

Ron considered this, then made a loud raspberry sound, which he immediately regretted as it sprayed blood everywhere and hurt mightily. “I think you’re all just barmy.”

This earned him yet another session of No One is Speaking to Ron, which Ron, once again, completely failed to notice, but Blackie found hilarious.

Hours later, they finally arrived at Hogwarts without any sheep, goats, cows, birds, or even rocks suffering a grisly fate.

“Feels good to be back at the old castle, doesn’t it?” Ron said as they stepped off the train. Naturally, no one responded to him, as they were all Not Talking To Ron.

“I do hope that Professor Lupin isn’t a disappointment this year,” Hermonie said with a heavy sigh, which clearly was not responding to Ron.

“I hope that Sirius Black attempts to ambush us, and I can finally have my revenge!” Megumin cackled. She reached down, rubbing Blackie’s back. “You keep an eye out for him, eh boy?”

“BARK!” Blackie said, wagging his tail.

“I wonder what happened to Professor Binns,” Darkness said with a frown as they headed towards the carriages. “Aqua said she got the new position, but…”

“I’m just glad the old git is gone. Though I will miss nap time during his class,” Ron mused. “He-”

“I wasn’t a fan of Professor Mizu’s style,” Hermione said right over Ron, which he barely even noticed. “But honestly if there was one professor worse than her, it was him. How can you manage to make the history of magic so boring?”

“At least Aqua’s entertaining?” Darkness said, frowning slightly. “I did like her expeditions, like when we went to the forest or hunted frogs.”

“Practical lessons are the best! Perhaps Professor Lupin will continue the tradition,” Megumin said, rubbing her hands together eagerly.

“You just want to blow something else up,” Ron said, rolling his eyes as he scampered into a carriage. Despite this being manifestly and obviously true, the three girls picked another carriage to ride in, leaving a confused Ron all by himself until someone else joined him.

“Ah, Ronald Weasley! It seems fate has once more decreed our meeting! Prepare yourself, for I, Tom Roberts, have-”

“Oh, hello, Tom. How was your summer?” Ron asked, already wishing someone else, anyone else, had decided to ride with him.

“Really boring actually,” Tom said, making a face. “I had to stay with Professor Snape. Did you know he lives in a muggle village? He doesn’t have a telly or anything, and all his books are just potion manuals. Fortunately, there was a library nearby, so I had something to do.”

“That’s it? You just read books all summer?” Ron said, mentally shocked that Lord Voldemort had actually been a massive loser and nerd. Which honestly, shouldn’t have been that surprising.

“Well, I also did some potions with Professor Snape, but that was mostly boring. I did try to get him to teach me how to duel, but he told me you needed ‘self-control’ for that. I just wanted to learn some interesting spells instead of reading muggle comics all day,” Tom said with a heavy sigh.

“You didn’t play quidditch or anything?” Ron asked. “Maybe watch a few games?”

“I’d rather learn how to fly. Be brilliant if you had a spell that did that,” Tom said with a shake of his head.

“Sure, but a broom can go much faster,” Ron argued, and the two boys were off with a long and rambling argument about self-propelled flight VS brooms, and whether or not quidditch would be more interesting if you were allowed to murder your opponents mid-match like in the original Serbian Variation rules.

When they arrived at the castle, Ron went back over to the girls, with Tom heading over with the Slytherins. “Did you know Tom spent the whole summer in the library?” Ron said, which the girls all ignored. “Makes you forget he’s the reborn version of-”

“SHHHHH!” all three girls hissed, forgetting that they weren’t speaking to Ron at last.

“We’re not supposed to say that!” Hermione whispered fiercely.

“You could blow his cover!” Megumin said, clamping a hand over Ron’s mouth.

“You shouldn’t associate with him, Ron. He’s a Death Eater!” Darkness hissed.

“Lady Aqua said she forgave all of Thomas’ sins, and that he has been reincarnated into a new life! You should give him a chance.”

Everyone turned around to see Lavender beaming at them, Yunyun and Luna standing at the side.

“Lavender,” Hermione said, her tone completely exasperated. “What on Earth are you wearing?”

Unlike everyone else, who was dressed in their school robes, Lavender was dressed in a royal blue nun’s habit, with an oddly familiar blue square at the center of the bandeau.

“After seeing the many miracles of our beloved Lady Aqua, I have dedicated my life to spreading her word, and guiding lost souls to her light,” Lavender said piously, holding up her silver waterwheel pendant.

“And you’re just letting your minion do this?” Megumin demanded of Yunyun.

“L-Lavender isn’t my minion! She’s my friend!” Yunyun protested, shooting her minion an apologetic look.

“Aren’t you going to get in trouble for being out of uniform?” Darkness asked, sounding just as baffled as everyone else felt.

“She’s expressing her religious freedom,” Luna said seriously. “It would be oppression for them to deny Luna that right.”

“We have the right to religious freedom?” Ron asked, his forehead wrinkled in confusion.

“If we don’t, I’m standing up for our rights. And my friends in the USSR are standing with me. Power to the people!” Lavender declared, sticking a fist up in the air.

“Miss Brown, you are supposed to be in your school uniform. What on Earth are you wearing?” Professor McGonagall said, coming over to investigate the disturbance. She shot a quick glance at Megumin and her group but was astonished to find that for once, Megumin wasn’t responsible.

That’s because McGonagall hadn’t learned the most important lesson of all yet: Everything, and I mean everything, is really Aqua’s fault.

“I have been officially ordained as a Priestess of the Axis Cult!” Lavender said proudly, raising her chin up in the air. “As such, I-”

“Will be earning a detention for every minute you are out of uniform from this moment onward,” McGonagall said firmly.

“I fear not your blandishments! For I am a maiden of Lady Aqua, who shelters in her blessed light!”

“-and will have all your makeup and cosmetic potions confiscated,” McGonagall added.

Lavender hesitated, looking uncertain. “Uh, L-Lady Aqua would not abandon me, a-and I will not abandon her…”

“Don’t forget the wise words of Lady Aqua,” Luna said, taking Lavender’s hands into her. “If something is too hard, just give up! Always take the easy path, that way you’ll have no regrets!”

“...I’ll just go get changed,” Lavender said and slunk off towards the lavatory.

“Where is she getting that life advice?” Hermione asked no one in particular. “Out of a knock off fortune cookie?”

“I’m glad you asked!” Luna said, whirling about with a huge grin on her face and holding up several books in blue. “I present to you, the official Axis Cult handbook, full of wonderful sayings and proverbs by our Blessed Lady Aqua! You get one free with every yearly subscription to the Quibbler!”

“I-I already got mine,” Yunyun said, holding up her book.

“I got one too!” Tom added eagerly, holding up his own blue book and earning looks of utter shock and disbelief from the assembled Slytherins.

“You seriously wasted your money on THAT trash?” Kazuma demanded, clearly scandalized.

“It’s a load of nonsense, not to mention conspiracy theories and muggle lover propaganda,” Draco sneered.

“Every true member of the Soviet Yunyun is getting one,” Tom said proudly. “I was the first one after our Dear Leader got hers.”

“Are we sure he’s a Slytherin?” Ginny demanded of one of the prefects. “It’s not too late to give him over to the ‘Puffs, is it?”

“We already got one crazy, we don’t need another,” an older Hufflepuff girl said, then let out a squeal as Megumina attempted to tackle her. The only reason she didn’t succeed is Tom and Draco beat her to it.

“ENOUGH!” McGonagall snapped. “I cannot believe we are starting the year with detentions, and you have not yet been seated in the Great Hall! Prefects! Deal with your miscreants.”

Before the Slytherin prefects could move in, Ginny Weasley stepped forward and grabbed Draco by the ear, hauling him off of the groaning Hufflepuff girl. “Are you an idiot!? You don’t just go tackling people! What kind of Slytherin are you!?”

As Draco stammered his protests that he had “tripped”, Tom was frog-marched off by a Sytherin Prefect, and Percy Weasley came over and hauled Megumin up by her collar.

“Say what you will, tyrant!” Megumin spat. “But I will never apologize!”

“Good job,” Percy said, and set Megumin back on her feet, dusting her off. “Next time though, have Ron do it for you. You’re too small to properly tackle someone.”

Megumin blinked a few times, then turned to Ron. “Did I hit my head harder than I thought?”

“You were defending your sister. And you didn’t actually try to blow us all up. I’m going to count this as a victory,” Percy told her.

After that, it was time for all the older students to take their seats, and after that, for the Sorting to begin. No one particularly important was Sorted, nor were there any noteworthy Sortings, so that went by quickly enough. The interesting part came with the introduction of the new professors.

“First, our staffing changes for the year,” Dumbledore said, motioning to the High Table. “Professor Mizu has graciously agreed to teach History of Magic, as Professor Binns has finally passed on.”

This pronouncement was met with loud cheers and more than a few “WE LOVE YOU LADY AQUAs”, mostly from Luna and Lavender. Binns was most assuredly the least popular professor for how boring she was, and one thing no one had ever accused Aqua of was being boring.

“Our newest Defense Against the Dark Arts professor is mister Remus Lupin,” Dumbledore said, and Lupin himself bowed to the assembled.

“I bet he’s a werewolf,” Megumin commented as polite applause filled the room.

“What? Why?” Ron asked, frowning at Remus suspiciously. “He seemed nice enough at your birthday party.”

Hermione let out a heavy sigh. “Is it because his name is Wolf McWolf?”

“Yes,” Megumin said, nodding. “Obviously, he’s related to wolves somehow. Being a werewolf is the most logical explanation.”

“Megumin, that’s very impolite. Calling someone a werewolf is a serious accusation,” Darkness hissed. “He just has a name like that! You don’t think Hermione is a farmer because her name is Granger, do you?”

Megumin shrugged, as to her, being a werewolf just meant you had an especially dark and tragic backstory, which was only

“Additionally, Professor Kettleburn has retired to spend time with his remaining fingers. To replace him, we have Professor Sylvia Slytherin to teach care of Magical Creatures,” Dumbledore added.

This got applause nearly as loud as Aqua’s as the male half of the student population cheered excitedly, having got a good look at Professor Sylvia, and even more so when she flashed a smile at them. Some of them might have noticed that she licked her lips in a rather predatory fashion, but then again they were teenage boys so they wouldn’t have recognized red flags if they’d been smacked in the face with them.

For her part, Yunyun made a mental note that it was against school rules to eat the students.

“And last but certainly not least, we have Officer Nymphadora Tonks as our new School Safety Officer, to guard against potential incursions.

Looking up from where she’d been feeding Sirius Black table scraps, Tonks nodded and waved. “That’s right, kiddies, you don’t need to worry about any escaped Death Eaters while I’m on the job!”

After that, the feast began, with  Megumin doing her level best to gorge herself to death and Ron manfully attempting to outdo her.

“I was very disappointed to learn you can only take up to two electives,” Hermione said as she served herself a far more reasonable portion of food. “It was very hard, but I managed to narrow it down to Arithmancy and Ancient Runes.”

“I too am taking Ancient Runes, as well as Divination!” Megumin said around a mouthful of food. “Clearly, those are the two best subjects for a protagonist like me!”

“I’m taking Divination with you, but I have Care of Magical Creatures with Darkness,” Ron said, earning him glares from his female companions. “What?! I thought it would be with Old Kettleburn! Don’t forget, I know what Sylvia actually looks like!”

“Send us pictures old bean,” Fred said, which earned him a smack upside the back of his head from Angelina.

“Was she naked when you rescued her from the Chamber?” George asked, which earned him a pinch from Katie Bell.

“Yeah, but Megumin made sure I didn’t see it. Sort of glad, honestly,” Ron lied, which earned him a great deal of clemency from his female companions.

“I can’t believe you’re taking Divination. That was the easiest elective for me to cross off my list,” Hermione told Ron.

“Yeah, but it seems like an Easy O. I just copy down whatever nonsense Megumin spits out and old Trelawny is sure to give me top marks,” Ron said with a shrug.

Megumin nodded smugly. “Of course! My powers of precognition are well known!”

“I hardly think that will work,” Hermione sniffed, which earned her a laugh from several older Gryffindors.

“Are you kidding?” Fred told her. “Georgie and I have been turning in whatever we hear Megumin make dire pronouncements about since she was a firstie and we’ve got excellent marks.”

“‘My Burning Crimson eye has forseen a mighty doom! Whosoever taketh the first shower will be visited by a calamity most unfortunate, and suffer from horrible acne!’” George quoted, putting one hand over his eye and twisting his body dramatically.

“That’s only true if you let Megumin go first, she takes all the hot water,” Lavender said, shooting Megumin a dirty look.

“What other class do you have, Darkness?” Ron asked.

“Muggle Studies,” Darkness admitted. “I know my upbringing has been rather sheltered, and I wish to learn more of their society. If Megumin’s aunt and uncle are any indication, Muggles are a most fascinating culture.”

“They used to be incredibly boring. It took years of effort for me to train them properly,” Megumin said with a heavy sigh.

After that, it was back to their old dorms, where Megumin, Darkness, Hermione, Padma, and Lavender caught up and gossiped, staying up far too late as young teens are wont to do. The next day classes began, and unfortunately for the rest of the world, the Gryffindors had Divination first thing.

After clambering all the way up the North Tower, Megumin should have been winded, but upon exiting the trap door at the center of the classroom, she instead put a hand to her forehead. “Halt, Ronald! I sense a dark and mysterious presence here!”

“No, Darkness has care of magical creatures, it’s just us,” Ron told her.

“I speak not of our overly tall companion, but of an ill foreboding that hangs over this room!” Megumin proclaimed, jumping up atop a stool as her red eyes glowed in the dim light of the classroom.

“Long have I foreseen this day,” an ethereal voice whispered, drifting through a curtain of beads. “A shadow has fallen over my classroom…”

The rest of the students all turned to look at the curtains, but Megumin was not to be outdone. “There, Ronald! Do you not hear?! The footsteps of doom approach!”

“Fate may have foretold this hour, but I could do not to prevent it,” the voice whispered. “The only thing that yet remains to be seen, is which way the stars will align…”

“I have seen it! Today is the day that fate hinges up! If we do not act quickly, the world shall be reduced to fire and- Ron, where did you get that popcorn?” Megumin demanded.

“Hmm?” Ron said, passing the bucket to Lavender, who shoveled a large handful in her mouth, her eyes glued to Megumin. “Oh, don’t mind us. Do go on.”

“Yes! I have foreseen it! The greatest of my pupils has arrived!” the curtain was flung back in a rattle of beads, and a woman in a patchwork of colorful shawls and petticoats stepped forward, her great spectacles distorting her eyes to make them seem as large as cups, while her head went to her forehead as if she would swoon. “But shall this day lead to doom, or shall I be able to direct her gifts towards a brighter future!”

“BEHOLD! The Prophetess of the North Star, she who must guide us upon our journey into the misty depths of the future!” Megumin declaimed, jumping off her stool to fall on her knees before Professor Trelawny. “OH MISTRESS, MY INNER EYE BURNS! TEACH ME TO MASTER IT, LEST I BLIND MYSELF WITH VISIONS OF HORROR BEYOND MORTAL KEN!”

Reaching out a trembling hand, Trelawney traced Megumin’s lightning bolt scar with her thumb. “Yes…great power is locked within…I know the power of the Inner Eye. We must tame yours, Megumin, for you are a CHILD OF DESTINY!”

“But professor, what about us?!” Lavender asked, wiping a bit of popcorn from her lips. “I come to seek knowledge in the name of the Axis Cult, that evil might be averted!”

“I fear, my child, that most of my energies must be diverted to steer the mightiestmightest vessel, for none have cast such a shadow upon the future as the Girl Who Lived,” Trelawny intoned.

“Yeah, through sheer dumb luck. At least now we know how Voldemort bought it, Megumin blew him up!” Kazuma said, earning sniggers from several students.

Slowly, Megumin turned to Kazuma, drawing herself up and taking a red shawl from Trelawney to wrap about herself. She began to walk around him, her nose up in the air. “I see we have an unbeliever among us. Know this, Kazuma Crabbe. I, Megumin Potter, Foremost Seeress of the Crimson Demon Clan, have SEEN YOUR FUTURE! A great darkness awaits you, and if you do not watch your tread, you will fall into the embrace of your house’s foes!”

“Well, maybe I should steer clear of you then, because it seems to me you’re the one who keeps running into ancient evils, that you keep waking up I might add!” Kazuma snapped.

“Such is the fate of those chosen by Destiny!” Trelawney cried, throwing her hands up in the air at the same time as Megumin did.

“WOE!” both of them intoned.

“I have foreseen it! There is one among us who will not be with us come the end of the year! A traitor in our midst, and a great evil!” Trelawney wailed.

“WOE!” she and Megumin cried.

At the same time, Ron was trying to feed Scabbers some of the popcorn, having brought his rat with him in his robes, as he was convinced Blackie would eat the rat if he was left unattended. Which showed that Ron did perhaps have more of the seer’s gift than he thought. However, Chomusuke picked that moment to pop out of the top of Megumin’s robe and let out a “NYA~!” to punctuate her mistress’ theatrics.

Hearing the cry of the cat, Scabbers went into a fit and tried to crawl back down Ron’s robe, which caused him to swear and tip over the bucket of half eaten popcorn.

“What is this?! Snacks, in my classroom!?” Trewlawny pointed a long boney finger at Ron. “DOOM IS UPON YOU, YOUNG MAN!”

“I brought enough to share, Ron said, pulling out a second bucket. “And I dunno about you, but my inner eye only works when I’m full. Megumin’s the same way.”

“YES! Calling upon my inner eye consumes a great deal of energy! Ronald, as my boon companion, is tasked with ensuring my soul does not weaken from famishment!” Megumin decreed.

Lavender waved her wand, putting the popcorn back in the bucket and yanking it away form Ron. “As blessed Lady Aqua always says, ‘Don’t try to think when you’re hungry, you’ll just hurt yourself! Make sure you have a full stomach, and then put on your thinking cap!’”

“I do not think Professor Mizu is blessed with the Inner Eye,” Trelawney sniffed, snatching the bucket of popcorn. She sniffed it, then brightened. “Say, is there butter in this?” When Ron nodded, she shoveled a handful into her mouth. “Hmm. Very well! NOW! Normally, I start with the simpler practices, but I have foreseen this is an advanced class! We begin instead with the crystal balls…”

Megumin eagerly grabbed her ball, while Ron just took out a pen. When Trelawney frowned at him, Ron explained, “My inner oracle isn’t so hot, but as  Megumin’s boon companion, it’s my duty to write down her every prophecy so that the world will not be deprived of her deep knowledge.”

“Ah, it is well you recognize your own gifts, Mr. Weasley! Such a wise and humble beginning! Five points to Gryffindor!”

“You just want to skive off,” Kazuma hissed at Ron as he and Dust dug out their own balls.

“And you’re just jealous I thought of it first,” Ron whispered back, sticking out his tongue.

“Quite! I see something within the murky depths!” Megumin proclaimed, leaning back. Her eyes rolled up in her head, and a different voice came from her lips.

“Hi Onee-chan! Don’t worry, I have big plans! I’ll come see you real soon!”

“Huh,” Ron said, scratching his head, then shrugging. He wrote down the words anyway as Megumin’s head lolled to the side, her eyes vacant. “That’s odd.”

“Hmm, perhaps this is too advanced for you yet,” Trelawney said, frowning at Megumin.

“What…what’d I say?” Megumin asked groggily.

“Something about an Only chant? I dunno, but I wrote it down exactly,” Ron said, showing Megumin what he’d written.

“What!? That is a terrible prophecy!?” Megumin ripped the parchment up, then set her hands on the crystal ball. “Yes…yes, my inner eye speaks to me! I sense…I sense a dark and terrible power! The whole Earth quakes! The Queen of Darkness approaches this world, with legions of demons! Yes…yes… a most terrible fate awaits us all!”

“Ah, better!” Trewlawney said, brightening considerably despite the fact that Megumin was repeating herself. “Continue, Mr. Weasley. Attend to this Seeress’ ever word!”

Ron grunted the affirmative, secure in the knowledge that Megumin was his ticket to an easy O for the next four years.

Later, he’d wish he’d actually been paying attention when things really started to get weird.