What if the Emperor Met a Bunch of Anime Goddesses? Chapter 26 (Patreon)

SO I PILE IN MY LIBERATORS AND-

“HOLD ON, THAT ONE’S STILL OUT OF RANGE, YOU CAN’T JUST PILE THEM ALL IN!” Khorne snarled, pointing at the group of figurines. They were still deep in the void, with the Blood God still in his black and red flannel shirt and spectacles. The Empress was, of course, still in her gleaming golden armor, but the table of minis arrayed before them would have been the dream of any hobby store. Not merely resin, but with carefully placed hobby clay and tiny sculpted plants and terrain features.

“CAN SOMEONE PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW?” Angron asked, his voice as loud and angry as always, but with a hint of remorse and exhaustion now.

Khorne adjusted his glasses and glared down at Angron. “WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT? WE JUST STARTED! THIS IS THE FIRST TURN!”

“HOW MANY TURNS ARE THERE AGAIN?” Angron snarled though it did come out as a bit of a sigh.

THERE ARE FIVE BATTLE ROUNDS, AND I WON THE ROLL OFF, SO I GO FIRST, AS IS MY RIGHT, the Empress declared, getting out her tape measure and carefully calculating just how far she had to go.

“THAT MEANS I CAN GET A DOUBLE TURN THOUGH, AND COMPLETELY WIPE YOU OFF THE BOARD,” Khorne chuckled, rubbing his molten hands together eagerly.

NO, THEY CHANGED THE RULES IN THE LAST EDITION: BATTLE ROUND ORDER IS FIXED NOW.

“WHAT?! LET ME SEE THAT RULE BOOK, WHEN DID THAT CHANGE!?” Khorne demanded, grabbing the book from the Empress’ hands and paging through it. He came to the appropriate page, his lips moving as he read. Then he snarled in anger, ripping the book to shreds and tossing it down. “THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT! THERE GOES MY CAREFULLY CONCOCTED STRATEGY!”

IF YOU HADN’T SPENT SO LONG ARGUING OVER DEPLOYMENT, MAYBE WE WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO PLAY BY THE OLD RULES, the Empress said with a sneer. She picked up a case of solid gold dice, rattling them in her armored hands. NOW GET READY TO PICK UP SOME OF YOUR TACKY LITTLE STRIPPERS.

“HAR HAR. FINE. BUT JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL IT’S MY TURN. THIS IS GOING TO BE A SLAUGHTER,” Khorne declared.

With a groan, Angron was forced to watch as the incredibly convoluted battle for his soul continued, with the rattling of dice and the movement of carefully painted miniature warriors.

“This isn’t right,” Corvax groaned, scrubbing his hand through his greasy black hair. “I graduated top of my class in the Lycaeus SEALs.  I’ve been involved in numerous raids against xenos, and I have over 300 confirmed kills!”

“Oi, oi gots more den dat, and oi’ve been trained in gorilla warfare too!” Gortutz said cheerily as their squad stealthily made their way along. Or well, stealthily for orks. The insistent rustling of the incongruous bushes they were ‘hiding’ in as the team of Kommandoz dragged their disguises with them, along with the clanging of the metal garbage cans they were carrying was loud enough to alert a squad of deaf ogryns.

“Don’t you mean guerrilla warfare?” Corax sneered.

“Nah, oi was trained by dem big ‘airy ‘umies wot likes bananas, not dem sneaky gits wot runs away from foits,” Gorgutz said with a shrug.

“Of course you were,” Corvax sighed. He peeked out from under the ‘shrug’ he was hiding under, which was mostly just several branches he was supposed to hold over his head as they hurried along through the craters and blasted out trenches of the battlefield. He suddenly stopped, which led to Gorgutz slamming face first into his back. “Wait, gorillas have been extinct on Terra for millenia! How did you-”

“Yer doin’ dat fing again,” Gorgutz growled, scrubbing her nose where she’d rammed it into Corvax’s armor

“What thing?” Corvax demanded. “The thing where I use my brain!?”

“Dat fing where ya talk too much instead o’ just doin’ da job. Now are wez gonna krump Thrakka or not?” Gorgutz huffed, folding her arms under her admittedly impressive pair of knockers and glaring up at Corvax.

“Oh for the love of- YES! I just…did you REALLY have to paint my armor purple?!” Corvax hissed, gesturing to the paint that had been crudely splattered all over his previously pristine black armor.

“Oi told ya, it’s sneaky loik,” Gorgutz said smugly. “Has any o’ dem boyz seen ya?”

“Well, no, but I think that’s more due to the giant floating Homura in the sky and Yunyun and her band of maniacs blowing everyone up,” Corvax grumbled. “Come on. I don’t know why I put up with you anyway…”

“Cause ya loik my tig ole bitties!” Gorgutz said with a leer.

“Tig ole…? Wait, you don’t mean…” Corvax went green at the very thought, even as Gorgutz batted her long dark lashes at him.

“Dat’s a good color on ya, Beakie. Now come on, we’z got a grot ta krump!” Gorgutz said with an actual titter, which was deeply disturbing on several levels.

They snuck past several groups of orks, but then one large group, lead by a warboss with a standard adorned with several helmets of astartes on the standard that made rage churn in Corvax’s gut, made straight for them on their own way to a battle.

“Damnation, we’ll have to fight them and blow our cover, and we’re not even close to Ghazghkull yet,” Corvax growled, readying his lightning claws.

“Nah, they’z stupid gits. They’z won’t be seein’ through our cover. Made it myself. ROIT BOYZ!” Gorgutz bellowed so loudly that Corvax was certain she’d alerted the enemy. “MAKE LOIK A TREE!”

“Leaf? You want us to run?” Corvax demanded incredulously.

Gorgutz reached up and dragged Corvax down, shoving a twisted branch with a few pathetic leaves on it down the back of his armor. “Oi thought ya was a smart one! No, ya git! Trees can’t run, are ya stupid? Trees plant themselves and don’t move or talk, so shut it!”

Despite himself, Corvax froze, with one arm holding out a bunch of leaves, the other hiding his face behind a pathetically thin bit of wood that he could easily see around. The enemy band charged forward, until an ork at the front said, “Oi, ders a little forest ‘ere! We’z gotta go around it!”

“Dat ain’t a forest, ya grot!” the warboss bellowed. “Dat’s a copse dat is.”

“Oi don’t see no dead bodies in der boss,” one of the orks said, rubbing the back of his head in confusion.

The warboss backhanded the ork so hard he went skidding across the muddy ground. “No, ya git! A deader’s a corpse! A copse is a small stand a trees.”

“Wot, ya mean like a grove, boss?” another ork asked.

That earned him a backhand as well. “Wot, is you a thesaurus?”

“Uh, no boss, oi just-”

“Besides, dat ain’t a grove. A grove is a part o’ a bigger group a trees. Dat der’s a copse: a small, thick cluster o’ trees dat ain’t attached to a forest,” the warboss said knowingly, stepping up to the “shrug” that was just Gorgutz squatting down with leaves in her hair and two small branches held in her hands. “A grove ain’t got shrubbery neither, ya see? An dis here ain’t a tree.”

“But it’s got leaves and wood, boss. Ain’t that makin’ it a tree?” the first boy asked, picking himself up out of the muck.

“YA STUPID GIT! Didn’t dey teach ya nothin’ when you was a grot?”

“Oi got some learnin’. Ate a humie book once. Tasted nasty though,” the ork mused.

“WELL LISTEN UP! Da difference tween a shrug an a tree is dead simple,” the warboss said, pacing back and forth as his group of boyz stopped their march and listened to him.

Corvax couldn’t believe it. Was this ork actually giving a lecture on botany of all things? Since when did ORKS know anything about botany?

“Shrubs is reachin’ maturity at between ‘alf a foot ‘n ten feet high. An dey gots multiple stems, see? A tree when it’s grown is 10 feet high, and dey gots one big trunk in da middle, see?” for emphasis, the boss thumped Corvax’s breastplate, which made a hollow clanking sound.

“Ooooh,” the orks assembled said, all nodding.

“‘Ow come you know so much about trees, boss?” one of the nobs asked, stretching at his head in confusion.

“‘Cause trees is green! And wot’s bigger den a tree, eh?”

That was a deep thought that all the orks had to pause and ponder for several moments.

“...a gargant?” a mekboy said, raising one hand.

“YA STUPID GIT! Oi’s talkin’ about livin’ things, as any grot kin see! A Gargant ain’t alive, it’s a machine!” the warboss snarled.

“A squiggoth?” another boy ventured.

“No dat’s a point,” the warboss admitted. “But oi’ve seen a tree dat was bigger ‘n any squiggoth. Fell down and krumped one, actually. So ever since den, oi’ve known dat trees is da biggest and da strongest, and da greenest! So iffin ya wanna be proppa orky, ya gotta know your trees, ya see?”

“Hmmmmm,” all the boyz agreed, nodding.

Corvax couldn’t suppress a groan.

“Wot kinda tree is dat one, boss?” a nob asked, pointing at Corvax.

The warboss glanced at him. “Wot, are ya daft? Dat’s a raventree. NOW GET A MOVE ON YA GROTS!”

The mob moved on to Corvax’s utter astonishment, streaming around the squad of commandos that was pretending to be a copse and whooping as they headed towards a fight.

However, one ork boy lingered, waving his mates on. “You lads keep on, oi gots ta water da trees, heh heh.”

As the last of the orks streamed by, the ork began to unzip with a sigh, pointing himself towards Corvax.

“Nope,” he said, using a branch to stab the ork through the throat. “I don’t think so.”

The ork let out several gurgling noises, clutching at his throat as he sank to his knees. “Trees…is…da stompiest…”

Then he fell over, dead.

“Damn, dat warboss was right,” Gorgutz mused. “Trees are dead killy.”

“Let’s just get this over with,” Corvax said with a sigh, and turned to head in the direction he knew Ghazghkull was in.

SO MY KNIGHT-INCANTOR CASTS SPIRIT STORM, WHICH HAS A CASTING VALUE OF SEVEN.

“MAGIC IS BULLSHIT AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD FOR USING IT! REAL MEN DON’T NEED THAT PUSSY MAGIC SHIT!” Khorne snarled, even as the Empress’ dice clattered on the table, revealing an eight.

LOOKS LIKE THAT PUSSY MAGIC SHIT IS GOING TO MAKE IT SO YOUR CHARGE RANGE IS REDUCED BY 1” IN THE NEXT PHASE, the Empress said smugly.

“I AM GOING TO MURDER THAT PRISSY STAFF WIELDING BITCH!” Khorne snarled.

“WHO’S WINNING?” Angron asked tiredly, still laying on the ground.

“I AM!” Khorn snarled, pointing at the table. “I’VE MADE THE EX-CORPSE PICK UP MORE POINTS AND MODELS THAN I HAVE.”

The table itself was silent, but across the carefully sculpted and placed terrain, it was indisputable that the Daughters of Khaine were annihilating the golden forces of the Empress. Khorn’s forces had taken losses as well, but the dice for him had been fairly hot, and he was far from a stupid player. Aggressive and hungry for the kill, yes, but it was paying dividends as far as removing the Empress’ Stormcast legion.

I HAVE LOST A CONSIDERABLE NUMBER OF MY FORCES, the Empress conceded, though she didn’t sound worried in the slightest.

“SUPER. CAN YOU HURRY IT UP ALREADY?” Angron demanded.

“OH SIMMER DOWN PUP, LET US OLD FARTS HAVE OUR FUN WHILE WE BATTLE IT OUT FOR YOUR SOUL,” Khorne chuckled, rattling some dice as he grinned down at the table.

The Empress, however, turned to Angron, her expression stern. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO FREE YOUR SOUL, MY SON.

“WHY DO YOU CARE? YOU NEVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME BEFORE,” Angron demanded.

I ALWAYS GAVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. EVEN WHEN YOU WERE A LITTLE SHIT.

“IF THAT WERE TRUE, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT EVERYONE I KNEW AND CARED ABOUT TO DIE ON NUCERIA!”

The Empress was quiet as Khorne gleefully did some measurements, muttering to himself. “DAMN, THAT -1 TO CHARGE SUCKS. HMM, I SUPPOSE I CAN CHANGE THE ANGLE OF MY ATTACK HERE…YEAH, YEAH, THAT’LL STILL WORK, AND I’LL GET THAT DAMN MAGE.”

WHILE I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED MY SONS, THERE WAS A HIGHER PURPOSE. YOU KNOW THAT. I DIDN’T WANT YOU TO ALWAYS BE STUCK IN THOSE SLAVE PITS, ANGRON. I WANTED YOU TO INHERIT THE STARS, NOT A FORGOTTEN BALL OF MUD.

“I DIDN’T WANT THE STARS! I WANTED MY FRIENDS! MAYBE IF I’D HAD THEM, I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD THE BURNING DESIRE TO MURDER YOU AND DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU STOOD FOR ALL THE TIME. EVEN WITH THESE NAILS OUT, I STILL WANT THAT, MORE THAN ANYTHING!”

PERHAPS. MISTAKES WERE MADE. ESPECIALLY ON THE PARENTING FRONT. I GUESS IT WAS A MISTAKE TO THINK MY CHILDREN WOULD ACT LIKE ADULTS.

“OH FUCK YOU. THERE YOU GO AGAIN, BLAMING YOUR FAILURES ON US INSTEAD OF TAKING RESPONSIBILITY! THAT’S WHAT AN ADULT WOULD DO, ‘FATHER’.”

NO. YOU’RE RIGHT. I SHOULDN’T HAVE EXPECTED YOU TO BE WHAT YOU WERE NOT. YOU WERE IN PAIN, AND HURTING, AND I IGNORED IT. I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU TIME TO GRIEVE, OR BETTER YET, LET YOU KEEP YOUR FRIENDS. I’M STARTING TO REALIZE THOSE CAN BE A BIT IMPORTANT FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH.

“YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS IMPORTANT FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH? NOT HAVING ALL YOUR GUYS KILLED SO THEIR SKULLS CAN DECORATE MY-”

WE GET IT. YOU HAVE A SKULL THRONE. IT’S TACKY.

“SAYS THE ONE WITH THE GOLDEN THRONE.”

AT LEAST MINE IS THE RIGHT COLOR FOR A RULER.

“AND IT HAS SKULLS ON IT, DOESN’T IT? YOU’RE JUST JEALOUS I HAVE MORE. NOW QUIT TALKING AND GET OVER HERE, I’M ABOUT TO DELETE YOUR MAGE.”

Pausing, the Empress looked back at Angron, then knelt down beside him. “I’m sorry. If I could do it all over again, I’d be the father, or, well, mother, you needed. I was wrong.”

“TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE. FUCK OFF. EVEN IF YOU WIN THIS GAME, I’M GIVING MY SOUL BACK TO HIM. RIGHT AFTER I TRY TO KILL YOU AGAIN,” Angron said, then hocked a loogie towards the Empress’ eye. His angle was wrong, so it fell on her golden armor instead.

Reaching down, she touched it, then examined her fingers. She sighed, then pressed them to her cheek.

“WHAT THE FUCK.”

PERHAPS IT’S THE CLOSEST I’LL GET TO TOUCHING YOU AGAIN. I’M SORRY, MY SON.

“YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE SORRIER! GET UP HERE OR I’M GOING TO START PICKING UP YOUR PIECES MYSELF. IT’S A FORMALITY ANYWAY, I’M WINNING THIS FIGHT!”

With a sigh, the Empress stood and turned back to the board, continuing the game for Angron’s soul, even as he glared daggers at the back of her head.

Over the past few weeks, Corvax had seen more than his fair share of big, smelly orks. He was with a group of them right now, in fact, with Gorgutz being on the list despite having shrunk several sizes with her recent changes. The previous title of “biggest and smelliest” had unfortunately gone to his brother Vulcan, who was now amongst the largest of the creatures Corvax had ever seen. He wasn’t entirely sure that “ork size” directly correlated to “ork smell” but he had yet to meet a single one that didn’t support the theory.

Which was why the extremely pungent odor emanating from the enormous gargant that was trundling its way across the battlefield in a plume of acrid smoke and cacophonous noise made Corvax pretty sure it was where Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka, the great prophet of the WAAAAAGH was.

That, and the enormous loudspeaker blaring the great Warboss’ voice from it.

THE NEXT ONE O’ YA GITS THAT SAYS ANYFING ABOUT BEIN’ FRIENDS WIT DA HUMIES GETS A KRUMPIN’!

*PSSSST PSSSST PSSST*

OI, WOT’S DAT? O COURSE OL’ BALE EYE IS AN EXCEPTION. BEST DAMN FOITS O’ ME LOIF WAS WIT HIM! ‘ES ME BEST MATE!

“Unbelievable,” Corvax muttered, shaking his head. He turned to his purple and supposedly crack troops and pointed. “Right. That’s where Ghazghkull is. Our job is to get up there and kill him. Once that’s done, the power of his WAAAAGH will be broken, and Homura will become the new ork god or something. I don’t know, the point is, that loudspeaker is giving me a headache and I can’t think straight with it on, so we’re going to shut it off.”

“You heard ‘im, boyz and gurlz! We’z gonna ‘ave the best scrap o’ our loives, and tear down dat there talky box, and put up our own!” Gorgutz bellowed.

“What?! No, I said no such-”

“WAAAAAAGGHHH!” the kommandos bellowed, and activated their various rocket packs, jetting gleefully onto the gargant. For a moment, Corvax thought they’d simply be swatted out of the sky by the orks already onboard the great machine, but a bunch of orks firing their weapons while jumping towards the gargant wasn’t exactly something perceived as hostile. Oh, the other orks certainly did fire back, but it was more of an enthusiastic greeting than an actual attempt to stop the boarding action.

“D’awww, da kids is havin’ fun,” Gorgutz said happily, having remained at Corvax’s side. She was squinting and watching as a fight broke out as their party boarded. Actually, Corvax had to do a double take. There was fighting all over the gargant, apparently over who got to be near the best weapons or the loudest engine parts. There was slightly more intense fighting where the kommandos had boarded, but it was pretty hard to tell them apart from, well, all of the other orks, save for the fact that there were gurlz in their party.

“I guess it’s up to me then,” Corvax growled, charging up his own pack.

“Nah, us! Dis is our first date,” Gorgutz said happily.

Corvax’s head whipped around. “Wait, wha-”

“WAAAAAGH!” Gorgutz bellowed, and grabbed ahold of the now screaming Corvax as she lept atop the gargant.

A few stray shots pinged off of Corvax’s armor, but the orks seemed mostly focused on getting closer to Homura and her mixed WAAAAAGH of Imperial troops and orks. He looked down, and his resolve steeled. There, on top of the head of the Gargant was indeed the largest ork he’d ever seen, a match in size for one of the Beast’s own. Ghazghkull was ranting into his loudspeaker, not even paying attention.

“AN’ ANOTHER FING: IF OLE BALE EYE WAS HERE, DERE WOULDN’T BE ANY O’ DIS NONSENSE ABOUT GURLZ. WE’D HAVE A ROIT AN PROPPA WAAAAGH WITH DA BOYZ, AND NO MISTAKE!”

With a roar, Corvax activated the Raven’s Talons and plunged, aiming right for the skull of Mag Thrakka and hoping to end the fight in one stroke. Just as he was about to rip the ork’s head from his body, some battle sense warned Ghazghkull, and he jerked back, roaring in rage and swinging his great claw up to ring against Corvax’s talons.

“OI, WOTS DIS DEN? A BEAKIE, FINKS ‘E CAN-”

Witty repartee had never really been one of Corvax’s strengths, so instead of answering, he let himself become one with the shadows, slipping into the darkness cast by the looming clouds and the big WAAAAGH banner.

“-WOT? WHERE’D ‘E GO?! GET OUT ‘ERE YA STUPID BEAKIE AND QUIT ‘IDIN LIKE A GROT!”

“DAT AIN’T A GROT DAT’S ME BOYFRIEND!” Gorgutz landed in a spray of weapons fire that mostly pinged off Ghazghkull’s armor, but it did have the effect of drawing the larger warbosses attention with a bellow.

Corvax silently cursed and blessed Gorgutz for being such a pain, then darted out of the shadows, the Raven’s Talon’s pulsing with lightning. He managed to bury one in the back of Mag Thraka’s armor, but the warboss spun around, firing wildly from his great cannon and flailing about with his klaw.

“STOP RUNNIN’ AND STAR FOITIN’ YA GROT!” Ghazghkull snarled, swinging at Corvax with enough fury that he ripped half a dozen nobs in half.

Corvax, however, had already melted back into the shadows. He would have struck at Ghazghkull again, but Gorgutz was being forced to fight off a dozen lesser bosses that had all rushed her at the same time. A part of Corvax wanted to leave her to die and let the other orks tear her apart, but another part of him knew he’d miss the belligerent ork.

While a warboss was normally a match for any space marine, even the Lieutenants of Mag Thrakka were no match for a Primarch in his fury. Flitting between shadows, Corvax chopped one warboss in two, skewered another through his gut, then drew a pistol and blew another’s head off.

Seeing him come to her aid, Gorgutz grinned and blasted another warboss with her shoota, blowing him mostly in half. “See, dis is wot oi love about ya, Corvy! Ya know ‘ow teh treat a gurl to a proppa foit!”

“WE ARE NOT DATING!” Corvax snarled, parrying another titanic blow from Ghazghkull, then shooting another ork that had been trying to flank him before stepping into the shadow of Mag Thrakka and appearing on the ork’s other side.

“Ah, oi knows wot dis is. You is a tsundere. Yunyun explained all about tsunderes,” Gorgutz said sagely, even as she fired a burst into the outraged Ghazhkull.

“DER’S SOMEFIN WRONG WIT YA! YOU’S SMELLS ORK, AND YAS TALKS ORKY, BUT YA AIN’T PROPPA ORKY!” Ghazghkull snarled, turning his attention to Gorgutz and firing off his cannon at her wildly.

She easily dodged the fire with a laugh, shooting back with far more accurate blasts that further enraged the big warboss, even as Corvax sliced at Ghazghkull’s knees.

“Oi’s proppa orky! Oi’s green, foity, stompy, an’ dead cunnin’! Can’t get no more orky den dat,” Gorgutz chuckled, using her rocket pack to leap back to atop the high tower with the megaphone, where she sniped several more orks.

“YA AIN’T A PROPPA BOY! YA’VE BEEN CORRUPTED BY DAT HOMUDAKKA GIT AN’ HER CULT O’ DAKKA! DA ONLY PROPPA ORKY GODS IS MORK ‘N GORK!” Ghazghkull snarled, firing a few shots at Gorgutz, but keeping most of his attention on Corvax. “STOP RUNNIN’ YA SNEAKY GIT! STAND ‘N FOIT!”

A plan forming in his mind, Corvax did just that, dancing away from the massive Gork’s Klaw, then slicing at Mag Thrakka’s arm, attempting to sever it. That got a roar of pain from Ghazghkull who attempted to slam his cannon into Corvax.

“DAT’S ME BEST KLAW! OI GOT IT AS A PRESENT FROM OLE BALE EYE! DON’T YOU FINK YA CAN GET IT AWAY FROM ME!”

“Oh? Are you dating a human too?” Corvax sneered, then danced back a little further. To his delight, Gorgutz seemed to have caught on, and unloaded another burst at Ghazghkull’s back, right where Corvax had stabbed him earlier.

“RAAAAGH! DON’T YA MOCK ME, BEAKIE! WOT ME ‘N BALE EYE GOT IS SPECIAL, NOT LOIK DAT DISGUSTING FING YOU AND DIS FAKE ORK GOT!”

“Pfff, ya’s just jealous dat Corvy ‘ere gives me poems. Ya ‘ear dis one?

Green as sewage,

Angry as a bear

I can’t get this ork

Out of my hair

“H-how did you find that?!” Corvax spluttered. That stupid little ditty had been supposed to be insulting to Gorgutz, but he had written that in his private journal!

“Oi’s dead kunnin’ so oi’s pilfered ya poem book and read it. Dere’s more, ya wanna ‘ere dem, Ghaz?” Gorgurtz teased.

The big warboss stopped in his attempts to dismember Corvax, pausing as he panted for breath, half turning to face Gorgutz. “...NO.”

“Ya, no one wants ta here da beakie’s stupid-” another ork began. Ghazghkull blasted him to bits.

Puffing herself up, Gorgutz recited

Roses are Red

Orks are green

This crazy girl

Is a killing machine

Why does Gorgutz pester me?

She just want’s a fight

Who thought orks with boobies

Would be a good sight?

“Oh no…” Corvax moaned. “Please, just stop…”

“Ole…Ole Bale Eye never wrote me nothin,” Ghazghkull sniffed, raising his power klaw to wipe away a tear.

Jumping down from her perch, Gorgutz landed and reached up to pat Ghazghkull on the shoulder. “Der der, ‘e got ya yer claw.”

“Oi made dat up. Oi says he gave it teh me, but really oi jes’ made it outta a tank ‘e was in. But oi kin still smells ‘is blood on it,” Ghazghkull said fondly.

“I think I’m going to be sick. Can we just go back to fighting?” Corvax demanded.

“Yeah, yeah,” Thrakka muttered, and fired off a burst of his cannon without looking. He shot two nobs off their feet, but missed Corvax by a mile.

“‘Ey, be sensitive. Ghaz needs a minute, see?” Gorgrutz growled. “Foitin’ aint’ da solution to everything.”

“Now dat’s a real unorky thought,” Ghazghkull growled, turning towards Gorgutz menacingly.

“Well, iffin’ ya want a proppa foit, ya gots ta talk it through first, riot? An ya needs to plan it, or da boyz in gurlz aint’ gonna have a proppa scrap, now will dey? Ya knows dat. Ya’ve planned more den one WAAAAGH in ya time. So, fink o’ dis as da plannin’ for ya get into a proppa WAAAAGH with Ole Bale Eye.”

“Oi don’t even fink ‘e noticed me no more,” Ghazghkull said, sitting down onto the deck with a loud thump. “Ya know wot I heard? He was foitin’ da blue boyz. Not even da bugeyz or da panzees! Da blue boyz! Dey can’t give ya a proppa scrap! I throw dis whole WAAAAGH, and does Sebastian even show up? No, ‘e don’t!”

“Sounds like ya relationship is goin’ through a real rough patch,” Gorgutz said sympathetically, patting Ghazghukull affectionately. “But, ya know, some couples ain’t exclusive. Dey foit other people, keeps things fresh on da battlefield, and in the bedroom!”

“Bedroom?” Ghazghukull asked, confused.

“Ya, it’s dis new kind o’ foitin. Turns out, da ‘umies been doin’ it with each other, and keepin’ orks out o’ it! Well, Homudakka, she learned about dis foitin, see, and dat’s why we gots gurlz now, so we’s can do dis new foitin’ in da bedroom wit da humies!” Gorgutz explained enthusiastically.

“WOT!? Do you mean dat Ole Bale Eye’s been cheatin’ on me with da Blue Boyz wit dis new foitin?!” Ghazghkull demanded, jumping up to his feet.

“Well, did ya tell ‘im ya was wantin’ teh be ‘is boyfriend?” Gorgutz inquired.

“Seriously, can I just kill you now? Or better yet, you kill me, so I don’t have to live in this galaxy anymore,” Corvax pleaded.

“Oi don’t feel loik it no more. It ain’t da same. Yer good ‘n all Beakie, but ya ain’t Ole One Eye,” Ghazghkull said wistfully. “Best foit’s o’ me loif was wit ‘im.” The great warboss turned to Gorgutz. “Do ya fink Sebestian would be me boyfriend?”

“Maybe. Dat’s why oi became a gurl! Aside from likein’ me shotta better, oi figured da best way teh get Corvy to foit me proppa was iffin’ I was a gurl. Vulcan says he’s still a virgin, ya know.”

That elicited only stuttering noises of protest Corvax.

“Wot’s a virgin?” Ghazghkull asked, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“Don’t know, but oi fink it means ‘e ain’t had a proppa scrap in da bedroom yet. But oi’s workin’ on ‘im.”

“Hmmm,” Ghazghukull mused, scratching at his chin with the Klaw. He gave Gorgutz and appraising look. “Yo fink if I was a gurl, den Sebestian would foit me proppa, stead o’ goin’ off against da blue boyz?”

“It’s worth a shot, eh, boss?” Gorgutz said with a shrug.

The Prophet of the WAAAAGH considered that for a moment, then nodded. “Makes sense.”

Then, to Corvax’s horror, the giant ork began to shrink, even as he, no, she, detached her power claw. She was still big, green, and ugly, but she was also very abundantly female with long dark green hair and, well, OK, maybe calling her “ugly” wasn’t quite true. She wasn’t as pretty as Gorgutz but-

Corvax realized what he was thinking, and went over to one of the rusty iron beams and began pounding his head against it.

“LISTEN UP! OI’S HAD A REVELATION!” Ghazghkull bellowed into her loudspeaker. “WE’Z GONNA BE FRIENDS WIT HOMUDAKKA. GORK ‘N MORK IS OVERATED. OI’VE DISCOVERED ME PURPOSE IN LOIF: TO GET THE BIGGEST WAAAGH EVER TOGETHER, AN’ MAKE OLE BALE EYE FOIT ME PROPPA!”

There were loud cheers from the orks, and plenty of wild weapons fire.

“Hey boss, we won!” Gorgutz said happily, popping up next to Corvax.

He turned to her, blood dripping down his forehead and into his eyes. “I see that. Wonderful. Just wonderful.”

“Now, I know’s yer disappointed we didn’t get ta krump Ghaz…”

“Like you wouldn’t believe,” Corvax moaned.

“...so’s instead, oi told ‘er me ‘n you was borrowin’ ‘er quarters. We can ‘ave a proppa scrap, then a nap, and you’ll feel better,” Gorgutz declared, and began hauling Corvax away.

“A nap sounds perfect, maybe when I wake up, this nightmare will be over,” Corvax groaned. Then the rest of what Gorgutz had said processed.

“WAIT, NO, NOOOOOOOOO!!!” Corvax screamed, turning around and digging his fingers into the dirty deck plating in an effort to stop his inevitable doom.

Gorgutz just chuckled, and grabbed Corvax by one leg, dragging him along as his fingers dug into the deck plating, ripping it up with a scream as she forced him along. “Aw, come on, ya knows you’ll feel better after a proppa scrap! Besides, both o’ us should try out this new foitin’.”

Weeping, Corvax was dragged into the bedchamber, where a roit and proppa scrap ensued.

Somewhere along the way, he even realized he was enjoying himself.