The Man From Azkaban: The Game is Afoot! (Patreon)

Chapter 3.03 The Game is Afoot

“Thank you all for coming, and welcome to the first meeting of the House Points Fraud Protection Committee,” Kazuma said, raising a teacup to his guests.

Ginny snorted and scooped several biscuits onto her plate, sticking one in her mouth and speaking around it. “You said you had something important to discuss, Kazuma. I’m all for free food, but what’s this about House Points?”

“Do you think the other guys are gonna cheat?” Dust asked, his eyes growing nearly as wide as his biscuit-stuffed cheeks as he sprayed crumbs over the tablecloth.

For his part, Draco glared at the guests. “You’re both purebloods. You should act like it. Sit up, and don’t talk with your mouth full!”

“Says the only child,” Ginny said, and Dust nodded seriously in agreement.

“He’s not an only child now, I’m trying to train him but it’s rough going. You wouldn’t believe how long his showers are, or how many hair care potions he has,” Kazuma said conspiratorially.

They were sitting on the veranda of Malfoy Manor, at a round table with an immaculate green cloth with a white lace overlay, upon which rested a full silver tea set with the Malfoy crest emblazoned on it. The tea cups did have real tea, but the biscuits that Dobby was serving were Oreos and Walkers.

“Well, perhaps your hair wouldn’t look such a mess if you’d listen to mum and try some of the potions she’s gotten you!” Draco spluttered, going red in the face.

“Yeah Kazuma, do you think hair this good happens naturally?” Dust said, rubbing his knuckles through Draco’s hair and causing the other boy to flinch and slap at him.

“Well at least you could use some deodorant charms, all of you,” Ginny said, which caused all three of her minions to pause and not so surreptitiously sniff their pits. “Well, spit it out. I want to beat my brothers again this year as much as the rest of you do.”

“No, no, no. You see, I’ve figured it out,” Kazuma said, tapping his temple with a finger. “The points are a lie.”

“No, I’m pretty sure they’re not, they got magic jars with the marbles in them and everything,” Dust said, his brow furrowing in confusion.

“I’m not saying the points don’t actually exist, moron! I’m saying that the professors are lying to US!” Kazuma said, stabbing the table with his finger dramatically.

“You think someone’s cheating the system?” Draco asked, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t see how that’s a bad thing, seeing as how Slytherin keeps winning.”

“Yeah, if the system’s rigged in your favor, don’t mess with it,” Ginny agreed.

Sighing and giving his companions a sad smile, Kazuma shook his head. “You poor, blind fools. I can see they’ve pulled the wool over your eyes too. Once, I was lost, blind, as you are now. Well, I’m here to open your eyes, and show you the TRUTH.”

“No, I got pretty good eyesight, mine was checked by a mediwitch last week!” Dust said brightly.

“I’m speaking metaphorically!” Kazuma snapped.

“You’re speaking out of your arse,” Ginny snorted, but she looked intrigued. “Do go on though.”

“I will. Now, look. To earn the House Cup, we have to work hard, right? Turn in our assignments, bust our butts to answer questions, tidy up places, and kiss up to teachers and prefects. And what do we get for that?” Kazuma demanded.

“A cake!” Dust said happily, taking another Oreo. “I like cake!”

“No, dumbarse! We’d get a cake at the end of the year no matter what!” Kazuma snapped. “Heck, if my plan works out, I’ll BUY you a cake at the end of the year!”

“That’s not true, the cake would be hideously decorated in something tacky, like red or yellow at the end of the year,” Draco said, wrinkling his nose. “Plus, we get a sense of Pride and Accomplishment by working so hard.”

“Hold on,” Ginny said, her eyes narrowing. “Are you going where I think you’re going with this?”

“To the bakery?” Dust guessed. Everyone else turned and looked at him, their expressions baffled and slightly annoyed. “What? That’s where you get cake from!”

“Don’t be thick, Dust,” Ginny snapped. “Kazuma just realized something.”

“And what’s that?” Draco asked, rolling his eyes. “Because this sounds like another of his ‘brilliant’ plans that gets us all in trouble!”

“What?! My plans always work!” Kazuma protested, putting a hand over his heart and looking mortally offended.

Now it was Kazuma’s turn to collect glares of ire.

“What about the time we got knocked out by our own potion?!” Draco demanded.

“Or those stupid flying monkeys. Those were YOUR idea,” Ginny accused in a case of Younger Sibling Historical Revisionism.

“Or when we ended up facing the Dark Lord in combat!?” Dust demanded. Kazuma gave him a weird look, until Dust added, “We didn’t even get any treasure! Worst dungeon, ever.”

“Ok, I’ll give you that last one,” Kazuma sighed. “What kind of idiot makes a dungeon, but doesn’t put some sweet loot at the end?! Anyway, look. This time, it’ll work, I promise! No danger on our part, and we’ll do the same work we would have done, but this time, for a purpose! We’ll lose the House Cup!’

“What?! Are you mad?! Why would we do that!?” Draco gasped, scandalized.

“Because Kazuma has realized the House Cup is the Suck Up Cup,” Ginny said, leaning back in her chair and smirking, a look of satisfaction on her face. “And who wants to be a suck up?”

Draco and Dust blinked and exchanged horrified glances, but Kazuma beamed at Ginny. “I knew my little sister was the cutest and the smartest!”

Ginny batted her eyes at Kazuma. “Tell us our brilliant plan, onii-chan.”

And thereby firmly reestablished her ownership of the group.

“Well, it’s like this. We didn’t get squat for winning the House Cup! Sense of Pride and Accomplishment, my arse! That doesn’t put any money in the bank! No, see, here’s what we’re gonna do…”

As Kazuma laid out his plan, Dust and Draco slowly leaned forward, their looks of skepticism replaced by nods and grins. They knew what kind of person Kazuma was, they knew what happened to all of Kazuma’s supposedly clever plans. But some fools never learn.

Bagpipes blared loudly, and a knight in shining armor stepped out onto the field, helmet under her arm. “The most important part of learning to fight is physical fitness! When one is on the battlefield, mastery of arms can only take you so far! This is why you must train daily, and never slack off! So, when Sirius Black attacks again, I urge you! Prepare your bodies! But, should he penetrate your defenses, please, consider me to be your shield! Let his attacks fall against me, who has been preparing herself to face Death Eaters all her life! I can only imagine the cruel, inhuman things a man like him could do, cruelly taking virtuous young maidens captive, and subjecting them to the most vicious of jinxes and hexes. F-forcing them to endure all kinds of hardships, a-and-”

“Yeah, that’s enough, and the bagpipes are a bit much,” Hermione said, pointing her wand at the floating instruments, which thankfully fell silent. “And really, physical fitness? We’re not knights, Darkness, we’re witches! We should do research and practice spells, not do crunches and laps.”

“B-but what if Black accosts you? Surely you must be able to flee, a-and physical fitness is the key to this! A-although you could hide behind me, my shield is strong, b-but my body is stronger, and-”

“Sports are dumb and PE is lame,” Megumin said, blowing a loud raspberry. “You said we could go swimming. Why are you wearing that get up? Come on, let’s just cool off in the pond, it’s hot!”

“I-I think Darkness has a point,” Yunyun interjected. “In combat, you have to raise your dexterity and constitution if you want to be able to take an accidental hit.”

“Ha! I shall instead raise my Intelligence, and with it, the power of my Explosion Magic!” Megumin cackled. “The best defense is a good Explosion!”

“Well, there’s some merit to that, but really I think we’d best spend our time in Madam Longbottom’s library researching new spells instead of out here,” Hermione said dubiously.

All four were currently out on the grounds of Longbottom Hall, which was located on what muggles thought was an uninhabited island in the Orkney Islands. It had been a great disappointment to both Megumin and Yunyun to learn that there were, in fact, no orks in the Orkneys. They had mostly agreed to come visit Darkness for the prospect of getting in a ‘roit and proppa WAAAAAAGH, but instead had been limited to taking a dip in the pond and enjoying the actually pleasant weather (for once) in Scotland.

Going for a swim in the sea was still right out. Unseasonably warm weather even for July or not.

After some argument, Darkness finally took off her armor, and much to her embarrassment, revealed she was wearing a rather modest one-piece bathing suit underneath it. They did end up having a dip in the pond, which while cold was rather refreshing in the hot (for Scotland) weather. It was over 70 degrees in Freedom Units, or as Hermione insisted, 23C. The four girls had a marvelous time together, then dried off and did a patrol of the grounds.

In the end, they found only some fish for supper along the beach, which Megumin obtained by casting a very small (for her) blasting charm that couldn’t have been mistaken for anything bigger than a 10lbs of C4. Most of the fish were utterly pulped by the shockwave, but they did manage to scoop out several that were only stunned by the blast.

After that, they made their way to the manor house in time for afternoon tea. As they were approaching, there was a rustling in the grass, and then a pounding of feet as something larged charged at them.

“Is it an ork?” Yunyun asked hopefully, pulling out her wand.

“It’s Sirius Black!” Megumin declared, raising Chunchumaru. “BACK, FIEND, or I shall cast you down into the fiery depths from which-”

Talking is only a free action in TTRPGs and movies, so Megumin wasn’t prepared when a large black shape lunged at her out of the foliage. Darkness did manage to put herself in the way of the ‘attack’ which resulted in her being staggered backwards as something huge, black, and shaggy slammed into her.

“Ah! Back, back you monster! Ah, my face! It’s attacking my face! It…it doesn’t hurt? W-what are you… ack, stop it, stop it!” By this point, Darkness was laughing, and hugging the giant black dog that was enthusiastically licking her. Despite the fact that Darkness had really shot up over the summer, and was now close to 5’8”, the dog was easily able to put his paws on her shoulders as he licked at her.

“I didn’t know you had a dog,” Hermione said, as the other girls gathered around the big puppy. He very happily accepted their scratches and pats, sitting down and panting happily, his tongue lolling out of his mouth.

“H-he’s very handsome,” Yunyun giggled, and the dog barked happily. He was, of course, wearing a handkerchief with a red and yellow ohia print on it, and was a great shaggy hound.

“Blackie? Where’d you go, boy?” a familiar voice called.

All four girls froze. “How’d she figure out so fast?!” Yunyun hissed.

“It’s the fuzz, cheese it!” Megumin shouted, and she, Yunyun, and Hermione bravely fled as Tonks approached them, Blackie barking happily and chasing after them as they fled into the small woods behind them.

Darkness, being of firm conviction and of just moral character, stood her ground, looking contrite as Tonks ambled over.

“I-it’s my fault, Ms. Tonks,” Darkness stammered, looking down in shame. “I-I should have stopped them…”

“Oh bloody hell, what did Megs blow up now?” Tonks muttered. She tapped her throat with her wand and shouted, “OI, GET BACK HERE! I’M NOT HERE TO TELL YOU OFF THIS TIME YOU BUNCH OF DELINQUENTS!”

After several assurances that they wouldn’t be grounded for the remainder of the summer, the three Dark Ladies in Training reappeared with Blackie on their heels.

“I’m just here for the party,” Tonks said in exasperation. “Or did you forget you invited me, Megs?”

“Um, no, definitely not,” Megumin lied, her hand resting on Blackie’s back. “Is this your dog?”

“Mine, actually. Happy Birthday, Miss Potter.”

Tonks turned as a man walked up to them, dressed in a tan suit and tie. She smiled and put her hand on his back. “This is Remus Lupin, my-”

“EEEEEEEEEE!” All tweens shrieked, their eyes dancing with delight. “YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!?”

“Er, uh, well-” Lupin stammered, which earned gasps and sighs from the girls.

“Just a friend, for now,” Tonks said with a wink. “He’s going to be your new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor.”

Hermione pursed her lips and looked Lupin up and down. “Do you actually know how to teach, or are you another fraud?”

“Hermione!” Darkness gasped in horror, her face going even redder than it already was from all the sun.

“Heh heh heh,” Megumin chuckled, reaching into the bundle of clothes she was carrying and plucking out an eye patch, which she slipped on. “And who is this who dares approach me? Do you really think that you are qualified to train a Crimson Demon in the Dark Arts?! Know that I am MEGUMIN! Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan, and Mistress of Explosion Magic, the mightiest spell in the entire world!”

“A-and I’m Yunyun! Um, I’m also in the Crimson Demon Clan, w-wielder of Light of Saber,” Yunyun said, smiling sweetly. “I-I hope we can be friends!”

“P-please excuse my friends, sir,” Darkness said, bowing. “We look forward to having you as our teacher!”

Tonks sighed and put her head in her hands, but Lupin barked out a laugh while Blackie danced around Megumin and barked excitedly. “You are your parents' daughter, I see! That was exactly how Lily introduced herself to me back in the day.”

“Oh? Then you are yet another mysterious figure from my past, here to instruct me in the ways to battle my hated Nemesis, Sirius Black, at my darkest hour?” Megumin demanded, striking as dramatic a pose as possible when you were wet from swimming and carrying a bundle of clothes.

“I don’t know about mysterious, but I am here to help you with your Sirius problem,” Lupin said, glancing down at his dog.

For his part, Blackie sat down by Megumin and barked once, then thumped his tail on the ground.

“Puns are the lowest sort of humor, you know,” Hermione said, clearly already mentally putting Lupin under the “worthless” category of Defense teachers.

“Well, I am here to offer some help, and also give my goddaughter a birthday present, though I suppose that will have to wait until after the party, eh?” Lupin said with a grin.

“I will accept your tribute as my due,” Megumin said with ponderous dignity, or at least as much as someone with a fake eyepatch can have anyway.

The girls went inside the house to get cleaned up for the party and came down to find Ron had arrived. As a boy, he obviously hadn’t been invited to the sleepover the night before, as there were some things he just wouldn’t understand thanks to the infirmity of his gender.

“Happy Birthday, Megumin!” Ron called, waving cheerily. He blushed and held up a present, wrapped sloppily in Sunday funnies. “It’s not much, but I got you something.”

“I accept your tribute, as is my due. You may put it with the rest,” Megumin decreed, gesturing airily to a table that was already piled with several presents.

“Hi Megumin!” Aqua called, waving from the table where she was sitting with the adults, who aside from Chris were under some serious delusions as to her maturity level. “When are Kazuma and Dust getting here?”

“Why would I invite Kazutrash and his minion?” Megumin sneered and sat down at the table. “Well, I am here! PRESENT ME WITH TRIBUTE TO SATE MY HUNGER!”

“YOUNG WOMAN!” Augusta Longbottom thundered back, the stuffed vulture perched on her hat glaring at Megumin despite its advanced state of decay. “In this house, we have MANNERS. I will give you some license as it is your birthday, but you are a young lady, not a quidditch hooligan!”

“Ha! A Crimson Demon’s will is unbending, and unending!” Megumin cackled as Darkness cringed back and the rest of her companions slowly backed away from her, while Ron found pressing business in the lavatory. “We have no manners, save those of CONQUEST! If you think to match wits with me, then-”

“-thank you all for coming, I’m very pleased to see you,” Megumin said meekly several minutes later, bowing to the assembled party guests.

“Can we just leave her here?” Vernon asked Petunia. “That old harridan will sort her out right quick.”

“My son was much your age, Vernon, and I would have no issue sorting out YOU,” Augusta said sweetly. She beamed at Megumin. “Thank you, young lady. You may be seated.”

Megumin looked uncertain at that prospect but eased herself into her seat with a wince.

“Now, let’s have some cake!” Augusta said and clapped her hands. Two house elves ran out, bearing a giant carrot cake, artfully decorated with glowing red eyes, and a mushroom cloud on top with Megumin posing dramatically before it.

“It’s perfect,” Megumin said, tears of joy filling her eyes. “Thank you.”

“I-I decorated it myself. Um, with help from Flowers and Greggle,” Darkness said, blushing.

“Mistress is too kind,” the male house elf, who was dressed in what looked like canvas from an old bit of sail. “Greggle was barely doing anything! Happy Birthday, Great Mistress Potter!”

“Thank you,” Megumin said politely. “NOW, LET THE FEAST-”

Augusta shot Megumin a glare, and the volume immediately dropped to an acceptable level.

“Um, let’s eat.”

“Do you take students for charms?” Petunia asked Augusta as the cake was served. “I don’t mean the magical kind, you know, the sort for young ladies.”

“Why, I’d be delighted. Lalatina could use some classmates when I teach her lessons in manners,” Augusta said, earning a look of horror from Megumin behind her back and a blush from Darkness.

“C-can I come too?” Yunyun asked hopefully, which earned her appalled looks from Megumin and Darkness both.

“Of course dear. Every class needs a model student,” Augusta said with a gentle smile.

Megumin quietly vowed revenge. Not out loud, of course. Not where Augusta could hear her.

After the greatest display of table manners in Megumin’s short life, the table was cleared by the house elves and the presents were brought out. Megumin went at the first one like a rabid woodchuck on a log, until there was a disappointed, “Hem hem.”

Then she very carefully and neatly removed the rest of the wrappings while blushing and pointedly not looking at Augusta Longbottom.

“I, uh, I know you like potions, so,” Ron said, blushing at his obviously second-hand present. “It Bill’s, but, uh, I don’t use it so…”

“Ah ha! A collection of the finest alchemical ingredients and a real bronze cauldron for advanced potioneering!” Megumin said gleefully, rubbing her hands in excitement as her eyes glowed. “With this, I shall be able to concoct the finest of brews! Quickly, Ronald, fetch me a burner and some water! We shall begin the Fyrebreathe Elixir, a powerful brew that grants-”

“It’s quite rude to ignore the rest of your gifts, young lady. Potions after the party,” Augusta stated firmly. “And what do we say to those who give us gifts?”

“Thank you,” Megumin muttered, then hopped out of her chair and grabbed Ron in a surprisingly strong hug for someone of her slender frame. “I love it!”

Ron was blushing furiously, but he didn’t look the least bit put out as he muttered, “It’s not that great.”

“Only because it has yet to be used by a TRUE genius of the potioneer’s art!” Megumin cackled.

“You keep using that word. Have you looked in the dictionary?” Hermione inquired in falsely sweet tones.

“Don’t be rude, young woman. It’s her birthday, let her have her fun,” Augusta harrumphed.

Hermione rolled her eyes, and though her head was facing away from Augusta, the matriarch of the Longbottom clan clucked her tongue. “Perhaps I should inquire with your parents if YOU need charms lessons, Miss Granger.”

“No, I’m very charming!” Hermione squeaked, looking mortified at the thought.

The rest of the presents were all greeted with over the top declarations of enthusiasm, though no one else earned themselves a happy hug, which made Ron feel odd and strange, as he was now 13 and like most people that age, very confused about things.

The last present to be opened was Lupins, and by that point even glares from Augusta were not enough to prevent a frenzy of ripping as Megumin shredded the paper within, she found a large leatherbound photo album, with gold lettering on it.

Messrs, Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail & Prongs,

&

Mlle Crimson,

PRESENT

MARAUDERS: THE ALBUM

On the cover, five young people grinned and winked. The girl had bright red frizzy hair, while one of the boys was tall and slender with glasses and green eyes, next to a nervously looking boy with buck teeth and dark blond hair. The others were a shy looking boy with freckles and light brown hair, the other pale and dark but with a mischievous grin on his face. All of them were in Gryffindor Robes, looked to be about 16, and were holding up the Quidditch Cup.

Megumin’s hands were trembling, and there were tears in her eyes. Yunyun had come over to crouch next to Megumin and hug her, and Darkness came over as well, resting her head on Megumin’s shoulder.

Putting her hand on Megumin’s, Darkness said, “It’s OK. We’re here with you.”

Sniffing and nodding, Megumin wiped at her eyes and looked across the table to a concerned looking Lupin. “T-thank you. I…I see you did know my parents…”

“I did,” he said quietly, giving Megumin a gentle smile. “They would have wanted you to have this.”

Nodding, Megumin opened up the photo album. The first picture that caught her eye made her gasp, and she pointed to a picture of a dour looking boy with a sallow complexion who was holding up a Hogwarts acceptance letter alongside a gap-toothed girl who had one of her own. Unlike most of the other photos, this one didn’t move, and had been taken with a polaroid. “Professor Snape?!”

Petunia craned her long neck over and spied the picture. She smiled, wiping away a tear of her own as she rubbed Megumin’s back. “Yes. He grew up with us. I was the one who took this particular picture, all those years ago…”

Megumin nodded, feeling her throat close up as she paged through the pictures. Most of them were of her mum and dad, though the four other boys appeared frequently as well. A suspicion began to grow in her, and she held up a picture to Lupin. “Is one of these the man who murdered my parents!?”

“Yes,” Lupin said seriously. “Turn to the back.”

Hastily, Megumin did, and there she found a letter on parchment taped to the back cover.

Our dearest daughter,

If you are reading this, then the Dark Prophecy has come to pass, and all our rituals and attempts to prevent this fate have failed. Not even the goddesses could prevent this event, which they referred to as ‘one of the stations of the canon’ and an immutable part of our world.

Still, by our deaths, we hope to arm you for the future, and that you will take up arms, and avenge our deaths!

For you see, Megumin, we did not die merely at the hand of Voldemort, nor by the whims of luck.

No. There was a traitor among us.

We know not his name, as we have been rotating the Secret Keeper, but he is one of our dearest friends. It is up to you, Megumin, to solve this mystery and to bring the man who betrayed us to Justice!

Do not show this album to anyone but your most trusted companions! You must uncover the mystery behind our deaths, reveal the traitor, and seize your destiny with both hands!

Your loving parents,

Lily The Crimson Fox, and James the Incredible Prongs

Attached to the letter was a picture of a grinning woman with bright red hair, standing next to a beaming man with dark hair and green eyes who had on gold-rimmed spectacles. They were holding a little girl with a thick mop of dark hair and glowing red eyes in a pink onesie, standing in front of a fireplace. The two adults were waving happily, but when they spied Megumin looking at them, they pulled out eye patches and put them on, striking dramatic poses. Even the baby had on an eye patch and was grinning mischievously.

Megumin looked up at Lupin, but he put his fingers to  his lips and made a zipping motion. She nodded slowly, and tucked the letter away, her tears forgotten.

“It looks like things have just gotten Sirius,” she said, her eyes glowing with passion.

Beside her, Blackie thumped his tail on the ground and grinned.