Dark Legend of Potter, The Man From Azkaban 1 (Patreon)

After many long weeks at sea, the HMS Tireless was heading home to her base at HMNB Clyde in Scotland. The Trafalgar Class attack submarine had been on patrol in the Baltic, and her captain and crew were more than ready to be home. Their track home was a bit circuitous, taking them only a few miles off the coast from Scarborough. They were traveling at a depth of 40 meters, with nothing ahead of them but a few days to go up around the northern coast of Scotland and then back down to their home port.

The Captain, Travis Bently, had been a submariner for most of his career and had spent most of that playing games with the Russians. With the fall of the Soviet Union, his job had gotten not only easier but far more boring. Not that he was complaining. Keeping track of Russian boomers was professionally satisfying, but having fewer of them in the water helped him sleep at night. He was currently standing on his bridge, enjoying an early morning cup of tea while he stood watch.

Right when he was taking a sip of tea, the entire submarine shuddered and shook as if it had been struck by the hammer of god. Alarms blared, and several men fell over. Captain Bently himself spilled his cuppa all over himself, the scalding liquid making him swear.

“What the bloody hell happened?” he roared, shaking the liquid off his hand. “That felt like-”

“We’ve got damage all over the ship sir! That, that felt like,” his helmsman swallowed, then said in a whisper, “Like a bomb going off…but at this depth…”

Feeling his blood run cold, Captain Bently called for damage reports. The ship itself hadn’t been struck, and it had just been the one hit. At this depth though, for a blast to be powerful enough to shake the submarine from the surface, it would have had to be monumentally powerful. Like a nuclear strike.

A quiet and urgent conference was held with the ship's officers. They were not a ballistic missile sub, but they were trained to hunt them. They decided to rise to periscope depth and radio in, praying that they would find that Scarborough hadn’t been hit by a Russian warhead from one of the same submarines they were supposed to keep track of.

To their horror, there was a mushroom cloud, not more than a kilometer away from where they came up. They hastily called in and were relieved to find out that global nuclear war hadn’t broken out. Still, it was ominous to look up at that fading omen, knowing what could have caused it.

If they’d known what actually had, they would have been much more frightened. As it was, they missed the two teenage girls, one carrying the other, who booked it away from the Scottish coastline. Or the wizard who popped up next to them in a towering fury.

DARK LEGEND OF POTTER: THE MAN FROM AZKABAN!

“Yunyun, stop right there!” Tonks bellowed, leveling her wand. “And put down Megumin! Hands where I can see them!”

“M-Miss Tonks!” Yunyun stammered. “Er, what are you doing here? We, um, we were just out for a walk, and-”

“Did you see my Explosion!?” Megumin demanded, jerking her head in the direction of the fading mushroom cloud, and also completely ruining any remote chance at denial. “It was one of my most impressive! The tidal surge alone-”

“Will show the bloody muggles that SOMETHING just happened, and I don’t think we can claim it was just a gas leak this time!” Tonks ranted, plucking Megumin off Yunyun’s back by her collar and holding the girl up to glare at her. While Yunyun was getting that lanky look that came with a teenaged growth spurt, Megumin was still a short little gremlin, though she too was all arms and legs.

“How did you know where we were?” Yunyun asked, blushing and not bothering with further prevaricating. It would have been pointless even if Megumin had kept her mouth shut anyway.

“Because I bloody well came to save you and warn you!” Tonks snarled, shaking Megumin enough to rattle what brains the child had. “Sirius Black is back! You’re both in danger! Your holiday is over!”

A few minutes later, they were back at the seaside cottage the Dursleys were staying at, after Tonks nearly stepped on a bear trap that had been magically concealed and swore a blue streak. Inside, Vernon was waiting in his golf clothes, looking irritated and slapping his nine iron menacingly into his palm.

“Girl, I’ve never beat you before, but you’re sorely tempting me. I was about to hit a birdie when your blasted spell knocked me off my feet! Have you any sense at all!?”

“I bet you were two over par,” Megumin said with a snort, as she knew Vernon’s golfing ability all too well.

Vernon went even redder in the face at that, his mustache trembling in rage. Mostly because Megumin was right, but also because of her flippant attitude. Petunia interrupted, putting a hand on Vernon's arm. “Dear, Tonks was already here. She said it was something important, something dangerous. Let's hear her out.”

“Can’t imagine what’s more dangerous than that bloody menace,” Vernon grumbled, which earned him a grin from Megumin, even as Tonks tossed her onto the couch.

“Sirius Black has returned,” Tonks repeated, but this time she pulled out a newspaper. She held it up, showing a picture of a tall, dark man with his long hair pulled back into a ponytail, dressed in a black duster coat and shiny black boots, black gloves on his hand, and a black domino mask on his face. He was standing atop Gringotts bank and waving and smiling, as the crowd below screamed in terror and panic.

The headline read “DREAD MENACE RETURNS: SIRIUS BLACK STUNS BRITAIN WITH RENEWED ATTACK.”

“So? Why should we bloody well care?” Vernon said with a snort.

“Hold on, Daddy. Is this man a Death Eater of some sort?” Yunyun asked, and her eyes were already glowing with eager menace.

“Of some sort?” Tonks said, shaking the paper in Yunyun’s face. “Sirius Black is the man who betrayed Megumin’s parents to Voldemort!”

There was a gasp from the couch, and Megumin managed to struggle upright to a sitting position. “He was?!”

Tonks gave her a flat look. “Don’t you already know this?”

Megumin nodded. “Yes, but this is clearly dramatic exposition, so I am reacting accordingly. Also, wasn’t he the only person to ever escape from Azkaban Prison?”

“He was, and he’s sworn to finish the job,” Tonks said grimly, handing the paper over to Megumin. Yunyun eagerly slid next to her cousin, and the two girls read the paper aloud.

JULY 29TH, DIAGON ALLEY

The peaceful commerce of the alleyway was shattered this morning to the horror of all, when a masked villain who declared himself to be none other than SIRIUS BLACK appeared. He fired off several spells from his vantage point, then made a dramatic speech.

“I have returned! Let the little rat that escaped my wrath 12 years ago beware! I’m back in Britain, to finish what I started! Not even Azkaban could hold me, and no one can stop me! Watch out, Megumin Potter! They might call you the Girl Who Lived, but by the time I’m through, the world will have a new name for you!”

After that, Black reportedly aparated away before anyone could stop him, leaving the sign of a Grim in the air.

There was a picture of an illusory snarling black dog hanging over Gringotts, snapping and snarling as it barked and foamed at the mouth, and Megumin and Yunyun both made appreciative noises at the artistry, then kept reading.

Authorities have already begun the search, and Minister for Magic Fudge has assured the Daily Prophet he’s already taking steps to safeguard the Girl Who Lived, and Hogwarts, which has suffered a series of unfortunate events in the past two years, each thwarted by the brave actions of Megumin Potter.

“We’ve already dispatched the Dementors to watch over Hogwarts and the Express, and have launched a massive manhunt to locate Black. He may have escaped my predecessor, but no one escapes Cornelius Fudge!”

For our full expose on the history of Sirius Black and the harrowing events that led to his capture, then escape from Azkaban, see page 5.

Slowly, Megumin lowered the paper, tears in her eyes. Tonks swallowed, and put a hand on her shoulder. “Look, I know this is going to be hard for you, but-”

“She’s not sad,” Vernon said bluntly.

“I know. Just let me finish.” Tonks lowered herself to eye level with Megumin. “This is very important. I don’t care how excited you are to have a rival, or whatever you think this is. But you are BLOODY WELL NOT TO BLOW UP THE ENTIRE COUNTRYSIDE IN A MAD QUEST FOR REVENGE!”

By the end of it, Tonks had her hands around Megumin and was shaking her again, hard enough that it looked like Megumin was nodding, and Tonks was bellowing loud enough to be heard for half a mile.

“Fine! Fine!” Megumin cried, and Tonks let her go. Megumin raised a clenched fist. “I promise not to blow up the entire countryside. But I will have an epic battle with my NEMESIS!”

“Just don’t bloody well do it at school,” Tonks said, wagging a finger under Megumin’s nose. “You’ve blown up Hogwarts two years running! Do you realize we have an office pool going as to which month the school will suffer some disaster because of you!?”

“Ah, I see,” Megumin considered this, then nodded. “Which month should I arrange a disaster to get a share of your winnings?”

“Why you little- I’m not in the pool!” Tonks glared at Megumin, but then bit her lip. “But, ah…I could put you down for June? You know, end of term and all that.”

“Deal,” Megumin said, and extended her hand.

Petunia slapped it down and shot Tonks a pointed look. “Don’t encourage her! Isn’t it bad enough she just tried to explode the entire ocean?!”

“Not the entire ocean,” Megumin said and took on a wistful expression. “Not yet.”

Even Yunyun looked at Megumin with abject horror at that particular revelation, but really, no one should have been surprised.

“Well, either way, you have a very dangerous Death Eater after you now, one that’s evaded the law for over a decade,” Tonks said with a shake of her head. “You’re all in serious danger. I’ve been sent to see to it that you don’t do anything mad, or get yourself killed before term starts. Then you’re the Dementors’ problem.”

“Ah, I have read of Dementors in my bestiary!” Megumin said, an eager look in her eyes.

Yunyun looked excited as well. “They’re demons, r-right? Do you think they’d be weaker to light-based attacks, or elemental spells?”

“Bugger me blind, this isn’t a chance for you two maniacs to test out new and creative ways to get yourself in trouble!” Tonks said though Petunia gave her a look of horror at Tonks’ language. She’d probably spent too much time with Moody. That, and she was mildly stressed from the escaped Death Eater, and massive breach of the Statute of Secrecy (again). “Besides, no known magic can kill a Dementor. And if you do irritate one, it will suck your soul out.”

Broad grins spread over Megumin and Yunyun’s faces. Megumin rubbed her hands together in anticipation, while Yunyun took out her wand and stroked it meaningfully.

“I give up!” Tonks said, throwing her hands up in the air. “I should just stun the two of you and lock you in a trunk until school starts! That might give me some piece of mind and sanity!”

“Is it really safe to have demons at a school?” Petunia asked nervously.

Vernon snorted in derision. “Of course not. But none of the other parents complain we send our girls there.”

Petunia glared at her husband until she saw the wide grins on her daughter's and Megumin’s faces. Then she just let out a heavy sigh. “Well…I suppose we’d best go back home. At least that awful security system you’ve been mucking about with will finally have a purpose.”

“B-but what about Megumin’s Birthday party!? W-we were supposed to have it here by the sea!” Yunyun said, tears filling her eyes.

“Don’t worry. I’ve already received the best present any girl could hope for,” Megumin said, patting Yunyun on the back.

“A stern warning not to blow up the castle again,” Tonks muttered.

“A safe and loving family?” Petunia said hopefully.

“Not getting the backside of my hand,” Vernon grumbled, still sore about his interrupted round of golf, which he had upgraded from double bogey to eagle in his head.

“A real nemesis,” Yunyun sighed. “It’s not fair. You have two now. Voldemort and Sirius Black.”

“It’s OK, I’m sure you’ll find your own nemesis soon,” Megumin promised Yunyun, putting a consoling hand on her shoulder.

“Your kids are mad,” Tonks told the Dursleys, though she also gave them a tired smile. “It’s a good thing I love them to bits too, or I’d suggest you stuff them in a sack and ship them off to Durmstrang.”

“Would you really!?” Megumin asked eagerly. “I hear they put a special emphasis on the Dark Arts at Durmstrang!”

“B-but I would miss all my friends!” Yunyun protested, sniffing and blinking away tears.

“We’re not shipping you to whatever this Dumbstrange is,” Petunia said firmly. “We’re going home where it’s safe.” Vernon looked put out, until Petunia added, “and where your father can golf in peace.”

“Just make sure your place is secure: Sirius Black once blew up a man so thoroughly all that was left was a finger,” Tonks said. When Megumin gave her a manic grin, she sighed and added, “No, that isn’t a contest, Megumin. Don’t go around blowing up people just to show you could do a proper job of it.”

Megumin pouted, but since she’d already had her metabolically necessary (according to her) Explosion for the day, she let it go at that.

It had been a long time since Sirius had been back to England. At first, he’d nearly refused to come, on moral grounds alone. After all, who else had to ride in a damn pet carrier on a plane?

“I’m not doing it,” Sirius had informed Remus, glaring at his best friend with the large dog carrier on the floor between them. All their earthly possessions had been packed, or given away to friends, mostly the furniture. Though there was one old armchair that Sirius had shrunk to hang on to, the couches and beds had been given to those they’d known on Maui. They hadn’t had many close friends, with Remus keeping mostly to himself, and Sirius being unknown except as a very good boy.

“Just think of it as a prank on the airline,” Remus had finally said in exasperation after a lengthy argument. “You got the bloody rabies shot!”

“No, I Confounded the veterinarian and forged the paperwork. I hate needles,” Sirius sulked. Then he frowned. “Wait, what do you mean, prank?”

“You’re smuggling yourself aboard an airplane in broad daylight. No one will even suspect you’re actually a person. Plus, it’s much cheaper to fly a pet to the UK than it is a person,” Remus said, his tone overly patient.

“I still want a seat,” Sirius sulked. “I’m not sitting in a bloody carrier for 20 bloody hours.”

“Fine! We’ll buy you a seat! But I doubt they’ll let my damn dog sit in it!” Remus snapped.

As it turned out, they did. Sirius had worn a bandana around his neck (yellow and red in an ohia bloom pattern) and sat in the seat, where stewardesses had cooed over him and even given him a free first-class steak dinner, much to Remus’ annoyance. He’d been photographed and petted, and generally spoiled to death both for their flight from Kahului Airport to Honolulu, then to Seattle for a three-hour layover, another two-hour stop in Atlanta, and finally on to Heathrow.

By the end of it, Remus was completely fed up. “Next time, I’m going as the damn dog. You were treated better than I was! My dinner was awful, they gave you steak and salmon on every flight!” He told Sirius as they landed at Heathrow.

Sirius barked, and Remus rolled his eyes. “Oh, fine, not on the first one, but that flight’s not even an hour long! Bloody women and bloody dogs.”

“It’s ok, Blackie,” a stewardess named Michelle said, coming over and hugging Sirius’ head to her very ample bosom while she rubbed the dog of a man. Sirius wagged his tale and licked her face, which made Michelle giggle and pat him. “Buckle up now, we’re landing.”

Sirius sat, and Michelle did fuss about him with the bloody buckle to Remus’ annoyance. The doggie grin Sirius gave him did nothing to improve Remus’ mood.

“Yeah, well, I’m snogging your cousin,” Remus muttered.

Sirius let out a howl, right as the plane touched down, and several people clapped and laughed.

Remus had never been so glad to get off a damn plane. Horrible contraptions. He was never flying on anything but a broom again, like a proper wizard.

To Remus’ further disgust and Sirius’ delight, when Tonks and Chris met them at the airport, both women hugged the dog and fussed over him before even acknowledging that Remus was even there.

“Who’s a good boy?” Tonks asked Sirius as he rolled over and let her rub his belly. “That was a long plane ride, but you were a good boy, oh yes, weren’t you!”

Sirius let out a happy bark, and tried to lick Tonk’s face, which earned him a death glare from Remus.

“Oh, don’t be so sour, love,” Tonks said, standing up and kissing Remus, which made him feel much better. “So, I know you have a place to stay…but there is always my flat…” She drew a shape over Remus’ chest, then up to his nose, which made him blush.

“Well, er, there is the matter of Blackie,” Remus stammered, his eyes darting down to Sirius.

“Oh, he can come over, I don’t mind, he’s just a dog and a well-behaved one at that,” Tonks said, smiling down at Sirius.

Sirius, however, did his best doggie impression of sheer unadulterated horror. He might like the idea of his best mate and his kid cousin hooking up, but he in no way, shape, or form (especially the canine kind) wanted to be around when they actually WERE together. That was just disgusting.

“I’ll take Blackie in while you two catch up,” Chris offered brightly. “Remus is just moving into staff housing at Hogwarts for a few weeks, and I do like spending time with Blackie.”

“Thanks,” Remus said. “Keep him out of trouble, would you?”

Chris nodded solemnly. “I promise not to let him get up to anything I wouldn’t do.”

Sirius was thinking with his lower brain at that particular moment in time, and missed the clear implication. Or the low five that Sirius and Chris exchanged, along with the conspiratorial grins.

Not five seconds after Remus and Tonks left for her flat to do some “catching up,” Tonks leaned down to Sirius and put a hand to his furry ear. “So, here’s what I’m thinking: you need to reintroduce yourself to Britain, and I have ideas…”

Which was how less than six hours later, Sirius proclaimed his return from atop Gringotts, with Chris running cover for him. They figured that was about enough time for Remus and Tonks to really catch up with one another. They were incorrect, and Tonks was rather irate; she'd nearly gotten the snogging session she wanted when she got an emergency message to report in and track down Megumin from Sirius’ little stunt.

After that, Sirius made himself scarce, not because he was worried about the Aurors catching up to him, but because he had a pretty good idea that Remus was already sore at him, and was probably currently contemplating that perhaps there should be one less surviving Marauder in the world. And he probably wasn’t thinking of paying Wormtail a visit.

Sirius spent the day in a pug on the muggle side of London. He now had what he thought was a pretty good American accent, a dark tan, several tattoos (one a stag, dog, and wolf in board shorts and sunglasses that said ‘Brothers for Life” on his right arm, the other of a dog’s head with a lolling tongue drinking a beer that said ‘Sirius Business’ on his left) his hair dyed blond in a ponytail, and a loud Hawaiian shirt and ‘slippers,’ known as thongs to brits. Even with the police broadcast alerting everyone to the return of the notorious Sirius Black, absolutely no one suspected him.

He even showed several people his ‘Sirius Business’ Tattoo and they had a good laugh about the whole thing.

Once the sun was down, Sirius made his way over to Little Whinging, arriving just as the Dursleys pulled into the driveway in their car. He watched them in his human form, though in his ‘Sirius’ disguise. This was with long, greasy black hair, a goatee, sallow skin, and yellow teeth. In short, he looked like Severus Snape, though with his own features.

He did bother to disguise himself in a porkpie hat and a cheap suit with a red tie, so the sleepy teens didn’t notice him. This was fortunate, as to Megumin and Yunyun, “restraint” didn’t mean not violating the Statue of Secrecy, or calling to aurors. It meant they would have started with the sort of spells that can level houses instead of city blocks.

After waiting for dark, Sirius made the most Sirius mistake of his life up until that point: he decided to try to sneak into the house and lurk outside Megumin’s window. Both to check up on her, and to give her a proper scare. A plan for a prank of truly epic proportions that would have made even James and Lily the Mad proud was percolating in Sirius’ mind. And step one was building up his reputation.

Tossing aside the newspaper he’d been reading, or at least pretending to, Sirius took out his wand, then grabbed the iron bars of the fence around the Dursley’s property to jump over it.

The force of the electrical shock that hit him caused Sirius to yell and be knocked back several feet onto his arse. He sat there, dazed for a moment, as a muggle woman walking her dog went around him.

“Damn Dursleys. Are you alright, sir? That family, so strange. Complete menaces. We should call the Council about that blasted fence of theirs.”

“No, I’m fine,” Sirius assured her. “I’m a family friend. Was planning to pop over for a visit. I guess Megumin wasn’t kidding when she said her Uncle’s security system was something else,” Sirius said, standing and brushing himself off.

The woman made a sour face. “Oh, you’re one of THOSE types. Always hanging around with the Dursleys they are. First it was them and their brats, then it was that crazy Moody. Stay away from me. Come, Fluffles.”

The dog yipped at Sirius, then flounced after her master back home.

“Old Mad Eye, eh?” Sirius said, rubbing his face. If Alastor Moody had been giving Vernon Dursley security tips, this would be more interesting than Sirius had thought.

Sirius, of course, was afflicted with the same malady that caused a complete lack of sense amongst wizards. Namely, that once you can make the universe respond to your whims, you start to develop some very odd notions.

Checking to make sure no one was watching, Sirius snuck up to the front of the house, where he cast a detection spell. Immediately, there was a loud twang, and Sirius swore and barely dodged to the side as a crossbow bolt embedded itself in the asphalt where he’d been standing so hard it sent chips flying up.

“Right,” Sirius muttered, rubbing his thigh where a bit of rubble had struck him. “Mad Eye’s security system. Damn, I’m rusty.”

This time, Sirius cast a spell to enhance his eyesight and sense of smell and hearing. He looked down, and spotted a trip wire. Grinning, he dodged that, and at the same time had to limbo under a second wire. He avoided a rock that looked like it might contain a pressure pad, and tiptoed up to the garage. Very carefully, he used his wand to cut a hole in the door, then waved his wand over it. He didn’t see anything, so stuck his head through, then swore and jerked it back when a swinging circular saw nearly gave him a new haircut.

“Crazy old bastard,” Sirius muttered, half impressed, and half horrified. Megumin lived here?

Slowly, carefully, and painstakingly slowly, Sirius cut a second hole, and disarmed the circular saw, which had reset itself. He was just stepping into the garage, when the door opened. Megumin stepped out, wearing a T-shirt and shorts, and carrying a bag of rubbish to the bins set against the wall. She and Sirius just stood there, gawking at one another for a moment.

For a brief instant, Sirius lost himself. At first glance, Megumin didn’t look that much like her parents. However, a second look showed her facial structure was very similar to Lily's, especially at Megumin’s age. She had the same mischievous sparkle in her red eyes that James had in his green ones, and her dark messy hair did remind Sirius of Jame’s own thick unruly locks. For an instant, tears filled his eyes, and Sirius felt a pang. Maybe this wasn’t the right thing to do. Maybe he should just tell Megumin everything, here and now, and start to catch up on all that lost time.

Then he shook himself. Where was the fun in that?

“BEHOLD!” Megumin bellowed, and all illusion that she was not the daughter of James and Lily Potter vanished. She dropped the bag of rubbish, and struck a pose, her eyes gleaming in the dim light of the garage.  “I AM MEGUMIN! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND SHE WHO WILL AVENGE HER PARENTS BY SLAYING YOU, VILLAIN!”

Sirius did have a big introduction planned, but it had flown out of his hand. Instead, he cackled and raised his arms like he was Dick Dastardly about to commit his daily nefarious deed.  “And I am Sirius Black, the most wanted man in Britain! I have you now, my pretty!”

Then Megumin drew the biggest wand that Sirius had ever seen in her life, and pointed it right at him. “CONFRINGO!”

Sirius barely managed to dodge, diving back out of the hole he’d cut, and swearing as he dinged his leg on it. He fired off a Jelly Legs Jinx, along with a rather creative Jinx he’d invented for special use on Snivellus: the Bat Boogey Jinx. He hit the dirt on the other side just in time, as another Confringo fired out of his escape hatch and blew a second hole in the pavement, this one much larger.

Unfortunately, Sirius had triggered the fire ant trap artfully concealed in the driveway, and howled in pain as the ants swarmed him and started biting. He still had the presence of mind to stand up and fire two more spells, a Bubble Head Jinx and a Nettling Hex, though he did see that Megumin was wobbling around and fighting off bats made of mucus that were assaulting her.

“You think you can stop Sirius Black so easily?!” Sirius thundered, though his voice did squeak a little at the end when an ant bit him in the tenders.

That was when Vernon stumbled out. “I FIXED THE GUN, MAD EYE!” he bellowed, and fired off a double load of bird shot at Sirius.

Sirius did get up a shield that deflected most of the pellets, but one did hit him in the knee, making him wince as he hastily hobbled back. Then the door across the street flew open.

“CONSTANT VIGILANCE!” Alastor Moody cried, charging out of his house, wand held eye, his false eye spinning crazily for all the world to see.

Oh hell. Well, Sirius had already accomplished his mission for the night in seeing Megumin. “You haven’t seen the last of me, Potter! I’ll be seeing you again, very soon!”

Sirius did the only smart thing he’d done that day and apparated the hell away from that death trap.

He found himself in Grimmauld place, and collapsed on the floor, breathing hard, but with a stupid grin on his face. “Well, that wasn’t so bad.”

“Really? Because what I have planned for you will be.”

Sirius winced, and lifted his head to see a scowling Lupin sitting on his rather dusty old couch.

“Er, fancy seeing you here?” Sirius offered.

Remus raised his wand. “Bad dog.”

The howls of pain Sirius let out warmed the cockles of Kreacher’s heart.