Dark Legend of Potter, Chapter 52 (Patreon)

Epilogue Year 2: The Devil Queen’s Curse Upon This School Year!

The wide tapestry of the sky stretched from horizon to horizon, broken up only by the shadows of the mountains to the west. Raising his thumb, Remus Lupin blotted out a bit of Maui’s Fishhook, squinting slightly as he traced it down through the rest of the constellation he’d known as Scorpio growing up. He’d thought there were a lot of stars in the Scottish Highlands  as a boy, but seeing the night sky here in the middle of the Pacific on the Eastern shore of a sparsely inhabited island was an entirely new experience. Normally, the beauty of nature and the wonder of it all was enough to take his breath away.

Instead, he let his hand flop back down to his side, and he let out a heavy sigh. “Sirius, what am I doing with my life?”

A few faint discordant notes for that damn ukulele that Sirius flattered himself he could play (but very much could not) drifted through the night air. “Rejuvenating. Healing. Letting that stress flow out of you.”

Remus gave a noncommittal grunt, and not for the first time pondered going over and ripping the instrument out of Sirius’ hands and then breaking it over his skull. The man really was awful.

“I know, I just… should we be doing more?”

There was a louder than usual twang, and the ‘music’ finally stopped. “Oh? Like what?”

That was the rough part. Remus couldn’t rightly figure out what else he should be doing. “Oh, I don’t know. Something. We’ve done nothing but sit in this beach house for twelve years now.”

“You give surfing lessons, and I’m a trained rescue dog,” Sirius said proudly. “Why, we saved those hikers stuck in that canyon two weeks ago.”

Remus turned to glare at his friend balefully. The effect was somewhat spoiled by the fact that he was glaring at a big black dog that was panting at him happily. “You know what I mean. We’re wizards! We were members of the Order of the Phoenix! Aren’t you bored? Don’t you miss home?”

Sirius gave him a doggy grin, then shifted back to his normal self. “Oh ho, are you missing the ever-shifting eyes of a certain cousin of mine?”

Remus colored faintly and lay back down on his hammock. “That has nothing to do with it. She’s much too young for me.”

“She didn’t seem to think so. And you’re not that much older than her.”

“I’m 13 years older than her! She’s twenty! And she’s your COUSIN! Aren’t you supposed to be protective of her!?”

“Chris seems to think it’s a good idea, and I’m all for you finally having some actual fun,” Sirius said, and started torturing his instrument again.

That made Remus pause. “She was ah, rather for it, wasn’t she? You don’t think…?”

“I do try not to,” Sirius mused. “Bad for your health, that.”

Remus snorted, but his thoughts turned to twelve years ago when he’d first met Chris, and her companion Aqua. The two women had appeared to him in a dream, and informed him that not only was Sirius Black innocent, but that the Damn Rat was alive, and had been the one responsible.

Remus had been hesitant to act and had apparently hesitated long enough that Chris had gotten impatient and shown up on his doorstep. He’d been skeptical at first, until Chris had shown him who she really was: Eris, Goddess of Fortune. Aqua had arrived not long after, and they’d explained to Remus that a prison break was going to happen. He’d gone along, half hoping Sirius was innocent, half disbelieving the entire thing.

Though he did start to wonder if Lily and James hadn’t been quite as crazy as he’d thought they’d been.

Until he’d seen Chris tackle a Dementor and gleefully beat it to death with a stuffed penguin. He hadn’t thought it was even possible for a Dementor to cry, or to be killed, but then he’d seen Aqua dispatch half a dozen of them with a single blow of her fist. Between that and the lethal stuffed penguin, he’d been ready to believe anything.

Sirius had been weeping in his cell, half mad with grief. He hadn’t even responded to Lupin opening the cell (the Aurors on duty had apparently been taking a nap). Then Aqua and Chris had gone over and taken his hands, and he’d slowly looked up.

“It’s OK, Padfoot,” Aqua said, patting his hand. “We’re here to rescue you!”

“Did…did I get him?” Sirius had asked.

Eris had shouldered her penguin and looked smug. “No, but I’ve taken care of it. Oh yes. I can’t wait for that one to happen. Now come on. There’s no way we’re letting you rot in Azkaban for a decade.”

After that, Lupin and his new pet dog moved to Hawaii at the goddess’ urging. The fact that Sirius had escaped from Azkaban had been all over the papers, and Lupin had quietly spread the rumor that he was getting out of town before Sirus tracked him down and killed him too. That had pained him, until Sirius had started writing a series of letters to the Daily Prophet where he used a variety of creative language to imply the awful things he was going to do to Remus when he found him, but mostly amounted to Sirius giving Lupin a wet willy if you knew him well enough.

Just then, the phone rang. Remus frowned and got up, heading over to pick up the phone while Sirius continued his awful playing. In twelve years, the man had only gotten worse. It was almost like he was doing it on purpose.

“Remus speaking.”

“Ah, Mr. Lupin, how has Hawaii been for you?” a familiar and kindly tone said.

Remus straightened up immediately, a smile breaking out on his face. “It’s been good, if a bit dull lately, sir. Good to hear from you. I hadn’t realized you had a phone, Headmaster.”

“Oh, no, I don’t. Never could figure the things out. I’m borrowing one from a friend of yours.”

“Hi, Remus!” Tonks’ voice said happily. “How’s tricks?”

Remus felt himself blushing. “Oh, ‘lo, Tonks. Er, well, been a bit quiet since you left. How have you been?”

Tonks blew a loud raspberry. “Don’t know if you’ve heard, but Hogwarts got blown up again. Been a right mess here.”

The bottom fell out of Remus’ stomach, and he glanced at Sirius, who had picked up the other line and was looking at him wide-eyed. “Hogwarts was destroyed? Wait, again? What’s been happening!?”

“Megumin,” Tonks sighed. “The Headmaster can tell you more about it.”

“Ah, yes, well, it seems that Miss Potter had destroyed Voldemort again. For the third time. It’s remarkable, but I do wish she’d do it somewhere other than school grounds,” Dumbledore said, sounding weary himself.

“Third time!? Wait, do you mean that rumor I heard about her facing him her first year…”

Chris had mentioned something about that during her visit, but had seemed vaguely embarrassed about the whole thing. And, well, Remus had been, uh, otherwise occupied.

“All too true I’m afraid. She has quite a remarkable penchant for finding trouble, and then promptly blowing it up. I fear what will happen in this next school year,” Dumbledore sighed.

Remus’ chest tightened. “Sir, if there’s anything I can do, any way at all I could help…”

Dumbledore chuckled, and Remus suddenly felt as though a steel trap had just closed about him. “Well, now that you mention it, Remus my boy, I am in a spot of trouble. I’m in need of a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor once more. Someone with a good head on his shoulders, who can teach the students how to defend themselves. Preferably without destroying my school.”

“Sir, I’m your man,” Remus said immediately, then winced and backtracked. “Uh, well, if you’d have a werewolf. I mean, I don’t think I’d endanger the students, not with the recent changes, but…”

“Recent changes?” Dumbledore asked. Tonks giggled loudly, and Remus felt himself blushing again. “Well, never mind that. Severus can prepare all the wolfsbane potion you need. I can’t think of a better man for the job.”

There was a sneaking suspicion at the back of Remus’ mind that there was no other man for the job, not at the rate that Hogwarts churned through Defense professors. He blinked, realizing something. “What happened to Lady Aqua? Wasn’t she serving as your Defense Professor?”

Remus Siriusly doubted that any curse could possibly affect Aqua, and he didn’t see how anyone who could beat Dementors to death with her bare hands could be anything but eminently qualified for the position.

“She has, ah, assumed a different professorship,” Dumbledore said, his tone rather odd. Remus had known Dumbledore to keep secrets, but something seemed off about the situation. Still, this was exactly what Remus had been looking for.

“I’ll have my bags packed and take the first flight to Britain in the morning, sir,” Remus said. There was a whine at his feet, and he looked down to see Sirius in dog form, holding a suitcase by the handle in his teeth, staring up at him with puppy-dog eyes. Remus hoped he hadn’t packed the stupid ukulele.

“Oh, one other thing, sir. What’s your policy on pets?”

Sirus’ tail thumped the floor, and Remus grinned. For some reason, he found he was more excited to get to see Tonks again. That was silly. He was doing this to help Megumin in honor of her parents. And not to get laid again.

Somewhere, Chris and Aqua squeed happily.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Once, Knockturn Alley had been a dark and dangerous place, filled with unsavory sorts and a peril to any unprepared witch or wizard that happened down its mislaid cobblestones. Now it was possibly the safest place in Britain, if not the world, though the people there were universally rejects and oddballs.

And none more so than the proprietress of Wiz’s Shop and Sundries, purveyors of the finest edible soaps and portable singing toilets.

They didn’t get a lot of business. Even Wizards have some limits on the nonsense they’ll purchase.

Currently, Wiz was off to one of her only customers and suppliers: Xenophilius Lovegood, who was perhaps the only person in Wizarding Britain with worse product design sense than Wiz herself.

Quite an achievement in a culture that sold earwax flavored candy.

Still, the shop wasn’t empty. A small black cat slept on the counter, her bat wings folded on her back as her owl companion pecked at some owl treats. On the floor, Vanir was just finishing reconstructing the Mirror of Erised, which he’d manage to purchase at a discount, seeing as it had been subject to a Megu-ton Explosion.

When he was finished, he took about a takeout box of fish and chips, still steaming slightly, and placed it before the mirror. “O Queen of Hell and Embodiment of Hunger, thy Familiar calls thee with the appropriate offering.”

Chomusuke looked up from her nap, hopping down as the image in the mirror resolved to that of a little girl with Crimson eyes, dark hair, and a cute little yellow star ornament in her hair. “Hi Vanir!  Where’s my food?”

Vanir reached for the takeout, but Chomusuke let out a loud yowl. He frowned down at the cat. “Moi asked if thou wanted anything when moi went to get the offering, and you said nothing, misbegotten beast! This is for the mistress!”

He handed the box over to the little girl in the mirror, the glass rippling slightly as his white glove hand passed through. Chomusuke looked mortally offended, until her true Mistress picked out a bit of fish and tossed it back out of the mirror. “Here, Chomu! Are you taking good care of my big sis?”

“Yes, mistress,” Chomusuke said, then took the fish and wandered off to go eat it.

The mirror girl dug into her food, smacking her lips. She looked around after a moment and frowned. “Where’s the condiments?”

“I am fresh out of the blood of the innocent, mistress, but I could go catch and unsuspecting child to season thy repast with,” Vanir offered.

“Nah, we’re reformed and stuff now. I was thinking more ketchup.”

“I have vinegar distilled from the shame of middle-aged men,” Vanir offered, holding up a vial that stank of mid-life crisis.

“Eh, that’ll work.” After pouring the distilled embarrassment of going bald and getting fat over her food, the girl quickly polished it off and smacked her lips.

“Right! So what’s the plan to summon me? The stupid goddesses didn’t invite me, but I’m inviting myself!”

“Moi could simply pull thee through the mirror and have done with it,” Vanir pointed out.

“No! I am KOMEKKO! CUTEST LITTLE SISTER OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND SHE WHO WILL GO TO HOGWARTS WITH HER BIG SIS! And I’m not just stepping through a dumb mirror! I already de-aged myself to eleven! And now I want a big, dramatic entrance! What have you got for me?”

Vanir sighed and held up a book, the cover of which read, ‘HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE.’

“Well, Mistress, moi believes that the graveyard scene would be the most dramatic possible moment to summon thee to this world.”

Komekko brightened. “Yeah! I like that! Hmm, does that mean we have to make Big Sis the Champion of Hogwarts?”

“Yes, though due to certain circumstances, moi believes other steps will need to be taken.”

“Oh, like what?” Komekko asked curiously.

“Well, thy sister blew what remained of the foolish man who fancied himself a devil king but was at best a small-town bully to smithereens, and his spirit will not reform without aid for many years. And, of course, the meddlesome goddesses have interfered with the Rat, and likely the son who betrayed his father and replaced the madman.”

“Hmm, I see,” Komekko stroked her chin, which was currently coated in crumbs from her meal. “Chomusuke, can you keep an eye on the Rat and make sure he escapes to find his master?”

“Of course, Mistress. Though currently, the Rat has forgotten he is a man. I shall have to remind him,” Chomusuke said with a yawn.

“Make it painful! His soul will taste extra good when he goes to hell if we season it right!” Komekko said, licking her lips. “Hmm, I guess we’ll have to seek out Voldemort too.” She brightened suddenly. “Hey! What if we have him summon the Queen of Hell to help defeat Megumin?”

Vanir rubbed his hands together gleefully. “Oh yes, Mistress. The shame of that would be delightful! Moi can seek out that mean spirit and nurture it. Moi has a list of the Horcruxes here.”

Vanir held up a copy of THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, proving that JK Rowling still has an audience in hell at least.

“Well, make sure to put it back so Big Sis can go on her scavenger hunt later! I guess I can wait another year. But make sure my entrance is super dramatic and cool!”

“Of course, Mistress. Moi shall also ensure there are sufficient victuals.”

“Perfect! First, Hogwarts, and then THE WORLD!” Komekko declared, then threw her head back and laughed maniacally. Which was rather adorable, considering.

Vanir and Chomusuke joined it, all of them laughing like the Legion of Doom. Until the door flew open and Wiz stepped in. “Vanir, I’m back! You wouldn't believe the lovely collection of Blibbering Humdinger repellent Xenophilius had! I-oh! What are you laughing about?”

Vanir immediately shut his mouth, and Komekko vanished from the mirror. Wiz stepped over, inspecting it. She brightened, adjusting her hair. “Oh, I see myself finding my true love, and we open a lovely little shop together and have a big family!”

“Foolish lich! You cannot even turn a profit with these mad mortals that will buy anything but what you sell! Our profits are naught but sand!”

The two of them started bickering again, even as Chomusuke got back into a basket, which Hedwig picked up and flew back to Little Whinging. The doom of the world had been plotted and planned, and would soon be upon it.

Oh well. It was mostly already doomed anyway. Megumin had already learned Explosion after all.