A Cat is Fine, Too Chapter 6 (Patreon)

Beta’d and edited by The Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

In a far corner of the bar, Megumin stewed with Yunyun and Lolisa, now in human form, as they formulated a plan for sweet, sweet revenge.

“I can’t believe that dream trap didn’t work. You did make the adjustments I demanded, didn’t you?” Megumin growled at Lolisa.

“I did, but, um, just so you know…some guys find boobs that big kind of gross,” Lolisa said, blushing slightly.

Yunyun blushed even deeper, looking down at herself and earning yet another glare from Megumin. “Um, i-is that why you, ah…h-have a figure like Megumin’s, Lolisa? M-men don’t like big chests?”

“I mean, in my experience guys generally like whatever kind of boobs they can get their hands on, but if you make them too big it looks unnatural and it’s a big turn-off. You two are both fine, don’t worry,” Lolisa said dismissively. “I look like this because it’s my natural figure. Sort of.”

“Enough! We need a better plan, because that one didn’t work!” Megumin snarled. “Some sort of way to prove my superiority and win Kazuma over for good! We are here at this bar to plot victory, not argue about boobs!”

Before they continued, the waitress came over. “Three banana fudge specials! Enjoy your treats!”

Megumin eagerly dug into her food, smearing ice cream and chocolate on her nose, while Yunyun ate far more daintily. Lolisa was a bit more exploratory, savoring each bite as though she’d never had ice cream before. Which, as a succubus, was sort of true.

“Mmm! It takes like a cleric’s soul!” Lolisa said, licking her lips happily.

“Hmph. We should have had wine and cheese to plot our revenge,” Megumin grumbled, running her finger along the inside of her bowl and licking off the remains.

“B-but they won’t let us into the real bars, w-we’re too young,” Yunyun pointed out. “Y-you don’t even really like wine and cheese.”

“I do too! I just like ice cream better,” Megumin said, completely contradicting her earlier statement, then trying to use her spoon to steal some of Yunyun’s.

“H-Hey! It’s already my treat! D-don’t steal!”

“You can have some of mine, when I try to eat too much mortal food it gives me indigestion,” Lolisa said, scooting her still mostly intact sundae towards Megumin, who eagerly helped her devour it.

Once the ice cream was gone, Megumin slammed her fist onto the table. “Right! How do we claim victory and- Ah! Yunyun! Stop it!”

“You’ve got i-ice cream on your face,” Yunyun said, gently dabbing at Megumin’s nose with her napkin. “T-there. Ok. So, um, now what?”

“Well, I did ask Chomusuke about sealing Wolbach back inside her, but she refused on the grounds that Wolbach is just a regular elf or something now. So, I think the only proper course is to show that my mastery of Explosion Magic is far superior to Wolbach’s! Once she recognizes that I am the TRUE mistress of Explosion Magic, she will bow before me, and relinquish Kazuma as my prize!” Megumin declared.

Lolisa and Yunyun shared an exasperated glance. “Megumin, I don’t think-”

“Of course you don’t! That’s why I’m the one who comes up with the plans! Now, here’s what we’re going to do…”

Sitting down at the kitchen table, Kazuma looked across at Wolbach, who was blushing and looking back at him. He’d always thought he was more into the little sister types, but there was just something about a mature woman that was different than a little girl. He didn’t feel like he had to babysit Wolbach, instead, she felt like someone he could actually go to with problems and get help and support, instead of being a problem child.

“So, uh, where do we go from here?” Kazuma said.

Wolbach shrugged, then reached out her hand towards Kazuma, which he took. “I don’t know. I’ve never taken a lover before, not in all my long life. But this feels…nice. You’re a pervert, but I kind of like it. And, well, you’re far from boring. Just lazy and destructive enough to be interesting.”

“Thanks, I guess?” Kazuma wasn’t sure how he felt about being called lazy, but then again Wolbach had been the goddess of sloth and destruction so maybe that sort of thing appealed to her. “So, what about…you know…”

“Well…we did do it in a dream…so, perhaps…” Wolbach's fingers tightened, and Kazuma felt his heart begin to race.

Which was why he swore so loudly when the alarm siren went off. “EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! ALL ADVENTURERS REPORT TO THE ADVENTURERS GUILD IMMEDIATELY! EMERGENCY!”

“We could just ignore it,” Kazuma grumbled, putting a finger in his ear and wiggling it as his head still rang.

“Yes, but they’re liable to keep doing that all day if we don’t go in and get them to shut it up. Besides,” Wolbach grinned in a distinctly predatory manner. “I think violence makes me eager now.”

“Well why didn’t you say so? Let’s go kill something!” Kazuma said, hastily strapping on his belt. He looked down at Chunchumaru, frowning. Did he need a bigger sword?

“Don’t worry, I have the firepower. You just hold them still for me,” Wolbach said, biting at Kazuma’s ear and making him yip in surprise. “Come on. Hopefully it’s something more interesting than a bunch of vegetables this time.”

A short time later, they arrived at the bustling Adventurer’s Guild, where Aqua waved them over to where she and Darkness were already waiting. “Kazuma, Kazuma! There’s a big quest! We could get a huge reward for more bubbly!”

“What happened to all your money you got from your ‘girls’ night’ with Wiz and Wolbach?” Kazuma asked.

Aqua puffed out her chest proudly. “You’ll be amazed by this, Kazuma! For once, I didn’t blow it all on bubbly or snacks! No sir! I invested it, for I am a wise goddess!”

Kazuma could already feel his spirits sinking. He knew where this was going, but he had to ask. “And…just what, exactly, did you invest it in? Not another chicken egg…”

“I told you, Emperor Zel is a proud dragon! No, I had an even better idea! I invested it into Wiz’s Shop! Just like you did with Vanir and your weird inventions, I’ll see a huge return on my money and owowowowow! W-wolbach, Kazuma, stop pinching my cheeks! That hurts!”

“Aqua, sweetie, I love Wiz like a sister but she has about as much sense with money as you do,” Wolbach sighed.

“You useless goddess! Giving money to that lich is like pouring wine into the toilet! What was she even going to spend it on!?”

Aqua rubbed her cheeks, glaring at Kazuma and Wolbach in turn. “For your information, it’s a super great product I helped her design! You see, Axis Brand Edible soap has always been popular for being both nutritious and a great way to clean yourself! So, we came up with edible toilet paper! Perfect for a quick snack, or cleaning yourself on an adventure! Neither of us uses toilet paper ourselves, so I was getting Darkness to be our test subject but she won’t do it!”

“Even I am not into that sort of degradation,” Darkness muttered, shuddering slightly.

Just then, a red-faced and panting Megumin ran up to them, Yunyun trailing along behind her and blowing hard as well. “I have arrived! I see my former pet has dragged herself here as well. Do you truly think you can best me today in this quest?”

“Hello, Megumin,” Wolbach said, sighting. “I don’t even know what we’re up against, so let’s just wait and listen first.”

“Mwahaha! Fool, my chosen servant far outstrips you,” Chomusuke bragged, poking her head up from under Megumin’s hat. “You, boy, will have no choice but to return to worshiping me!”

Kazuma just rolled his eyes, then turned as Luna stood up on one of the tables, waving her hands for silence and attention. After a few moments, she got it and explained the situation. “The Kowloon Hydra has woken up, several years earlier than we had anticipated! Somehow, a massive surge of mana accelerated its awakening, and it started to rampage. If something isn’t =done soon, it could destroy the mackerel harvest!”

There were disturbed mutters from the Adventurers, as the locally grown mackerel were one of the cheaper sources of food, and thus a mainstay of their diet.

“I PROPOSE A CHALLENGE!” Megumin shouted, jumping up on her own table and raising her staff aloft. “The hydra is a superior foe, one that can absorb weak blows and heal them instantly! Only a TRUE master of magic could slay the hydra, putting it to rest in a single blow.”

“Uh, that’s why I called for all of you?” Luna said, looking confused. “I’m not sure-”

“THEREFORE! Let those who wield Explosion Magic step forth! We shall have a contest!” Megumin said, grinning madly as she slapped on an eye patch.

Everyone in the guild stepped back, and Megumin smiled as her opponent was revealed. Then started frowning in irritation.

“M-me?” Wiz stammered, almost dropping the case of potions she’d been trying to distribute. “Oh, no, I couldn’t! I don’t really go Adventuring like that anymore, and I have a new product to develop…”

“I didn’t mean HER!” Megumin ranted, pointing her staff at Wolbach. “I meant HER!”

A horrible premonition started to gnaw at Kazuma’s conscience, and he began to feel the pressing need to be anywhere else. Had Megumin seriously revived some sort of cataclysmic monster just for a stupid duel?

However, Wolbach stepped forward, nodding. “Very well. When we first met, you were but the apprentice, and I the master. Let us see how far you have walked along your Path, Megumin, and if the mantle of Goddess of Destruction truly belongs to you now.”

“Uh, that’s not really what this is about…but if one of you can kill the hydra in a single blow, I guess you can have the bounty,” Luna said with a shrug. “As long as the mackerel harvest survives, I don’t particularly care.”

“Yeah, uh, we just realized…we have somewhere else to be,” one of the other party leaders said, and everyone scrambled for the door, with mutters of  “Another crazy explosion girl?!” and “Did you see the knockers on that one!?”

The Adventurer’s Guild was soon cleared out, and Megumin looked down on Wolbach smugly. “Well, shall we proceed, with the true bounty as the prize?”

“Yes, let’s. Wiz, why don’t you come along, to serve as a measuring stick for us? We can make it a picnic,” Wolbach suggested.

“Oh…well, I suppose.” Wiz suddenly brightened. “We could pick some fresh mackerel, and I can show you my recipe for fish cakes!”

“I like fish cakes!” Aqua agreed happily.

“And I shall distract the hydra for you all, keeping it in place why you have your contest!” Darkness said, shuddering and hugging herself at the thought of such a brutal monster.

In the end, they all set out, with Kazuma falling back to talk to Megumin once they were out of earshot from the town gates. “Did you seriously unleash the hydra just for this stupid contest!? You’ve done some crazy things, but this takes the cake!”

“Hmph. You should be flattered that I am willing to go to such extremes for a contest where you are the prize,” Megumin said, sticking her nose up in the air.

“I’m what?!”

“Obviously, once I prove that I am indeed the true Mistress of Explosion Magic, you will return to court me as is proper instead of wasting your time with the overly developed floozy that was once my mentor.”

Kazuma looked at Megumin like she was insane for a moment, then hastily jogged back to Wolbach. “Did you seriously agree to a contest with me as a prize?!”

“Huh?” Wolbach lowered the cranberry scone Wiz had just given her and gave Kazuma a baffled look. “Why would I do that? I mean, I’ve seen mortals hold contests for marriage before, but I always thought it was silly.”

“Then you didn’t realize that Megumin sees this as a way to steal me away from you!?”

“Why would she-” Wolbach shook her head. “Never mind. Of course she would. Hmph. Well, would you pick her over me if she has a better Explosion spell than me?”

“Why would you even ask!? That’s- uh. Well, OK, that’s exactly how I sort of thought it worked with girls before, but…”

“So, you’d rather be with me, even if Megumin is pining for you?” Wolbach teased.

“You’re not the one obsessed with a gag spell,” Kazuma muttered.

“It is NOT a gag spell. Explosion is a wonderful spell. So destructive,” Wolbach looked off dreamily for a moment, then sighed. “Well, I suppose we’ll have to think of a way to talk Megumin out of it. I was just going to pass on my mantle to her and let her be the new Goddess of Destruction.”

“You can do that?” Kazuma asked curiously

Wolbach grinned evilly. “Well, I could get my other half to put a stake in. Goddess or not, she’s still just a cat. Then, if either Megumin or I won, we’d get the divine mantle. I had planned on sandbagging, but…”

“Hmm. I think…I think I have an idea about that,” Kazuma mused. “Do you trust me?”

Wolbach nodded, and Kazuma laid out his plan.

They arrived at the site of the Kowloon Hydra’s devastation not long after, with several fields of mackerel already stripped bare. Half-grown fish flopped feebly in the trampled soil, and the land was withered from having its mana drained to power the hydra. In the distance, they could still see the hydra raging, and Megumin laid out the plan.

“Right, Darkness, you shall lure the hydra within our range.”

“I like this plan!” Darkness said eagerly, drooling slightly as she watched the hydra in the distance devastated another field.

Megumin continued. “Then, as the weakest here, Wiz shall go first, to show what an average Explosion looks like.”

“I’m not weak though,” Wiz said, sounding offended. “And I think my Explosion is rather above average…I am a high-level caster you know…”

“Then, Wolbach shall go next. If she manages to slay the hydra in one hit, then she can claim victory,” Megumin decreed.

“What if Wiz kills it though?” Kazuma asked, finding an obvious hole in the plan.

“Pfff, as if her half-hearted Explosion could ever hope to slay such a beast in one hit,” Megumin scoffed.

Wiz started to cry, and Aqua of all people patted her on the back in consolation.

“Then, I shall fire off my legendary Explosion, slaying the Hydra and proving I am the greatest Archwizard of all time, and claiming Kazuma as my boyfriend!”

“Um, w-what if you don’t kill the hydra though, or it runs away?” Yunyun asked.

“That is obviously impossible. But I suppose you can finish it off or something with your boring regular magic,” Megumin said dismissively.

“Uh, why am I here again?” Lolisa asked, looking nervously at Aqua and Wolbach both.

“Because you shall cast the love spell that shall bind the destinies of Kazuma and myself together!” Megumin said loftily.

“Can you do that?” Kazuma whispered to Lolisa.

“Uh, I think I could probably make you two really horny at the same time, but, well, Love is a good emotion and I’m a demon, so it’s a no-go,” Lolisa admitted softly. “I’m kinda getting nervous, it was bad enough with one goddess around, but Aqua’s just so scary…Though, uh, I’ve never seen a goddess try to comfort a lich before…”

Aqua was currently rubbing Wiz’s back and handing her some of the edible toilet paper, which was dissolving as Wiz cried into it.

“Hold on to plan Horny for later,” Wolbach whispered, making Lolisa jump in fright and Kazuma blush. “You’re kinda odd for a succubus, aren’t you?”

“I, um…well…I’m not very good at my job…Becky says I should stop playing with my food, but…uh…I’ve sorta gone vegetarian I guess,” Lolisa admitted uncomfortably.

“Good girl,” Wolbach said, petting Lolisa on the head. “Keep it up and they’ll be a reward for you, if you help my plan.” Then she stood up and raised her voice. “I accept, on one condition! We put the title and mantle of Goddess of Destruction on the line!”

“That title is not yours to give!” Chomusuke spat, from where she was now riding on Yunyun’s shoulder. “I will reclaim the boy as my minion! He should pay attention to me and my needs!”

“I’ll offer him for unlimited belly rubs and feeding sessions for you if you throw in the mantle,” Wolbach said sweetly.

Kazuma shrugged. It wasn’t like he didn’t have to feed the damn cat sometimes anyway.

“Ha! Fool, my servant will easily best you! Agreed!” Chomusuke declared. “Now, let us begin! Forward, yellow one! But, first, give me the freshest mackerel! I hunger!”

Darkness set off to lure over the hydra, while Chomusuke happily snacked on a mackerel Kazuma brushed the dirt off of and gave to the cat. After a few minutes, Darkness managed to get the hydra’s attention. And, after she let the hydra pound and toss her around a bit, Darkness did her job and lured it in close enough for Wiz’s spell.

“You can do it, Wiz! Show up that dumb has-been and Megumin! You’re the Ice Witch! You’re strong, and you don’t take no crap off of nobody!” Aqua encouraged.

“Just like that toilet paper,” Kazuma remarked.

Wiz nodded tearfully and raised her hands.

“O Sacred Powers of the world, heed my call!

Once more, I bind the eternal void to my hand,

Burning Crimson, upon my foes do fall

Darkness Eternal, sweep through the land!

EXPLOSION!”

A massive blast hit the hydra, and Darkness shrieked happily as she was hit by the shockwave, spreading her arms wide in delight. However, the hydra roared in anger moments later. Two of its many heads had been blasted away, but they began to regrow as it turned towards the new threat.

“Not bad, Wiz. That was an excellent spell,” Wolbach said, patting her on the shoulder. “But let me show you how the one who authored it meant for it to be cast.”

Closing her eyes, Wolbach put her two hands close together to form a pyramid as she began to cast.

Power beyond the twilight

and crimson blood that flows,

Buried in the stream of time

is where your power grows,

I pledge myself to conquer,

all the foes who stand

Before the mighty gift bestowed,

in my unworthy hand

EXPLOSION!

The blast this time was even larger, flatting the hydra and sending a whooping Darkness sailing through the sky to land in a clatter a dozen yards behind them. Kazuma ran over along with Aqua, but the pervy crusader was just moaning and shuddering softly.

“S-so good…I-I’m at my limit! J-just a little more! Mmm, Kazuma would you-”

“No, definitely not,” Kazuma said, standing in disgust. “Just heal her in case we need her again.”

“There will be no need,” Megumin said, nodding to Yunyun. The other girl sighed, and with a quick chant, a stiff breeze began to flow, causing Megumin’s cape to flutter in the breeze dramatically.

“I think it’s dead,” Kazuma said, stepping forward and wincing. He hurried back to Wolbach, who was on one knee and panting hard. He helped her to rise and whispered, “You did hold back, right?”

“No. I realized something. If I did, this is pointless. I’ll still have you, but I can’t let the kid win if I do this half-baked. Sorry,” Wolbach said, smiling at Kazuma sheepishly as she leaned on him. “Besides…even with my best shot…”

The hydra roared, rearing up out of the smoke. More than half of its heads were dead this time, but there were still plenty left, and it was already regenerating. Megumin looked up, a smile on her face.

“Yes. Let it come to this!”

“Megumin, Megumin quickly, before it heals!” Kazuma shouted.

“No,” Megumin said, tilting her hat down. “I’ll show you all my true power.”

The heads finished healing, and the hydra began to charge. Even as Kazuma tried to drag Wolbach away, Megumin raised her staff.

"I who am blacker than darkness,
Who has power deeper than the night!
Hear me, for I am Destruction Incarnate!
The Power of the gods is mine to grasp!
I call upon my power,
And raise my staff on high!:
So all those in equal measure--
Fools that they are to block my path--
Shall face destruction unconstrained
Witness my beauty and power unforetold!

EXPLOSION!”

This time, Kazuma had to duck down and hug Wolbach tightly, both of them desperately clinging to one another as a massive blast tore at sky and earth, and flung it all asunder. Aqua even had to desperately throw up a defensive barrier as pure destructive force washed over them, as Megumin cackled madly.

Then, it was over. When they all looked up, blinking against the dust and smoke filling the air, they saw what was left of the hydra. All its heads were gone, completely destroyed, and the body blown fully in half, with a huge chunk missing. Of course, all the mackerel fields were devastated as well, more thoroughly wiped clean than if a dozen hydras had rampaged through them.

Megumin lay on the ground with Yunyun and Lolisa hovering over her frantically, her eyes closed as if in death.

“Lift her up,” Wolbach croaked, and they did, Megumin still gray and pale.

“Is she…is she alright?” Kazuma asked, feeling dread gnaw at him.

Then Megumin’s eyes popped open. “Did you see!? Did you see that!? That was my most glorious and wonderful Explosion yet! I put everything I had into it! That was far superior to anything anyone has ever done, before or since! I am truly the Mistress of Explosion Magic!”

Wolbach nodded. “You are. You’ve surpassed me in every way. And now…you’re the true goddess of Destruction. Isn’t she, Chomusuke?”

The cat froze, having been in the process of slinking off. “Well, ah, you see, I’m the true goddess of Destruction, so-”

“You promised. And a goddess must keep her word,” Wolbach said with a wide grin. “Plus…I think Kazuma’s ready. How was that fish, by the way?”

“It was…good, I…No! No, you can’t…I…” Chomusuke fell over, snoring softly, the sleeping drug Kazuma had put on the fish kicking in.

“Right. Last time,” Kazuma said, picking up Chomusuke in one hand, and putting the other on Megumin. Wolbach drew a rune on the forehead of each, and Kazuma began his spell. “Drain Touch.”

Megumin gasped, then bucked in Yunyun and Lolisa’s grip, screaming as power filled her.

“Ahhh! Kazuma, w-what are you doing?!” Yunyun cried.

“She’s just being dramatic,” Kazuma grunted. “This doesn’t hurt at all.”

“POWER…SURGING!!!” Megumin bellowed, and jumped to her feet. She looked down at her hands, which were glowing softly. Her hair had changed colors, going from black to dark red, and runes danced across her skin. Her pupils were now black crosses instead of circles, and she was even several centimeters taller. “AH-HA-HA-HA! THIS IS THE POWER OF A GODDESS!”

“Hey, wait, no fair! What did you do?!” Aqua said, striding over and frowning at Megumin. “She’s achieved Apotheosis! I didn’t approve this!”

“He-he-he! Now who’s the real goddess,” Megumin said, poking Aqua in her breast and making her gasp in outrage. “Now I am…I am…” Megumin felt at her chest, and her expression fell: She was as flat as ever.

“THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!” Megumin bellowed, throwing her hat on the ground and stomping on it in anger. “I become the Goddess of Destruction and I don’t go up a cupsize!? I embarked on this path because I wanted to be a powerful mage with a powerful body like Wolbach! She’s not even a goddess anymore and she’s still huge!”

“Uh, I hate to tell you this, but being a goddess doesn’t determine how big your boobs are,” Wolbach said, sounding as though she was fighting back laughter. “Just ask Eris.”

“She pads,” Aqua said darkly.

“Grrr!” Megumin clenched her fists, then sighed. “Well, I won. So now Kazuma has to be my boyfriend.”

“Actually…here’s the thing,” Wolbach bent,  picking up Megumin’s hat and dusting it off. “The only reason I can have Kazuma as a lover is because I’m not a goddess any more. Our power…well, it comes at a price. If you do take a mortal man as a lover, that’s it. No more divine power. Poof. All gone.”

“What?! B-but…but this can make my Explosions even more powerful, right!?” Megumin demanded.

Wolbach nodded. “Back when I was a goddess, that Explosion you just created? That would have been one of my smaller ones. Now? Well, you saw. Even a mortal can outdo me. Just think how big yours would be now that you have a divine mantle…”

“Hmmm…” Megumin considered this, then gave Kazuma a sorrowful look. She stepped forward, kissing him lightly on the lips and making him jump in shock. Then she stepped back, looking teary eyed but stoic. “I’m sorry, Kazuma. Our love was never meant to be. I have to choose between my two great loves…and I’m afraid…I’m afraid I just love Explosions more.”

“I, uh, I know. It’s alright. I’ll…find a way to soldier on,” Kazuma said, trying not to roll his eyes.

“Very well.” Megumin nodded, then raised her staff. “Come, my minions! Onward to glory! I have a religion to found, and a Devil King to destroy!”

“Uh, I’ll just, er, stay here, then,” Lolisa said, giving Megumin a nervous wave. “Since, uh, you know, goddess, demon…it would never work out…”

“Nonsense! You’ll be my herald of Destruction!” Megumin put a hand on Lolisa, which made the demon squeak, then gasp as a burning halo formed over her head, and red wings sprouted from her back. “You can be an angel of destruction instead of a dumb succubus! Now come on!”

“Uh, OK. Do, er…do you think Dust would like my wings better now?” Lolisa asked, trailing after Megumin.

“Even better, I’ll teach you how to Cast Explosion and you can really win him over!”

As they walked off, Aqua hurrying up to start to lecture Megumin about how she was still just a junior goddess, Yunyun came over to Wolbach.

“Um, so…goddesses…can they still have friends?” she asked nervously.

“Of course. And,” Wolbach leaned in close and whispered, “There’s a bit of a loop hole on the whole lovers thing. Just ask Artemis about her ‘hunters’ and what that’s really about.”

“Uh, sure, OK!” Yunyun nodded, clearly not understanding, and hurried off after Megumin.

Wiz and Darkness wandered after them, and that left Kazuma and Wolbach alone in a field of devastation, the corpse of the hydra behind them.

“So, uh, what about us?” Kazuma asked.

“Well,” Wolbach said, tracing a finger over Kazuma’s chest. “I was right. Violence does make me horny.”

“Really!?”

“Yes…but I also really don’t want to do it here. Let’s just go back to the mansion, and we’ll see about that whole lovers thing,” Wolbach teased.

They raced back to the mansion as fast as they could, losing their clothes even before they made it to the bedroom. It turned out, some things were even more fun in person than in a dream, though neither of them had a clear idea of what they were doing and they mostly made an unsatisfactory mess.

“I think I love you, you know,” Wolbach said, kissing Kazuma tenderly as they lay together, hot and sweaty on top of the covers.

“I think I love you too,” Kazuma sighed.

“Well, I hope your love can survive poverty, because when I’m done with you, both of you won’t have an eris between you!”

Kazuma and Wolbach yelped and sat up in bed, trying to cover themselves as a red faced Luna stalked forward.

“L-Luna! What are you-”

“Kazuma, what did I tell your party to do?” Luna asked sweetly, fury burning in her eyes.

“To, uh, to destroy the hydra?” Kazuma ventured.

Luna picked up a discarded blanket and tossed it at them. “No, I said to save the mackerel harvest. Putting the hydra back to sleep or driving it off would have been enough. BUT WHAT DID YOU DO!?”

“Uh, technically, that was Megumin,” Wolbach said, raising a hand in protest.

“Megumin just skipped town. And she was broke anyway. But you two? You have assets I can repossess. Right boys, everything but the clothes on their back!” Luna yelled.

“But we’re naked!” Kazuma and Wolbach wailed.

They ended up being able to salvage one outfit each, but everything else was stripped bare. They were even tossed out of the mansion, as Luna pressured the owner into “punishing” the two of them.

Dejectedly, Kazuma and Wolbach sat beside the road, huddled together as their earthly possessions were carted away.

“I…I still love you,” Wolbach said quietly, taking Kazuma’s hand. “We can make it together, somehow.”

“Yeah. I…if I do have to start over…I’m glad it’s with you,” Kazuma agreed. They held hands and kissed, even as the kotatsu was hauled away, the last thing they owned.

“Well! That should cover part of your debt,” Luna said brightly, coming up to them. “Now. I’m not letting a powerful archmage with an actual head on her shoulders or Kazuma out of my hands. I have a BIG backlog of quests.”

“Oh piss off!” Kazuma snapped.

“You’ve taken enough from us, why should we work for you!?” Wolbach demanded.

Luna smiled sweetly, and held up a key. “Because I have a small shack you two can stay in, and if you agree to work off your debt, I won’t garnish your wages too badly. It’s that, or I sell you both into slavery in El Road and rid myself of you forever!”

Kazuma and Wolbach exchanged startled glances, then bowed to Luna. “We’ll take the shack!”

A short time later, they found themselves alone in a barebones shack down by the river. The bed in the corner wasn’t much more than a pile of clean straw and some blankets, and the floor was hard packed earth. The walls at least kept the wind out, though there were a few cracks that Kazuma knew he’d end up having to repair before winter came. There were a few chipped clay mugs and some wooden plates, but not much else.

“From a goddess, reduced to this,” Wolbach sighed, looking around the room.

“Yeah, uh…not exactly what I had planned either,” Kazuma admitted. He grimaced when he found the “toilet” which was an old wooden bucket.

“I’d say we should skip town too, but…I’m not exactly in the mood for another long trip,” Wolbach said. She gave Kazuma half a smile. “Well, I guess we can try and improve it a little, right?”

It turned out the various skills Kazuma had picked up as a part-time construction worker came in handy, and his old boss was all too happy to give him some cast off materials in exchange for a few days of work. By the end of the week, he’d patched all the holes, made a couple of stools and a small table, and even a decent bed. Wolbach provided the bedding, having taken a quest to go kill some Sheep In Wolf’s Clothing. Because of course, sheep were actually deadly carnivores that dressed up like wolves, infiltrated packs, and slaughtered all the wolves.

“That doesn’t look too bad, does it?” Kazuma said, looking proudly at his new handiwork. The bed was just leftover wood, and it was only about the size of a twin, but it beat sleeping on straw.

“Yeah, it’s not bad,” Wolbach agreed. Then she grinned at him. “Help me test it out?”

The bed turned out to be sturdy enough, and over the coming weeks it got enough use that Wolbach ended up pregnant. Not even Luna was cruel enough to garnish their wages then, though Kazuma had started to suspect she was keeping Wolbach around as an “emergency button” to press whenever she had a quest that was too hard for the average adventurer.

They heard stories about the new Goddess of Destruction, Megumin, and her “followers” defeating the rest of the Devil King’s generals, and around the time Kazuma and Wolbach’s first child was born, the Devil King was defeated by a Explosion of such magnitutde that they felt it in Axel.

A week later, Megumin returned, triumphant and loaded with the spoils of victory. Which wasn’t much, as she’d blown up most of them.

“Bwa-ha-ha! I have returned, mortal fools!” Megumin bragged, striding into the Guild hallwith a fancy new cloak and hat, along with a new staff and some gold jewelry. She paused when she saw Kazuma and Wolbach sitting in a corner, a two month old baby in Kazuma’s arms.

“Well it’s about time!” Kazuma said. “Come over and meet Sato Jr.”

“You had a kid!?” Aqua popped up, looking delighted, and raced over, taking the baby from Kazuma’s arms. He wanted to stop her at first, but the baby was soon giggling as Aqua cooed over it. Apparently, she was good with kids.

“Wait, why are you still here?” Wolbach said, frowning at Aqua.

“What do you mean? I had to come say hi to you guys, and this is where they serve the best bubbly in Belzerg!” Aqua said, looking up as Megumin sat down, Yunyun and Lolisa going over to put in their order.

“But you defeated the Devil King, right?” Kazuma said. “So, aren’t you, you know…free?”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m taking a vacation! I’ll do some adventuring later. Right now, I deserve a break!” Aqua decreed.

Kazuma and Wolbach shared a look. Apparently, Aqua had forgotten she was allowed back into Heaven now. Or just didn’t care. “Right. Where’s Darkness?”

“Oh, she met a Black Knight, they’re off in Elroad fighting dragons or something. He’s all intimidating and stuff but Humphry is a real sweetheart really,” Aqua said with a shrug. She was rocking the baby now, and Junior was rapidly falling asleep. “Darkness is into it though.”

“Enough about that, Kazuma, have you seen my truly amazing Explosions now!?” Megumin demanded. “Now that I am a true goddess, and have converted the Crimson Demon Clan to my religion, I can make Explosions that surpass the bonds of reality!”

“That’s nice. It’s good to see you again though, Megumin. It was a little quiet around here without you,” Kazuma said.

“Yes, and there’s something we need to talk about,” Wolbach agreed.

“Oh, what’s that?” Megumin asked.

Kazuma and Wolbach grabbed Megumin at the same time, and began peeling off her jewelry.

“Ow! Hey, that’s mine, stop it!” What are you doing?!”

“You still owe us for that Mackerel Harvest you destroyed!” Kazuma ranted. “We have to live in a stupid hut! Luna takes half our wages most of the time!”

“I could have lived a life of luxury if I wasn’t in debt up to my pointy ears because of that stupid contest!” Wolbach snarled, ripping a golden bangle off of Megumin’s arm.

“H-hey, that wasn’t my fault, I-”

“Oh, Megumin,” Luna purred, appearing behind her and making them all freeze. She held up a bill. “I’ve been waiting for you.” She slapped the paper into Megumin’s face. “You’ve been served! You owe me 1,500,000,000 eris!”

“W-what!? But the bounty for killing the Devil King was only 2,000,000,000!” Megumin said, peeling the bill off.

“Then you’ll have 500,000,000 left over,” Luna said firmly. “Pay up.”

“Uh, well, um, there was some…slight property damage along the way,” Megumin admitted. “And the fees for registering a new religion…”

“Plus the fines for egging the Cathedral of Eris,” Lolisa added, coming over with the food and sitting down with Yunyun. Kazuma noticed they were holding hands, and that Lolisa had lost her halo. Well, at least they’d both made a friend. And hadn’t ended up with Dust.

“I-In total, um, Megumin has only 10,000 eris to her name,” Yunyun provided.

“You can help me, right Yunyun!? The Cult of Bakuretsu has funds, doesn’t it!?” Megumin said, kneeling on the floor and clutching the hem of Yunyun’s robe.

“Ah, the church's funds are separate from the goddesses' personal accounts,” Lolisa explained. “We were very careful of that. We can’t be held liable for your or your followers actions.”

“What?! NOOOOO!” Megumin wailed as Luna took the last of her jewelry.

“I’ll just garnish your wages too. Sounds like you have your old party member back, Kazuma!” Luna said brightly, then walked off.

Chomusuke poked her head out from under Megumin’s robes. “I smell food. I demand food!”

Kazuma offered a bit of his fish, and Chomusuke accepted it.

“Looks like we’re right back where we started,” he sighed as Aqua started in on her first bottle.

“Not quite,” Wolbach said, and took his hand. She leaned in close. “I’m pregnant again.”

Kazuma started crying. Tears of joy, of course.

The End.

Author’s Note

There. That’s the Wolbach route done. It only took me seven months.