Legend of Galactic Zeroes, Space Battles Approved Edition (Patreon)

Commissioned by my patron Shaderic

Beta’d and edited by the Grand Cogitator and Dr_Feelgood

Despite being a bunch of crazy “pirates,” Kazuma had to be impressed with the Crimson Demons’ engineering skills. Not only was their ship basically a massive spaceborn mecha carrier that also boasted enough guns to deep fry a planet, but it honestly looked completely sick. Sure, the giant sunglasses on the front of the ship made it look like a Gurren Lagann rip off, but considering what he called his own mecha he was in no position to complain. Besides, that was basically the best super robot show ever in Kazuma’s opinion, even if he firmly believed the ending was trash. He would take better care of his best girls.

The other part that had earned his respect was what they had done to the Axis Queen.

“Noooo! My baby! My beautiful baby!” Aqua wailed, pressing her face up against the dropship's viewport as her former ship drew close enough to see. While previously Aqua’s ship had been a gaudy mess, it was now a sleek, deadly looking ship that lacked the massive number of cannons of the Dread Pirate Crimson, the Axis Queen now had at least some impressive engines and shielding, along with some point defense lasers.

“Looks like they managed to make it not useless. Maybe I should drop you off with the Crimson Demon Engineers for a few weeks and see if they can improve you,” Kazuma told Aqua, which made her cry and try to hit him. He managed to dodge most of the hits, but one glancing blow made his arm go numb, and later he’d have a welt the size of a grapefruit. He sort of forgot that she was pretty strong most of the time.

“Crimson Demons are the finest engineers in the galaxy! And I am the Foremost Genius among them!” Megumin bragged, puffing out her chest, where ‘Chomusuke’ poked out of the zipper of her jumpsuit.

“Well, you made my ship all ugly and mean looking! It’s not fair! And I bet you even took out my hot tub and feather bed!” Aqua whined.

“We are going into combat. Such luxuries do not belong aboard a warship,” Darkness said, shaking her head as they drew close to the airlock on the Axis Queen.”

“Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves! I like my creature comforts as much as the next guy,” Kazuma said. “They at least left the arcade cabinets, right?”

“Um, we did have to get rid of some nonessentials…the power systems were kinda a mass, and, um, well…most of it seemed like junk we could sell for salvage,” Yunyun said from the pilot’s chair.

“Let’s face it Aqua, your ship needed some refits for our current mission,” Chris said, turning from her place as the co-pilot and winking at Aqua.

“But I spent all my money on that ship!” Aqua cried, putting her head in her hands. “All my bonuses from Employee of the Month! Gone!”

“W-well, if it makes you feel any better, um, we did use most of the money from the salvage to upgrade the engines, shields, and weapons, so, uh, the value is mostly unchanged,” Yunyun offered as the two ships docked together.

Aqua scrambled down the docking tube as the others followed her, and they found themselves in an entirely different ship. The gilt and fine carpets and marble were gone, replaced with much more utilitarian padding and metal. The entire layout seemed to have been ripped out, then replaced with much more spartan living quarters of far smaller size, as well as a dedicated engineering bay with a far more practical setup.

However, one thing above all offended Aqua.

“It’s RED!” Aqua said, looking aghast at the interior decor. Indeed, everything had been painted in either crimson or black, which wasn’t the most eye searing combination ever, but it did get a little dull and boring.

“Well duh,” Megumin said, shrugging. “We are the Crimson Pirate Clan after all.”

“I-I did want to paint part of it pink, o-or paint different sections other colors to make them easier to distinguish, but, um…I got overruled,” Yunyun said with a sigh.

“I can live with the stupid weapons and the cheap furniture, but I refuse for my ship to have such a stupid color scheme!” Aqua huffed, pulling out a bandana and tying it over her hair. She grabbed her jumpsuit and ripped it off, causing Kazuma to cover his eyes in panic. However, it turned out she was fully dressed in a baggy and stained T-shirt and overalls under that, and was now somehow holding a paint roller with an entire bag of painter’s tools at her side.

“Ooo, can I make a request for something in silver and green?” Chris asked hopefully.

“I would not mind something with yellow and white, I favor those colors myself,” Darkness added.

Megumin shook her head. “No! Crimson and Red are the most dramatic colors! I demand they stay!”

“I’ll leave a section that color, don’t worry,” Aqua said, starting to plop down some buckets of paint. Where was she getting those from? And Kazuma was pretty sure the answer wasn’t just “nanomachines.”

“Well, you’ve got…how long until we get to Alcantrettia?” Kazuma asked Yunyun.

“With the new engines…about 14 hours, i-it’s just another moon in orbit, but, um, it’s at the far side of the planet right now.”

They didn’t leave right away, though Aqua did get right to painting. They had to load on some supplies and even take on some support staff, most of whom Aqua immediately wrangled into her painting project. One set, however, Kazuma and Darkness needed to address directly.

“Sir Kazuma, it is my pleasure to serve aboard this vessel with you,” Mitsurugi said, saluting Kazuma as the two gum flavors glared daggers over his shoulders.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Kazuma said, reflecting the glares right back. “Why did you even come aboard?”

“Why, Lady Lalatina needs a bodyguard, as do you as her future consort,” Mitsurugi said. He stepped closer, putting a hand on Kazuma’s shoulder despite Kazuma’s attempt to slide away, ending with Kazuma pinned up against the wall. “But I look forward to serving you very…personally. I remember our time together and-”

Mitsurugi let out a yip as Darkness grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him back. “While I have agreed to share Kazuma, it is not with you.”

“L-lady Lalatina, I must confess, I have to apologize, but, ah, while I am no longer seeking to court you, I assure you that I have nothing but respect for your wishes. However, can you not see the bond of love between brothers in arms?”

“Way to name two fetishes I am very much not into,” Kazuma grumbled. He glanced at the two girls, who looked offended (and very turned on).

“You should be honored by Sir Mitsurugi’s attentions!” the pink one said.

The green one nodded. “Yes, clearly you two were meant for one another!”

“And if you both decide you need an heir…”

“We would be honored to bear Sir Mitsurugi’s child!”

Darkness looked angry enough to chew rocks, or beat these interlopers within an inch of their lives. Megumin and Chris were thankfully elsewhere, but if they had been nearby Kazuma would have given even odds these three would be either sucking vacuum or full of new breathing holes.

“Tell you what, Mitsurugi, old pal,” Kazuma said, gently guiding Darkness’ arm down until she let the man go. “I have quarters, near mine, that are perfect for you. We’re short on space, so your two friends will have to bunk with you.”

That instantly got all three of their attentions, though Mitsurugi frowned at the gum flavors. “I…am not certain I want to share our bunk with ladies, it would not be appropriate.”

Kazuma and Darkness shared a look, and both blushed. Kazuma actually had three roommates, and only one bed. It was a big bed, but still. “Not to worry, not to worry, I’ll show you right there.”

Kazuma led them through the corridors, past Aqua’s painting project. Megumin was directing it, and they had to stop and gawk for a moment at the breathtaking tableau featuring the battle against Wolbach. Despite it being only ordinary paint, the weapons seemed to glow, and the mecha move as Aqua illustrated the details. Kazuma even looked fairly heroic, and thankfully Aqua had picked a moment where Mitsurugi wasn’t involved, instead Kazuma and Darkness were fused and in a somewhat compromising position.

“It’s not bad,” Mitusrugi commented, “But shouldn’t I be there, heroically standing with Kazuma, as he pours his power into me?”

“Yeah let’s get you to your bunks,” Kazuma said as Megumin turned in a fury.

Aqua, however, only glanced over. “Wait, who’s that?”

“No one you need to worry about,” Darkness told her, shepherding the two girls along. She looked angry still, but interested in what Kazuma was doing.

“Right, here’s your room,” Kazuma said, shoving Mitsurugi into a small chamber. He motioned Darkness to push the girls in as well.

“Hey, this doesn’t look like a bedroom,” Mitsurugi commented. “There’s not even a bathroom.”

“Oh, you’ll find it,” Kazuma said, slamming the outside button to close the door. He pushed a few more buttons, and an alarm blared.

“Hey, this isn’t a bedroom!” Pink wailed.

“This is an escape pod!” Green shouted.

Mitsurugi pressed his face up to the glass as Kazuma and Darkness waved cheerily goodbye. “Kazuma! How could you! Or…or do you love me so much, you cannot bear to see me go into battle?”

Kazuma rolled his eyes, then grabbed Darkness and pulled her into a kiss. She drew him close, leaning down and passionately returning the kiss. Kazuma held up his middle finger to MItsurugi as the escape pod launched, sending all three of his headaches somewhere deep into Axel’s deserts.

“That was a low, vile thing to do to your rival,” Darkness giggled, running a finger down Kazuma’s sternum.

“If he was just my rival I could have tolerated it. But he was your rival, so fuck him,” Kazuma said, groping Darkness’ rear end hard. “Or rather, I’d rather fuck you instead.”

“Oh, how forward of you! Would you take me, here and now, to assert your dominance?” Darkness asked hopefully.

“Later. Right now we’ve got to make sure that we don’t show up at Arcanrettia and get our face punched in. Not too late to just take this on a joy ride, right?”

“We wouldn’t last long without fresh water, and I will not abandon our duty,” Darkness said firmly. Then she blushed again. “Though…we do have a long flight…and a state room…”

“Where’s that stupid jerk and his flunkies?!”

Kazuma and Darkness both jumped as Megumin stomped in, wearing a pair of overalls and a red shirt along with a floppy red cap, which made her look an awful lot like a deranged version of Mario. It would have been a mystery as to where she got the outfit, but Kazuma had a pretty good idea it was Aqua since the entire painter’s crew were wearing matching outfits just like  it.

“Oh, we spaced them,” Kazuma said, jerking a thumb to the empty escape pod.

Megumin’s eyes gleamed. “Really? I didn’t think the two of you had it in you.”

“We put him in an escape pod. He is one of my vassals, I wouldn’t kill him just for hitting on me,” Darkness said in exasperation. Then she frowned. “Though if he keeps hitting on Kazuma I’m not adverse to sending him on a series of suicide missions.”

“Oh. Well, the point defense systems do need a test if he’s not too far away,” Megumin mused. When Darkness glared at her, she shrugged. “We could always have you take the shots if we don’t want him to actually die. No? Oh well. Darkness, Chris wants you to go help her with the crew roster since you’re technically in command of the ship.”

“Ah, yes. Well, duty calls,” Darkness sighed, giving Kazuma and Megumin both a quick kiss on the cheek before heading off down the corridor.

Kazuma watched her go, until he realized Megumin was watching him. “What? If you want to go do some target practice on Mitsurugi, I won’t stop you.”

“I am merely wondering if you are so distracted by her butt, that is so large I wonder sometimes how she fits in her cockpit, that you would ignore the other girl right in front of you,” Megumin said, turning away and folding her arms over her chest.

“Oh what, jealous? I’m sure she’d let you spank her if you wanted to,” Kazuma snorted.

“Hmph. Well, I was going to ask you for something, but perhaps you should simply go paint like the rest of the cretins,” Megumin said.

“Hey, I’m not ignoring you, I just…” Kazuma sighed and walked over to Megumin, who turned away from him, still looking upset. “Look, I know you’ve not always been so enthusiastic about this…thing we have going.”

Megumin remained silent, but nodded slightly.

“I took a peek in our cabin and they didn’t toss all of Aqua’s liquor. Come on, let’s get a drink and talk.”

Megumin looked up, startled. “You would treat me as an adult?”

“I mean if you were actually jailbait this wouldn’t be happening, and we’re in international waters now. Or, uh-”

Megumin laughed and flounced off. “Space is not an ocean, Trashzuma, but I will consent to having a drink with you.”

Kazuma followed her to their state room, which was already redecorated. It was actually rather opulent for a warship, with a large bed, a couch and some chairs, and a small private dining table. There was also an attached private bathroom, though none of it was even as large as Darkness’ sitting room in the ducal palace.

There were also touches that let Kazuma know that the room was meant for all three of the girls, from a red workbench with Megumin’s various weapons diagrams on it, to a shield with the crest of the Dustiness family on the wall, and Chris’ collection of lockpicks laid out neatly on a dresser. Then Kazuma saw the poster of Kurumi Tokisaki from Date-a-Live in a maid uniform on the wall, and hastily ran over to take it down.

Sure, it was an exact copy of the one in his room, but why had Aqua felt the need to put it up here!?

“So, that was yours then?” Megumin snickered, sliding between Kazuma and the poster. “I wondered who this member of the Crimson Pirate Clan was, and why she had on a maid outfit. And why she’s flashing her panties.”

“Um, this is a mistake, we should, uh, just take that down and put it somewhere safe,” Kazuma said, trying to push past Megumin to get it down. Even if Kurumi looked very sexy, and Date-a-Live was Kazuma’s favorite anime. If someone asked, he’d say something cool like Gurren Lagan, or something pretentious like Evangelion, but he was a sucker for dumb ecchi harem shows.

“So, is this your ideal woman,” Megumin asked, grabbing the poster before Kazuma could and skipping away to examine it. “One who flaunts her body, and is overly developed?”

“She’s uh, not actually that stacked, I have a much better poster with her real cup size at home,” Kazuma said before he fully thought it through.

“Oh?” Megumin paused, holding the poster up and examining it more carefully, pursing her lips. Then she turned to Kazuma. “And what if I demanded that you dress up in such a becoming outfit?”

“What, like a butler one?” Kazuma asked, speculatively.

Megumin rolled up the poster and sighed. “I do not have the same fetishes as you do, Kazutrash. No, I have a different idea for your garb.”

To Kazuma’s surprise, Megumin went over to her bag, and got out a folded pair of clothes, passing them to him with a blush. “Perhaps I will look favorably upon you if you were to wear these.”

Kazuma took the clothes, then an idea popped into his head. “If I wear these…would you wear an outfit for me?”

“Hmm. I think Chris still has her barmaid uniform, and our sizes are similar. I suppose I might consider it, though I would think Darkness would be more into this sort of roleplay,” Megumin said, blushing. She glanced at the poster, then nodded. “Yes. I suppose I can try.”

Suddenly excited, Kazuma took the clothes and hurried into the bathroom. He started to change, then paused when he realized just what the clothes were. Really, he should have known. There was a long black cloak with crimson liner, a jacket with a red skull and crossbones on the chest, white pants, three belts, and of course, an eye patch. There was even a blue hilted rapier.

It was, in short, a Captain Harlock costume.

For a moment, Kazuma was giddy with glee, then he froze. There was no way Megumin could ever find out that he had cosplayed as Captain Harlock at a couple of conventions. Sure, his costume had been off the rack and this looked like a high quality outfit that you could actually wear, but it would still be embarrassing for people to see him in this.

However…he was also pretty sure that if he did a sufficient impression of Captain Harlock, Megumin would be over the moon about it.

It took a bit of doing to get the outfit on, with all the extra bits and bobs and more belts than was at all practical, but Kazuma got it on properly, even the eye patch. He knocked on the door, which made him feel kinda silly, and asked, “Megumin, are you changed?”

“Yes, ‘master.’”

Taking a deep breath, Kazuma threw open the door, putting on his best glower, and stopped into the room. He froze for a moment when he saw Megumin dressed in the maid outfit, giving him a clumsy curtsy. “Welcome home, ‘master,’” she said in the very best tsundere maid character voice.

Well, actually, it was more her normal voice when she was being scornful, but she certainly nailed it, complete with her luminescent blush.

Clearing his throat, Kazuma threw back his cloak and struck a dramatic pose. “I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie! The truth is, the Space Devil King has become our worst enemy. They've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. I am Captain Kazuma, and I command the crew of the pirate ship Axis Queen. The time has come for all mankind to take a stand…”

As Kazuma spoke, Megumin jerked upright, and was staring at him open-mouthed. He stumbled over a word or two, thinking she was going to mock him, until a huge grin blossomed over her face and she clapped her hands to her cheeks, looking almost star struck. When he finished, she ran over, grabbing him excitedly.

“Yes! That is exactly the sort of introduction that a Crimson Pirate should strive to give! Those sort of dramatic pronouncements are the sort of super cool speeches that show your foes and friends alike how cool you are, and that you are a truly worthy foe!”

“I, uh, thanks. You, um, look cute,” Kazuma mumbled.

“Just cute,” Megumin said, stepping back. She blushed, and pulled up her skirt for a moment, giving Kazuma an eyeful.

“Beautiful,” Kazuma amended, his voice suddenly husky.

“Hmph. Well. Then I suppose I will give my Captain permission to kiss me.”

This time, there were no interruptions, though there were still several mistakes. At the end of it, Kazuma and Megumin were panting and breathless, and Kazuma could finally officially state he wasn’t a virgin even in the technical sense any longer.

Shortly after they were done, Megumin hurried off to the bathroom, and Kazuma sat there, feeling dazed for a minute. Megumin came out with some small towels and had him help her clean both himself up and the mess they’d made on the bed. That done, she lay down and pulled him beside her.

“Well. How was your first experience? Am I not truly the foremost genius among this harem, having crossed the finish line with both you and Chris first?”

“What, is this some sort of competition to you?” Kazuma asked, feeling a bit hurt.

She nodded smugly. “Obviously. I have claimed your seed first, and thus am your first true lover.”

“I mean I guess- OH SHIT!”

Kazuma sat bolt upright, his heart thundering.

“What? What?” Megumin demanded, jumping out of bed and looking around like a frightened cat.

“I, I finished in you! What if you get pregnant!?” Kazuma said, clutching his head in his hands.

Megumin looked at him incredulously, then snarled and poked him in the chest. “Oh? Do you find the thought of having a child with me so repulsive?!”

“No, I mean, I’d love to have kids with you, they’d be super cute and I hope it’s a girl because little girls with dark hair and red eyes are just the most adorable, but you’re only 18 and I’m 20! We’re not ready to be parents! And we’re fighting a war! Oh shit, did I fuck up?”

Megumin regarded him for a moment. “So, you are pleased at the thought of me bearing your first child?”

“Well, I mean…yeah, that does sound pretty hot,” Kazuma admitted.

“Too bad, I’ll have Darkness’ daughter first,” Megumin informed him, causing Kazuma to blink at her rapidly.

“Uh, I can’t decide if that’s the hottest thing I’ve ever heard, or if I should be offended.”

She rolled her eyes. “I am on birth control. I am not an idiot. I have an implant to prevent pregnancy. I, ah, have not had cause to need it before now, but…well. Anyway, as Darkness is the noblewoman, I must bear her child first. I do promise to have yours next, then probably Chris’, though perhaps I should simply use an incubator, I do not wish to spend several years of my life bloated and uncomfortable.”

“Oh, uh…” Kazuma scratched his head. “So…we can just have sex whenever we want?”

“Yes, but I do not think my distraction will keep Darkness busy much longer and there is work to be done,” Megumin said, going over and picking out some far less sexy but probably more comfortable underwear from a dresser. “Get dressed, we cannot simply laze about in bed all day.”

Kazuma nodded, going over to get his own clothes. He paused, then went over and pinched Megumin on the bottom as she was bent over, making her squeak and jerk upright. He kissed her. “Love you.”

“Um, yes. Love you too,” Megumin mumbled, then kissed Kazuma. Then he pinned her to the dresser.

“K-Kazuma!”

“Hey, I’m already at half mast, and what’s another minute or two?” he said.

Megumin glared at him, then turned around and bent over the dresser. “Fine. I suppose I will consent to-AH! Yes! Faster!”

The second time was longer and sloppier and they both had to clean up in the bathroom afterwards, then sneak out of the room like a pair of kids afraid they’d be caught stealing cookies. Kazuma poked his head out of the door first, then seeing  a clear passage, motioned for Megumin to follow as they both tiptoed out.

“So, how was it?” Chris asked, seeming to appear behind the door from nowhere, grinning with her arms crossed as she leaned against the wall.

“I, uh, we were just um,” Kazuma began, stammering and feeling self conscious.

“We did it twice. He is not as skillful as you with his fingers, but it was a very different experience. Also, I win,” Megumin said, smiling smugly at Chris.

“Well as long as you enjoyed yourselves. It certainly took you both long enough, I had to cover for you like three times! Come on, we’re ready to launch,” Chris said, standing and striding off towards the bridge.

The ship had been transformed, earning some mutters from Megumin that she liked the old color scheme better, though even she had to admit that the new murals and color scheme were quite pleasing. Aqua had even gone with a special color scheme for each sector of the ship, with crew quarters being a warm earth tones, life support the blue of a babbling brook, the mech bay sharp angles and metallic colors, and the bridge professional grays and whites, with various other sections painted to show their purpose at a glance.

On the bridge, Darkness was waiting along with Yunyun, and she nodded to them both. “There you are, I’m glad to-” her nostrils flared, and she let out a gasp. “Y-you were both-? While we were working!? Oh, what a scandalous-”

“Uh, what are you talking about? Why are you s-smiling at me like that, Megumin?” Yunyun asked hesitantly.

“I’ll tell you later, when you’re more mature,” Megumin said, taking Kazuma’s hand.

Yunyun’s brow furrowed, but then she sighed and pointed to the holographic map display. “W-we’re ready to set out. O-our scouts are already in the area, and they say t-that the Devil King’s forces are being led by Hans. H-he’s on the planet's surface, and we’ll have to act fast to keep the w-water supply from being contaminated.”

“Will be be attacked en route?” Kazuma asked, frowning and giving Megumin’s hand a squeeze. He slipped his other hand into Darkness’, which made her blush and then give him a dopey grin.

“Y-yes. It’s very likely. I-I will be deployed with some of the Clan. Um, w-we need to keep some reserves but-”

“Kazuma and I will lead the van!” Darkness declared. She nodded to Chris. “You and Megumin hold yourselves in reserve. We shall need stealth and firepower when we reach the planet and confront Hans. Aqua, your work on the ship was lovely, but with the supplies stowed, we need you prepared in your support mech.”

“Alright! We’ll beat up stinky Hans, and keep the water safe!” Aqua declared, nodding determinedly. It was somewhat undermined by the speckle of white paint at the tip of her nose, and the paintbrush she had shoved into her back pocket.

“I guess it’s too much to ask for a nap before we set out?” Kazuma sighed. He shook his head. From the peak of heaven to the valley of death. Then he looked at Darkness, who was shifting from side to side eagerly. Well. Maybe the valley wouldn’t be so bad.