The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 55 (Patreon)

Kazuma and Aqua clung to one another, blubbering as they were whisked through a wormhole. Beside them, Haruhi cackled in glee, her eyes sparkling. “WOOOOOO! Let’s go somewhere awesome like the last-”

Haruhi’s words cut off as she was spat out along with the entire bedraggled group into a classroom, sailing across the room, her face crunching against a blackboard as she slowly slid down, falling onto the floor with a groan.

“Ooooooo myyyy. What a straaaaange group has come here tooooodaaaay!” a cheery man in what looked like clown make up said. He glanced at Aqua, Kazuma, and Megumin, frowning. “I don’t reeeeemember giving you aaaaaaall detention buuuuuut…”

“Who the hell are you, clown man?” Kazuma demanded, jumping up. “Quick before-”

“DIE!” Tanya roared, and pointed her gun at Kazuma, firing several bullets that he barely managed to dodge, even as the others were still collecting themselves off the floor.

The Clown Man became suddenly more serious, balls of fire appearing over his fingers. “No fighting in the classroom, Miss Degurechaff.”

“FUCK YOU, Roswaal!” Tanya screamed, and plucked a grenade off her vest and threw it at the clown guy. “DAMN GOD PUPPET!”

Roswaal, who was a clown but not one to mess with, frowned in displeasure.  “Ul Goa.”

The fireballs flew off his fingers, and the room exploded into flames, causing the occupants to shriek in panic and terror.

“S-Sacred Create Water!” Aqua gasped, and the room was flooded with a moderate amount of water, putting out most of the flames, though shockingly it seemed only Tanya had been burnt.

“Tsk. You’re not my students. What is happening?” Roswaal demanded, dropping the annoying accent and flicking water from his cloak.

“I TIRE OF THIS!” the Devil Queen screamed, demonic wings exploding from her back and an ebony scythe appearing in her hands. “I CARE NOT IF THIS WORLD BURNS, YOU ALL DIE!”

“Sato, even if you’re not the same, you, Megumin, and Aqua are still my students. Leave, and I will deal with these interlopers,” Roswaal declared, more fireballs forming in a halo around his head as the Devil King lept at him.

“MOVE!” Kazuma yelled, grabbing Aqua and a surprised Haruhi and leaping for the windows on the far side of the room. He burst through, Kyon carrying an unconscious Yuki not far behind him, with a wailing Mikuru and Megumin hot on their tail. Behind them, the Devil Queen roared and began to battle with Roswaal.

“Aqua, where the HELL are we?!” Kazuma demanded as they landed on the path outside and started running.

“We’re back at school! Like I told you before!” Aqua said, smiling brightly. Then she blinked, and looked back at Haruhi. “But wait, aren’t you the one who sent us here?”

“What are you talking about, I’ve never seen this school before!” Haruhi said as she easily kept pace .

“But, the Chief Goddess was the one who put us here, and we left when she kicked us out. I never figured out why,” Aqua said, shaking her head.

They came to the corner of the school building, and Kazuma ran head first into someone, knocking her over.

“Ow! Sato, watch where you’re going!” Tanya snapped, shoving Kazuma off of her. Only, it wasn’t the same Tanya as the one they’d been fighting. It was a younger version, even shorter somehow.

“Holy crap, another Tanya?!” Haruhi gasped.

The girl in question turned to look at Haruhi, then a murderous rage entered her eyes. “BEING X!?”

“Oh no,” Kyon groaned. “This is just going to end poorly…”

“T-Tanya! That’s not Being X, it’s, well, I guess right now she’s the Chief Goddess?” Aqua protested, sounding confused.

Ignoring Aqua, Tanya drew her pistol, raising it towards Haruhi. In response, Kazuma held out a hand, crying out “STEAL!”

Before anyone could figure out what was happening, Kazuma grabbed Haruhi and Aqua by the wrists and booked it as fast as he could past Tanya and around the corner, with Megumin, Kyon and Mikuru chasing after them.

“DAMN YOU SATO!” Tanya roared, and her pistol cracked several times, bullets whizzing by them as Kazuma jinked left and right to avoid them.

“Kazuma, please tell me you didn’t-” Haruhi began, but Kazuma cut her off.

“Then don’t ask! Look, I was going for the gun!” Kazuma panted. “The good news is, she shoots worse with no underwear on!”

“I see you still haven’t changed,” Megumin muttered, glaring behind them. “Why are there two of them now?”

“That’s Tanya from the past! You saw Lord Roswaal! We’re back at the school!” Aqua said, moving her hand to grab onto Kazuma as well. “But I don’t know why!”

“What are you talking about, this isn’t our school!” Kyon panted, running as fast as he could with Yuki on his back. “Come on, we need to find somewhere to hide and help Yuki!”

“Hey! Kazuma, Aqua, over here!” a familiar voice called, and Chris waved frantically to them from a side door. They dashed over, Tanya still raving behind them, and raced inside. Chris slammed and locked the door, then led them into a classroom, where they closed the door and locked it behind them.

Chris immediately turned, and smiled at Haruhi. “Uh, welcome to our school, Miss, I’m not really sure why-”

“Eris, what the fuck is going on!?” Haruhi demanded going over and looming over the other woman, hands on hips. “Did you do this? Why am I even here? And why does Tanya want to kill me?”

Chris paled slightly, and looked at Megumin, Kazuma and Aqua, wide eyed. “Uh, I am not sure what you mean, Miss, I-”

“It’s OK, Eris, I know she’s the Chief Goddess, and who you are,” Aqua said, nodding encouragingly. “And, well, I think Tanya’s always hated someone called ‘Being X’ which I’m pretty sure is the Chief Goddess.”

“You DO!? When the heck-” Chris took a deep breath. “Uh, sorry. Um, what are you doing here, Chief? E-everything is fine, um, I promise! We-”

An explosion shook the school, and Megumin sighed and shook her head. “Was I ever that weak, really? What a paltry display.”

“If you killed the Devil Queen and Tanya I’d give it 110 points,” Kazuma muttered.

“Devil Queen!? Tanya!?” Chris turned to Aqua, going red and grabbing the taller goddess by the ribbon on her outfit. “Aqua, what did you do THIS time?!”

“H-hey! It wasn’t my fault this time! And Tanya tried to shoot us first. She did shoot Megumin!” Aqua protested, pointing to Megumin, who had an impressive bruise in the center of her forehead. High level or not, it looked like it had still hurt.

“What!? How did- Wait, that’s not Megumin!” Chris said, gasping and going over to study the diminutive mage.

“BWAH-HA-HA! Fear not, goddess Eris! For though I, Megumin, have passed beyond the veil of time and death, it is none other than I, the foremost Genius of-”

“Yeah nevermind, you’re definitely Megumin. But what happened to you? And what the heck is going on!?” Chris demanded, looking frustrated and angry.

“Look, long story short, I guess we’re from the future,” Kazuma explained, “And we got dragged here with a Future Version of Tanya and the Devil Queen, or, well, the Devil King’s Daughter to you, and they picked a fight with the clown guy. Then for no reason at all, past Tanya started shooting at us!”

“Kazuma, you’re still holding her panties,” Chris said, glancing at his hand.

“I uh, here,” Kazuma shoved the undergarments at Aqua, who made a face.

“What are you giving them to me for!? I don’t want someone’s stinky underwear!”

“Argh! Dammit, I didn’t want these, I just…fine!” Kazuma tossed the panties into a trash can and held up his hands. “Happy?”

“Um…” Mikuru stepped forward, and held a bottle of hand sanitizer towards Kazuma. “You really should wash your hands…”

“Wait, you carry hand sanitizer with you?” Kazuma asked, accepting a dollop.

Mikuru blinked. “Do…do you not?”

“Right, well, that’s out of the way, so now we have two Tanyas to deal with,” Chris sighed.

“Question,” Kyon said, raising a hand. “Can someone PLEASE HEAL YUKI NOW!?”

They hastily laid Yuki out on top of several desks they pushed together, and after Aqua performed a quick healing, Yuki’s eyes fluttered open. She sat up, looking faintly dazed. “Error. Data manipulation abilities are currently offline.”

“But you’re OK, right?” Kyon said, grabbing Yuki’s hand.

She considered this a moment. “I am functional, and glad to be with you. However, I am missing a part of myself, and I am distraught over this.”

“It’s OK, we’ll get it back, I promise,” Kyon said, squeezing her hand.

Yuki nodded, and turned her eyes to Chris. “Hello. I am Yuki Nagato. You appear to be a temporally earlier version of Chris, my teacher in becoming a goddess.”

“Aqua, Kazuma, I love you both, but why is it whenever you have problems they’re the sort that gives me a massive headache?” Chris moaned. “And Chief, why are you even here?! Isn’t this school supposed to be to ‘teach us a lesson’ or something?”

“What?” Kazuma said, turning to Aqua, who blushed and looked away.

“Um, I maybe…I maybe was put on probation for getting uh, how did the Chief put it?”

“You got suckered by a NEET from Nagano and then proceeded to spend all your time getting plastered and doing party tricks,” Chris sighed. “I mean, I get it and all.”

“Wait, if she was on probation, why are you here?” Haruhi asked, and it was Chris’ turn to look ashamed.

“Well, um, I mean…you said it yourself…it’s not becoming of a goddess to…um, LARP with the mortals…”

“Ha! You mean when you dress up like Chris and steal stuff with Kazuma!” Haruhi laughed. Then she frowned. “Wait a minute. Are you the one who taught him-”

“Look, as fun as all this is, do you think maybe we could save the reminiscing for later and worry about helping Yuki and, you know, stopping the two murderous nazis and the freaking DEVIL QUEEN!?” Kyon interrupted.

“Oh. Right. Yeah, should probably do that,” Chris hastily agreed. “So, we need a plan, I guess.”

Megumin brightened. “Well, I could always-”

“No,” everyone said at the same time.

“But you didn’t even listen to what I was going to say!”

“You can’t blow up the entire school campus with us on it,” Kazuma said flatly.

“What if you leave and then I blow it up?” Megumin asked. “I don’t even understand what this place is! It doesn’t look like the Crimson Demon Academy or any school I’ve been to.”

“It’s…complicated. Basically, the Chief Goddess created this school as a punishment for various people who ticked her off,” Chris explained.

Aqua nodded. “That’s why Tanya’s here too. She kept complaining about her various life choices and blaming the Chief Goddess, so she got sent here.”

“So, you complained about your life choices and got sent here too, huh?” Kyon asked Aqua.

She flushed. “Um, well…I maybe blamed Kazuma and Eris for some of the things that happened…”

“This place seems like I’d be bored out of my skull in minutes, maybe that’s why I don’t remember it. I always hated school back home,” Kazuma said with a shrug.

“Actually, you keep saying you wanted to stay here,” Chris informed him. “But I figured you were bluffing.”

“I dunno, if I were going to create a punishment realm for people, I think I’d come up with something more interesting than this,” Haruhi said, which earned her a baffled look from Chris. “Unless this is supposed to be an ironic hell. Either way, we have to get out of here.”

“Right, so, what DO we do?” Kazuma asked, looking around. “Yuki’s out of commission-”

“I am capable of fighting,” Yuki stated, then hesitated. “However, only at the physical level.”

“And what does that mean? Are you just as weak as a regular human girl now?” Kazuma asked, which earned him a punch in the arm from Aqua, Chris, Megumin, and Haruhi, which nearly broke both his arms.

“Negative. I am still a humanoid interface. I lack data manipulation, but still have physical abilities far in excess of human norms.” She struck a sudden fighting stance, and said, “I still know kung fu.”

“Great. Well, I don’t know that just going and attacking is going to be the best plan,” Kyon sighed, glancing at Haruhi.

“Hmm. Well, in this situation, as Brigade Chief, I think the proper course of action is to-”

The classroom loudspeaker crackled to life, and a gruff male voice came over the speakers. “Sato, Aqua, Megumin, Degurachaff. Report immediately to my office.”

“-to go to the principals office and rat them out,” Haruhi finished.

“Seriously? That’s what you’ve come up with?” Kyon asked, sighing heavily.

“What!? Look, if the principal can’t handle it then we can just figure out a way to ambush them by teaming up with your past selves, OK?” Haruhi said, then just walked out of the classroom. Kyon shrugged and followed after her, and the rest of them ended up trailing along behind.

They walked for about two minutes before Kazuma stopped and coughed loudly. “Uh, do you even know where the Principal’s office is?”

“Forward and to the left! They’re always laid out in the same way, all Japanese schools are the same!” Haruhi said confidently.

“...actually, Chief, it’s back that way and left,” Chris said, pointing to where Kazuma was standing.

“Oh. Uh, lead on!” Haruhi decreed, following Kazuma as he led them in the proper direction.

A few minutes later, they arrived at the principal's office, which looked for all the world like your standard principal's office, complete with a bored looking secretary waiting out front. “You can go right in,” the chubby man said, pointing to the office.

Haruhi stepped forward to open the door, took one look, and slammed it shut. “Uh, we might have made a slight mistake…”

“Oh indeed. I can’t believe that actually worked,” the Devil Queen laughed, stepping out of a side hallway.

Behind them, Tanya and Visha appeared, guns leveled. “So easy to trap you all. I can’t believe telling the general to call for you actually worked.”

The door behind Haruhi shuddered once, then was flung open, sending her sprawling as a grinning Past Tanya kicked it open, gun in hand. “Thank you, General. We’ll handle it from here.”

“Major Degurechaff! This is not what I had in mind!” a man in a military uniform of some sort spluttered, standing up behind the desk.

“Shut it, grandpa!” Fujiwara said, walking into view from the corner of the office, and socking the old man right in the mouth.

“Young man! The General is my superior officer!” Tanya gasped, looking horrified. “You’ll be court martialed for this!”

“No he won’t, I won’t work for the Empire anymore,” older Tanya said, shaking her head.

“Oh? Who is our future employer? Are the benefits good?” past Tanya asked curiously.

“The Americans, and yes. Full dental, and a government pension plan. And we get 30 days of paid leave a year.”

“That’s cool and all, but can we fight now?” Kazuma asked.

In response, Tanya tried to shoot Kazuma, which made him yip and dive out of the way. That was the signal, and a general melee erupted.

The Devil Queen instantly clashed with Haruhi and Chris, who had put their weapons against her scythe. The Devil Queen was dressed in leather and chain mail in a fashion that would have driven any HEMA expert mad, but looked really, really cool. It was, of course, snug and form fitting, showing off the fact that she was quite curvaceous. Apparently, Devil Queens got the same figures as goddesses. Well, except Chris.

The Devil Queen leapt and spun about, swinging her scythe in great arcs to fend off her two opponents. Haruhi drove straight in, swinging her sword in swift, fluid motions to counter the Devil Queen, while seeking to strike down the demon, her eyes glowing with a white light, a manic grin on her face. She wasn’t as acrobatic as the Devil Queen, but Haruhi pulled off some moves that only a professional gymnast should have been able to, each of her motions graceful and full of power.

For her part, Chris slunk in the shadows, magic dagger gleaming in her hand. She seemed able to vanish when the Devil Queen wasn’t looking, only to reappear at her back, slicing savagely. Somehow, the Devil Queen countered each time, as if aware of the thief. Chris countered with several nasty tricks, from caltrops, to her Bind technique, and even a few vials of holy water that shattered on the scythe blade but caused the Devil Queen to snarl as the liquid hissed and popped on her skin.

Even as the two goddesses fought the Devil Queen, Fujiwara was fighting off Yuki, and sort of Kyon. Though Kyon mostly shouted encouragement, and hid behind the secretary’s desk like a sensible squishy mortal.

“Ha, I’m the one with the incredible powers now!” Fujiwara taunted. “I can-SHIT!” He dove to the side even as Yuki’s greatsword slammed into the floor hard enough to gouge through the linoleum and well into the concrete, then had to dive behind a chair that Yuki destroyed with a single blow.

“You have stolen my data manipulation abilities. This does not mean you are able to use them, noob,” Yuki said calmly.

“Noob!? Where did you pick up stupid internet slang!? You could barely talk when we first met!” Fujiwara babbled.

“I had a very interesting conversation with her Royal Majesty Queen Iris. She is very knowledgeable about how to pass as an ordinary citizen,” Yuki answered, almost catching Fujiwara with another devastating blow.

“You tell him, Yuki! Kick his ass!” Kyon called.

“Coward, fight me yourself!” Fujiwara shouted back, though it came out as a squeak.

“No thanks. I’ll let my awesome and beautiful girlfriend kick your ass.”

Yuki smiled faintly at the compliment, and then tried to skewer the pest again.

Meanwhile, Mini Tanya the Smaller gleefully charged right at Mikuru, raising her gun.

“Aaaa! H-Hold Person!” Mikuru squeaked, pointing her staff at Tanya.

A white glow appeared around Tanya, and she instantly stiffened mid stride, falling headlong to the floor, where she lay stiff as a board, still in a running posture. Mikuru blinked, then poked at Tanya. This caused her gun to go off, and Mikuru to squeak in panic, though the bullet just embedded itself in the baseboard of the wall.

“I…I did it! I beat a bad guy!” Mikuru said happily.

“No duh, Clerics are overpowered!” Kazuma called from his own fight with older Tanya. “Hold Person!”

Unlike her younger self, the older version easily dodged Kazuma’s attack, then fired her gun again. “I remember that, Sato. It won’t work on me a second time!”

“I could always try steal!” Kazuma snarled, dodging another bullet.

“I am not so easily distracted as I once was!” Tanya laughed, then tried to slash at Kazuma with her combat knife. He countered with Chunchumaru, but Tanya flipped out of the way with a magically aided backflip. “Ha! Nice try! I-URGH!”

Aqua’s fist rammed into Tanya’s side, and she was flung into the wall. “From now on, Kazuma only steals MY underwear!”

“Do you even wear any?” Tanya sneered.

“Why does everyone ask that!? Of course I do!” Aqua huffed, then threw another punch.

Behind them, Visha was trying desperately to grapple with Megumin, but the much smaller woman was fearsomely strong, and had years of experience bullying Yunyun.

“Ha! Size does not matter, for I am the mightiest mage in all of Belzerg!”

Her only response was a stream of Russian and German swear words that would have made any babushka blush.

Even as things devolved further, the General muttered something, took out a button from his desk, and pressed it. “Enough of this nonsense.” He studied the button for a moment, even as Fujiwara threw a chair at Yuki, only to have it batted aside and take a cut that left a long gash in his right arm.

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, another portal opened in the principal's office, and a woman strode through. He bowed to her. “Madam, I fear that things have devolved beyond my ability to control. I have failed.”

“So I see,” the woman said, her lips firming. She raised her fingers, and snapped. The air turned to jelly, and all the combatants froze.

“What,” the woman said, stepping forward. “Is the meaning of this? Aqua! Eris! You were supposed to learn restraint and wisdom here! And Tanya! Here I give you the peaceful life you always wanted, and you go wasting it. And who are these others? I don’t remember inviting you here?”

“Wait, you’re me!” Haruhi said, struggling to right herself from the slash she’d been making at the Devil Queen’s head. “Why is me from the future here now?”

It was true the two of them had an uncanny resemblance. The woman in question was dressed in a crisp business suit, her hair in a neat bun, but it was the same shade of dark brown as Haruhi’s. They had extremely similar facial features, though the other woman’s were older, more refined, with none of the round softness of adolescence. She was the breathtaking beauty that Haruhi would bloom into one day, though far more stern and serious than Haruhi ever was.

“You dare to claim to be Amaterasu? Do you not know who I am? What sort of minor goddess are you? You don’t seem to be from my pantheon,” the woman, apparently Amaterasu herself, said sternly. She turned to Aqua and Chris, who were struggling to free themselves as well, though none of the mortals had been able to do so. “Explain this.”

“Um, she’s sort of my daughter,” Aqua admitted.

“What!? Aqua, how could you!” Chris squeaked. “And with Kazuma!? I mean, uh, maybe I thought about it a time or two, but-”

“Hey! Hands off, I saw him first!” Aqua huffed.

“Enough! You have violated one of my princepts!? Our most sacred rule: We of the Japanese Pantheon do NOT sully ourselves with mortals!”

“Just because you got spurned by some jealous lover a thousand years ago doesn’t mean Aqua can’t fall in love if she wants!” Haruhi said, successfully shaking herself free, turning to face Amaterasu and glare at her.

“How DARE you!” Amaterasu huffed.

“It’s true,” Aqua whispered. “The first emperor cheated on her.”

“Ha! I knew it!” Haruhi laughed.

“Hmph, well, then I strip you, Aqua, of your divinity here and now!” Amaterasu decreed

Aqua let out a wail, her body convulsing. Color streamed out of her hair, and in moments, the blue was gone, replaced by a natural blonde. Her body also seemed to have lost a bit of its luster, and she was now as frozen in time as the rest, tears running down her cheeks.

“That’s a bit harsh,” Chris muttered, finally standing up. “I mean, she was a screw up, but-”

“Silence, Eris. I know of your foolish habits. This school was to be a punishment for you, and for you to keep an eye on Aqua.” Amaterasu turned to Haruhi. “As for you, young goddess you will-”

Ameraterasu paused, then tried to gasp. Haruhi and Chris both let out cries of horror, as a knife blade appeared between her breasts. She clawed at it, then sank to her knees, revealing the grinning face of Past Tanya. Where she had lain, Fujiwara now crouched, frozen as the other mortals.

“And now,” Tanya panted, a triumphant grin on her face as she raised the knife to Amaterasu’s neck. “You die, Being X. Thus ending your tyranny forever.”

“TANYA!” Chris screamed, stretching her hand forward.

“NO!” Haruhi shouted, and launched herself, only for the Devil Queen’s hand to dart out and snatch her.

“I told the boy to give his power to the girl,” the Devil Queen cackled. “You gods always forget your little tricks don’t work on us either. Now, you ALL die.”

Haruhi could only watch as Tanya cut her older self’s throat. As the life faded from Amaterasu’s eyes and she fell to the floor, time resumed for the others.

But not Haruhi. She fell to the ground herself, feeling her life slip away.

“YOU BITCH!” Chris screamed, and plunged her dagger into the Devil Queen’s side. The Devil Queen screamed and writhed, back handing Chris.

“Weak godling! You are no match for me!”

The two began to fight again, but Haruhi felt listless, as if someone had snapped the thread of her fate. Kyon and Mikuru appeared at her side, tears streaming down their faces.

“Haruhi! Haruhi, you can’t! Kyon shouted, picking her up. “Stay with us!”

Mikuru just sobbed, chanting, “Heal! Heal!” But to no avail.

Across the hall, Tanya glanced at Visha as Kazuma knelt by the stunned Aqua. “Leave them. She’s mortal now, and no foe of ours. Besides, this was how it all happened, just as I remember.”

“Yes, but I don’t remember what happens next,” Visha said, frowning. She raised her pistol. “What about the others?”

“Dispose of the body, just to be sure,” Tanya said, and pulled out a knife, stepping towards Haruhi.

Yuki blurred past Haruhi, her sword slashing at Visha and Tanya, who were forced to back off. Even without most of her powers, Yuki proved enough of a match for both of them.

Seeing that, the younger Tanya snorted and raised her own bloody knife towards Haruhi. “I’ll handle-”

“H-Hold Person!” Mikuru sobbed, and Tanya fell over again.

“Aqua, Aqua are you OK?” Kazuma asked desperately, hugging her tightly. “Are you?”

“I…I’m fine, Kazuma,” Aqua said shakily, clutching at him. “I just…this was going to happen anyway, but…I had thought…it would be after our first time…”

“Well, uh, after this, we can fix that, right?” he said, then regretted it.

Aqua giggled though. “You pervert. Later. I just…I think there’s something I have to do.”

“What?” Kazuma asked, then glanced at Haruhi. “Oh. Right. Why’s she like that? Doesn’t she grow up to be the Chief Goddess?”

“No,” Aqua said, shaking her head and standing. “She’s acting like her past self was killed. I think she’s the reincarnation of the Chief.”

Aqua walked over, Kazuma trailing behind, then knelt by the body of Amateratsu. She touched it, nodding. “Her spirit hasn’t fled. Her divine essence is still there.”

“So…what does that mean?” Kazuma asked, frowning. “You’re kinda on the ball for this, you know.”

“I guess I really am mortal, now. I can get smarter,” Aqua said, giving him a sad smile. Then she took a deep breath. “When gods die…we can be reincarnated, just like a mortal. But usually, we don’t come back as gods…unless…”

“Unless what?” Kazuma asked, confused.

“...unless I do something to help.” Aqua took a deep breath, and gave Kazuma a hopeful smile. “Um, how do you feel about having a daughter? A cute little girl?”

“Well, I mean, I’m still a virgin, but…I guess I’d like to have a daughter. Someone as beautiful as you,” Kazuma said. Then he frowned. “Wait, are you-”

“We’ll name her Haruhi,” Aqua said, and then put both hands on the corpse of Amaterasu. “Be reborn! Take my divine essence, and your own!”

The body glowed suddenly, then collapsed into a tiny white dot, which rose, then flew into Aqua’s abdomen. She gasped and shuddered, and would have collapsed if Kazuma hadn’t grabbed her.

“HOLD ON! THIS IS NOT FAIR! YOU CAN’T GET PREGNANT WHEN WE HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN TO THIRD BASE YET!”

Behind them, Haruhi gasped, then sat up suddenly, life flooding through her. “Holy me! I…I think my past lives just flashed before my eyes!”

Chris suddenly flew past then, slamming into the wall, bleeding heavily. The Devil Queen stepped forward, grinning, bloody scythe in hand. “Yes, today is the day that all the gods fall!”

“Yeah, see, I’m gonna have to stop you there. Because it turns out, without them, there’s no good food! And you know how I am about food, right, Kyoichi?”

The Devil Queen froze and turned to see a grinning Komekko standing at the entrance, flanked by Sasaki, Kyoko, Seiya, and a now brown haired Ristarte, along with Wiz and Vanir. “K-Komekko?”

“It’s me!” Komekko said cheerily. Then she pointed a finger at the younger Tanya. “You take one more step towards the new Chief Goddess and I fry you, missy. You did me a solid killing the last one, so I’d be nice and not even eat your soul.”

“Komekko!?” Megumin gasped, racing over and throwing her arms around her sister. “You really are alive!”

“Oof! That I am. Uh, hey, Megs. I, uh…no hard feelings about you wasting me, OK? I was a little…out of control…” Komekko said, sniffing herself and returning the hug.

“Alright,” Kazuma said, standing up slowly with Aqua, his hands tight on her shoulders. “Just what the hell is going on?”

“All will now be revealed!” Komekko said, a wide grin on her face. “In the form of an interpretive dance!”

Everyone groaned audibly, save Megumin, who grinned widely at the prospect.

Author’s Note:

And that’s what I’ve been building towards. Well, not the interpretive dance, but how Haruhi came to be. There’s only a couple chapters left now, along with an epilogue or two. We’re nearly there!