The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 55 (Patreon)

“Ugh, come on, skipping to the last level of a dungeon is cheating! Can’t we just try to speed run it!?” Haruhi complained as soon as she was informed of Kazuma’s teleport destination.

“We can level grind some time when the world isn’t in danger from the Devil Queen,” Kazuma said with a shake of his head.

“No, I agree! We should find another solution. I do not like this one,” Megumin pouted, folding her arms over her chest and sticking her nose in the air.

“You’re just upset that if we’re in a dungeon you can’t blow us all to kingdom come with your overpowered spell!” Kazuma said, pointing an accusing finger at Megumin.

She blushed, clutching her staff close. “Do…do you really think it’s overpowered?”

“Megumin, your spell would give a Hiroshima survivor PTSD. And you’re the only person I know who would take that as a compliment,” Kazuma told her. “Right, do we have any REASONABLE objections to doing this?”

“Um, w-well…what if we get trapped?” Mikuru asked.

All eyes turned to her, most of them utterly disbelieving something so reasonable and sensible would be brought up in their discussions.

“Well, we can just teleport out, right?” Kyon asked, looking to Kazuma.

“Uh, actually, I’m pretty sure I’ll be as useless as Megumin is after one spell,” Kazuma admitted. “Teleport costs a lot of mana, and I don’t exactly have much gas in the tank.”

“Well that’s asinine! We’d be trapped on the bottom floor of an insanely dangerous dungeon if we teleported in. Why did you think this was a good idea?!” Kyon demanded.

“Hey, it’s how Kazuma defeated the Devil King last time!” Aqua huffed, pointing a finger at Kyon. “So don’t get so upset!”

“Didn’t you die the last time you defeated the Devil King?” Haruhi asked, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.

“Uh, well, I mean…Aqua brought me back,” Kazuma said, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Can she still do that?” Kyon asked. “Because otherwise that still puts a damper on this supposedly brilliant plan.”

“Well, I mean, if I can’t Haruhi can, right?” Aqua pointed out.

“That’s a fair point…I still don’t like this idea,” Kyon muttered. He glanced at Yuki, who had remained silently at his side during the conversation. “Could you get us out if necessary?”

“Data not found,” Yuki said, and held her hand out to Kazuma.

“What? You want a hi-five or something?”

“She wants your Adventurer’s card to see if she can learn Teleport,” Kyon sighed, and Yuki nodded silently.

“See, some people use their skill points on something useful,” Kazuma told Haruhi as he handed over his card.

“Just so you know, I got a look at your card. I don’t know what Lip Reading, Smithing, and Master Performer are doing for your build, but it sounds like you were picking up some party tricks,” Haruhi said with a roll of her eyes.

“You did!?” Aqua asked, her eyes going wide.

“Well, uh, I-”

“If you wanted more party tricks, you should have said so! It would be great, we could perform together!” Aqua said eagerly. “Or some art skills too! I have all sorts of fun ones, here look!”

“Analyzing,” Yuki said as she scrolled through the card. She touched the Teleport skill, and there was a brief flash. “Teleport acquired. Registering locations.”

“Which ones did you choose?” Kyon asked as Yuki handed back the card and Kazuma abashedly started learning some party tricks from the still excited Aqua.

“The SOS Brigade Room, the Axel Guild Hall, and the apartment of Kyon,” Yuki responded.

“You can Teleport to Earth!?” Kyon gasped.

“Unknown,” Yuki said with a faint shifting of her shoulders that constituted a shrug.

“Well, that does leave us an out. Though, uh…why’d you register my apartment instead of your own?” Kyon asked.

“Uncertain,” Yuki considered it for a moment, then added, “Perhaps because I desire to be with you instead of alone.”

“Yeah, well, uh, I think we’d better wait until we graduate to get married,” Kyon said nervously.

“Understood. I will schedule the wedding for the day after graduation,” Yuki stated.

“Heh heh. Uh, that was a joke, right? Right?” Kyon asked, but Yuki quirked a small smile and turned away from him.

“Yeah, fine, I’ll take Master Painter, Expert Narrator, and Lyrical Poetry,” Kazuma sighed, tapping his own card to Aqua’s delight.

“Explains why my bedtime stories were always so good. My dad has an awful build,” Haruhi sighed in exasperation. “Are we really going to skip the fun part and go right to the final boss? That seems kinda unsatisfying.”

“It took me days to clear out that dungeon with two of the most overpowered people on the planet, and the monsters got really repetitive. How long would you be willing to dungeon grind?” Kazuma asked.

“Um…was there any good loot?” Haruhi asked hopefully.

“No. Monsters don’t just drop gold and magic items when they die,” Kazuma told her.

“What kind of idiot would think monsters would drop gold and magic items when they die?” Megumin asked, snorting derisively. “Everyone knows you have to get to the treasure room to get that, which is always at the end of the dungeon.”

“Skipping right to the treasure sounds fine, I guess. There will still be an epic boss battle, right?” Haruhi asked hopefully.

“I mean, if we can do a quick in and out, we should have Megumin just collapse the whole thing and jet,” Kazuma suggested.

“No, absolutely not. There will be no suicide bombings,” Kyon said, making an an X with his arms. “I’ve seen what she can do, and in a confined space we’d just be obliterated.”

“We’ve still got me and Yuki! We can handle anything we find down there, and Aqua and Mikuru can be the support!” Haruhi said, making a muscle and rubbing her admittedly impressive bicep.

Kyon would have been more jealous, but considering she was a literal goddess, that didn’t seem like a productive use of energy. “What about me and Kazuma?”

“You can hold our stuff,” Haruhi said dismissively. When Kazuma growled at her, she rolled her eyes. “Fine, I guess Kazuma is in charge of dirty tricks and cheating.”

“Damn right I am,” Kazuma said, grinning wickedly. “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying!”

“I-I’ll do my best!” Mikuru promised, clutching her staff and trembling slightly.

“Right then! Let’s do this, SOS Brigade!” Haruhi said, and put her hand out. With a heavy sigh, Kyon put his hand into the middle atop hers, with Aqua and the other girls following suit with varying degrees of eagerness. After Aqua elbowed Kazuma, he grumbled and did the same.

“Let’s kick ass and take names!” Haruhi hooted, then raised her hand as she shouted. “SOS BRIGADE!”

“SOS BRIGADE!”

Everyone held hands, with an excited Haruhi gripping both Kazuma and Aqua’s. A part of her thought this was a bit like going on an adventure with her parents, which was both super cool and dreadfully embarrassing. Either way, it was the most interesting thing to happen to her ever.

“Right, here we go. Teleport: Dungeon!” Kazuma roared.

A moment later, they all tumbled over one another in a small, cramped, warm space, with Haruhi falling into a puddle with water splashing on her head. When she looked up, she saw a young girl with pink hair, who was both naked, and looking down at her aghast.

“AAAAAAAAA!” the girl screamed, grabbing a curtain and wrapping it around herself. “W-what are you-!?”

“Drain Touch,” Kazuma said, touching the back of the girl’s neck. She slumped over after a moment, passing out. “Figures. We appeared in the damn bathroom.”

“You registered the BATHROOM as your destination when you made your teleport destination?” Kyon asked in disgust as he extracted himself from the sink.

“Typical pedo-NEET,” Aqua sighed, smacking Kazuma upside the back of his head.

“Hey! Look, I figured if I was going to infiltrate the dungeon, the bathroom was a good place to start! Plus, you know, when a man’s gotta go…” Kazuma said, looking down at the unconscious girl. “Good thing she was here, that topped me off so I can teleport again if we need to.”

“Um, uh, a-all the boys should leave so we can, um, tie her up,” Mikuru said, pushing Kyon and Kazuma towards the door. They were forced out of the bathroom, and into a rocky tunnel.

“Huh, weird that the bathroom was all tile and hardwood, but this place looks like an actual dungeon,” Kyon mused, putting a hand on the roughly shaped wall.

“Would YOU like to take a dump  in a cave?” Kazuma asked.

“Fair point,” Kyon agreed with a shrug.

“Dammit, there’s always a line for this thing,” a deep husky voice said behind them. “Ugh, is it that Mao girl again? She always takes the longest baths.”

Kyon felt Kazuma’s arm grip his, and he turned to see sweat breaking out on Kazuma’s forehead. “What? What’s the problem?”

Glancing over his shoulder, Kyon beheld a large woman with a big snout and tusks, bright green skin, and long, flowing tresses. She was dressed only in a towel, and was perhaps the most staked person he’d ever seen. Even more so than Darkness, which was saying something.

“Oh ho? Don’t you two boys know this is the women’s bathroom?” the orc said, leaning forward. She slammed her fist into the wall above Kazuma’s head, leering down at him. “Hey there, handsome. Why don’t the two of you take a bath with me? I can promise you a good time.”

“Uh, we have girlfriends,” Kyon said, backing away to the other side of the wall. He let out a squeak when the orc shifted, planting her hand over his own shoulder and pressing him up against the wall with her knee.

“That’s OK, I won’t tell! Trust me, I’m woman enough to take both of you, at the same time!” the orc chuckled, and Kyon felt cold sweat run down his spine.

“Hey Kazuma, we’re done, let’s go find- GET AWAY FROM HIM YOU BITCH!” Aqua hurtled out of the bathroom with glowing fists, slamming into the orc and bowling her down the passage. The orc let out some rather piggish squeals for mercy, but it was completely futile. Despite Aqua being half the orcs size, she manhandled the monster for a few seconds, before leaving the orc bloodied and bruised on the ground. She stood up, cracking her knuckles and snorting out a long trial of steam.

“I guess I’m not the only one with an overpowered and violently protective girlfriend,” Kyon mused, nudging Kazuma, who was staring at Aqua in shock.

“Yeah, uh, I…hold on a sec.” Kazuma walked over and grabbed Aqua, then pulled her into a kiss. She was startled at first, but quickly melted into Kazuma’s arms, pulling him close.

“We’re all done here, let’s- ugh! Will you two save it?!” Haruhi asked, stepping out of the bathroom herself.

“I’d think you’d be more excited about this. Don’t they have to get together for you to be born or something?” Kyon sighed.

“Time travel doesn’t work that way. Right Mikuru?” Haruhi asked, looking back into the bathroom as Mikuru and Yuki peeked out.

“Um, well, it depends. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn’t. But if they are your parents, um, that would mean it’s a time loop, so…”

“Oh whatever! Are we going to go find the final boss now or what?” Haruhi demanded angrily.

“Yeah, come on, it’s up the passage this way,” Kazuma said, separating from a tittering Aqua. “Let’s just get this over with. And Megumin?”

“What?”

“No Explosions.”

“Do I look like an idiot to you?” Megumin demanded, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at Kazuma.

Kazuma turned and regarded Megumin for a moment, looking her up and down, then gave her an exasperated expression, and walked off.

“H-hey! I am the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan! I would never blow myself and everyone else up! It’s YOUR thing to use Explosion magic underground like an idiot, not me! Hey, get back here when I’m yelling at you!”

“Shhh! We’re in the enemy’s base! We have to go unnoticed!” Kyon whispered, shaking Megumin by the shoulder.

“Hmph. I’ll show him. I’m one of the strongest Adventurers there is! My physical technique is far greater than Kazuma’s!” Megumin grumbled, rolling up the sleeves of her robe and flexing her admittedly toned arms.

“And, do you have any actual physical combat skills?” Kyon asked, sighting heavily. “No, don’t tell me. ‘Of course not, I put all my points into one skill like a chuuni maniac!’”

“You do not fully appreciate the glory that is Explosion Magic,” Megumin grumbled, but didn’t try to contradict Kyon.

They made their way up the rough hewn tunnel until they came to a section with dressed stone, forking off to another passage that had signs indicating the men’s bathroom.

“Hold on a sec,” Kyon said suspiciously. “Kazuma, you used-”

“No time, the boss room is just ahead. Now, the last time I was here, it was some vampire lord dude. But the new Devil Queen has probably shacked up in here instead. There might be some traps, but it’s a big arena with plenty of space for a battle. It’s probably her and some mooks, so it might be best if we just rush in and blitz her before the rest of the dungeon can come down on us. We kill her, grab the loot, and then teleport the hell out of here,” Kazuma whispered.

“Don’t think we didn’t notice you snuck into the girls bathroom instead of the boys. You had better not be this much of a pervert when you become my old man!” Haruhi hissed.

“Focus! Any refinements to the plan?” Kazuma demanded. “Yuki, you’ll be on point. I think you’re our best melee fighter.”

“That sounds smart. I guess I’ll be in the rear with the gear, like normal,” Kyon sighed. “Stay close to me, Mikuru.”

“S-so you can protect me?” Mikuru asked, blushing.

“Are you kidding? You’re a high level priest! No, you stay close so you can heal me if I get hit! I have barely any hitpoints, and I’m a class with no combat potential!”

“Oh. Uh, OK,” Mikuru said, looking a little confused. Kyon wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like he’d ever been able to protect her from Haruhi, let alone a bunch of orcs, a Devil Queen, and who knew what else.

Kazuma gave Kyon a smug look, but Kyon just glared right back. “Don’t give me that. I’ve seen the girls in your party! You were coasting on them too!”

Aqua and Megumin giggled, even going so far as to exchange a fist bump while Kazuma sputtered. “Well, I- Ugh! Look, are we ready?”

The others nodded, and Yuki drew her swords.

“I swear to god, if anyone shouts Leeroy Jenkins, I’m kneecapping you,” Kazuma muttered.

“Kazuma, that hasn’t even happened yet,” Aqua said, patting his head. “It’s OK, I get your dumb internet memes.”

“Ugh, whatever. Let’s do this. CHARGE!”

They burst out of the bathroom tunnel, Yuki at the forefront, and into the larger chamber. It was much brighter, momentarily blinding Kazuma and the others. When he heard the sound of a grate slamming shut behind him, Kazuma realized he’d made a mistake. That, and a hum in the air, followed by a sense he’d just lost access to all magic.

“Oooooh shit,” Kazuma breathed, as he looked around. The inside of the chamber had been completely redone. Instead of a classic “final boss room” this now looked like a command bunker right out of World War II, complete with orcs and demons in Imperial Japanese Army uniforms, tables with hex grids and little markers showing unit locations and dispositions, mounds of paperwork, and a Nazi Loli.

“Well, well, well. Kazuma Sato, Aqua, and Haruhi Suzumiya. What an unexpected surprise,” Tanya purred, grinning at them from atop her step stool as the various monsters gaped in shock. Visha lifted her rifle and racked back a round.

“What are they doing here!?” Fujiwara wailed, diving under one of the tables. “This wasn’t the plan! They’ve got the crazy explosion girl with them! We’re doomed!”

“BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN! FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE-”

“AHHHHH!” all the various monsters threw the paperwork they were carrying in the air, and immediately ran towards the locked gage at the head of the room. Two ogres ripped the gate off its hinges, and most of the monsters started cramming their way through, running in sheer panic.

“Why are you running you idiots, my anti-magic field is up!” Tanya yelled. “That was what the contingency plan called for! You’re not responding as you were trained in the drills!”

“Are you crazy, general!? That’s the Crimson Menace! Nothing can stop her! She’s wiped out whole armies and she’s over level 90!” a goblin called back.

“Are you more afraid of her, or me?” Tanya snarled.

“Her! Definitely her!” the monsters wailed.

“She can’t cast the one spell she knows in an anti-magic field!” Tany repeated, stamping her foot in outrage.

A few monsters paused in their flight, and then Megumin stood up on one leg, raising her staff.

Darkness Blacker than Black, Crimson Redder than Blood,

Led me know thy destructive power to-

She didn’t even manage to finish as every single monster booked it through the narrow passage, trampling more than a few of their brethren in their path.

“Well I’ll be. Looks like you can use Explosion underground,” Kazuma laughed, slapping Megumin on the back as she beamed proudly.

“Nothing may stand up to the awesome power and fury of my Explosion magic! I am the foremost genius of-”

Tanya drew her pistol, and shot Megumin, right in the forehead. Kazuma and Aqua screamed in horror, while Haruhi and the rest of the SOS Brigade froze in shock.

“-the Crimson Demon Clan,” Megumin finished smugly. She reached up and dug the bullet out of her forehead, which had left a slight bruise and a small trickle of blood. “A mere weapon such as that cannot hope to stop me! While I have never invested in defense, I am level 92, and am halfway to the level cap of 99!”

“That’s not how math works!” Tanya ranted.

“Fool, every seven levels, the amount of experience required to increase your level doubles! This is why no mortal has yet reached the level cap, for it would take more than a human lifetime to achieve it! YET I, MEGUMIN, MISTRESS OF EXPLOSION MAGIC SHALL-”

Tanya shot Megumin again, causing her to squawk in outrage.

“Stop it! That’s annoying, and it’s not going to kill me!”

“Yes, but it might shut you up,” Tanya muttered, raising the gun slightly. “And I suppose the rest of you are immune to bullets?”

“Tanya you big meanie, is this any way to treat us after the Chief Goddess let you come to our super special school!” Aqua huffed, stomping her foot. “Where’s the Devil Queen anyway?!”

“Around. I figured you would show up somehow. You and Sato were always incredibly annoying, not to mention the walking war crime you have with you,” Tanya huffed.

“Look who’s talking,” Aqua muttered, shaking her head. “Now, Tanya, are you going to help us fight the Devil Queen or not?”

“She’s not serious,” Visha sighed, shaking her head.

“Aqua, how do you know these people, and do you really think they’ll come over to our side?” Kazuma hissed.

“That’s Tanya, we know her from the School like I told you. And no, but I don’t want to kick her ass until I’ve given her the choice,” Aqua said, putting her hands on her hips.

“For the time we spent together, Aqua, I will not kill you on sight, but I am here to rid this world of gods once and for all. I killed one god before, and I’ll do it again,” Tanya declared.

“Ok. Yuki?” Aqua said, stepping to the side.

Yuki shifted slightly, taking a step forward. “Yes?”

“Please try not to kill Tanya. But we’ve got to beat her up. She’s working for the Devil Queen.”

“Affirmative,” Yuki agreed, stepping forward and drawing her swords.

“Coward. The gods never do any work themselves. You would send this girl after me?” Tanya spat, pointing her pistol at Yuki.

“Well, for one thing, Yuki’s basically a goddess. And for another, I think I’ve gotten a lot smarter since I went to Earth with Kazuma. And I’m a healer, not a fighter.”

“Hmph. Do you have a death wish, girl? There is still no magic here,” Tanya said, keeping her pistol trained on Yuki as Visha raised her rifle and aimed it as well.

“Data firewall located. Resetting parameters. Initiating anti-firewall procedures. Firewall breached,” Yuki said, and there was a faint pop as the anti-magic field went down.

“What!? How did you-” Tanya gasped, stumbling back off her stool and looking horrified.

“Analysis indicates you are capable of data manipulation. Is this correct?” Yuki asked.

Tanya frowned, then slowly floated up into the air on mage gear. “Yes. But why drop the field if you knew this? It was a contingency, but-”

“You will need all the help you can get to keep up with me, noob,” Yuki declared, and then she dashed forward, blades flashing.

Activating her mage gear, Tanya flew back, firing as she went, even as Visha’s rifle cracked. Yuki dodged or deflected the bullets, dashing forward, evening running along the sides of the wall after Tanya. When Yuki leapt forward to skewer Tanya, the smaller woman managed to create a blue barrier to block the blades, but was sent ping-ponging off the walls and floor of the dungeon by the force of the blow.

“Cyka blyat!” Visha snarled, and fired with her rifle twice, zooming towards Yuki.

The humanoid interface dodged back, then spun her sword at Visha, only to have it deflected by a bayonet. Visha countered with the butt of her rifle, but swung in only into open air instead of Yuki’s head, her nose breaking in a sickening crunch from a headbutt.

“VISH!” Tanya screamed, and recovered from her mad tumble, drawing a carbine and firing a three round burst at Yuki, who moved herself and Visha out of the line of fire by kicking off the table. She and Tanya met briefly, with Tanya taking a swipe with a knife she drew from her belt, only for Yuki’s hand to connect to the back of her neck. Tanya dropped to the ground next to the tables with a thud.

“They will live,” Yuki said, landing on the ground with Visha under one arm. She went over next to the table, laying Visha’s unconscious body next to Tanya. As she did so, she suddenly spasmed, then collapsed to the floor herself.

“HA! Got ya, alien bitch!” Fujiwara hooted, hopping out from under the table with a small device in his hands. “Now, the power of a Humanoid Interface is MINE!”

“Yuki, no!” Kyon cried, and ran forward, followed by Haruhi, Aqua, Kazuma, and Mikuru, who was taking her “mind Kyon” duties seriously.

As soon as they did though, a winged form slammed through the dungeon exit, landing on the ground next to Fujiwara. “Well, I did not think you would come so soon, Kazuma Sato. But now, you and- Aqua!? What are you- oh. But you’re not…”

“GOD BLOW!” Aqua roared, and leapt forward, her fist glowing with power. The Devil Queen caught her fist in her hand, looking amused.

“Your attack had some holy energy, but you’ve Fallen, haven’t you? Well, I suppose it wouldn’t be the first time a hero deflowered a goddess.”

“Leggo you jerk! I only got to kiss Kazuma so far!” Aqua shrieked, trying to pull away from the Devil Queen.

“HANDS OFF MY BEST FRIEND!” Kazuma cried, and raised Chunchumaru high. “VORPAL SLASH!”

It was the most potent art of the Swordsmaster class, a blow that could cut through anything, used against the fiercest of foes to lay them low in a single attack.

The Devil Queen smirked, caught the attack on an armored gauntlet, then grabbed Kazuma by his collar and held him up. “If you were a proper advanced class, that would have killed me. But you’re still a low level Adventurer. How you defeated my father, even in his advanced age…I’ll never understand.”

“LET GO OF MY PARENTS!” Haruhi shrieked, and leapt up, her sword glowing. “VORPAL-”

“Yeah, fuck this, I’m going home,” Fujiwara snarled, and a portal opened up, showing a picture of a far off classroom. “Even Mikuru isn’t worth this.”

“Screw, the gods,” Tanya gasped, and reached into her own pocket. “Activating…Anti-Magic Field.”

The antimagic field snapped back into place, but then collapsed in on itself, sucked into the portal that became wildly unstable, flickering through dozens of images from across time and space.

“YOU FOOLS!” the Devil Queen shrieked, the portal starting to grow in size, engulfing the still unconscious Yuki and Visha.

“AHHHH! KAZUMA, HELP!” Aqua screamed, wrapping her free arm about Kazuma, who clung to her in turn.

“-SLASH!” Haruhi finished, but her blade connected with the expanding portal. Time and space were ripped asunder, and the entire group vanished in a flash.