The Melancholy of Kazuma Sato, Chapter 47 (Patreon)

Itsuki steepled his fingers, and leaned forward slightly, tilting his head so that the light would reflect off of his sunglasses. Just like Gendo. Calm. Keep calm. Haruhi would guide him through this. Somehow. Wherever she was.

“Miss Kimidori. You must know that we have Asakura. What is it that you, or more precisely, the Data Overmind, wants?”

Kimidori smiled at Itsuki, then picked up her cup of tea. She blew on it, then inhaled, before finally taking a sip. She set her cup down again and sighed. “If you have that unit, I’m afraid that’s none of my concern. You seem to have disposed of her, and of Unit 000 at the same time.”

“Yuki Nagato is just fine, thank you,” Itsuki lied. Where was she? Where was Haruhi? It had been almost a full day since their disappearance, and things were already falling apart completely.

“A bluff, or a bald faced lie? So hard to tell with you, Koizumi. No, Unit 000 is gone. Destroyed, or simply vanished, it does not matter. She’s off the table.” Kimidori leaned forward, smiling cutely. But her eyes were cold as ice. “And Haruhi Suzumiya is gone as well.”

“They’re still around. Regardless, what is your point? You are not Haruhi’s minder, and Yuki Nagato is her own person,” Itsuki shot back.

“A very different line than the one you took previously,” Kimidori mused. She took another sip of tea, then smiled again. “If you do not produce Haruhi Suzumiya and Yuki Nagato, I shall allow the world to be destroyed in three days' time.”

Ice ran down Itsuki’s spine, but he forced himself to snort derisively. “Oh? That sounds a rather empty threat to me.”

“The Sky Canopy Dominion has gone rampant. It is fixed on acquiring Haruhi Suzumiya. Previously, I had reason to prevent this, as she was of interest to the Data Overmind,” Kimidori said, smiling her empty smile with her fingers laced around her tea cup. “However, with two of my more valuable assets taken from me, and Haruhi Suzumiya nowhere to be found…I see no reason not to simply allow this to happen. So. Produce my interfaces as well as Haruhi within three days, or I allow the Sky Canopy Dominion to devour the world.”

With that, Kimidori polished off her tea, then stood and bowed. “Thank you for the tea. It was delicious.”

Then she walked out of the cafe she and Itsuki had been meeting in.

With a trembling hand, he slowly took off his sunglasses, setting them on the table. He rubbed at his eyes, not knowing what to do, or to say.

“Well, by your expression I assume that it didn’t go super amazing for you. So, what’s your big plan now, Mr. Man in Black?”

“Shut up, Kazuma,” Koizumi growled. He looked up, half expecting to see the youthful annoyance. He was somewhat heartened to see a balding office drone with a beer gut.

Actually, wasn’t Haruhi’s father only in his mid 30s or something? That made it even sweeter.

“Kids these days. Can’t let go of old grudges,” Kazuma sighed, then noisily sipped his latte. He was doing that on purpose, Koizumi was certain. “Well, anyway, what’d the alien bitch say?”

“That the world will be destroyed in three days’ time if we do not locate Haruhi and return Asakura and Nagato to her,” Koizumi groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

“That’s it? Well damn, that’s plenty of time. Darkness is still sitting on the crazy robot chick, but we can maybe ransom her for a few more days,” Kazuma the elder said, and sucked loudly at his drink again.

“But where IS Haruhi!? Don’t you KNOW?! Haven’t you done all this before? And don’t give me any crap about branching timelines or telling me about destroying the future! I have more need to know than anyone!” Koizumi growled, stabbing the table with a finger.

“Bit full of yourself, aren’t you?” Kazuma asked.

“I could crush your head like a melon. With my mind.” Damn. Kazuma really did bring out the worst in Koizumi. Or, maybe it was the fact that he’d just found out the world was going to end, his one true love had vanished with the others, and God was AWOL.

Where was Kyon when you needed him to crack a joke and diffuse the tension?

“See, this is what you don’t get, Koizumi. You’re so fun to rile up. You act all cool, and yet you’re just a kid who’s trying to wear a suit too big for him. So when I can get your goat…it’s just so fulfilling.”

Sluuuuurrrrrppppp.

Koizumi’s eye twitched, and he very nearly egregiously abused his god-given powers to explode that stupid latte all over Kazuma’s cheap suit. But he was mature and in control, so he didn’t. “Well? Don’t you have any actual insight to where they’ve gone?”

“Well when it was me and my Aqua, we didn’t run into our past selves. Sure, we still met you all in our past, but things turned out rather differently. For one thing, the alternate world we visited wasn’t gender flipped, we were all just furries.”

“Really?” Itsuki’s eyes narrowed in sudden suspicion. “You’re just having one over on me, aren’t you?”

“Thalia was a cat-girl,” Kazuma said, giving Koizumi a smug grin. “Funny, because she’s a former water goddess and all that. You were a fox, appropriately enough.”

“What were you, a rat?” Itsuki snapped, losing his patience. “But it doesn’t matter! We have to find a way to stop this!”

“Well, don’t you have an agency of super powerful espers? Why don’t you try that and work from there,” Kazuma said with a shrug.

Itsuki opened his mouth, then shut it. He took a drink from his now lukewarm tea, and grimaced. “Yeah. I suppose.”

“Cool. I’ll get with the lads and see what we can cook up.”

“The lads. You mean Subaru and Ryuuguuin. What could you three possibly do?” Itsuki demanded.

“Oh, Darkness too. Don’t let the boobs fool you, she’s one of the boys. And kid: You have no idea.”

The grin Kazuma gave Itsuki was warmer than Kimidori’s, but it made him shiver much more. Dirty old man.

=-=-=-=--==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Kazuma sat slouched with his back resting against the table in the guild hall, his arms spread wide. Aqua sat down next to him, and he covertly put an arm around her shoulders, just to test what would happen. She snuggled up to him, resting her head on his shoulder. It felt…nice. It was still a bit weird to think of Aqua as a woman, but…she was his best friend. It was weird, but it would be fun.

Glancing around, Kazuma saw Yuki and Kyon sitting much the same way, though they were holding hands. Sheesh. Leave the lewdness to private time, you perverts. Haruhi was grinning and looking around excitedly, while Mikuru was fussing with that fancy new hat she’d gotten. Apparently, she was now the Pope of Haruhiism or something.

She was probably a real upgrade to Zestia though. Randy old bastard.

Iris stepped onto the table in front of them, with Megumin shuffling in and sitting next to Aqua. She looked flustered and irritated still, but actually that wasn’t too unusual for her. She was really pretty now; she’d grown into quite the woman, even if she was still rather short and flat as a boy. Kazuma felt a pang of regret, but tamped it down. They really wouldn’t have worked out, it seemed.

“Heroes, goddesses, it seems the kingdom has need of you once more,” Iris said, looking out over the assembled few.

“Oh calm down Iris,” Kazuma sighed, shaking his head. “No matter how old you are, you’re still my little sister. You don’t need to get all dramatic.”

“Shut up, Kazuma! This is epic! Maybe YOU don’t want to hear a queen give a badass inspirational speech, but I do!” Haruhi said eagerly.

Megumin eyed Haruhi sideways. “Hmph. It seems someone has an appropriate grasp of drama and the gravitas of the situation.”

“Well, I suppose the situation does call for something more intimate,” Iris said, giving Kazuma a wink. She hopped down off the table, much to Megumin and Haruhi’s annoyance, and motioned them all in close. After some shuffling, they all ended up seated around the same table, and Iris continued.

“Once more, the Daughter of the Devil King, Kyoichi, has emerged. She served under the previous Devil Queen, but this time has declared herself to be the Devil Queen, and already monsters are rallying to her banner,” Iris explained.

“Didn’t you fight her at the capitol? How’d that go, anyway?” Kazuma asked curiously.

Iris tossed her head and smirked. “I am standing here before you, am I not? Beat her like yesterday's laundry.”

“Nice,” Kazuma said, and gave Iris a high five, which she eagerly returned.

“If you beat her, why is she still around?” Kyon demanded, frowning at Iris.

The queen sighed and shook her head. “I defeated her and drove her off, but I did not manage to slay her. She was and is a mighty foe, and perhaps the greatest evil that still plagues the land. My hope is, once she is destroyed, Belzerg can have peace for the first time in living memory.”

“So you’re charging us with a mighty quest to seek her out and destroy her!?” Haruhi asked excitedly, standing up and bouncing on the balls of her feet like she was some sort of hyperactive puppy.

“In a word: Yes. Unfortunately, after the last battle with the Devil Queen Komekko, our forces are still recovering, and in no shape to attack the foe again.” Iris grimaced, and shook her head. “And I am required to defend what we do hold, lest it fall to this newly resurgent Devil Queen.”

“Damn, leaving your big bro high and dry again?” Kazuma sighed, shaking his head.

“Oh stop it, Kazuma,” Aqua said, flicking his ear and making him turn to glare at her. Aqua stood up and flexed her arm. “Don’t worry, Iris! The Axis Cult can, er…”

Aqua looked suddenly downtrodden and forlorn, as if realizing that the Axis Cult really was no more. There was a moment of awkward silence, until Kazuma stood up and ruffled Aqua’s hair.

“The SOS Brigade is on the case, Little Sis. Don’t worry; your Big Bro will handle this one.”

Aqua gave Kazuma a grateful look, even as Haruhi cackled and jumped up on a table herself.

“That’s right! To spread joy and cheer across the land, and to smite evil wherever we find it, the SOS Brigade will defeat the Devil Queen and save the world!”

“I suppose it wouldn’t be the first time we saved the world,” Kyon mused. Then he smirked up at the preening Haruhi. “Though it would be the first time we don’t save it from ourselves.”

“That’s right! We have lots of experience saving the world from- HEY!” Haruhi stamped her foot and glared down at Kyon, but was interrupted by Iris laughing.

“I’m sorry, but you really do remind me of Big Bro, and I can certainly see how you would be Lady Aqua’s daughter as well,” Iris tittered, her laughter surprisingly delicate for a woman of her physique. She bowed to Haruhi. “I shall leave this mission in your capable hands, goddess. Or should I call you my niece?”

“Meh. He’s not my real dad anyway,” Haruhi said with a derisive snort.

“I’m too young to have a daughter that old,” Kazuma grumbled, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Hmph. The Crimson Demon Clan will lend its aid to this foolish endeavor, for surely you shall require the might of my Explosion Magic to lay low this foe!” Megumin declared, standing up on the table and posing behind Haruhi.

“That’s nice and all,” Kyon said, stifling a yawn. “But do you have a map or something? Where are we supposed to go, anyway?”

“Fool! We trek towards the Devil King’s former castle! An abode that your seniors as adventurers know all too well!” Megumin cackled, raising her staff on high as the crystal atop it glowed red. “WE TREAD NOW THE PATH MOST PERILOUS, LET THOSE WHO ARE FAINT OF HEART TURN BACK NOW!”

“You just hope I have another wagonload of manatite so you can blow up another army,” Kazuma said, shaking his head.

Megumin paused, and licked her lips. “Do you?”

“The royal treasury shall outfit your party for the journey,” Iris decreed. “Whatever you need, be it manatite or powerful magic items, it shall be given.”

Kazuma mulled that over, then nodded. “I need one thing.”

“Oh?” Iris looked at him, expectantly.

Kazuma turned, his eyes meeting Megumin’s. “Where is Chunchumaru?”

A wicked grin spread over Megumin’s face, her eyes gleaming their deepest crimson, as Iris sighed and shook her head. “THE BLADE OF HEROES OF OLD SHALL BE DRAWN ONCE MORE! COME! WE MUST SALLY FORTH! TO THE CRIMSON DEMON VILLAGE!”

“Well, that’s the closest point to start from towards the Devil King’s castle anyway,” Iris agreed. She surprised Kazuma by pulling him into a sudden, fierce hug. She really was quite mature now, and Kazuma had to remind himself that incest was a trash fetish, and that she was his little sister even if she was older than he was now.

“Come back to me this time, Kazuma,” Iris whispered, and Kazuma felt dampness on his cheek. He realized they were both crying, and he returned the hug.

“I promise. I lived through the last one, didn’t I?”

“Just don’t take ten years, alright?” Iris ordered, and stepped back, smiling at Kazuma wanly. “I expect you to be there on my wedding day, alright?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Kazuma agreed, and gave Iris’ arms a final squeeze before turning to Megumin. “Right. Well, I just left there, so naturally we should go back to chuuni town.”

Fortunately, there were still a number of actual Crimson Demons hanging around Axel, which meant getting a teleport there wasn’t going to be a major challenge. Yunyun was even waiting outside, apparently even ten years wasn’t enough to get over her stalker tendencies.

“Kazuma! Aqua! Welcome back!” Yunyun said, hurrying over and smiling at both of them.

“Hmm, something’s different about you,” Kazuma said, rubbing his chin and looking Yunyun up and down, which made her blush and Aqua roll her eyes. After a moment, Kazuma snapped his fingers. “You got a haircut!”

Instead of the twin braids she’d worn before, Yunyun had her hair tied back in a single loose braid down her back. Her outfit was also more modest, looking closer to traditional Crimson Demon robes without the dangerously low cut she’d used before. She also seemed slightly less nervous, and at least a little more sure of herself.

“At least you didn’t make some rude and perverted remark, Kazuma,” Megumin snorted. She turned to Yunyun. “We require transport back to the Village. We shall set forth from there to give battle to the Devil King once more.”

“Oh! Um, already? Will you…be alright, Megumin?” Yunyun asked, a bit of her nervous nature creeping back in.

“I’ll be fine,” Megumin huffed. “I just broke up with Trashzuma. It’s not like I had to give up Explosion magic, or…or…Komekko is alive, so it didn’t count!”

“We just need a ride back to the village,” Kazuma told Yunyun. “Gotta save the world again and all that.”

“Oh! Ok, I can do that.” Yunyun looked over at Iris, who nodded to her.

“Once more, we thank the Crimson Demon Clan for their service in our darkest hours,” Iris said seriously, nodding to Yunyun. “Do what you can, Chief Yunyun. I must hurry to the front, and aid my troops in turning back the tide of evil once more.”

Yunyun bowed in return. “It is my honor to aid these heroes once more, my Queen. The Crimson Demon Clan shall not be found wanting in the kingdom’s hour of need.”

“I never doubted you.” Iris paused long enough to give Aqua, Megumin, and Kazuma one last hug, and to bow to Haruhi. “Good luck, Lady Haruhi. I would say godspeed, but that seems redundant in your case.”

“Ha! Don’t worry about it! The SOS Brigade will triumph over evil once more. Now let’s get going to this mysterious Village of Demons!” Haruhi said excitedly, turning to Yunyun.

Yunyun groaned softly and shook her head. “She’s going to fit in a little too well…”

“Hmph. We haven’t had a really interesting goddess in ages. This one at least seems to understand our culture,” Megumin said, nodding in satisfaction at Haruhi.

Kyon leaned closer to Kazuma. “Is their culture ‘absolutely bonkers?’”

“Worse. You’ll see,” Kazuma told him with a shake of his head.

“I think I already have a pretty good idea,” Kyon grumbled. “I do want to know where they learned Dragon Force though.”

Kazuma frowned as they all joined hands at Yunyun’s direction, and she prepared her teleport spell. He turned to Aqua. “How DID they learn Dragon Force, anyway?”

“Eh, I’ve isekai’d enough Japanese people that SOMEONE had to be a speed metal fan,” Aqua said with a shrug.

“You really do work hard on that screening process before you send idiots here to get themselves killed, don’t you?” Kazuma said with a snort as Yunyun finished her spell.

“I wouldn’t talk,” Kyon told him. “She did pick you after all.”

The only reason Kazuma didn’t kick Kyon in the nuts is that he suddenly remembered what had happened the first time he’d been teleported to the Crimson Demon Village, and past trauma reared its ugly head.

Which was 100% the reason why Kazuma jumped in Aqua’s arms and looked around in fear when a giant loomed over them when they arrived in the Crimson Demon Village.

“AAAAAH! AQUA SAVE ME IT’S THE ORCS!” Kazuma screamed, trembling like a leaf on the wind.

“Orcs?” the giant boomed in a deep male voice, which assuaged Kazuma’s fears somewhat. “Let them show themselves that I might strike them down with all my fury!”

“Bukkororii, calm down, Kazuma’s just traumatized,” Yunyun said, patting the foremost NEET of the Crimson Demon clan on the shoulder.

“Ha! How could a man who escaped death fear something as pathetic as a feeble orc?” Bukkororii demanded, striking yet another dramatic pose. Instead of the thin youth Kazuma remembered, he’d filled out, and was now missing an eye.

That, or he’d just put an eye patch on over that scar. It was hard to tell with Crimson Demons.

“Aqua, you can put me down now,” Kazuma said timidly, double checking with a look around to make sure there were no orcs around. Instead, he had just humiliated himself in front of the entire Crimson Demon Clan, and worse, Haruhi was laughing at him.

“I dunno, it’s kinda of nice to hold you now,” Aqua said, giving Kazuma a squeeze back.

“Yeah, but it’s the guy who’s supposed to bridal carry the girl, not the other way around!” Kazuma protested.

“Ok.” Aqua unceremoniously dumped Kazuma on the ground, which caused him to let out a yip of pain.

“Hey Yuki, you should try carrying Kyon like that,” Haruhi sniggered. “Show him who the one with the pants on in the relationship is.”

Yuki looked down at her own clothes, which still consisted of her school uniform skirt, then at Kyon’s. The diminutive alien looked back at Haruhi. “Kyon wears pants.”

Haruhi sighed and shook her head, while Kyon shifted uncomfortably. “Er, that’s not quite what she meant, Yuki. She’s pointing out that Kazuma and I, er…”

“Have excellent taste in women!” Bukkororii interrupted, coming over to slap Kyon on the back, causing him to let out a yip and Yuki to look over sharply. Then he turned around and shouted. “HEY EVERYONE! THE CHIEF’S BACK, AND SHE BROUGHT KAZUMA AND A BUNCH OF STRANGERS!”

“Oh no,” Kazuma groaned, standing up and rubbing his aching tailbone.

“Um, are you OK?” Mikuru asked, coming over with her healer’s staff. “I-I could heal you…”

“Hey! Kazuma’s my boyfriend, I’ll heal him if something needs healing. He’s just being a baby,” Aqua declared.

“It’s not my tailbone,” Kazuma sighed. “Anyone got any earplugs?”

Before anyone could answer, Bukkororii suddenly struck another dramatic pose. “ALLOW ME TO BE THE FIRST TO WELCOME YOU, STRANGERS! BEHOLD! I AM BUKKORORII! FOREMOST COBBLER OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND HE WHO HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WIFE!”

“Awww, did you finally get with Soketto?” Aqua asked, clapping her hands.

“Took him five years after you left for her to finally ask him out,” Megumin said with a derisive sniff. “If not for her, he’d still be a useless NEET living above his father’s shop.”

“H-hey! I-I would have asked her out soon!” Bukkororii protested, but then the deluge began.

First was Soketto, leaping out of a window, causing glass to shatter everywhere. Kazuma guessed that either the Crimson Demons put sugar glass on their houses for just such occasions, not something he’d put past them in the slightest, or she was willing to risk severe bodily harm for the sake of drama. Also not something he’d put past them in the slightest.

“BEHOLD, I AM SOKETTO! FOREMOST SEER OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN AND SHE WHO HAS THE ALL SEEING EYE OF TERROR!”

“BEHOLD, I AM-”

“BEHOLD!”

“BEHOLD!”

“Oh I get it,” Kyon said, sighing heavily as more villagers raced up to introduce themselves. “They’re all insane chuunibyous.”

“Yeah,” Kazuma agreed. “Only problem is, these wackos actually DO have dark terrible powers beyond mortal ken.”

“Let me guess: they were started by some shut in from our world?”

“Just the worst sort of asshole imaginable.”

“Figures.”

However, once the villagers had boisterously introduced themselves, Haruhi jumped up on top of Mikuru and Kyon’s shoulders, who looked distinctly unhappy at having to lift up their leader.

“MWA-HA-HA-HA! Behold! I am Haruhi Suzumiya! Foremost Goddess of Belzerg, and she who will lead the SOS Brigade on their crusade to destroy the Devil Queen! Kneel before me and despair, foolish mortals!”

“Ooooooo!” the assembled clan said, and several of them clapped politely.

“No one’s given us such a good introduction in ages! Not even the hero Kazuma Sato gave such a good accounting of himself on his first visit!” Bukkoroii said, applauding enthusiastically.

Kyon gave Kazuma an incredulous look as he set Haruhi down, who was waving and blowing kisses to her adoring audience.

“Look, it’s like this,” Kazuma said, holding up a finger.

Kyon quirked an eyebrow at him.

“Yeah I got nothing. Look: I had a phase in middle school, OK?”

“Why am I just not surprised?” Kyon said with a shake of his head. Then he clapped his hands together loudly. “Alright, people! Enough fun and games! We need to get outfitted for our suicide mission to take on the Devil Queen. We’re going to need manatite, appropriate adventuring gear, weapons, food, and most importantly: a map. Because honestly I really don’t feel like getting hopelessly lost.”

“A perilous quest?!” the Crimson Demons gasped in excitement.

“Yes,” Soketto agreed, putting a hand to her forehead and swooning dramatically into Bukkororii’s arms. “I can see their fate, and it is dark and terrible indeed!”

Wild cheers broke out from the audience, and several of the Crimson Demons hastened forward.

“I’m the foremost black smith of the Crimson Demon Clan! Come to my shop to buy your weapons for your terrible quest!”

“As the foremost baker, it is my duty to bake you rations for your doomed journey!”

“You simply must come to me! I’m the foremost tailor, and I’ll see you properly dressed up for your fateful deeds!”

“Form a line, form a line!” Kyon ordered, shooing everyone into an orderly queue. “And we’ll be taking bids. Now, what are your prices, Mr. Blacksmith? And who are the other smiths in town?”

“Oh, I’m the only one! That’s why I’m the foremost! My blades are the finest in the village!”

Kyon’s eye twitched slightly. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Nope. And don’t ask what the staff at the succubus maid cafe are like,” Kazuma told him, patting the poor beleaguered Kyon on the shoulder.

“Neither succubi nor maids? Never mind, it doesn’t matter. Right, here’s a list of supplies I need,” Kyon said, and then rattled off various weapons to the smith.

“And make sure my sword is a katana!” Haruhi said excitedly. “Everyone knows that Katanas are the superior weapon!”

The smith, who was a bespectacled man in his middle years, pushed his glasses up on his nose, causing them to gleam dangerously in the late morning sun. “Um, actually, I think you’ll find that katanas are overrated. Nothing beats the sheer killing power of precision Belzerg engineering. That is why the CAVALRY SABER is the superior weapon of choice for anyone who’s REALLY serious about dispatching their foes.”

“What?! That’s a load of crap! Japanese smiths only use SUPERIOR nippon steel, which has been folded over 500 times! The sheer killing power of a katana simply cannot be beat!” Haruhi argued back. “Plus, we’re not going as cavalry!”

“Ha! You katana-weebs are all the same! Let me tell you, a katana might be ok if your smith knows  what he’s doing, but-”

“Hey, you know what’s really stupid?” Kyon said, interrupting the absolutely inane debate.

“Huh?” the smith said, swinging his head around to blink at Kyon.

“Arguing with god. God, say hi.”

“Hi!” Haruhi said, waving brightly.

“Hmph. As a Crimson Demon, I regularly argue with gods and demons! In fact, I have a god chained up to power my forge right now!”

“Really?” Haruhi asked, looking scandalized.

“No,” Yunyun sighed. She walked over and smacked the blacksmith upside the back of his head. “Mazupilli! Stop lying! You just have the soul of a black dragon chained up, not a dark god!”

“Awww, but that doesn’t sound nearly as interesting! Plus, it was a really BIG dragon! Maybe it was a god!” the smith protested.

“Ok, how about this. What’s even dumber than arguing with god?” Kyon demanded.

Mazupili the smith scratched at the scraggly beard on his chin. “Arguing with your wife?”

“Well, possibly that too. But I was going to say: Arguing with a paying customer. Make Haruhi her damn katana. NEXT!” Kyon bellowed.

“You are just no fun at all,” Haruhi grumbled as Kyon corralled the Crimson Demons into providing the necessary supplies for their upcoming trip.

“Welcome to Belzerg’s largest open air insane asylum. The beer on tap at the pub is great, but don’t listen to their lies about mixed baths,” Kazuma told Haruhi.

“Ew. I’m not taking a mixed bath with my dad,” Haruhi said, making a disgusted face.

“That’s not-! Look, my point is,” Kazuma began, riling himself up for a really good argument.

“I dunno, a bath with Kazuma sounds relaxing,” Aqua mused, and immediately slammed the brakes on every single train of thought in Kazuma’s head.

“I…” Kazuma slowly turned, a stupid grin slowly spreading over his face. “What was that, dear?”

“I said I think I’d like a bath, especially a hot one!” Aqua said brightly. “Hey Yunyun, can Kazuma and I use your hotsprings?”

“Sure, it seems like Kyon has this well in hand. But, um, it’s not supposed to be a mixed bath, you know,” Yunyun cautioned.

“Well then no one come in on us. Come on, Kazuma, you can wash my back!” Aqua said, and led Kazuma off towards the bath house.

He very nearly said, “It’s too early for a bath” but strangled that stupid voice in the back of his head with every fiber of his being. He had just realized that he could think of Aqua as a woman. And he needed to, as Yuki would put it, “acquire additional data.”

=-=-=--==--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

“This is it?”

Tanya looked out over the motley collection of monsters and human rabble that Devil Queen Kyoichi had assembled for her. They were a disparate band of ogres, goblins, demons, human outlaws, and various breeds of horrifying monstrosities.

There just weren’t very many of them, and they lacked any sort of discipline.

“What do you mean?” Kyoichi demanded, frowning down at her diminutive new general. “This is a force that could make the world tremble! Already, my minions assault Belzerg! Where the usurper failed, I shall succeed!”

Tanya clicked her tongue in disappointment, and shook her head. “Not with a bunch of untrained fools like this you won’t. They can’t even assemble properly! Do they think as a cohesive unit? What about their military discipline! Logistics! Esprit de corps! What you have is a gaggle of goons, and not an army!”

Kyoichi snorted. “Well, this is the army I give you, general. You may do with it what you wish, but the enemy will be counter attacking soon. Whatever you are going to do, do it quickly.”

With that, the Devil Queen turned around and stalked back into her ruined castle. Tanya ground her teeth for a moment, then turned to Fujiwara, who was adjusting his uniform and making a face.

“Do we HAVE to dress like Nazis? I’m all for an evil plan as much as the next guy, but this is a bit cliche,” Fujiwara whined.

“We dress as proud soldiers of the Empire, which are NOT Nazis!” Tanya barked, jabbing the boy in the gut with her elbow. He let out a gasp of pain and doubled over. Tanya waited for him to collect himself. “Can you use some sort of time bubble to give us extra time to train?”

“What, like the Room of Spirit and Time?” Fujiwara gasped, his eyes still watering as he straightened back up.

“If you are making some sort of reference to otaku culture, I have better taste than that,” Tanya said, grimacing in disgust.

“You want me to let you train the army for an hour but have it pass as- nevermind. No, I can’t do that. I can take a small group back in time, but I’m not a wizard. I can’t make a weird time bubble.”

Tanya nodded. “Then we shall have to use the Advanced training course.”

She turned slowly to the group of monsters, a grin spreading over her face. Even the oni and ogres trembled slightly at seeming the manic grin on the Devil of the Rhine.

“Oh, do not worry so much about me,” Tanya told them. “I am the general. The general does not train the troops herself.”

The foolish forces of darkness breathed a sigh of relief.

“She leaves that to her junior officers!”

A massive explosion rent the air above the army, and there was much howling and crying.

“YOU ARE A PATHETIC LOT OF MAGGOTS NOT FIT TO LICK THE BOOTS OF A SOLDIER OF THE EMPIRE!” Visha roared, tossing another bomb to the left of the army and sending a few of them flying in the blast wave. “THIS IS HOW YOU RESPOND TO AN ATTACK! YOU SHALL LEARN THE FIRST AND MOST FEARSOME WEAPON OF A SOLDIER!”

“Kill her with magic!” an ogre shaman cried, only for Visha to draw a pistol and shoot the offender in the foot.

“No, you fool! A shovel! You have until the bombardment begins to dig yourselves a hole you can survive in!”

“Bombardment?”

The minions looked around, and realized Tanya was gone.

“Yes,” Visha said, grinning viciously. “I am told you know of one called Megumin the Mad. I assure you: the fury she can rain down upon you is nothing compared to what Herr General Tanya can do. NOW DIG!”

Frantically, the new recruits into the army of Tanya the Evil began to dig foxholes, all while a mad russian swore at them.