A Cat is Fine, Too, Two (Patreon)

Sometimes, Kazuma sort of forgot that Aqua had a maxed-out strength stat. When he woke up the next day short a tooth, he resolved not to forget it again.

“Hey Megumin, hasn’t it been a while since you went home?” Kazuma at dinner the next day.

“I don’t know, Pervzuma. I feel like this is my home now. Don’t you agree, Darkness?” Megumin said, sipping at her spoonful of soup.

“Yes, this has truly become my home as well, Megumin. Kazutrash, will you pass the rolls?” Darkness said.

“Here,” Kazuma said, handing over the bread. “Look, I just think, maybe we should go back to your village, check things out. I’ve never met your family, but I’ve met Darkness’ dad and Aqua’s whole wacky cult.”

“Oh PedoNEET, you barely got to know my wonderful Axis Cult,” Aqua said, dipping her finger in Kazuma’s soup bowl.

Kazuma grimaced. “Yeah, wonderful. I- HEY! YOU PURIFIED MY SOUP!”

“Maybe you should eat on the floor like the dog you are,” Megumin growled. She smiled, turning to the individual sitting to her left. “What do you think, Chomusuke? Should we make the mongrel beg for his meal?”

Chomusuke hissed at Kazuma, causing the three other girls to nod.

“What a pervert!” they said in stereo.

Kazuma groaned.

A few days later though, Yunyun barged in, babbling about having to find someone to sire a child on her, because their village was doomed.

“The Devil King’s army i-is attacking! I-I have to have a child w-who will one day defeat him, b-but I don’t even know any guys I would w-want to date!” Yunyun wailed.

“I mean, I would go on a date with you,” Kazuma offered.

Yunyun gave Kazuma a disgusted look. “Megumin’s told me what you’ve t-tried, P-Pervzuma.”

“I don’t know,” Megumin said, glancing down to her lap where Chomusuke was currently curled up and napping. “I mean, that letter is kind of ambiguous. They could all be fine and you’re worried about nothing.”

“B-but it says the Devil King is attacking!” Yunyun said, waving her arms frantically

“Look, if the Devil King is there, we have to be there too. After all, we did say we’d beat him, right?” Kazuma demanded.

Megumin’s eyes just narrowed. “You just want to do something weird to my cat.”

“LOOK IT’S NOT THE CAT IT’S THE HOT ELF GIRL YOU HAVE TRAPPED INSIDE YOUR CAT!” Kazuma ranted.

Yunyun, Aqua, and even Darkness gave Kazuma disgusted looks. Megumin blushed and looked down, cringing slightly. “W-well…if it would help my little sister…it’s been a while since I saw Komekko…”

At the mention of “Komekko,” Chomusuke bolted out of Megumin’s lap with a panicked yowl and went to hide under Megumin’s bed. It took them a good hour to pry the cat out with treats and assurances, but in the end, they all agreed to set off for the Crimson Demon Village the next day.

The trip turned out to be a short one, as Yunyun was a proper Crimson Demon and knew how to cast Teleport. The Crimson Demons were as wacky as anyone Kazuma had ever met, but a few poses and paraphrasing Goku’s super Saiyan speech from Dragon Ball Z made him an instant hit with the town.

Of course, it turned out that the ones in danger from the Devil King’s army invasion were, in fact, the Devil King's army. Since attacking a town of genetically engineered super soldiers who all have phenomenal cosmic power and an intense desire to show off said incredible power tends not to work out well for the ones bullying the overly chuuni demigods. These wizards didn’t even bother with subtlety, though Kazuma noted it was actually pretty hard to make them angry most of the time. For a bunch of OP loons, they were pretty chill.

Still, it was a bit awkward when Megumin’s mother locked him in her room with her, even while she was passed out from blowing up a significant chunk of the Devil King’s army.

However, that gave Kazuma the perfect chance: he tied up Chomusuke and snuck out of the window, as he had found several vials of the Animal Speak potion in Megumin’s father’s laboratory. It turned out he was the weirdo supplying Wiz with most of her useless items.

Small world.

Sneaking out to a nearby hill, Kazuma force-fed Chomusuke the potion over the cat’s increasingly verbose protests.

“Unhand me! The power is mine! Mine! That filthy two legs shall not steal my body! I AM THE TRUE GODDESS OF SLOTH AND VIOLENCE! THE WORSHIP OF THE TWO LEGS IS MY DUE!” Chomusuke shrieked as Kazuma forced the last of the potion down her gullet.

“Shut up, will you?” Kazuma grumbled. He grabbed Chomusuke’s tail, and started his drain touch as the cat continued to spit and hurl insults at him while ranting about being a goddess.

It took a little while, but at last, Kazuma was rewarded when Chomusuke’s form shifted, and Kat returned.

“Nearly free,” Kat moaned, shuddering and wrapping her arms around herself. She looked at Kazuma gratefully, then took his hand in hers, ignoring the fact that she was still in the nude. “Please. Keep going. You’ll have to take nearly all of it. I just…I can’t go back to being a cat!”

“You got it,” Kazuma said, readying his spell. He hesitated a moment. “Um, will this really kill Chomusuke? I mean, Megumin does love that little cat and all…”

“I don’t care! Would you rather have that stupid feline, or me?!” Kat demanded. She took Kazuma’s hand, and put it right on her left breast.

“You, definitely you,” Kazuma panted. “Let’s do this.”

“Mmmm,” a voice said behind him. “I think we should make this a Ménage à Trois.”

Kat gasped, and stepped back, raising her hands in a warding gesture. “Stay back! I warn you!”

“Oh, dearest Wolbach, don’t think I don't recognize you,” the tall, dark skinned woman Kazuma recognized as General Sylvia laughed, her voice low and throaty. “Just what are you doing naked with this snack, dearest Wolly? And here I thought you had an enforced vow of chastity and all that.”

“Hey, back off!” Kazuma said, putting his hand on Chunchumaru. “I’m just trying to help this- did you say Wolbach?”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” Sylvia asked, her tone amused. “That, my dear boy, is my fellow general Wolbach. I have been ever so curious as to what happened to you, my dear. You vanished at the same time as poor Hans. And here I find you consorting with the enemy. Did you take this boy into your bed?”

“He’s mine, Sylvia,” Wolbach growled, stepping forward to stand beside Kazuma. “Together, we’re more than a match for you. Go away.”

“Mmm, I think not. You see, I’ve been watching. These Crimson Demons had you locked away here for ages, didn’t they? And you mentioned how part of your power was sealed…they used the cat, didn’t they?” Sylvia guessed.

Sweat broke out on Wolbach’s forehead. “That’s…that’s none of your business.”

“Wait, you mean…Megumin defeated you?” Kazuma asked. “But how?! She turned you into a cat!?”

“Not the time!” Wolbach hissed, glaring at Kazuma.

“Oh yes,” Sylvia chuckled. “I think it’s VERY much the time. Don’t you?”

“Sylvia, I am still the Goddess of Sloth and Destruction, and your fellow general. This is my affair, leave, or I shall be forced to-”

“Turn back into a cat? Please do. I’ve always wanted to be a goddess myself,” Sylvia laughed. She batted her eyes at Wolbach. “And once I’ve absorbed you, well, lover boy here is cute, isn’t he? I’ll just have a pet of my own…and perhaps I’ll even make him a cat.”

“Uh, contrary to popular opinion, I’m not into beastiality,” Kazuma interjected.

“Oh but I am, darling!” Sylvia declared. Her arm lashed out, stretching unnaturally towards Wolbach.

Without thinking, Kazuma shoved Wolbach out of the way and drew Chunchumaru, slicing at Sylvia’s limb. Unfortunately for him, direct combat was very much not his forte, and he was knocked to the ground in a daze. He could only watch as Sylvia dashed forward, lifting Wolbach up in a tight grip.

“Yes…yes I can sense the power…ahh, it’s not the mage killer, but I can incorporate you all the same. Now be a dear and go back to being a cat, hmm?”

“Go to hell,” Wolbach coughed, kicking her legs futilely. “I’ll never…be…a prisoner…again…”

“Create water!” Kazuma shouted, and doused Sylvia with a stream of fresh, clean water.

Sylvia’s lip curled and she turned towards Kazuma. “What, did you want to see my tits through my dress? One naked pair not enough for you? Oh don't’ worry, by the time I’m through with you, you’ll-”

“FREEZE!” Kazuma said, and Sylvia was instantly coated in a layer of ice. He slashed Chunchumaru down, but didn’t manage to cut off Sylvia’s arm that held Wolbach. He tried again, then again, and finally got her free, even as the ice began to crack, and Sylvia moved.

“Come on!” Kazuma said, grabbing Wolbach and getting her to her feet. “Run!”

Wolbach could only cough and nod, and the two of them sprinted down the hill. They didn’t get far before Kazuma crashed into a brick wall coming the other way.

“Kazuma!” Darkness gasped, reaching down to pick both him and Wolbach up. She blinked. “Wait, where did this woman come from?”

Groaning, Kazuma managed to stand. “That’s Chomusuke! Or rather, that’s-”

“Wolbach?!” Aqua demanded, stepping forward. “What are you doing here?!”

“I’ve been here all along, you blue haired bimbo!” Wolbach rasped, pointing accusingly at Aqua. “Kazuma was the only one who figured out what that little menace did to me, and tried to save me!”

“Kazuma, what did you do to Chomusuke?!” Megumin cried, gasping for breath as she staggered up in her PJs. She spotted Wolbach, and shouted, “You let her free!?”

“You KNEW!?” Kazuma demanded, rounding on Megumin.

“Of course, I knew! I’m the one that had to seal her in a cat after I accidentally let her out in the first place!” Megumin declared.

“Um, M-Megumin, maybe don’t admit that?” Yunyun said, shifting nervously from foot to foot in her fuzzy bunny slippers.

“That is not what happened and you know it!” Wolbach declared, planting her hands on her hips. “That menace you called a sister was the one who-”

“Sis, are we fighting?” Komekko said, yawning as she came around the corner, dragging a teddy bear by one arm.

“EEEK!” Wolbach shrieked and tried to hide behind Kazuma.

“Kazuma, out of the way! You have to let me take down this poser goddess!” Aqua said, putting up her dukes and shadowboxing. “I’ll put her back where she belongs!”

“All of you calm down!” Kazuma shouted. He glared at Megumin. “Look, you can’t just lock her up as a cat! That was totally an accident.”

“She’s a general of the Devil King and a dark goddess! OF COURSE I can seal her up as my familiar! That’s what any Crimson Demon would do!” Megumin argued.

Komekko nodded. “Or eat her!”

“Please don’t let that horrible creature near me,” Wolbach moaned, pressing herself close to Kazuma.

He shuddered slightly at feeling her body pressed to his, but nodded. “I’ll keep you safe. Just, um, you’re not evil, right?”

“OF COURSE SHE IS!” Megumin and Aqua said at the same time.

“Look, I will do whatever you want, Kazuma. Give up being a general of the Devil King? No problem, he’s a jerk anyway. Stop being a dark goddess? Better than having to be a hitchhiker in a cat’s mind. Give you a hand job every day for the rest of your life? Happy to! Just don’t…don’t! AAHHHH-NYAAAAAAAA!”

Kazuma turned around, horrified to see Chomusuke behind him. “No!”

“Hmph, serves her right,” Aqua muttered.

“Ha! I win again!” Megumin said, and posed.

Komekko licked her lips. “Ooh, midnight snackies!”

“Hold on,” Darkness said, frowning. “I think perhaps we may owe Kazuma an apology. Megumin, did you know he was not, ah, harassing your cat?”

“Um, well, I mean…I just didn’t want him unleashing a dark goddess?” Megumin offered.

“Are you serious!? She’s an innocent woman!” Kazuma protested.

Megumin gave him a dark look. “You just want her to give you a hand job.”

“What’s a hand job?” Komekko asked in her loud, clear voice.

Everyone paused awkwardly, uncertain of what to say.

Which was when Sylvia struck.

“Ha! You’re mine!” the general laughed, snatching up both Kazuma and Chomusuke. “The power of a god, and a new toy! Farewell, Crimson Losers, I-”

“FIREBALL!” Yunyunroared, and Sylvia swore as her dress caught fire.

Unfortunately for Kazuma, it wasn’t enough to save him, as Sylvia hustled both him and Chomusuke away, then tied them up and deposited them in her tent.

“Don’t go anywhere, my snack. I just need to prepare the ritual. And you stay here too, hot stuff,” Sylvia laughed. Then she strode away, off into the midst of her entire army.

Thankfully, Kazuma had the Escape Artist skill, and a moment later, he held up a vial of potion, holding it over Chomusuke. “Look, I don’t want you to die either, Chomusuke. You’re a good cat. Well, I mean, good as any cat can be. You’re kind of evil. Just drink this, and we’ll figure out how to separate the two of you. But I need Wolbach to get out of here.”

He put the vial to the cat’s lips, and to his shock, she drank from it. After a few sips, Chomusuke glared up at Kazuma. “You had best be telling the truth, Two Legs. I will demand an oath of fealty from you, and a promise that I shall dine on the finest of sea food every night. I do not mind you removing this annoying two legs from my mind, so long as I retain her powers. I am, after all, the rightful goddess. Cats were naturally created to rule over you pathetic two legs.”

“Yeah, yeah sure. And I won’t let Komekko eat you either,” Kazuma promised.

Chomusuke gave him a grateful nod. “Thank you. That is the one two legs that terrifies me.”

“Drink up,” Kazuma ordered, and Chomusuke lapped up the rest of the potion. With a little drain touch, Wolbach was back.

“Thank you,” she gasped. She stood up, shivering. “Damn Sylvia. I never liked her. Or him. It. Filthy creature, always trying to usurp power that wasn’t theirs.”

“Here,” Kazuma said, and took off his shirt, handing it to Wolbach. “You can, um, cover up. Not that I don’t appreciate the view.”

Wolbach gave him an amused look, but put the shirt on. “Unfortunately, while my knowledge is vast, I cannot cast spells like this. Tapping into my power would put that damn cat back in control of our form, and she does not share.”

“Crap. You…don’t happen to know any spells that could get us out of here, do you? I have a lot of skill points saved up,” Kazuma said, taking out his adventurer’s card.

Wolbach took it, and then shook her head. “Just a low level adventurer, and yet you’ve done so much…truly, you mortals are full of surprises. Well, I do know one spell that can help us, and you just barely have enough points. The only locations I can teach you are the Devil King’s castle, and well…the place of my imprisonment.”

“What? What spell is it?” Kazuma asked.

Wolbach tapped Kazuma’s card, and “TELEPORT: CRIMSON DEMON VILLAGE” appeared on his available skill list.

“Huh. Well, here goes nothing.” Kazuma grabbed Wolbach, and she snuggled up close to him. To his surprise, she blushed.

“I, ah, have never been with a man…it was somewhat forbidden…please be gentle,” she said, holding tight to Kazuma.

“We’re just going for a Teleport,” Kazuma pointed out. He did squeeze Wolbach’s rear end though, which made her gasp and blush all the redder. “Teleport: Crimson Demon Village!”

The world bent around them, and a moment later, they were standing atop the very hill where they’d fought Sylvia behind Megumin’s house.

“Huh,” Kazuma said. Then he nearly fell flat on his face as all his energy drained.

“Not enough mana,” Wolbach grunted, picking up Kazuma in her arms. “You’re heavier than you look, you know.”

“Not fair,” Kazuma mumbled. “Guys…supposed…to do…bridal carry…”

“If you can fix my little condition, I promise to let you bridal carry me whenever you want,” Wolbach laughed, then started down the path.

“Mmm,” Kazuma said, nestling up next to Wolbach’s chest. “Boobies.”

That made Wolbach blush again, and she glanced away. “Um, yes. You, ah, have a bit of a wandering eye, don’t you?”

“Not looked at another rack since I saw yours,” Kazuma mumbled, too tired and incoherent to be able to really lie. “Very nice. Always wanted big tiddy elf GF.”

“That’s, er, nice…” Wolbach carried Kazuma in silence, then blurted, “I, um, I’ve never lain with a mortal man, but I do pay my debts! Divinity is overrated anyway! I was never a popular goddess and that blue-haired menace’s followers beat me up and imprisoned me. I never even did anything! Well, much. But that was hundreds of years ago! Surely I’ve served my time, right?”

“Can’t be evil,” Kazuma mumbled. “Too hot.”

“Thanks, I guess?” Wolbach sighed. She suddenly shuddered, setting Kazuma down. “Oh…oh no…I’m growing…too…too weak…the cat, I…”

Kazuma blinked as Chomusuke appeared. The cat regarded him for a moment, then curled up on his chest and went to sleep, even as Kazuma passed out.

They were found that way the next day, and his three girls cried over him while explaining that they’d destroyed Sylvia and her army, while trying to find Kazuma.

“I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!” Aqua wailed, hugging Kazuma as she gave him a mug of hot water. Her tears had purified all the tea.

“I…I thought I’d lost you and Chomusuke,” Megumin admitted, looking down and hiding under the brim of her hat.

“I apologize, Kazuma. I should not have doubted you. I am glad you are not the sort of man who would have relations with a cat. That is not the sort of humiliation I am into,” Darkness told him.

“Gee thanks. Now, how can we free Wolbach?” Kazuma demanded, pointing to Chomusuke, who was licking her paw. The cat paused and looked up, glaring at him.

“Do we have to?” Megumin asked. “I like being able to say I have a Dark Goddess as my servant…”

“Wolbach was a dummy and my followers were right to lock her away!” Aqua declared.

Darkness hesitated. “Kazuma…is it wise?”

“Look, it’s not right to trap someone as a cat. She’s in there, screaming her head off right now. She’s been that way for years too. I think she’s more than paid for whatever misdeeds she’s done. Isn’t there some way to split them back into two beings?” Kazuma asked.

“I don’t know,” Megumin admitted. “I just know the binding magic.”

“Don’t look at me,” Aqua said with a shrug. “I could break that curse, but that would kill one of them and I hope it’s Wolbach!”

“I know how.”

Everyone turned to look at Komekko, who was stuffing her face with Kazuma’s breakfast.

“You do?” Kazuma asked, incredulous.

“How!?” Megumin demanded.

Komekko shrugged. “It was on the funny puzzle thing. I can’t do it myself, but Mr. Big Chicken could.”

“Who’s mister big chicken?” Darkness asked, sounding confused.

“My friend! I make him get me dinners sometimes, ‘cause sissy is gone and mommy and daddy are busy,” Komekko explained.

“Let’s see this Chicken of yours,” Kazuma said.

“Ok, but he needs an offering.” Komekko led them outside, taking an apple core from her breakfast, and drawing a summoning circle around it.

A moment later, a pit of fire opened up, and a massive demon clawed its way out of hell.

“WHO DARES SUMMON-”

“GOD BLOW!”

After Komekko stopped crying that “meanie Aqua hurt Mr. Big Chicken!” and Kazuma finished smacking Aqua upside the back of her head for ruining their ritual, they tried again with a banana peel.

This time, the demon furtively poked his head out of the fiery portal, and tried to hide back in it.

“Stop bein’ lazy and come out you big chicken!” Komekko ordered, and reached down to grab the demon by the horns. With a yank she pulled the creature out, despite him being about ten times her size.

“Ow, ow, ow! Come on, kid! Yer gonna ruin my cred with the guys! And sheesh, banana peels and apple cores? Come on, I’m a greater demon! At least give me a small animal or somethin’, maybe the blood of a virgin?”

“No hurting Kazuma, I like him!” Komekko ordered.

“Behave, demon, or there’s more where the first one came from!” Aqua snarled.

The demon cringed. “Er, keep the crazy goddess away from me, please boss? I ain’t so young as I used teh be and gettin’ unsummoned via divine magic hurts like heck.”

That got Kazuma to raise an eyebrow. “You’re a demon. Can’t you swear?”

“Hey, my momma raised me right. No swearin’ in front a kids, ya hear?” the demon huffed.

“Now Mr. Big Chicken, I needs ya to do the uncombubulatin’ magic and turn Chomusuke into a snack sized cat and, what did Kazuma call it? A big-”

“Um, back into Wolbach and the cat used to bind her,” Kazuma interrupted.

“But we demand that the cat have all the cool powers!” Megumin stated.

The demon scratched his head, then glanced at Komekko. “Uh, you sure about that, boss? ‘For you had mah contract, Wolbach did. She’s gonna be right upset iffin I take her powers and give ‘em to a cat. Plus, you don’t want a cat with no powers. Real evil, cats. Trust me, I’m Hoost the Demon and even I think cats are pretty darn evil.”

“Big sis says so and Kazuma wants his elf GF,” Komekko said. “Do it, Mr. Big Chicken! Or next time, all you get is an old bento wrapper!”

“Sheesh. And to think I used teh be a bigshot round these parts,” Hoost muttered. “Right, one unbinding ritual, cat side up, here we go.”

After a bit of chatting, a magical pentagram appeared around Chomusuke, and there was a flash. When the dust settled, Wolbach was sitting on the ground, looking dazed, and Chomusuke was purring and looking very smug. She was a little smaller, but still bigger than when she’d started and with horns and wings still.

“Are…are you OK?” Kazuma asked, going over to crouch by Wolbach. He handed her one of Darkness’s blouses and skirts, as she was the only one anywhere near the Dark Goddess’s size.

“Thank you!” Wolbach cried, grabbing Kazuma and hugging him. “Thank you, thank you!”

“Um, you’re welcome,” Kazuma said, returning the embrace.

“Just, um, keep that thing away from me,” Wolbach whispered, cowering as she hastily put on the clothes.

“Who, Hoost? He seems harmless, Komekko has him under control.”

“No, her!” Wolbach said, pointing to Komekko. She shuddered. “Such power…such darkness.”

“Can I eat her now?” Komekko asked plaintively. “I’m hungry.”

“If anyone’s eating Wolbach, I have a feeling it’s Kazuma,” Aqua said in disgust. “She would go native.”

Both Kazuma and Wolbach looked at one another for a moment, then looked away, blushing. Even as Megumin slapped Aqua and ranted about her corrupting Megumin’s innocent little sister.