This Goddess Must Be Crazy: Chapter 55 (Patreon)

They made their way down the now sparkling clean sewer pipes, pausing only long enough for Tanya to do something she claimed was very important, but turned out to be her inspecting the maintenance logs. 

“As I suspected, they haven’t been properly servicing the sewage system!” Tanya said triumphantly after flipping through a clipboard on the wall.

“OK, and that helps us how?” Izuku said with a sigh. “We really don’t have time for this.” 

“It means that they’re at risk for the spread of disease, which could lower their combat effectiveness,” Tanya stated, hanging the clipboard carefully back in its place. “Never underestimate the importance of good sanitation for unit effectiveness.”

“That would probably be more important if they weren't, you know, zombies,” Kazuma pointed out.

“She does have a point, you know,” Iris said uncertainly. “Even the undead need proper waste management. Could we exploit this somehow?”

“Unless Ainz is prone to getting the runs, no,” Kazuma said flatly. “Now come on. We’re at the final boss. Be serious! This would be a really lame time to die.”

“Then you should stay with Aqua, Kazuma, as you tend to die the most,” Mei told him, causing Kazuma to look highly offended.

“You should all stick close to me,” Aqua said, her eyes glowing blue as she peered towards the exit they were descending to. “I can smell a powerful undead. It’s really stinky now, even worse than all the poop and stuff. I can smell demons too.”

“So can I. I think Ainz has all his remaining minions gathered around him in the throne room. Get ready, everyone,” Chris said grimly. 

“Wait, I have an idea,” Kazuma said, looking at the clipboard Tanya had returned. “This actually is a well-laid out sewer system.”

Tanya preened, but everyone else ignored her, save for Visha who ruffled her lover’s hair and smiled ruefully. 

“So what’s the plan then?” Uraraka asked, coming over to peer over Kazuma’s shoulder. 

“Well, they’re probably expecting us to come through here. But I have another idea,” Kazuma said with a grin. “Who’s ever flooded a bathroom before?”

Mei instantly raised her hand, a serious expression on her face. “You should always flush after using 20 squares of toilet paper. And do not try to put your sister’s pet lizard down the toilet to see if it will grow into an alligator.”

“I…suppose that would be a valuable lesson,” Izuku agreed, fighting back a laugh. He’d have to ask Hari about that story later. “But you think we should go in through the bathroom? Will the pipes be big enough?”

“Not normally. But they would be with some explosives,” Kazuma said.

“I don’t know, Kazuma. I think I should save my mana for the final boss,” Megumin said dubiously. 

“Not you!” Kazuma said, pointing at Bakugo. “Captain Angry Eyes!”

“Goddammit, Deku, when did you tell him about the toilets I blew up!” Bakugo snapped. 

“I-I didn’t say anything!” Izuku protested, raising his hands in the air.

“Wait, toilets, plural? What did you even do, Bakugo?” Uraraka demanded. 

“This is not the time for this, though I will insist on hearing full details later,” Iris said. “Can you do it, Itsuki?”

“Yeah, I mean, probably. Will it let us get the drop on these assholes?” Bakugo demanded. 

“Better than waltzing in through the front door,” Kazuma said.

“Fine. I’ll blow up another toilet. But no one tell my mom,” Bakugo muttered. 

“I can use my babies to help! Don’t worry Bakugo, I won’t tell on you that we blew up a toilet together,” Mei promised him, which made Bakugo growl in irritation.

It didn’t take them long to find where the bathroom was, or for Mei to come up with some charges that would get them through the wall and ceiling and into the bathroom. 

“You think this is like, the Lord of the Tomb’s private bathroom?” Sero asked nervously as they ducked around a corner. 

“He’s a giant skeleton. I don’t think he needs a bathroom,” Uraraka pointed out. 

“I know, but I mean, what if he like, wants to wash his hands or something? Ugh, never mind, just blow it up,” Sero muttered, blushing as the others stared at him.

“Fire in the hole!” Mei said gleefully, and pressed the plunger on her makeshift detonator. The blast sent a cascade of dust and a deafening roar down the passage, but no sooner had the shockwave faded than Bakugo shouted his own defiance and charged back down. 

“TIME TO TEAR THIS TOILET A NEW ASSHOLE!” 

With a few well-timed blasts, Bakugo cleared enough space for them to climb up into the bathroom, which was rapidly flooding as the damaged sink and toilet leaked. The entire place had once been some sort of communal restroom, with stalls and mirrors that were now in utter disarray. There were even hand dryers that were whining noisily, and a sign that said “Employees must wash hands, claws, and/or tentacles before returning to work.” 

Unless Izuku very much missed his guess, Tanya was probably responsible for that. 

Izuku was first through the door, kicking it so hard it went flying across the wide chamber beyond and clattering off the far wall. He had just enough time to a long wide hall with dozens of banners hanging from the dark corners of the ceiling before he was piled onto by the others behind him and forced to stumble out into the hallway. 

“What is the meaning of this?! Guards, dispose of these interlopers!” 

Izuku turned to see a massive throne, with a skeletal figure with a large bony mantle and black robe sitting upon it, extending a finger towards him. Then a dozen skeletons in gleaming golden armor attacked him,  each wielding a jeweled weapon that glowed with power. Their movements were smooth and coordinated, the group coming at him as a single unit, surrounding Izuku on all sides. 

“ONE HUNDRED PERCENT SMASH!” 

Skeletons that moved at superhuman speeds were still painfully slow compared to sparing with Iris or All Might, and Izuku’s single punch smashed two of the golden-clad undead to bits, while three more went sprawling. 

“SACRED EXPLODE!”

“LIGHT OF SABER!” 

“HOWITZER IMPACT!” 

“BARRICADE TAPE!” 

The various spells and attacks from the rest of the group vaporized the nearest skeletons, but more were pouring out from the many alcoves around them. 

“Surround them! Hack them down! For Lord Ainz!” a giant blue insectile creature was raising a great halberd and pointing it at them, while a crowd of massive lizard men carrying axes and spears rushed in. 

“Clever, Cocytus brought someone immune to Aqua’s spells,” Kazuma commented. “Still, it won’t matter. Aqua, do your thing!” 

“But Kazuma-!” Aqua protested, even as more armored skeletons closed in from the right and the lizardmen came in from the left. 

“But nothing, make the undead go bye-bye!” Kazuma ordered, trying to guard Aqua from a massive golden skeleton. 

Chris intercepted it, deflecting a blow with her daggers, then slicing off one leg. “Hurry, Aqua!” 

“Oh, fine, they all stink anyway! SACRED TURN UNDEAD!” Aqua chanted, and a glowing blue circle the center of the hall. 

“NO! HOW CAN THIS BE! AHHHHH!” the lich on the throne screamed, even as the golden minions all turned to ash. The Lizard Men, however, were unaffected, and continued their charge forward, right into Iris and Bakugo, who appeared to be testing out “will it blend,” but with swords and explosions. So far, the answer was yes. 

Back on the throne, the overlord sagged on the throne, looking slightly blackened. “You…you cannot defeat me! I am Ainz Ooal Gown! Master of Nazerick! I will-”

“ONE FOR ALL, 1000% SMASH!” Izuku cried and jumped forward. He let everything out in a single punch, cracking the massive throne in half and obliterating the wall behind. He guarded against the dust he kicked up, but when he could see, there was nothing left but shattered bones and tattered robes. He gingerly picked up the skull that had fallen off the body, only for it to crumble to dust in his hands. 

“Huh?” Izuku blinked, then turned back to watch the battle. 

“No! Lord Ainz! Fall back, you fools! Fall-” the blue insect was crying, as the remaining lizard men were breaking before the assault of the rest of the group. A glowing spear of plasma took the insect thing in the head from Yunyun, followed by a barrage from Mei’s guns. He snarled and swung his spear, carving a great gash in the pillars and floor from the blow. “ACALA’S SWORD!” 

The blow, however, came to a stop when Iris caught it on her blade, and the blonde queen grinned. “At last. A worthy opponent.”

“You will die where you stand, interloper! FROST BREATH!” A storm of icy wind bellowed out from the creature’s maw, but Bakugo countered with a fiery explosion of his own. 

“A lot of assholes have tried, you’re just the latest! Time to clean up and finish this thing!” Bakugo snarled. 

The others piled in as well, and the blue creature was soon dealing with attacks from behind from Chris, spells from Yunyun, and giant objects dropped by Uraraka on him. Even as that happened, Izuku poked at the throne, frowning to himself.

“Izuku! What is wrong? Did the Lord of the Tomb escape?” Mei asked, hurrying up beside him. 

“No, I…I think I killed him. It’s just…compared to that vampire…it was so easy,” Izuku said, shaking his head in disbelief. Should he go and help? The others seemed to have it covered.

“We did have Aqua, and she is very good at killing undead,” Mei pointed out, but she was frowning as well. “Still, this seems too easy. He was just sitting there.”

“Yeah, it’s been all clever tactics and traps up until now. Something’s off,” Izuku agreed.

“You are correct, Midoriya. That was not Ainz.” 

They turned to see Tanya and Visha tramp up the steps, a frown on Tanya’s face. She knelt, examining the robes, then stood and nodded. “Yes, that was a decoy dressed in Ainz’s clothes. Probably Aurelius, or possibly Ulpius. It matters not. They were clearly a distraction.”

“I TOLD you, Kazuma! That wasn’t Ainz! Ainz smells different,” Aqua complained, dragging Kazuma over even as the blue insect bellowed a cry of pain and dropped his halberd, only to draw out two massive swords and renew his assault in a flurry of blows that Iris and Bakugo managed to parry, even as the others continued to pour in attacks. 

“What!? You didn’t say anything!” Kazuma protested, but he grimaced. “Yeah, that did feel too easy. A OHKO on the final boss? Yeah, no way. Ok, so, where is he then?”

“It is unfortunate you damaged the throne, or we could use it to search for him,” Tanya commented. “It allows you to see any resident of Nazerick’s location in the Tomb, as well as their status.”

“Huh. Hey, Aqua, think we can fix it?” Kazuma said, pulling out a set of small tools. 

“I mean, probably, it’s just a stupid chair,” Aqua said. “Come on, Mei, you’re good at fixing things, help us out”! 

With that sorted out, Izuku turned back just in time to see Iris leap up, planting her sword in the blue monster’s forehead. It stood transfixed for a moment as Iris drove her blade in deeply, a snarl of triumph on her face. Then she twisted her sword and jerked it out, and the creature dropped its weapons, then toppled to the ground with a mighty crash. 

“Nice one, queenie!” Bakugo said, hurrying over to pull Iris to her feet, then embraced her. The others cheered, pumping their fists and celebrating. 

“We did it, we defeated the Lord of the Tomb!” Sero cried, high-fiving Tokoyami then turning to hug Yunyun.

“Um, actually…that wasn’t Ainz,” Izuku called, and the cheering died down instantly. 

“The fuck are you talking about, Deku? You and Aqua iced that fucker on the throne, I saw it!” Bakugo shouted. 

“It was a decoy. The real Ainz wouldn’t have gone down so easily,” Izuku said, shaking his head. “They clearly knew we were coming for the Throne Room. This could be a trap. Stay on your guard.”

“We killed their lame ass trap,” Bakugo grumbled, but he went with the others to check the exits. 

After several minutes, the group working on the throne had repaired it, and Kazuma took a seat. “Eheheh. Guess now I’m the evil overlord.”

“If you are, then I guess we have to kill you now. It’s OK, Aqua can bring you back,” Mei told him. 

“Just kidding,” Kazuma said hastily, smiling uneasily at the laser cannon Mei had pointed in his general direction.

“I was also joking! Ha ha, it is funny!” Mei laughed, and Kazuma chuckled weakly. 

“Uh, yeah. Anyway, I can see everyone’s status. And wouldn’t you know it, there are four people named Ainz Ooal Gown showing up. One here on the tenth floor in the library, another on the ninth floor in the harem quarters, another on the 6th floor in the amphitheater, and the last all the way up on the first floor, don’t know how we missed them. And they’ve all got hordes of minions around them, including some really powerful ones.”

Tanya’s brow furrowed. “Then we shall have to face each one in turn in hopes of finding the true Ainz Ooal Gown. But how did he manage this?”

“Looks like there’s a button to edit NPC names, he must have used that to disguise his minions like himself,” Kazuma said. “But I don’t think any of them are the real deal.”

“What makes you say that?” Izuku asked, pacing over to stand beside Kazuma, though he couldn’t see the map himself. 

Shaking his head, Kazuma grinned. “It’s a shell game. And what’s the first rule of a shell game?” 

“None of the shells have the ball under it,” Visha said, nodding. “It’s a grift. So, none of the decoys are the real Ainz. He will have edited his name as well.”

“But what would he change his name to?” Kazuma muttered, his eyes flicking over the map only he could see.

Aqua bit her lip, then asked, “Can you look for Momonga?” 

Kazuma muttered to himself, then shook his head. “No dice. No one by that name.”

“Then…then look for Suzuki Satoru,” Aqua said, looking sick as she said it. 

It took only a few seconds that time, but Kazuma nodded. “Huh. Yeah, I can find that, actually. But it revealed a new area. Somewhere called the Treasury. It says access is forbidden.”

“Ah, that makes sense,” Tanya agreed. She reached into her jacket, then withdrew a large signet ring. “Try with this.”

Kazuma slipped the ring on, then brightened. “Yeah! That did work! Oh, shit. It says I can only take a party of five with me. Uh, that’s a problem.”

“That does make things harder,” Izuku agreed. He frowned, considering. “Can we get more of these rings?” 

“Unlikely. Ainz guarded them carefully. I was awarded one for my services as his Godslayer. Check the corpse of Cocytus, the creature that was just slain, for he had one as well.”

They searched the corpse of the insectile guardian but found no ring.

“Makes sense, he wanted to be in his panic room with no one able to access it,” Kazuma said with a nod. “There’s not even anyone else in there. Demiurge is with the imposter in the library, and Albedo, the other super-strong one, is in the harem wing. I wonder if they even realize their boss has ditched them?” 

“Likely they know, but are too loyal to him to protest,” Tanya said with a shake of her head. “Right. Sato, myself, Aqua, Midoriya, and one other.”

“Me,” Bakugo said, stepping forward. “I’m coming for this one.”

“Hey, why you?” Dark Shadow squawked. “I’m tough too! I could kick this bad guy’s ass!”

“Dark Shadow, peace. I do not like it, but if there is room only for five, that seems wise,” Tokoyami said with a shake of his head. 

“I would protest, but I must slay the Demiurge,” Iris said. “Go in my stead, Katsuki. Finish this.”

“If it’s just Ainz, that’s still a brutal battle. Sure you won’t need a rock steady protector?” Kirishima asked. 

“Nah, we bring our hardest hitters and kick his ass. Then we blow this place and go home,” Bakugo snarled, slamming his fists together in a puff of smoke.

“If our strongest might is needed, I should go!” Megumin declared.

“The treasury is tiny. No Explosions there,” Kazuma said. He stepped forward, wrapping Megumin in a tight hug. “Sorry, Explosion Loli. You gotta sit this one out.”

“D-do, do not call me…” Megumin hiccuped, then closed her eyes and squeezed Kazuma tightly. “Come back, you understand? After unleashing your righteous vengeance!” 

Izuku took a moment to hug Mei tightly. “I’ll come back, OK?”

“You have to,” Mei told him, squeezing him so hard he thought his bones would break. “We still have so many adorable babies to make together.”

“Get rid of him. For me, for the chief, for everyone,” Chris told Aqua, hugging her as well. “Kick his butt, senpai!”

“I will, Eris. I promise. Then we can go home,” Aqua promised, hugging Eris back and sniffling. 

Tanya saluted Visha, who returned it, then pulled her into a kiss. “Make up for what we did wrong, Major.”

“Nothing can change the past. But I will restore our honor,” Tanya promised. 

Farewells said, the five of them joined hands, with Tanya slipping on the ring. “The air there is poisoned. The traps will activate the moment we get there. Aqua, I take it you can solve that problem?”

“Psh, poison in the air? I’m immune to poison, and I can purify a whole building with just a word! Don’t worry about it,” Aqua bragged. 

“Now you tell me,” Kazuma muttered. “Shouldn’t we put on gas masks or something?”

“It will eat the flesh from your bones, that will not help,” Tanya told him. “Either Aqua saves us, or we are all dead. Are you ready?”

Sucking in a deep breath, Izuku nodded. Time to finish this, once and for all. 

As soon as they finished teleporting, Aqua felt her skin itch. She wasn’t too worried about herself, poison would just give her a rash no matter how potent it was, but the thought of Izuku or Kazuma dying was too painful to contemplate. “PURIFICATION! PURIFICATION! SACRED PURIFICATION!” 

The itching stopped, and Aqua looked around hopefully. The air was clear now, with even the poison in the traps having been totally cleansed. Now, a light mist of minty-smelling water was coming out instead, which was nice. 

The room itself was bare stone walls with glowing blue bands, filled only with a pair of couches and a coffee table, though the doors to the main treasury were behind that. The sole occupant of the room was a skeletal lich in plain brown robes, who stood up in shock at seeing them teleport in. 

“How-!? I mean, did Lord Ainz send you here, strangers?” the skeleton demanded. 

“Give it up, Ainz,” Tanya said, stepping forward with her gun in hand. “Your deception was clever, I admit, but you cannot fool a fool. And I brought plenty of those with me.”

“I resemble that remark,” Kazuma drawled in an Osaka accent, then shook his head. “Alright, you boney bastard! It’s payback time!” 

“Yeah, we’re going to-” Bakugo began, but the Overlord raised a hand.

“Time Stop.”

Aqua felt the world around her freeze, and sighed, pushing past her friends to stop forward. “I knew you’d try that, Momonga. Or are you back to calling yourself Suzuki Satoru?”

“A-Aqua,” Ainz gasped, nearly tripping over the couch. “How can you- but this is 10th Tier Magic! To resist it so easily!”

“I’m a goddess. Time doesn’t flow the same for us.” Aqua felt tears in her eyes and continued to walk forward, even as Ainz scrambled over the back of the couch and backed up towards the wall. “How could you do all this, Momonga! We were friends! I thought…I thought you were like Wiz! Undead, but you know, one of the good ones! But you killed so many people, hurt so many of my friends! Why!?”

“Stay away from me! Or I will slay the ones with you!” the skeleton threatened, pointing a finger at the group.

Aqua rolled her eyes, then stamped her foot in frustration. “Sacred Dispel!” 

Time resumed, and Ainz snarled in frustration. 

“-kick your boney- wait, how’d you move so fast?!” Bakugo demanded. 

“I…Please. I do not wish to die,” Ainz said, feeling for the door to the treasury behind him. “Do not…do not kill me.”

“Because we were friends, I won’t,” Aqua promised. “Sorry, Kazuma, Izuku. I can’t let you kill him.”

“Aqua, NO!” Kazuma cried, and Izuku moved forward in a burst of speed, even as Ainz pointed a finger and shouted, “Grasp Heart!”

“Sacred Resurrection,” Aqua said, as the death magic slid off her harmlessly. 

Ainz howled in pain, and Kazuma ran up to her even as Bakugo blasted forward. 

“What the hell was that!?” Bakugo snarled. “You almost-”

“Please, don’t hurt him,” Aqua begged, brushing past Izuku to kneel on the floor beside the panting target of her magic. “He…he was a good friend, once.”

“Well. Now that is ironic,” Tanya said, stepping forward and lowering her gun. “And somehow, appropriate, I think.”

The figure on the floor wasn’t a skeleton anymore. Instead, it was plain looking Japanese man in his mid-30s, with pale skin and sunken, empty eyes. 

“What…what have you done to me?” he gasped, reaching up to touch his face. “Aqua, what did you DO!?”

“Being undead makes you do horrible things,” Aqua told him gently. “So I resurrected you. Now you can be a good guy again.”

“You made me an ordinary human again?!” The man stood on shaking legs, his face going purple with rage. “Like this, I’m nothing but a corporate drone! Change me back! I had everything I wanted until you came to take it away! Change me back! If my servants see me like this, they’ll kill me!” 

“Now there’s an idea,” Kazuma said with a wicked grin. “Throw him to Demiurge. See how that son of a bitch likes it. Maybe he’ll skin you too and use your meat to feed the pigs.”

“No! Anything but that! Please, no!” the man begged, falling to his knees. “I…I can’t…Tanya, please, help me! You were my friend, you-”

“Why did the gods have to die, Momonga, was it? It doesn’t matter. You lied to me. Used me. But I will grant you mercy.” Tanya’s gun whipped up, pointing at the man’s forehead. “It’s better than you deserve.”

Izuku barely slapped Tanya’s arm up before she fired, the bullet slapping into the wall as the man wailed in terror and wet himself. “Tanya! You can’t just execute him in cold blood!” 

“Try me, Midoriya. I’ve done worse,” Tanya told the boy, jerking her arm away. She frowned at the pitiful wretch weeping before her. “Save your pity for someone who deserves it. Not a monster like him or me.”

“This is all a mistake! I never asked for this!” the man begged. “Please, you-”

“I am not listening to this.” Tanya stepped forward, opening the door to the treasury. “There are things here that could aid in defeating the remaining forces. I will retrieve them. Do what you wish with that wretch, but if it were up to me, I would kill him and burn the body.”

Aqua looked at the pitiful thing that had been the Lord of the Tomb and felt only pity. “We can’t just kill him, what do we do?”

“Turn around for 10 seconds and I’ll solve that problem for you,” Bakugo growled.

“Itsuki…” Izuku said in a warning tone.

“Fuck off, I know. But it would be justice. Fucker’s killed how many millions? Maybe billions. Shit.”

“Everyone deserves a second chance,” Aqua said softly, reaching out to touch  Momonga’s cheek. “You’re human again. You can have a chance to-”

He slapped her hand away, anger the only thing in his eyes. “Curse you! I had the perfect fantasy life, the game I always wanted come to life, minions that adored me, and worlds to conquer and do what I wished with! You were the only thing that could have stopped me! Why couldn’t you just leave me alone!”

“You invaded our home, pal. And for the record, I am one-hundred percent on board with Team Frag His Ass,” Kazuma said, baring Chunchumaru meaningfully. 

“Actually, it would be a big help to both of us if you didn’t,” a chipper woman’s voice said, and Aqua’s heart sank as she spun about.

“Yes. We’re going to need him,” the nasal voice of King Kai said as he stepped forward with Haruhi. “The easy part is over. Now, it’s time for the gods to handle things.”

“Oh no,” Aqua groaned. How had she screwed up this time?