This Goddess Must Be Crazy Chapter 53 (Patreon)

Once more, Shaltear moved faster than Izuku could have perceived without One for All, coming at him with her lance and a crazed grin on her lips. He dodged to the side, kicking hard enough to shatter the wall behind them as he did so. Even that wasn’t enough to stop the vampiress, and she managed to grab Izuku’s shattered arm. He screamed, spinning away as a large amount of blood flowed out of him, then formed into another Einherjar clone. 

“Bleed for me!” Shaltear snarled, coming for Izuku again. He was forced to fall back without attacking, feeling lightheaded from the pain and blood loss. He stumbled, and the Einherjar followed up Shaltears attack with one that would have skewered Izuku. 

Thankfully, he was not alone. 

“OUT OF MY WAY, NERD!” With a blast that sent Izuku reeling back, Bakugo slammed into the clone axe first, practically frothing at the mouth as he clashed with it. Iris was by his side, her sword parrying Shaltear’s lance, then unleashing an explosion of her own to drive Shaltear back. 

“Izuku! Your arm!” Mei helped Izuku back to his feet, taking out some sort of spray and using it on Izuku’a arm. The pain was numbed almost immediately, but when he tried to move his arm he felt only a dull ache, and couldn’t get it to do more than twitch. 

“Damn, I really gave that my all,” Izuku grunted, letting his arm hang uselessly. He gave Mei a sheepish grim. “I haven’t punched so hard I broke my arm in a long time, huh?”

“You shouldn’t be doing that, Izuku! I don’t like to see you hurt!” Mei lectured, tears in her eyes. 

“Well, the good news is, I still have another arm!” Izuku said grimly and prepared himself to launch back into the fight. 

“Wait, Izuku, Visha said that she can do it three times! You can’t just break your arm and both your legs, what about the Lord of the Tomb and the other monsters?” Mei demanded.

Izuku hesitated, as he’d been about to say she had four lives and he had four limbs, but Mei had a good point. If another deadly denizen of the tomb ambushed them before they could find Aqua and get healing, he’d be dead weight.  

“...maybe breaking my arm isn’t the best solution, but I don’t know what else to do! Nothing else we’ve tried works,” Izuku told Mei in frustration. 

“That is because you haven’t tried anything but punching her very hard. I have a better idea, so listen!” Mei said, and hastily explained her rough plan. It still sounded like a desperate shot in the dark to Izuku, but it was better than breaking another limb he supposed. 

Even working in tandem with Bakugo, Iris could barely keep up with Shaltear and her Einherjar clone. Her foes seemed to shrug off even he strongest techniques, and even the few glancing blows she’d taken from the vampire left her bruised and bleeding. 

And that blood was a problem. 

Iris could feel her vitality being sapped as Shaltear drew the blood she’d shed into herself, weakening Iris and her allies while the monster was strengthened. Midoriya had managed to get in a blow powerful enough to finally put down the vampiress, but she’d just gotten back up like it was nothing. They had to find a way to end this, and quickly. 

“I’m getting real sick of this shit, and there’s no way I’m letting the nerd show me up!” Bakugo snarled, firing off another explosion and trying to carve Shaltear’s head from her shoulders, only to have to check his swing as the clone darted in and nearly took his own head off with her lance. 

Iris considered that, then nodded. “Do you trust me?”

“YOU EVEN GOTTA ASK!?” Bakugo demanded, even as Iris parried another blow from Shaltear.

“Then give it everything you’ve got, hold nothing back!” Iris told him. She was the sword of the Realm, and he was the shield.

But most shields didn’t explode at the drop of a pin. 

“THEN DIE!” Bakugo screamed, and heedless of either of their opponents launched an all out assault at Shaltear, ignoring the clone or Shaltear’s own attacks. He met Shaltear’s lance with a Howitzer impact, swung his axe in her face, then slammed his hands together again for a devastating shockwave. The Einherjar tried to swoop in to force Bakugo to back off, but Iris held the construct off, using a Sacred Explode to force it back, before turning away just in time to save Bakugo from Shaltear’s counterblow. 

Ignoring his own safety, Bakugo threw himself again and again at Shaltear, who tried to thrust and parry with her lance and various spells, sending out blasts of fire and ice, even spikes of their own blood at them. Bakugo switched to just his axe, swinging with all his might, and knocking aside the vampire’s attacks as he aimed for her head each and every time. 

In the end, they backed Shaltear up into a corner, only for her to use another dimensional gate, and step behind them. 

“SURPRISE, BITCH!” Bakugo cackled, not even turning around as he slapped his palm down on the ground. The sweat that Bakugo had been spraying everywhere in his exertions all exploded at once, knocking both him and Iris forwards as the massive blast incinerated both Shaltear and her clone. 

Iris managed to keep her feet, groaning in pain as she turned around and took aim with her sword. Shaltear was burned and staggering, but she was dead yet. 

“SACRED SWORD TECHNIQUE!” 

In a flurry of strikes, Iris both cut Shaltear’s head from her body, and skewered her through the heart. The vampire fell to the ground, dead, even as Iris stood there, clutching at the wound’s she’d sustained in the all out attack, and gritting her teeth. Bakugo righted himself, but he was clearly winded, even if he was mostly unharmed. 

“Ah hell. We gotta do that again? Twice!??” he groaned. 

“Iris, Bakugo, get back!” Izuku shouted, and reluctantly Iris scrambled away, dragging an only slightly reluctant Bakugo with her as they fell back to Izuku. He was standing behind some sort of device with Mei and the now unconscious and pale Visha, and the two of them made it just as Mei finished working on whatever the object was. It looked like a series of sprinkler heads, though why Iris had no idea. 

“YOU FILTH!” Shaltear raged, even as her body was suddenly restored. Not completely this time, her armor was slightly damaged and she looked like she’d been hit with a few of Bakugo’s blasts, but she was in far better shape than everyone else. “I WILL-”

“Now, Izuku!” Mei ordered, and flung a handful of glittering objects into the air. Izuku let out an airblast that sent them all racing down the hallway, and fist sized spheres where flung back towards Shaltear by the blast, where they all shattered and sent out sprays of water.

The vampire screamed, the liquid inside the objects burning her like it was acid. Iris surmised that it was Holy Water, probably from Aqua. Mei wasn’t done though, bracing herself as her power armor opened up to reveal dozens of missile tubes, and her arms folded together to form a giant canon.

“HATSUME HAMMER TIME!” Mei shouted, and her beam cannon fired as she launched all her missiles, pounding the far end of the hallway with explosions and a blinding beam of white light. Shaltear screamed, but when the dust settled, she was only one one knee, not dead at all. 

In contrast, Mei’s armor had gone dead, and Izuku had to peel her out of it, yanking the emergency release and extracting her as the armor smoked and clattered uselessly to the ground, drained of all power.

“You think this enough to stop me?!” Shaltear demanded. “You fools have taken only half my charges, and you are all out of tricks!”

“I have one more,” Mei said.

“And what is that?” Shaltear said with a snort, slowly standing. Even as she spoke, the blood that had been shed was slowly oozing across the battlefield back towards her. Iris could see the vampire absorbing it, healing her wounds and recovering what damage had been done.

"2Cs plus 2H2O to 2CsOH plus H2!"

“What?” Shaltear said, even as the emitters activated, and a glowing barrier appeared around the party. 

“It’s a rapid oxidation reaction,” Mei said smugly, as glowing sparks appeared in the air. When Shaltear just gave her blank look, Mei clarified, “Explosion.”

Iris clung to Bakugo as the ground bucked, heaved, and then shattered completely around them. Even with her eyes closed and inside of the barrier, she felt her eardrums pop from the sound and overpressure as the area around them was completely ripped apart. Then they were falling through smoke and darkness, the Tomb around them reduced to so much dust by Mei’s Explosion spell. 

They fell for long seconds, the barrier flickering out, and Iris braced herself. A cold blue light appeared, and they fell through great cracks in what seemed to be the sky towards a snowy plain below them. They impacted into snow and ice, the shock of the fall and the cold driving the breath from Iris’ lungs. She staggered back to her feet, forcing her sword up as she looked around. 

“Did…did that do it?” Izuku panted, cradling the now insensate Mei in his one good arm, looking around them. 

“No, dumbass! She had four lives! That was three!” Bakugo snapped, but he was leaning on his axe and looking like he couldn’t have fought a kitten, much less a True Vampire. 

“YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT ME DOWN WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE!”

Out of the ice, Shaltear exploded, pure murder on her face as she charged towards them.

“Any more ideas?!” Bakugo demanded of Izuku.

“No! The holy water and missiles were supposed to kill her, and so was the Explosion,” Izuku gasped. “Run, we have to-”

“Don’t hurt my babies!” Mei babbled, jerking awake as Izuku dodged out of the way of Shaltear. The Vampire spun, snarling, raising her lance and. 

“Shaltear, darling, what have I told you about HARMING CHILDREN IN MY PRESENCE!” 

A giant pair of scissors appeared about Shaltear’s neck, and the vampire had time only to turn as a thing of pure nightmare with no face snipped the vampire’s head from her shoulders. Izuku’s heart pounded as he landed, and they all turned to face the horrific monstrosity before them. 

It had long dark hair, and where it’s face should have been were only bulging eyes and bloody muscles with too white teeth. Aside from that, it looked like the woman from a horror movie who would crawl out of the TV to kill you, and Izuku gritted his teeth. If she were even stronger than Shaltear…

“Hello!” the creature said, suddenly raising her scissors and waving merrily. “You must be the rest of the adorable children who’ve come to visit me! I’m Nigredo. When I felt the Explosion, I was certain you must be the one’s that Kazuma spoke of.”

“Fuck off!” Bakugo snarled, only for Iris to smack him upside the back of his head. 

“He means, thank you for the assistance, but what is it you want?” Iris asked.

Nigredo bowed. “To aid you. I am afraid I cannot leave this Floor, I have been bound to it by Lord Ainz. But I will not stand by and allow this slaughter of innocents to continue. You are the first heroes to ever reach this far into Nazarick. Come, I will show you where your allies are.”

Iris glanced over at Bakugo, who was glaring suspiciously at Nigredo. He spat to the side, but the spittle turned to ice as soon as it hit the ground. “It’s a damn trap, but hell if I know how to get out of it, queenie.”

“I am afraid I cannot think of a way as well,” Iris agreed. She turned to Izuku, but he was shivering and clutching Mei to his chest. “And I fear we cannot stand these elements for long. Very well, Miss Nigredo. Who, exactly, do you think our allies are?”

“Kazuma Sato and his companions. Come, come, they are right this way.” And with that, the horror turned and led them across the ice fields, leaving the already frozen corpse of Shaltear Bloodfallen where it lay. 

“Yeah, but like, what do we do?!” Kazuma hissed as he furiously knit yet another sweater. They’d built a fire in the rubble of the frozen prison, which had not been hard as it had already been mostly on fire after the Explosion. What had been hard was finding enough material for Kazuma’s craft skill to make extra thick sweaters for everyone. He was turning tattered rags and bits of cloth into them as fast as he could.

Unfortunately, every single sweater he made would have been a shoo-in to win the “ugly sweater” competition at your local Christmas party. Eris was sporting a truly hideous silver and brown ensemble with “Jingle Belle” written on it in large tacky letters, along with what looked like an 8bit version of herself in a sexy santa outfit. Uraraka was still glaring at Kazuma because her’s had “I Do It For The Ho’s” with a half naked very not sexy santa on it. 

Megumin had forced Yunyun to take the sweater that said “Good Things Come in Small Packages”, which was a little tight on her, while Megumin had taken the one with the picture of a reindeer, with antlers coming out of its chest and the words “NICE RACK.” The effect was somewhat lost with her build.

“Did every single one of them have to be a boob joke, dude?” Sero whispered to Kazuma.

Kazuma glared at him, then held up the sweater he was currently knitting. It had a picture of an elf barfing up tensile and ribbons on it. “No, but this one’s yours. Besides, Uraraka’s wasn’t a boob joke.”

“I think I’d have prefered that to having Saint Nick’s moobs on mine,” she informed him quite loudly, making Kazuma flinch.

“Well you could all just be cold then! Serves you right! Complaining about these sweaters I worked my ass off to make for you so you don’t freeze to death! I even put a +5 anti-cold enhancement on them!” 

“More like a +10 pervert bonus,” Eris muttered in a stage whisper. 

“I would prefer not to freeze to death. Though you could have at least just made me the perverted one, Kazuma,” Megumin told him. 

“What about I don’t get to pick the pattern do you not understand?! I’m making these with my skill, it’s random!” Kazuma snapped, then paused. He glanced down at the sweater he had just made. It had an upside-down snowman with his nose in a very suggestive place, and the caption “Good Things.”

He wondered if he should try to make Megumin and Yunyun swap back, or just accept his fate and have Aqua res him later. 

Before he could succumb to the cruelties of fate, they heard a loud banging sound from one of the many piles of rubble nearby. Megumin jumped to her feet, the bells on her antlers jingling merrily, while the others hastily got to their feet in a slightly more dignified fashion. Chris was the first one to the pile, frowning at it as the pile shook and the loud noise continued.

“Something’s trying to get out, but… huh, that’s odd. I’m sensing a hollow space under here,” she said, putting her ear to the blackened stone of the ground. 

“Do you think it’s reinforcements for the guards or something?” Sero asked. “We did blow up the prison.” 

“Hold on, I recognize that pattern,” Uraraka said, her brow furrowing. “That’s not random. That’s morse code.”

Cocking his head to the side, Kazuma listened more carefully. “Oh, yeah, huh. Guess it is.”

“Can you tell what it says?” Megumin asked.

Blushing, Uraraka shook her head. “No, I only know the basics, I can just tell what it is.”

“O-P-E-N-U-P-Y-O-U-S-T-U-P-I-D-N-E-E- I AM NOT A NEET!” Kazuma snarled.

“How do you know morse code?” Urarka asked, her eyebrows raising in surprise.

“Pokémon,” Kazuma told her.

Everyone stared at him in perplexity. “Oh come on, I’ve seen pikachu around, you still have Pokémon!” 

“We do, I just can’t figure out how Pokémon has anything to do with morse code,” Sero said, scratching his head. 

“You needed to know morse code to unlock the Ruins of Aleph, so I taught myself that and Braileso I could get a legendary pokémon,” Kazuma explained. “Anyway, they’re obviously enemies, we should just blow them up.”

“I’m pretty sure our enemies wouldn’t call you a stupid NEET, you stupid NEET. Here, I’ll make the rubble weightless, you guys help me move it,” Uraraka ordered. 

They had the rubble cleared in short order, and when there was only a little left, the door slammed open, and Darkness’ head popped out. “Kazuma! There you are. We felt the Explosion, did you manage to slay Nigredo?”

“How do you know about her?” Kazuma asked as Darkness scrambled out, then reached down to help the others out. A large sense of relief flooded him at seeing Aqua, and he even went over and gave the shivering moron his sweater. 

“I am familiar with the keeper of the Frozen Prison,” Tanya stated, looking around the rubble. “I see you have dealt with her, at least. I suppose you’re not completely incompetent, Sato.”

“Uhh,” Kazuma said, wincing slightly as his detect foe skill went off. 

“Oh, children! I have returned with your playmates! Isn’t that nice?”

Tanya swore and drew her gun, but Chris sighed and shook her head. “Put it away. Aqua, promise me you won’t just exorcise her.”

“Why should I do that? I’m here to destroy all the smelly demons and undead in this place!” Aqua huffed.

“Because we need info, and having to fight every boss level monster in this place would take approximately forever. Whoever designed this raid was clearly a sadist,” Kazuma declared. 

“I think an explanation is required before we simply begin fighting,” Darkness said, nodding to Kazuma. “I trust Kazuma and Megumin, if not their judgement, and Eris and Uraraka would not let them do anything too foolish.”

“HEY!” Kazuma and Megumin said at the same time, but the others nodded in agreement, even if Yunyun looked guilty while she did so. 

They all turned in time to see Izuku stumble in carrying an unconscious Mei, while Bakugo and Iris were leaning on one another for support, and Nigredo carried Visha, who was rather pale with a tourniquet around the remains of her leg. 

“Lieutenant!” Tanya gasped, and hurried over to Visha’s side as the monster set her down, checking her lover for pulse, then breathing out a sigh of relief as she found it. “Aqua! She requires aid!” 

“Hold I’m, I’m healing as fast as I can,” Aqua said, as she ran her hands over Mei. “She’s just got Mind Down from using too much mana, like Megumin does. She needs rest, but Kazuma can probably juice her up later. As for you, Izuku…Heal!” 

Izuku shuddered, then sank to the ground, cradling Mei in both is arms now, and nodding his thanks to Aqua. 

Iris was next, but Aqua turned away from Bakugo towards Visha.

“Hey! I’m hurt too!” Bakugo snarled, indicating his many crusted-over cuts and myriad bruises.

“Yes, but you’re a jerk and Visha’s hurt worse. So maybe be nicer and I’ll heal you faster,” Aqua told him, then knelt over Visha. “She’s lost a lot of blood, but she’s still alive. Don’t worry, I’ll fix her.”

A short spell from Aqua later, and Visha sat up, gasping for breath. “MAJOR!” 

“I am here,” Tanya said, quicking her hand around Visha’s. “You are well, Lieutenant?”

“I…yes. Did…did we escape from Shaltear?” Visha asked, looking around in surprise.

“Hell no. The nerd and nerdette blew that bitch sky high,” Bakugo said. “OW! I thought magic healing didn’t hurt!?”

“Yes, but for you, I use iodine. Now hold still,” Aqua told him sweetly. 

“Well, if it isn’t the Godslayer. Tell me, do I get to kill her as well? She has killed a truly unfortunate number of babies,” Nigredo commented, grinning down at Tanya and Visha. 

“Yeah we’re not killing eachother until we get somewhere warm,” Kazuma said, standing and looking around. “Can we go back down that tunnel you guys came from to somewhere I won’t be freezing my ass off?”

“There is a supply room down the maintenence shaft with emergency rations and a fully stocked aid station,” Tanya informed them. “I had them installed when I reviewed the safety procedures.” 

“Ah. Well, if you are helping the children…” Nigredo shook her head. “Then I will spare you. Good luck on your venture, Godslayer. May you suffer a fate worse than you gave all those innocents you murdered.”

“Oh, uh, well, if this is goodbye,” Kazuma shifted uneasily, glancing over at Aqua, who was glaring at Nigredo.

“You’re not coming with us?” Izuku asked.

Nigredo shook her head miserably. “I have been ordered by Lord Ainz not to leave this level, and I cannot disobey him. Before you ask, I do not mean that I will not disobey him. What I have done is clearly disobeying his will, but he did not explicitly command me not to do so. Sadly, I am forced to obey any command he gives me. Likely, he will demand my life for the help I have given you.”

“Seriously? Is there no way to break the compulsion?” Sero asked, glancing over at Aqua.

“She’s a demon, Aqua would just turn her to ash if she tried to de-curse her,” Chris said with a shake of her head. She frowned at Nigredo. “Why are you helping us, anyway?”

Instead of speaking right away, Nigredo pulled out the small doll Kazuma had made for her, and clutched it to her breast. “I have always loved children. As a demon, I cannot have my own, but I have longed for them. Once, I took in humanoid orphans and cared for them here. Lord Ainz…he killed them all, raising them as soldiers for his armies. They were…innocent. I could not stop him. Only watch in horror.”

She hugged the doll, then looked up with her horribly bloody visage. “It was then that I knew that Lord Smaragdina would not have approved of the direction that Lord Ainz has taken Nazerick. Some shared my mistrust of him, such as Sebas, but there was little we could do. We were bound to his will, and even now, knowing you go to kill him…I love Lord Ainz.”

Shuddering, Nigredo turned away. “Not all of us in the Tomb are the monsters we appear to be. You should know that best, Godslayer. Now go. You have destroyed my home, and though I can help you no further, if Lord Ainz finds me, he may order me to kill you, and I cannot stand that.”

Then Nigredo began to croon softly to her doll, stroking it’s face.

“We should waste her,” Bakugo said bluntly, standing and grabbing his axe. 

“No,” Izuku said with a shake of his head. “We're killing enough people already.. And she helped us. What kind of heroes would we be if we killed innoncents?”

“You will find there are no innocents in the Tomb,” Tanya said, heading towards the ladder. “But come. It is cold, and we have wasted enough time here. Leave her. She is as strong as any in this Tomb, and the fight would be long and bloody.”

Everyone else turned and left, but Kazuma waited behind with Megumin a moment, his hands moving furiously. At last, he walked up to Nigredo, and set down a thick wool sweater with “WORLDS WORST MOMMA” on it, along with knit chibi dolls of Class 1A. “Thanks. If it means anything…I think you’d be a great mom.”

Nigredo didn’t respond, or even turn to look at the gift, and Kazuma headed down the ladder with Megumin.

“That was kind of you,” Megumin told him. “You can be surprisingly noble at times, Kazuma.”

“Yeah well, let’s hope it’s not catching. Or that all the other boss monsters have a sudden change of heart,” Kazuma sighed. “Make this dungeon crawl a lot easier.”

“Perhaps,” Megumin said, but they both knew it was bullshit.

At least the tunnel was warmer. Kazuma took Megumin’s hand, and the two of them hurried after the others down the long dark passage.