Dark Legend of Potter Chapter 63 (Patreon)

Chapter 3.11: The Ways of the Heart

The first Hogsmeade weekend had arrived, and to the shock of everyone but the professors, Megumin’s name was not on the list of banned students. This was because Megumin had earned herself an impressive number of infractions, ranging from a detention for brewing an advanced potion by stealing several ingredients, to losing a truly impressive 100 points in a single fell swoop by attempting to clean the toilets she had been assigned to during her detention with a wandless Blasting Charm. The fact that the Charm hadn’t completely worked and had only mostly destroyed one bathroom was why she was both alive, and it had only been 100 points. 

Of course, the reason that Megumin was allowed to go came down to a simple point: All of the faculty very dearly longed to have several Megumin-free hours in their weekend where she was very firmly in the category of “someone else’s problem.” 

“BWAHAAHAHAH! I have been set free, fools! You thought these walls could contain me!? YOU SHALL RUE THE DAY YOU UNDERESTIMATED MEGUMIN POTTER!” Megumin cackled upon frantically searching for her name on the list, and finding it absent. 

“Congratulations, you managed to do the bare minimum. Please try not to destroy the village while we’re there,” Percy told her. 

“Why? Do you fear my wrath that much?” Megumin snickered. 

“No, it would be a dreadful amount of paperwork, and Penelope and I have a date,” Percy said.

“Ooooooooh, does Percival have a hot date?” Fred snickered. Behind him, George smacked his palm into his face, looking mortified. 

“Yes, he does. And perhaps if you applied yourself to more than just mischief, you’d have a date as well,” Percy told him with a smirk, then strutted off, leaving Fred behind looking rather gobsmacked. 

“You set yourself up for that one, Freddie me lad,” George said with a heavy sigh, gazing almost respectfully at Percy’s departing back.

“I thought I was George today,” Fred answered with a scowl.

“Bollocks to that, I’m not having my good name sullied by your idiocy. Now come on, if we work fast, maybe we can get Angelina and Katie to go out with us so you don’t look like complete tossers,” George told his twin. 

Megumin frowned at them leaving, then turned to Ron. “Well?”

“Looks like I’m safe to go too,” Ron said, smiling at Megumin.

She grinned back at him, looking rather shy and demure for once. 

“There’s a broom shop, I’d fancy a look at the Nimbus 2002s, they’re- what? What’s wrong? Why are you making that face?!” Ron demanded, as Megumin turned around and sulked away, to his complete bafflement. 

Fortunately, Ron’s older siblings were not there to explain the vagaries of women to him, because they’d have gotten everything entirely wrong. 

However, there was someone else nearby who could have given Ron equally horrible advice. Actually, that would be a lie. Kazuma would have given the worst advice imaginable, especially if he’d actually been trying to give it.

“You’re going to bring me back some butterbeer and snacks, right?” Ginny asked Kazuma. “I’m going to be ever so lonely without my Big Bro…”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be at the Three Broomsticks, I’ll make sure to bring you back Madam Rosmerta’s best,” Kazuma promised Ginny, giving her a winning smile.

“Three Broomsticks? I thought you said you were busy,” Dust said, frowning at him. 

“Yes, busy taking a nap, because you lot won’t stop snoring,” Kazuma snapped. 

Draco sneered and nodded. “I have to use a silencing charm with how loud Dust snores.”

“Might have to teach me that,” Dust mused, scratching his chin thoughtfully.

“Why? Do you wake yourself up you snore so loud?” Draco taunted.

“Nah, you’re so loud it wakes me up sometimes, bloody awful,” Dust said with a shrug.

Drago instantly turned beet red. “I do not snore!” 

“You do,” Kazuma confirmed, making a face. “Through your nose too, makes this odd whistling noise.”

Draco turned first pale, then purple, and whirled. Finding who he was looking for, he grabbed Tom and demanded, “Do I snore?”

“Yeah, might want to get it looked at; you sound like a dying banshee,” Tom told him, shrugging Draco’s hand off. “Hmm, it’s a pity there’s not a book store in Hogsmeade. I’ve already read most of the books in the Hogwarts Library, and they don’t even have any comic books.”

“Comic books? Just ask to borrow Kazuma’s,” Dust offered, which caused Kazuma to turn white and slink off. 

“There are better things to read you know,” Hermione said, inserting herself into the conversation. “Comic books are hardly high literature.”

“You only say that because you’ve never read anything by Neil Gaiman,” Tom scoffed. “Sandman is a work that masterfully uses the strengths of the medium to propel the story to levels previously unheard of. Art and wordplay merge to tell a powerful story, balancing the scale of myth with the intimacy of individual characters. That series is thesis and statement as to why comic books as a medium should be respected!”

To everyone’s surprise, that actually caught Hermione’s interest. “Really? I just read Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Sir Terry Prattchet. Have you ever read Discworld?”

“No, what’s it about?” Tom asked eagerly, as Draco turned away and muttered to himself about ‘not snoring.’

Off in the shadows, Kazuma paused by Darkness, who pointedly did not look at him. “Tomorrow, 3pm. The Three Broomsticks. Room 7. Come alone.”

Darkness simply nodded, and Kazuma didn’t notice that she was blushing as she did so. He just hoped she didn’t notice that he was. 

Thankfully, someone at Hogwarts had some sense when it came to relationships. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a very large amount.

“I’m telling you, I don’t know what to do, Sirius!” Lupin said, pacing back and forth in the Room of Requirement, which was currently transformed to look like a bar, complete with several varieties of alcohol on tap.

“I can tell you’re serious,” his friend deadpanned, taking a sip of his beer. “But I don’t see why you’re upset.”

“I completely lost control of myself!” Lupin said, spinning about and glaring at Sirius. “Maybe Snape was right, maybe I am a danger!”

“If you’re taking Snivellus’ side, you have to know you’re mad. Calm down and have a drink. Most people would be happy in your position,” Sirius said with a roll of his eyes. 

Remus pointed a finger at Sirius, his hand trembling. “And I don’t understand why you’re not more upset! She’s your cousin!”

“Who is an adult woman. I’m very happy for the both of you,” Sirius said, raising his mug. “Now calm down and have a beer like a sensible fellow.”

Scowling, Remus did sit down, but only to put his head in his hands. “I’m a monster.”

“For making me drink alone? I quite agree,” Sirius said, draining the last of his beer. “You know, I wonder, why did this place never give us beer before? Would have been easier than smuggling in the stuff back in sixth and seventh year.”

“Because we were children! You don’t serve alcohol to children,” Lupin growled. 

“I don’t know, something seems different about this place, I wonder what it is?” Sirius mused. 

It was at that moment the door banged open, making both men practically jump out of their skins. Sirius was half transformed into a dog before a blue haired woman flounced into the room. “HEY! WHO’S STEALING ALL MY- Oh, hey Remus, hey Sirius!” 

“Lady Aqua, you nearly gave me a heart attack,” Remus gasped, putting a hand to his chest. 

Sirius sheepishly changed back. “We, uh, we aren't stealing. We just needed a place to talk in private, and this seemed like the right location. You uh, know about the room?”

“Of course, I read all the books, though it took me forever to find it,” Aqua said, coming over to the bar. “Pour your finest bubbly, Sirius! I made sure to stock this place real good when I rebuilt the castle.”

Sirius hesitated, then glanced over at Remus, who was looking exasperated. “...actually, that explains a lot.”

“One bubbly, coming up,” Sirius said, and pulled out a bottle from the rack, pouring Aqua a tall glass. 

She drank it down almost instantly, smacking her lips in appreciation. “Ah, that’s the stuff! Nothing like a drink after a long day’s work!”

The two men exchanged worried looks. “But…it’s barely noon. I’m on my lunch break,” Remus pointed out.

“Eh, it’s five o’clock somewhere, and I already had two classes this morning,” Aqua said, emulating the attitude of teachers everywhere.

“It can’t be that bad,” Sirius said, seeming concerned at Aqua’s day drinking.

“They’re second and third years,” Aqua groaned, resting her head on the table. 

“Ah,” both men said, then changed their opinion. The correct response to teaching students between ages 12 and 14 is, in fact, a heavy drinking habit. 

“Well, anyway, maybe you can call Remus here down,” Sirius said, and nodded to his companion.

“Huh? What’s wrong?” Aqua asked, lifting her head up slightly.

For his part, Remus slid onto his knees, tears in his eyes. “Forgive me, Lady Aqua, for I have sinned.”

Instantly, Aqua was all business, clutching Remus’ hand before hers. “Fear not, my child. Confess your sins to me, and be forgiven.”

“I…I have lain with a woman while…” Remus licked his lips, then managed, “While I was not in control of myself…”

“Ah, and she did not consent?” Aqua asked gently.

“Er, no, she was, um, a bit enthused about the whole thing, but I-”

“But he’s horribly guilt ridden because he’s a prude,” Sirius pointed out. 

“Oh, well, what’s the problem then? Did you cheat on Tonks?” Aqua asked, sounding angry now.

“Ah, it was Tonks,” Lupin admitted.

Aqua dropped his hands and looked baffled. “Well, I don’t get it. Did you have fun?”

Remus turned bright red, while Sirius started laughing, slapping the bar with one hand. “I, uh, well, yes…”

“Then there was no sin. All love is good in the sight of Lady Aqua, be you furry, wolfkin, or alpha/omega.” Aqua paused. “Actually, that last one is kinda gross and weird, but I mean, I do try to be inclusive.”

Deciding that anything that grossed Aqua out was probably not something for mortal minds to know, Remus ignored that last part. “But, what if I hurt her? I’m a werewolf!” 

“I know! Did you hear about the protest?” Aqua said, grinning.

“Uh, yes, I did, and, well, I’m flattered, but, er-”

“I knew Megumin was a good girl, under it all,” Sirius said, wiping a tear from his eye. “Giving Snivellus hell, just like her mother.”

“I never liked Snape in the books, but now that I’ve met him, he smells funny,” Aqua said, wrinkling her nose in disgust.

“Thus sayeth the Lord!” Sirius declared, and poured himself and Remus a beer. “Congratulations, mate, cheers!” 

“I still think you shouldn’t be nearly this enthused about the whole thing,” Remus muttered, but took the beer. 

Putting one arm around Remus’ shoulders, Sirius gestured broadly with his pint, sloshing a bit of the beer onto the floor. “Just think about it! Before, we were brothers by choice, but now, we’ll be family in truth! It’s fantastic!”

“I didn’t think about it that way,” Remus admitted. He winced slightly. “Er, what do you think Andy and Ted will think of it?”

“They’ll come around on it. My favorite cousin’s a good sort, and so is Teddy. Besides, their daughter loves you, what more would they want?” Sirius demanded. 

“A son in law that isn’t a monster,” Remus muttered into his beer.

“I wouldn’t worry about it; it’s not like she’s marrying Snape,” Aqua pointed out. 

That particular comment got Remus and Sirius both right as they were taking a drink, and both men ended up spewing beer out of their noses as they laughed, getting both of themselves half soaked. 

“I mean, we’ve just a few dates, it’s not like we’re getting married yet,” Remus giggled, taking out his wand to clean off the beer. Really, it was cheating how easy wizards had it with those things. They wouldn’t even smell like booze after that.

The whole mood shifted, as Sirius went from jovial to dark and broody at the drop of a hat. “My good fellow,” he said in a soft, dangerous voice. “Are you telling me you had your way with my favorite cousin, and shall now spurn her?”

“Well, n-no, I just, I mean, we’ve only known one another for a few months, and, well, er, I don’t want to take things too quickly,” Remus stammered. “I, ah, do intend to do properly by her, it’s just-”

“Excellent!” Sirius said, slapping Remus on the back with a hearty chuckle, his glower vanishing in a moment. “Just see that you don’t break her poor heart and leave her. I’d hate to have to turn you into dogmeat.”

“Yeah, Eris would be super mad too,” Aqua agreed. “More bubbly!” 

“To our two love birds!” Sirius said, and clinked glasses with Aqua, while Remus sat there, his eyes glazed over and a frozen smile on his face. What had he gotten himself into? 

Meanwhile, Tonks was strolling along the edge of the Forbidden Forest, whistling happily to herself and spinning her wand through her fingers like a cowboy. There was a spring in her step and just a little something extra in her swagger as she walked, along with a stupid grin plastered all over her face. 

It was fortunate indeed for her that the only staff member who’d seen her so far was Snape, who didn’t have the life experience to understand why she was in such a good mood. 

“Wonder where Blackie’s gone off too,” Tonks mused, looking around. She shrugged. “Must be with Remus or Megumin. Ah well, it’s a beautiful day regard-”

KRACK-CA-THOOM!

“GOD DAMMIT, MEGUMIN! I WAS HAVING A GOOD DAY!” Tonks snarled, picking herself up off the leafstrewn ground and charging forward through the trees towards where the mushroom cloud was forming at the edge of the forest. 

It didn’t take her two long to track down the two girls hurrying through the forest, especially since one of them was riding piggyback on the other. 

“INCARCEROUS!” Tonks snapped, and a rope flew out of her wand, tangling itself around both Yunyun and Megumin, and sending both teens to the forest floor in a spray of leaves and a tangle of limbs. 

“Back, foul beast!” Megumin snarled, struggling weakly against the ropes. “For I shall smite you with my most powerful spell!” 

“Megumin, i-it’s just Tonks,” Yunyun said. “Tonks, um, d-don’t you recognize us?”

“That’s Auror Tonks to you, you bloody little menaces,” Tonks growled, squatting down beside the two guilty parties. “And don’t even think of pretending it wasn’t you two.”

“How could I deny that it was I who unleashed that glorious Explosion, even if it was just a small one?” Megumin demanded, grinning at Tonks around the ropes that wrapped about her face. 

“Um, t-technially, we didn’t break any rules. Um, we were fulfilling the bounty on flying monkeys,” Yunyun offered weakly. 

Tonks glanced in the direction of the devastation, which wasn’t hard to see thanks to all the trees that had been knocked down. Indeed, the portion of the Forbidden Forest that had been most infested by the flying pests was now mostly a smoking crater, though a significant portion of the woods were now also on fire that hadn’t previously been monkey territory. 

“I think, perhaps, that Remus had something else besides blowing up the whole bloody Forbidden Forest  in mind when he set that bounty. Besides, you can’t honestly tell that either of you need extra credit in his class,” Tonks told them. 

Megumin instantly scowled. “I only have an O. He gave me an A on my last essay for ‘use of ultra-violet prose.’”

Having seen the essay in question and laughed her head off, especially at the use of the phrase ‘guided by the hand of fate, search within thy soul and draw forth thy mystic might, and unleash the Point Me charm to defeat the beguiling lies of the foul Hinkypunks! Or, if one is of a more martial persuasion and has mastered the GREATEST OF MYSTIC ARTS, cast the mightiest of Spells, EXPLOSION! And blow the foul beasts to smithereens!’ 

“Well, just like he said on the notes for your essay, the solution to the problem of Flying Monkeys is NOT an Explosion,” Tonks growled. She was about to haul both miscreants to their feet, when she heard the sound of hooves. Sighing, she undid the binding spell, then grabbed both girls by their ears and pulled them to their feet in squeals of protest, though she did have to let Megumin flop back down or risk ripping the ear off. 

When the herd of centaurs broke through the trees nearby, stomping and snorting in anger, she raised her free hand. “Department of Magical Law Enforcement! I’ve got the situation under control.”

“Under control!?” the leader of the centaurs snarled, stamping his hooves in outrage. “You wizards just blew up half our forest, and the rest is now on fire!” 

Tonks glanced behind the centaurs and grimaced. “Er, yes. I have, however, apprehended the suspects.”

“Um, hello, Mr. Magorian,” Yunyun said, waving sheepishly. 

“You!?” Magorian was taken aback, then sighed heavily and turned to Tonks. “Apologies. It seems I was misguided. It was not wizardkind that decimated our living space. This time.”

Tonks took a moment to process that, while the other centaurs muttered, and a big one with black hair snapped, “They are as bad as wizards! They live in the castle, and are accepted by them! They’ve even given them wands!”

“Uh, we’re very sorry. Aren’t we, Megumin?” Yunyun said. When Megumin just grunted, Yunyun kicked her in the shortribs.

“Ow! Yes, we’re very sorry,” Megumin wheezed. 

“And we promise to grow back the forest, now that we’ve cleared out the flying monkeys,” Yunyun added.

That gave Tonks an idea. “You know what, these two have thoroughly earned a detention. Or ten. How’s about they spend their next few Hogsmeade visits working with you centaurs to regrow the forest? No trips to Hogsmeade until they’ve both damn well fixed the damage they’ve caused.”

Both girls let out cries of protest, but the centaurs actually gaped at Tonks.

“You, an auror…would have us punish two children you wizards have taken in?” the centaur chief asked, flabbergasted.

“Well, I mean, if it’s too much bother, me, Hagrid, and Remus can see to it,” Tonks said with a shrug. “Probably Sylvia too. She wouldn’t let this pair of morons get away with anything.”

Magorian considered it, then solemnly crossed his arms over his chest and bowed to Tonks. “The bargain is struck. We shall see to these two’s…education.”

“And if you happen to beat them a few times, they probably deserve it,” Tonks told him, bowing back. 

“We do not beat foals,” Magorian laughed. “Much as Bane would probably enjoy it.”

“I wouldn’t beat Yunyun; I don’t have a death wish,” Bane muttered. 

That mess taken care of, Tonks had Yunyun carry Megumin on her back back to the castle as the centaurs rode off. They trode along in silence for only a few brief, sweet moments, before Megumin piped up and ruined it again. 

“Do we really have to miss our Hogsmeade visits?!” 

“Yes,” Tonks informed her. “You just blew up half the bloody forest! What if you’d killed some of the centaurs instead of just the monkeys!? The least you can do is fix up their home after you destroyed it.”

“She’s r-right, Megumin. The centaurs are our friends. W-we shouldn’t have blown up their home, it was cruel,” Yunyun pointed out.

“I’ve blown up the castle twice and no one’s complained,” Megumin muttered, which earned her a sigh of exasperation from Yunyun and a stinging hex to her rear from Tonks. 

“No one’s complained?! Are you mad!? Everyone’s complained that you keep blowing up the school! Eris help me, if you blow up Hogwarts this year, I’ll break your wand myself!” Tonks snapped. 

“No! Not Chunchumaru! I would rather die!” Megumin pleaded. “He’s a noble, mighty wand! And what if Voldemort shows up!? Or Sirius Black!? What if I must resort to Explosion to fend them off?!”

“Ok, well, if your life is in serious danger from Voldemort, you can consider it. But you’ve already used that excuse twice, and I don’t think it will fly again!” Tonks informed Megumin.

“Hmph. If I die in a climactic duel because I was forced not to use Explosion, I want you to know it was your fault,” Megumin muttered, shooting Tonks a dark look. 

Tonks ignored it, but her good mood had been completely soured. Maybe she could convince Remus to go back to the Shrieking Shack with her tonight. Or her bedroom. Or anywhere, really. He didn’t even have to turn into a werewolf this time. 

“Tonks, why did you call Professor Lupin ‘Remus’?” Yunyun asked as they exited the forest.

Tonks tripped over her own boots and landed face first in the grass. She popped up, glaring at Yunyun. “We’re close working companions? Why do you ask!?”

“W-well…you seem…friends…are…are you good friends?” Yunyun asked, and smiled shyly at Tonks. Megumin peered around her cousin’s head, ears perking up as she sensed juicy gossip. 

“Oh? Does our Auror see her destiny intertwined with our Defense Professor?!” Megumin asked eagerly. 

“I, um, well, I, er- YOU TWO ARE IN ENOUGH TROUBLE ALREADY! GO TAKE MEGUMIN TO THE INFIRMARY!” Tonks shouted, trying and failing to keep her face from going bright red. 

Yunyun headed off, with Tonks muttering to herself. At last, she made up her mind and headed for Dumbledore’s office. He probably didn’t need to be told who’d blown up the forest, but he’d probably appreciate knowing Tonks had dealt with it already. 

As Yunyun carried her towards the castle, Megumin whispered, “So, are Tonks and Professor Lupin in love?”

“I think she’s in love with him, but I don’t think he’s noticed,” Yunyun whispered back.

Megumin nodded in commiseration. “Boys can be thick like that.”

“We have to help her! I had some ideas, but now I can’t go to Hogsmeade,” Yunyun said mournfully.

“Ah, I see.” Megumin considered that, then asked, “Is there a boy you fancy?”

Yunyun came to an abrupt halt as Megumin let out a wail and fell to the ground with a thump. Blushing, she spun about, wringing her hands. “I-I have lots of friends! I, um, I just…I-I haven’t even thought about a boyfriend! I’m only t-thirteen! It’s normal for girls our age not to have boyfriends!”

“It would be less normal if the boys weren’t all idiots,” Megumin complained. “It’s OK, we’ll find a way to set you up on a date.”

Yunyun looked down at Megumin helplessly. “Um, we should really focus on T-Tonks first, I think.”

“I suppose it would be good practice for when we get our own boyfriends,” Megumin agreed. “Alright, here’s what we’re going to do…”

PHILO: I may or may not be a huge fan of Gaiman’s Sandman. Definitely a fan of his Batman One Shot.