The Second Archon War: Parma Cordis 1 (Patreon)

Parma Cordis 1: Cleaning up the Streets

The alarms still echoed in the distance as I stood around with the rest of the Undersiders, uncertain of what to do now. Legend was still hovering overhead, while Alexandria and Eidolon had gone off to try to slow Leviathan down. Fuck. An Endbringer? I could control bugs. What could I even do? I suppose information gathering was going to be about all. I glanced at the watches that they’d passed out, hoping they worked as advertised. 

Bitch was standing with Brutus and Angelicia, already grown to massive size, staring out towards the ocean. Grue was checking his equipment again, while Tattletale tapped her foot nervously. Regent played with his scepter, looking bored and disinterested, but I could sense his nervousness. 

“Oh, there you all are! Sorry I’m late, but I heard the sirens and I just got so lost! I don’t know where my head is today, but I barely recognize Brockton!”

We all turned slowly to see a smiling woman in oddly ornate armor looking at us happily. The whole thing was decked out in roses, but she had on an apron and a maid hat of all things, and a massive sword that appeared to be carved from the bones of a giant creature.  “And you all changed your costumes! I had the hardest time recognizing you. So, is this a drill? Surely there isn’t another Endbringer, not with the Rat King serving the Tsaritsa.”

“Lady, what the fuck are you talking about?” Grue demanded, his voice echoing slightly as darkness vented from his helmet. 

The woman’s hands flew to her face and she let out a gasp. “Brian! Language! What kind of example are you setting for the others when you talk like that? You’re the team leader!” 

“He can talk however the fuck he wants,” Bitch growled, even as Brutus let out a threatening rumble and stalked towards the woman. 

Instead of getting upset, she beamed at the monster dog, and took his face in her hands. “Oh, who’s a good boy? You are! Yes you are! Are you really going to let your mommy talk to you like that? Whatever is she thinking! Someone must have woken up on the wrong side of the bed today!”

I half expected the woman to get her arm bitten off, but to my shock, Brutus let out a happy bark, then rolled over on his belly for the woman to eagerly rub it. 

“The fuck are you doing to my dog!? Brutus, heel!” Bitch snapped, and the dog quickly rolled over and trotted sheepishly back to her side. 

“Well, I can see you all worried. Well, don’t fret! I heard the President herself was here today, and that’s surely a good sign! Whatever the threat is, we’ll overcome it, together,” the woman told us with a gentle smile. 

I turned to Tattletale, hoping to get some clarity. “Who is this woman?”

In response, Tattletale’s eyes rolled up in the back of her head, and she dropped to the ground, foaming at the mouth and twitching. I panicked, barely managing to grab her head before she smacked into the concrete.

“Oh, goddess! Sara, what’s wrong!?” the woman cried desperately. She planted her hands on the ground, and strange growing crystals rose up, cradling Tattletale gently. 

“Hey. Who the fuck are you, and how do you know our names?” Grue growled, grabbing at the woman’s wrist. 

She blinked at him in confusion. “Why, because you told me! And you know me, I’m just Noelle! I know I just used to be the janitor, but I’ve got my Vision now too! I did just want to be a PRT team member, but I guess being a member of the Protectorate will do…even if I never did pass the test…”

Before things could further devolve, the crabs I had at the limits of my range suddenly lost contact, and I whirled to see the ocean surging towards us. “He’s coming! Get ready!” 

To my shock, Tattletale was getting groggily to her feet. I put out a hand, but Noelle was there, helping her up. “Are you alright? Do you need some tea? I could brew you some.”

“I’m fine,” Tattletale groaned. She shot the woman a puzzled look. “I have…so many questions. But they’ll have to wait. We sort of have an Endbringer on our hands.”

“Endbringer?” the woman blinked, even as the waves broke, and a monstrosity I was all too familiar with emerged. 

“Oh, Barbados protect us, and Morax preserve us,” Noelle gasped, her hands reaching to the sword on her back. “Leviathan has returned?! But… how?”

“Who the fuck cares, get ready!” Grue snarled, bracing himself. 

“Yes. You all stand behind me. You’re just children, after all,” Noelle told us, striding forward. “I can’t let any harm come to you, or anyone else.”

“Are you a Brute?” I asked. It would be good to have someone more durable on our side. Bitch’s dogs were strong, but they couldn’t hope to face an Endbringer alone.

“She’s a Vision Holder,” Tattletale said, her voice slightly distant. 

“I’m just a humble janitor,” Noelle said firmly. Her eyes began to glow amber, and crystals formed at her feet as she held her giant sword before her. That thing was massive, even taller than Brian was, and made of knobby, razor sharp bone segments. “And it’s time to clean up.”

A tidal wave rushed towards us, and I let out a cry of panic as above us, Legend shouted, “Brace yourselves!” 

“Let’s Set the Table!” Noelle cried, and slammed her sword into the ground. “Dinner is Served!” 

Great glowing stone pillars with veins of amber rose up out of the ground, breaking the tidal wave around us in a  hiss of water. To my shock, the water that touched the barrier froze, building it higher as liquid turned into crystal, glowing blue drops of which hovered around us.

“Pick them up! Take the crystals!” Tattletale cried, grabbing one herself. A bubble of blue popped up around her, and she let out a sigh. “Holy shit that worked.”

“After this, I’m washing all of your mouths out with soap. Just because there’s a crisis doesn’t excuse bad manners,” Noelle said firmly. 

Before I could try to protest, Tattletale dragged me into the crystals, and a bubble popped up around me as well. It felt…solid. Safe. As if I was protected from harm. Then I let out a scream as out of the water burst a shadow of Levithan, one of his water echos.

“Steady as Stone!” 

Noelle was there in a heartbeat, a honeycomb amber crystal around herself as she slammed into the water echo. It too crystallized, and Noelle plowed through the waves, charging towards the Endbringer, which was already engaged with several other capes, as more pounded it from range. 

As Noelle approached, she gathered up more of those odd crystals, layers of bubbles forming around her. Leviathan’s tail cracked out towards her, slamming into the shields, but skittering off them, deflected. She bowled right into the horror, her giant sword apparently unhindered by her layers of shields as it bit into the Endbringer’s flesh. It didn’t roar in pain or even hiss, instead swiping at her with a claw. Noelle traded blows with the Endbringer for several moments, something few capes could do.

Then her shield broke in a flare of amber light and crystals. Leviathan stumbled back, crystals clinging to its flesh, but Noelle was batted across the battlefield and into a wall, where she impacted with a thunderous boom. 

“Well, that didn’t last long,” Brian said grimly. “Right, how do we-”

“She’s not done,” Tattletale said grimly. 

“Yeah, well, fuck this! Brutus, Angelica, Attack!”

The dogs let out howls and rushed in, biting at the Leviathan as Blaster capes like Legend pounded it. The Endbringer casually took a swipe at Brutus in an almost lazy motion, and sent the dog pinwheeling through the air as it whined in pain. 

To my shock, someone caught Brutus, then gently sent him down on the watery ground. 

“Good dog, Brutus,” Noelle said gently. How she’d caught a dog twice her size, I had no idea. She ran her hand over Brutus’ wounds, and they were swiftly knit together.

“Hey! That’s my…oh. Fuck,” Bitch gasped, her eyes wide as Brutus got up, wagging his tail weaky and licking at Noelle’s face. 

She smiled at him, then gave Bitch a sad smile. “I said I would protect everyone. That means Brutus and Angelica too. Looks like I’ll just have to work extra hard this time!” 

Then, she began to walk towards the battle again, even as Levithan slammed Alexandria into the water with his tail, appearing to try to drown her.

“Madam President! Oh no!” Noelle cried. She broke into a run, picking up the crystals that were now scattered about the battlefield as she sprinted towards Leviathan. Her entire body began to glow amber, then she swung her sword. “As a Dutiful Maid Would!” 

A giant glowing amber blade sprang to life around her sword, and Noelle leapt into the air, so high she was at head height for Leviathan. The Endbringer spun on her, sending out a jet of water. Her shield sprang up again, and the water splashed away as amber crystals, further empowering Noelle’s sword as it continued to grow in length. 

“AS A GOOD KNIGHT SHOULD!” Noelle bellowed, and brought her sword down. There was a thunderous crash and the water around Levithan exploded, freezing into a great spray of amber crystal. A moment later, it cracked and shattered as Leviathan and Noelle burst through it, now exchanging blows that looked like they could level buildings. 

Noelle’s sword swung back and forth with impossible speed, drawing great gouts of black blood from Leviathan, even as it sent water echoes at her, great surges of waves, and struck at her with tail and claw. None of it seemed to phase her, and indeed, she just seemed to grow stronger as the fight went on, her sword growing in size until it was as tall as the Endbringer. 

“She’s got it on the ropes!” Legend called. “Hit it with everything you've got!” 

Every cape in the vicinity with even a hint of long ranged firepower opened up. I sent bugs to try to attack Leviathan, and to my shock, they were able to pick up the crystals and get small bubbles of power around them as well. They crawled into the wounds of the Endbringer, before their little shields popped, further weakening it. 

“I don’t know how you returned!” Noelle bellowed, her voice taking on an oddly deep quality, her entire body now glowing with power. “But I swear, by the Oath I took to protect this city, you shall not harm a single resident!” 

With that, she slammed her sword into Leviathan's side, biting deep enough to sever its right arm. The Endbringer let out an odd, warbling keening sound, like nothing I had ever heard before. And, perhaps, the first real sound it had made this entire battle. 

Apparently, Leviathan had enough at this point, and it began to try to work its way back towards the city, waves now rising up as if it carry it back to its home in the deep. Noelle, however, was having none of that, circling around and interposing herself between Leviathan and the ocean. She even created more of those great amber stones, blocking off any potential retreat. 

“You are nothing but a mess, and I am the Maid of the Protectorate! It’s time for you to be tidied up!” Noelle declared, still hacking away at Leviathan. I could barely believe what I was seeing. She was…winning? This was impossible. You didn’t win against Endbringers. You just survived. 

Noelle’s attacks had opened huge holes in the Endbringer, and a dark inner core was now revealed. Noelle simply continued to carve Leviathan like she was serving up fish for supper, helped along by the Blaster capes, and several other Brutes who had joined in the fight, though this was clearly a match of the Maid Vs the Monster. 

“I must Leave No Stone Unturned!” Noelle declared, and with that, drove her sword in a straight thrust right at Leviathan’s core. There was a sound like a thousand panes of glass breaking at once, then an explosion of water and crystal. The air became thick and foggy, and I coughed, despite the fact that it was just mist. Then, I froze. My bugs were climbing all over Levithan at this point, and I realized something.

The Endbringer wasn’t moving. 

Stumbling forward, I sloshed through the water until I found the dead corpse of Leviathan. Noelle’s sword, no longer glowing with power, was embedded deep within the dark core at its center. The maid in question was perched atop the corpse, sitting and panting. She saw me coming and smiled, waving cheerily. 

“Oh, there you are, Taylor! I must say, this has made a horrible mess! It will take days to get this call cleaned up.” 

I couldn’t speak, not just because this strange woman apparently knew my name, but because I was looking at the impossible. I slowly drew my knife, then walked forward. I trust it into the unseeing eye of Leviathan, and the blade penetrated about one inch before stopping. But there was no reaction. 

A moment later, Alexandria and Legend floated down, looking at the reality defying corpse. 

“Oh, Madam President! Director Keith!” Noelle hastily stood up and bowed. “I know I’ve made a terrible mess, but don’t you worry! We’ll have this all cleaned up in no time! Never you fear, I have a lot of experience as a janitor! I know a thing or two about cleaning up messes.”

“Who…who are you?” Alexandria asked. 

The woman beamed happily at them. “Just a humble maid! Who hopes one day to be a full PRT team member! Noelle Smith, of the Brockton Bay Protectorate!” 

With that, Noelle took my hand. “Come on, Taylor! Let’s get started with the clean up. If you do a good job, I promise not even to wash your mouth out with soap! Then, I promise to make us all a nice cup of tea with some sandwiches! Maybe even a few treats for Brutus and Angelica, the poor dears!”

The next thing I knew, I had a broom in my hands, and I was helping clean up debris. I looked around the street, to where Noelle was happily humming to herself and picking up entire cars before carrying them out of the road. Brian was looking confused as he swept bits of glass, while Tattletale was industriously bagging up rubbish with large black trash bags Noelle had somehow had on herself. Rachel was using her dogs to haul away trash, and Alec was frowning as he looked at a shovel like he didn’t know how to use it.

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t quite catch your name. I don’t recognize you, are you new here?” Noelle asked Alec, a Ford F150 held over her head. 

He looked at her in exasperation, then shrugged. “Just call me Alec. You know everyone else’s names. Except Tats for some reason.”

“I was born Sara. She knows me by my birth name, not Lisa,” Tattletale said. She looked up, frowning. “My power gives me some very confusing answers about you.”

“Well, hopefully it doesn’t give away my secret recipe for coffee cake!” Noelle said brightly. “Now no slacking, Alec! This city won’t clean itself up!”

And with that, Noelle set the two-ton truck down in an empty parking spot, then went back to dig out more debris. 

“This is stupid,” Alec grumbled. “Why are we even doing this?” 

“Dude, don’t question it,” Brian told him. “She just solo’d an Endbringer. She wants us to clean up the street? We clean up the street.”

Alec still muttered, but he didn’t argue. 

For my part? I felt a strange warmth inside of me. Somehow…somehow I think I knew. The world had changed, and for once, I’d done something I could be proud of that day.

Even if it was just cleaning up a sidewalk. 

Do not doubt my love of Noelle for even a moment. I got Chiori just for her. 

Happy April Fools