Dark Legend of Potter: Chapter 60 (Patreon)

Being an auror was a serious duty, and even if Tonks was typically anything but a serious person, she did treat her job soberly. She’d spent the first weeks of school up every night, faithfully patrolling the Hogwarts grounds with Blackie and keeping a sharp eye out for Sirius Black. But aside from surprising several couples who’d been doing broom closet inspection and Blackie terrorizing Mrs. Norris, she hadn’t found anything of note at all, with neither hide nor hair of Sirius Black at all. 

Which was why a month into the school year, Tonks felt like a zombie as she dragged herself to the high table for breakfast, slumping into her chair and blearily scooping up a plate of hot eggs, bacon, potatoes, and fried tomatoes to shovel into her mouth. 

“Good morning, Tonks,” Lupin said, smiling at her.

She tried to smile back, but it was more like gritting her teeth. “The good news is, the school is currently Sirius Black free.”

Absently, Tonks handed a piece of bacon down to Blackie, who eagerly snapped up the treat. 

Lupin picked that moment to develop a coughing fit, though after a drink of water he managed to calm down. “Sorry, something in my throat,” he said apologetically. 

Tonks just nodded, gnawing on her own bit of bacon and looking gloomily out at the students as they chatted and ate. None of them seemed in a particular hurry, and the hall was much emptier than usual. “What day is it, even?”

“Sunday,” Lupin supplied, giving Tonks a worried look. “Haven’t you been sleeping at all?”

“I got a short nap, but you know what they say. ‘Constant Vigilance,’” Tonks yawned. “I stay awake with Invigorating Draughts and coffee. Can’t let Black get the jump on me.”

Lupin glanced under the table at Blackie, who thumped the ground with his tail and grinned sheepishly, whining softly. 

“You’ve had enough bacon,” Tonks muttered, but slid the dog another bit, though for some reason he didn’t take it. Was he sick?

“Look, if you’re in such bad shape, you’ll never be able to confront Sirius even if you did manage to find him,” Lupin told Tonks. “Maybe we should put together a rotation, help you out a little. You can’t be patrolling the campus day and night.”

“It’s my job, I’ll deal,” Tonks yawned, giving up on breakfast and staggering to her feet. “‘Night. Morning. Whatever.”

She managed to find her way to her bed, where she collapsed for four hours of blessed sleep before her alarm went off. Groaning, she summoned a house elf for coffee, then showered off some of the grime, realizing she’d slept in her robes, again. 

Then it was an Invigorating Draught for lunch, which upset her stomach, but nothing for it. And Tonks was back out on patrol. 

Feeling light headed but focused and alert from the Invigorating Draught, Tonks strode along the halls, whistling tunelessly and keeping a weather eye out for any signs of Sirius Black. What would he even look like? Someone skulking in the halls? The Dark Mark over a building? She was focused, but her mind was wandering anyway, since she was mostly focused on staying awake. 

“And here I thought I could actually spend this year improving my dating life,” Tonks grumbled. “Haven’t had a spark of romance since I started this damn job.”

“Miss Tonks? Are you alright?” 

Tonks blinked a few times to focus herself, and realized she was looking at the concerned face of Yunyun and two of her friends. What were their names again?

“If you’re feeling like your life lacks romantic zest, have you considered joining the Axis Cult?” the one with dark blonde hair said. Right. Lavender. That was her name. 

“You should get checked to see if your zizantimum levels are properly high. If they’re not, you could get infected with wrackspurts, which could cause romantic discombobulation,” the straw blonde one said. Of course. How could Tonks forget Looney Lovegood?

“Look loves, I’m much too tired to deal with…whatever it is you're talking about,” Tonks sighed heavily, reaching into her blouse and pulling out a silver medallion. “Besides, I’m in the Fortuna Cult.”

Lavender blew a raspberry and turned away, but Luna just nodded thoughtfully. “Well, Eris is Aqua’s junior. Besides, you hang out with Chris more.”

“Right, of course,” Tonks said, trying to get around the girls, but Yunyun just fell into step behind her. 

“I-If you need friends, y-you could be our friend! I-I like Eris too!” Yunyun said helpfully. 

Tonks gave Yunyun a pained smile. The very thought of having to hang around pre-teens more than absolutely necessary made her want to run screaming for the hills. She remembered what she’d been like at that age, and it wasn’t pretty. 

“Well, I was thinking more about Professor Lupin, actually. And less about being his friend and more about-” Tonks cut herself off just in time. Once again, she’d let her mouth run away from her. 

There were excited squeals, and Tonks found herself surrounded by the grinning and eager faces of the three girls. Even Luna had lost her somewhat vague expression and was grinning like even more of a loon than usual. 

“You want to date Professor Lupin?! He’s such a hunk!” Lavender sighed dreamily. 

“Oi, hands off girlie, I saw him first,” Tonks snapped, still too tired to really be thinking straight. “Besides, you’re what, twelve?”

“Thirteen,” Lavender said defensively.

“Same difference, really,” Tonks sighed. “Look, he’s your teacher and he’s much too old for you. And he’s got some dark secrets and baggage a girl your age isn’t ready for.” And also some lovely chest hair, but Tonks managed not to blurt that part out.

“You’d be perfect for one another,” Luna sighed, clasping her hands and giggling excitedly. “A rough and tumble auror, ready to tame the ferocious beast of a man! Are you so tired because you’ve been afflicted with jiving ninnies? They make you even more lovesick than usual.”

“I’m so bloody tired because I’m keeping you sprogs safe from Sirius Black and I can’t get any sleep!” Tonks snapped in irritation. 

Yunyun blinked in surprise, Lavender gave Tonks a commiserating nod, but Luna just tilted her head to one side in confusion. 

“But he’s right there,” Luna said, pointing behind Tonks. 

Tonks just about jumped out of her skin, her wand flighting into her hand out of her holster as she readied a spell, while Lavender screamed and Yunyun summoned a giant spear that appeared to be ripped from the heart of a star. 

“Woof, woof!” Blackie cried, turning around from where he’d been sitting and barking at the other students in the corridor, who just about jumped out of their skin.

“Oh wait,” Luna said, blushing and looking mildly embarrassed. “Um, Blackie’s just a black dog. Just, you know, I was confused, and Aqua said I’m not supposed to talk about the plot.”

“You are giving me a heart attack, girl!” Tonks snapped, jamming her wand back into its holster and glaring at Luna, who was looking down and looking incredibly sheepish. 

“Oh, s-sorry,” Yunyun stammered, waving her hand and dismissing the very deadly looking spell. 

“You’ll have to teach me that one,” Tonks mused. “Nonverbal, too? That’s pretty nifty, definitely could take out a Death Eater or three with that.”

“I’ve been practicing,” Yunyun admitted, going over and ruffling Blackie’s ears. “S-sorry for scaring you, boy.”

Blackie barked and licked Yunyun’s face, which made her giggle. Tonks sighed and beckoned the dog over. 

“Right, well, I’m off on patrol again,” Tonks sighed as Blackie heeled. She turned to go, only for the three girls to fall in around her. She walked on for a bit, hoping they were just going in the same direction, but after the second turn it was increasingly obvious that they were just following her.

“Look, you lot can’t just follow me, I’m looking for Sirius Black. The man is an incredibly dangerous death eater, and he’s out for you lot regardless!” she snapped, whirling on the three girls. 

“Well, yes, b-but I’ve fought Voldemort twice,” Yunyun pointed out. “I-I could help.”

“And we’re Axis Priestesses!” Lavender said excitedly, pulling Yunyun into a hug. “We can totally fight a Death Eater!”

“Actually, I’m a Bard,” Luna said, pulling out a funny looking card. “Or I will be once I reach level two, I had to take my first level in Sorceror. I would have made it Wizard, but since our magic is a bloodline ability Aqua and I decided that it would make more sense for me to start off as Sorcerer instead.”

Ignoring that bit of nonsense from Luna, Tonks squinted at Yunyun. She was 13, but this was the same girl who’d helped her cousin fight Voldemort twice, and had personally invaded the home of two very dangerous not-so-former Death Eaters with just another 12 year old girl and very nearly killed the entire family all on her lonesome. 

Also, Tonks had been over to the Dursleys, and that place was bloody terrifying. Vernon might have been responsible for most of it, but Yunyun had come up with some of the more “creative” traps that had stymied Mad-Eye Moody himself. If there was any student at this school who could personally fight Sirius Black and win, it was probably Yunyun.

Or, well, Megumin, but Tonks preferred her castles unexploded and herself cleanly out of the blast radius. 

“You lot really think you could face Sirius Black himself on your lonesome?” Tonks asked, her tired mind failing spectacularly to come up with the myriad reasons why this was a Bad Idea. 

“Well, we’d probably ask T-Tom to help,” Yunyun mused. “He knows a lot about, um…f-fighting Death Eaters…”

What that maniac boy could do against a Death Eater, Tonks hadn’t a clue, but there was something odd about him too. 

“You know what? If it will get me some sleep, I’m all for it.” Tonks turned to Blackie and jerked her thumb at the girls. “You go on patrol with them. I’m taking a bloody nap.”

And with that, Tonks wandered off to bed, where she passed out for a full day, and was violently ill the next, with Madam Pomfrey putting her on bedrest and forbidding her from taking any more Invigorating Draughts, but we’ll catch up with her later. 

For now, Yunyun called an Emergency Meeting of the Union for Spreading Social Reform, which took place in Hagrid’s hut, as they weren’t allowed in the Chamber of Secrets since they were too young to drink. 

“Welcome, welcome,” Hagrid said, beaming around at his guests as they filed in. “Jest got some tea on the kettle, and some biscuits for yeh.”

“Thank you, Hagrid,” Yunyun said graciously, taking the rock hard biscuit and soaking it in her tea. 

“And fer you, Ms. Sylvia, got some o’ that monkey jerky yeh said yeh wanted to try,” Hagrid said, pulling out thin strips of dried and peppered meat. Yunyun decided she most definitely wasn’t going to try that. Flying Monkeys were filthy creatures. 

Tom, not knowing any better, nearly broke a tooth on one of Hagrid's biscuits, having bit down rather enthusiastically on his. He winced and pulled it out (the biscuit, not the tooth), regarding it suspiciously, before copying the girls and soaking his in his cup of builders tea. 

For his part, Blackie happily took some monkey jerky and curled by the fire next to fang, who regarded the smaller dog with no small amount of trepidation. No one seemed to notice, as Fang regarded everything with no small amount of trepidation, even when they weren’t very funny-smelling dogs. 

“I-I’ve called you all here today because something v-very serious has come to my attention,” Yunyun said gravely. 

“He’s Sirius alright, and I won’t let him threaten my friends!” Tom declared, puffing out his chest and looking at Yunyun adoringly. 

On hearing that, Sylvia’s head snapped up from enjoying her monkey-jerky, and she hissed as she glared around the cozy cottage. “Who threatensss my friendsss?”

“We told you, this is a Sirius matter,” Luna stated gravely. 

Sylvia blinked at that, still frowning. “Yesss, but who threatensss Yunyun?”

“Oh, yeh know love, it’s Sirius,” Hagrid answered. 

By the fireplace, Blackie let out a groan and put his paws over his eyes. He’d clearly heard this one before. 

“I know it’sss seriousss, that’sss why I’m ssso upssset!” Sylvia snarled, standing up and balling her hands into fists, her tongue flickering in and out as she tried vainely to taste the air. 

“We’re all upset about this Sirius Situation,” Lavender said, covering her hand with her mouth to hide her smile. Despite all appearances and evidence to the contrary, she wasn’t completely brain dead. And besides, her patron goddess was a comic one, she knew a good setup when she saw one. 

“Well, then what are we going to do? Who am I going to kill? Why am I the only one taking this seriously!” Sylvia snarled. 

“Well, to be fair, it’s not Yunyun that’s under Sirius threat, it’s Megumin,” Tom pointed out. 

“Oh.” Syliva considered that, and sat back down. “Well, Megumin isss Yunyun’sss sssissster, and she would be very sssad if anything were to happen to her. This is still a serious problem.”

Blackie briefly considered removing the mystery of the entire situation, just so the incredibly lame puns would stop. 

“W-well, Tonks does need some help with her Sirius problem, but-” Lavender began, but Sylvia interrupted her. 

“We’re not talking about Tonksss’ problem, we’re talking about the serious problem of sssomeone trying to hurt Yunyun and her sssister!” Syliva snapped. 

“But that’s what Tonks’ Sirius Problem is,” Hagrid said, sounding confused. 

“Well, if she thinksss she can hurt Yunyun or Megumin, I have a lesssson to teach her,” Sylvia hissed. 

Having just about enough of this, Blackie went over to the door and started whining and scratching at it. Much more of this and he really would ruin everything. 

“No, the problem is that T-Tonks is trying to save us from Sirius, and she’s not getting enough sleep,” Yunyun said, the patron saint of innocence, and also someone who hated lame puns. She got up to let Blackie out, but he just shot her a grateful look and went to go lie back down. “M-Make up your mind! Um, anyway, the Sirius Problem, er, p-pardon the pun, is Sirius Black.”

Hearing that, Sylvia blushed mightily. “Oh. I sssee. Your human language essscapes me at timesss.”

“And even more importantly,” Lavender hastily added. “She’s in love with Professor Lupin!” 

Yunyun and Lavender both let out little squeals, while Tom and Hagrid looked baffled and slightly taken aback. 

“Er, isn’t the more pressing issue that someone is out to take our lives?” Tom asked. He pulled out a rolled up sheet of parchment, unfurling it on the table. “I did some quick planning, and I’ve come up with several cunning plans to track down Sirius Black, and then dispatch him in some truly gruesome ways, to communicate to our enemies that none may threaten our precious Yunyun!” 

“Um, t-that’s nice, Tom, b-but we can worry about finding a p-pike to put Sirius Black’s head on later,” Yunyun offered, which caused Blackie to sneeze and start to reevaluate some of his life decisions. “N-no, what we need to do is to help Ms. T-Tonks with her patrols so she has more free time, and-”

“SET HER AND PROFESSOR LUPIN UP ON A DATE!” Luna and Lavender shrieked together, clasping hands and grinning from ear to ear. 

Hagrid shot a look at Sylvia, then leaned in close. “Er, should we really be lettin’ the students try to set their professors up on a date? Doesn’t seem professional, yeh know.”

“We are sssworn to aid Yunyun. Besssides, thisss will keep the children dissstracted while you and I find a way to keep them sssafe and ssstop thisss Serious Sirius problem. Ow! Do not nip me, cur, or I shall turn you to ssstone and devour you!” Sylvia snapped at the rapidly retreating Blackie. 

“So, the most important thing to do is to obviously find out what sort of music they both like, then to teach Professor Lupin and Tonks to dance!” Lavender was saying eagerly. “That’s the best way for a couple to fall in love!” 

“No, no, we have to engineer a rainstorm, then force them to take shelter at a small abbey or church together. They would see a statue of the Goddess Aqua, and know that their love is a sacred and pure thing! After all, Axis Shrines are always infested with Nargles, it’s just obvious,” Luna argued. 

“I-I was thinking we should j-just get them to h-have a meal together at Madam Puddifoot's, b-by mixing up some invitations to think they’re j-just eating a meal with a friend, o-only for it to turn into a romantic date!” Yunyun said eagerly.

“Couldn’t we get them to go on an epic quest together and slay many foes at each other’s side? That’s sure to form strong bonds,” Tom pointed out.

Lavender and Luna shot Tom disgusted looks, but Yunyun nodded thoughtfully. “T-that’s not a bad idea. They could go on long patrols together a-and face many vicious monsters. The shared danger and v-victory could b-burgeon into feelings of true love…”

As the teens continued to discuss their increasingly convoluted and insane planes for helping the two people who were already in love and dating get together, Blackie grinned wolfishly. This was going to be amazing. It was almost worth having to hear all those overwrought puns to get to be a part of this. 

If Lupin and Tonks didn’t die of sheer embarrassment, they’d be married by the end of the term. 

Meanwhile, Tonks was still laid up in the infirmary, shivering and coming down from several straight weeks of living off of caffeine and Invigorating Draughts. Her mind felt fuzzy and her body like she’d been dipped in ice, and her hair kept changing colors while her nose shrank and grew outrageously. 

Just as she was considering drinking another draught just to help her think straight, there was a cough and the curtain near her bed fluttered. “Knock, knock,” Lupin’s voice said politely. 

Tonks let out a gasp and sat bolt upright, pulling the sheet up to her chin. She was already dressed in a very modest nightgown, but she was still flushing terribly. “Um, I-I’m not in a fit state to be seen, I’m supposed to be sleeping, um, come back later!”

Then she tried to jerk the curtain closed further, only to overreach and go tumbling out of her bed with a squawk, still holding on to the fabric and yanking down the curtain and the stand with a great clatter to reveal a stunned Lupin standing there with a vase of fresh flowers and a container of hot soup. 

“Er, um, hello,” Tonks said, waving meekly and trying to get to her feet in the tangle of bedsheets. 

“Hello,” Lupin said somewhat bemusedly. He set the soup and vase aside, helping Tonks to disentangle herself and get her back on her cot, before putting the curtain and stand back to rights with a quick wave of his wand. 

“Sorry, you know me, I’m terribly clumsy,” Tonks said sheepishly, fussing with the sheets and casting nervous glances at Lupin. 

“Charmingly so,” Lupin assured her, reaching out of the curtain to retrieve his vase and soup. He regarded Tonks for a moment, then grinned mischievously. “I was going to give you this vase, but I have a feeling you’d just drop it and break it. I’m not so sure about the soup now, either.”

“Prick,” Tonks muttered, covering her face with the sheet for a moment, then slowly lowering it and grinning foolishly at Lupin. “What, are you going to feed me or something?”

To her horror and delight, Lupin seemed to give that serious thought. Finally, he shook his head. “I suppose you can be trusted to feed yourself, you are a grown woman after all.”

“And don’t you bloody well forget it,” Tonks sniffed, but gratefully accepted the soup. She took the lid off, smelling it and letting out a happy sigh. “Madam Rosemerta’s French onion soup! Oh, and it’s still fresh and warm!” she gratefully dug in, blissfully taking several large bites.

Then, a mischievous gleam entered her own eye, and she held up a spoonful of soup to Lupin. “Would you like a taste?” she asked innocently.

Lupin blushed at that, but to her shock and delight, he bent down and actually slurped the entire bit up. “Ah, lovely. I was driving myself mad bringing it over here, the smell was wonderful.”

“Don’t let Madam Pomfrey catch you doing that,” Tonks giggled, feeling her face go beet red. And not in the metaphorical sense, she had to very carefully turn her whole body back from a deep red to a more normal human color. “She’d say it wasn’t hygienic.”

“I think we’ve swapped enough spit that the question is somewhat irrelevant,” Lupin said stoically, just as Tonks took another bite. Which, of course, she half sprayed all over her bedsheets. 

Lupin quickly vanished the mess, even as Tonks snorted and laughed. “You did that on purpose!” 

“Quite possibly,” Lupin allowed, winking at her. 

“Cheeky blighter, aren’t you?” Tonks laughed. She took another bite of soup, then offered Lupin another, which he took. “It is good soup though, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I was worried, you know. Sirius said you’d been running yourself ragged, always out on patrol with him.”

Tonks had been just about to take another bite of soup, then ran what Lupin had just said back in her head. “Say that again…one more time?”

“I said Blackie said you’d been running yourself ragged, always out on patrol again looking for Sirius,” Lupin said, going red in the face himself and giving her a sheepish grin. 

“Uh-huh. You can talk to dogs now?” Tonks said flatly. 

“...yes? Werewolf power?” Lupin offered. 

“Mmmm,” Tonks mused, taking another bite of soup. Well, her wits were scattered, and really that was just an odd malapropism. She looked down at her bowl, then back to Lupin. “You were close to Sirius Black, weren’t you? What was he like? How do you feel about hunting him down like this?”

Lupin looked away, appearing guilty. He fidgeted for a moment, then said, “The man I knew would probably find this entire situation hilarious. He was doggedly loyal, and I could never have imagined him turning on James and Lily like that.”

But he did,” Tonks prompted. 

“So it seems,” Lupin said with a heavy sigh. He looked at Tonks for a moment, then said, “He’s your cousin. How do you feel about hunting him down?”

“Remus, he’s a pureblood, and my mother’s maiden name was Black. Half of bloody magical Britain is related to me somehow. Hell, we’re something like fifth cousins ourselves.”

That took Remus aback. “Seriously?”

“No, he’s my second cousin,” Tonks said cheekily. 

“You know what I meant,” Lupin said with a groan. He looked worried, then asked, “Does, er, that change…?”

“If I was adverse to dating my fifth cousin I’d have to find a bloody muggle to date and pray he wasn’t related to my dad,” Tonks said with a shrug. “Most people wouldn’t even call their fifth cousin related. We share a great-great-great-great grandmother. You have to go awfully far back on the family tree for that one. Only reason I know is mum and the rest of the pure bloods are nutters about that stuff.” She considered a moment, then added, “Probably so they don’t get too inbred. But your mother was a muggle and my dad’s a muggle-born so we don’t really have to worry about that.”

“That’s…good?” Lupin said, not sure how to feel about that.

“If it makes you feel any better, Sirius is actually your fourth cousin, so you’re more closely related to him,” Tonks said. 

“Thanks, but I never actually considered snogging Sirius, no matter what the rumors say,” Lupin told Tonks, who was very grateful she didn’t have any soup in her mouth at that moment, because she would have sprayed it everywhere. 

And so, whether they wanted it or not, Tonks and Lupin found themselves on the cusp of a grand romantic comedy. 

Truly, this school had gone to the dogs.