A Frog's Blessing in this Wonderful Galaxy: Chapter 1 (Patreon)

A Lovely Tour

Sleep would be but a brief respite for him as he felt himself stir awake. As he laid there against the cold and strangely soft ground, groaning as a deep seated weariness spread over his body, he wondered if it was all just a dream. Maybe he had just vividly dreamt the whole thing after forcing his body to swim that hard. After all, it’s been ages since he last swam and he had swam as hard as his legs could handle.

“Wake up!”

Yes, He’s probably in his hotel room, having passed out from the excitement of yesterday. Surely he wouldn’t have fallen through a portal and found himself in the void of space with nothing but a black hole as his island? It was simply too fantastical given what he had experienced afterwards. The lights, the creature from the void, the portal to a whole other realm, and those four? Surely it was just all a dream yet a small seed of doubt wormed its way into his mind.

“Wake up!”

For a moment, he paused. There was that voice again. He was pretty sure he came alone on the trip. He shouldn’t have anyone else in his room right? He wasn’t the type to invite someone over after all, especially how the voice sounded like that of a young man.

“Wake up!”

Hearing their call, fear started to grip his heart. Who was that? What if he wasn’t in his room anymore? What if it wasn’t a dream? What if it was all real?

Shaking his head, he scrunched his eyes close as he buried his face on the soft ground. Maybe if he doesn’t open his eyes, he won't see the truth! Yes, indeed, he could just stay there but he could feel nature calling and his stomach was rumbling. There was also that sharp pain in his ass, like a bruise in one of the cheeks that needed attention. He needed to get up and he wouldn’t be given a chance as he suddenly felt something slam into his closed eyes.

“Wake up!”

“Gah!?” He flailed about, clutching his eyes as he jumped to his feet. Rubbing his eyes, he shook his head, doing his best to clear his eyes. As the pain subsided, he finally got to see his surroundings and he could only fall down to his knees. He was not in the seaside hotel room he rented in Honolulu, instead, he’d found himself inside a tunnel amidst a turbulent psychedelic sea.

Looking down to his trembling hands, he found not the limbs of a man but the thin limbs of some amphibian.“Oh god, it wasn’t a dream,” He whispered in horror as he covered his face, feeling the changes that had happened to his body.

It was only now that he truly grasped the gravity of his situation, of how he had been twisted into a new form and all he could do was despair, “No, no, no…”

Clenching his fist, he then punched himself, snapping him out of the doom spiral he found himself in. “No! Bad Kermit, don’t panic!” He told himself as he slapped himself in the cheeks, scolding himself, “Ok! Don’t panic, panicking won’t get you anywhere.”

“Hey!”

A tiny voice would call out, making his whirl around to find a familiar dot of light greeting him. “Red! Oh thank god you're here,” He sighed out in relief before terror filled his veins once more. “Wait, Where are the rest of you?!” His stars, his guidings lights, were not on his person.

His panic would be short-lived as Red suddenly swooped up before slamming down on his head, forcing him to look down and there he would find his lights on the ground. Strewn across the strange semi transparent ground, “Oh thank heavens,” He whispered as he reached out, grabbing them.

As if they were stirred awake, all of them flowed up to his hands, orbiting themselves around him as before. It was strange that he found comfort in their lights. Maybe it was their soft glow or maybe it was because he knew they were alive but one thing was clear at the very least, they were the only semblance of sanity he found in this strange realm. “I’ll never lose you guys again,” he told them.

“Hey!”

The voice would call out again, slapping him across the cheeks again. “Damn it, stop!” He told Red as it pushed against his face. He resisted at first as he was still checking on his collection of light but Red was quite insistent. Sighing, he relented, turning to where Red was pushing him just briefly before returning back to the others, “Ok, ok, I’ll take a look,” What he’d see soon after made him quickly reconsider.

There on the ground was a rusted bird cage with the largest light he had yet seen trapped inside. What’s worse was the light from the being was fading, pulsing weakly as if gasping for air. “Shit, Fuck!” he cursed as he rushed to the cage.

He grabbed the cage, heedless of the danger that jagged and rusted metal bars brought. It stung his hands but he pushed through, pulling it apart with surprising ease. Prying the bars open, he then reached out and slowly pulled out the light within, “Don’t worry buddy, Kermit’s gotcha.”

As he pulled them close to his chest, he realized that the light he pulled up wasn’t just some shapeless blob but one in the shape of a small, hand-sized woman. Curled into a ball and shaking terribly, the fairy looked terrible. She looked green around the gills, somewhat literally at that with her green complexion, and terribly hot to the touch.

“What the hell happened to you?” He asked as he held her. “Well, whatever it was, I need to get you somewhere safe!” He then said as he looked around and wondered where he was going to go now.

The man(?) The sized tunnel was just big enough to allow him to walk about comfortably even if he had someone else walking by his side. Looking further ahead, he’d see the long winding path was lined with various branching paths of different sizes. Some were no smaller than a pin prick while others were just as big as his head. It was a confusing labyrinthian mess and he was in the center of it all.

“Hey!”

“Oh right, Red!” He whirled around as the light bobbed up and down ahead of him, “What is it?”

He wasn’t quite sure what they wanted to do but with how they were heading down one of the paths and coming back to him, they might know a way? “Wait, you know your way around here?” he asked.

Red would warble about, almost looking like it was saying that they knew it… mostly. “Well considering that I don’t even know where the hell I am, might as well!” He shrugged as he followed along, eliciting a tinkling cry of relief and excitement from Red.

Shaking his head, he then said “This is going to be one confusing game of charades considering your body is just a blob…?” Peering closer, he found that they were not just a shapeless blob like the fairy he held but that of a floating, one eyed, almost featureless head of a man, “Well, all head but we’re going to work something out right?”

“Hey!”

“That’s the spirit Red,” He chuckled, feeling his spirit lifted. Things weren’t looking so bleak now that he had people with him. “You, Me, and Lady over here, We’ll get through this! All of us,” He promised them as he marched along, hoping to find something or someplace to rest because the Little Lady wasn’t looking too hot right now.

-x-x-x

It was strange that no matter how far they had walked, he wasn’t getting tired. Yes, his stomach was quite empty and he was feeling parched but it wasn’t all too bad. It felt like they had walked an eternity but such was the case when the path they traveled through was some desolate, featureless tunnel. Maybe it was just his mind playing tricks.

Looking up to the semi transparent ceiling, he wondered what was out there. He could see shapes, like small schools of fishes, swimming by the strange rainbow sea. There were some big ones, almost the size of those four, but they didn’t bother him. It was as if the walls themselves kept him from being seen. Not wanting to press his luck, he ignored them just as they ignored him.

Of course, it wasn’t all boring as from time to time, he’d see some strange rainbow star poke out of the holes before shrieking out and jumping back in. Where did those lights come from? They certainly don’t look native in the sea seeing some of the lights out there get gobbled up by those dirty shapes swimming about.

Looking back to Red, they were certainly looking a bit shaky. “Hey Red!” he called out, making the little light jump in surprise, “Do you know where we are?” He then asked.

He was met with silence and frantic flight before he clarified, “No, not where we are right now but this place is called. This thing doesn’t look like it’s natural,” It certainly wasn’t in his eyes at least. It felt like the whole place was a corridor carved into the very sea itself, “It's strange you know, it feels like this place was built for me in mind…” he mused.

This seems to be a surprise for Red as it zipped back to him and started measuring him of all things. They would then measure the width and height of the tunnel, exclaiming in intrigue, “Hey!”

“Maybe there’s more of me around?” He said out loud. Maybe it was just a desperate hope on his part but he shouldn’t be alone right? It would be strange if he’s the only one normal sized here especially how vast and labyrinthian this place was.  ‘

Red’s light seemed to dim for a bit before they started vibrating, intensifying in brightness as they forced out two wounds, “Web! Way!”

It took him but surprise but it was a welcome one as he reached out and gave them a pat on the head, “Hey, you’re getting better at this,” He praised them, making them hiss and let out angry noises which was more of an adorable sight than anything. Chuckling, he shocked his head. He continued walking, not minding the fairy as they kept sneezing. At least they were not as hot as before and their glow was far brighter now.

“The Webway?” He said out in wonder as he found the path widening before him as the numbers of pockmarks on the wall grew, “Huh, that certainly doesn’t bode well. It feels like it’s going to take us forever to get wherever you’re taking me!” he exclaimed as his voice echoed through the hallway.

“Come on universe! Give me a bone here!” He shouted, feeling frustrated at the lack of progress made. “Give me something, anything! A way back to the beach would be nice!” he hollered only to cry out in surprise as one of the holes to the side lit up.

“Hey!”

Shielding his little companion and red with his body, he looked back at the glowing portal in fear. His companion however was not so afraid as it danced around in excitement, letting out whoops and whistles of happiness. Curiosity soon overcame his apprehension as he slowly inch towards the light, wondering what got his companion so excited.

“Hey… what’s that?” He asked as he got closer to the portal. Inside the fist sized hole was what he thought was blue skies. His suspicions would be proven correct as he saw thick fluffy clouds and the tiniest birds crying from beyond. Excitement filled his body as he rushed forward towards the sounds of crashing wave but what greeted him on the other side was not what he expected

“Wait, what?”

-x-x-x-

“Wait, what?” That was the thought that filled a lone man as he stared up to the heavens and found the eye of a great xenos… frog staring back at him from beyond the clouds.

In all his time as a Commissar and beyond his career as one, Ciaphas Cain has never seen such an absurd sight. He had fought xenos of all kinds and daemons beyond imagining but to see such a massive one staring at him through a tear in time and space was not something he’d expect on a lazy afternoon day in his twilight years. Briefly, he looked down at his Pina Colada and wondered if the Amasec he used had gone off before he looked back up.

No, the frog was still there and he was definitely sure hadn’t drank enough to start hallucinating. Slowly the giant pulled back revealing a strange amphibian face and a sickly eldar, one that was dwarfed by the giant, held in their clutch. For a moment, he thought this was the end, as the giant’s hands raised up. Flinching, he raised his arms, braising for the inevitable. Fear gripped his heart as his life flashed across his eyes.

So this was it, this was how his journey was going to end. He had run and bullshitted his way through success after success, dreading that one day his own lies would catch up to him. He expected it during his first fight, he had expected his end in all the other’s until he believed that he had gotten away from it all unscathed but his hubris would be his undoing.

Having faked his own death and using the many connections he made, he had hidden away, wasting away in a paradise world with his lover, his sweet Amberly, so that he might fade into obscurity so the madness could finally stop. It was paradise here, an idyllic and boring one just like how he liked it, but not all good things last.

Now, it ends. Ciaphas Cain to be squashed like the bug he was but was this how he was going to face his death? Was he just going to cower like a coward? No… maybe he, the great hero of the Imperium, should perform one last lie.

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, he composed himself as he breathed out. Straightening his stance to one more fitting of one of the highest decorated veterans in the Imperium, he decided to face death with dignity. Standing in attention with his drinks in his hand and a shaky, yet charming smile across his face, he looked back at the giants eyes… and found them waving at him with a rather friendly smile in return.

“Hello!” The strange being greeted with a voice that was loud enough and clear enough that he’d have no difficulty hearing them anywhere on this planet but not so loud as to flatten everything.

Gathering his wits and snapping himself out of the surprise, he puffed his chest as he greeted back, “Ho there strange xenos! You seem rather lost. Don’t you know this is Imperium space?” He kept his confident smile, refusing to show any sign of weakness. He was currently unarmed as his bolter was inside his hut, something his mentor would have been screaming at him for, what was a commissar without their weapon? He needed to get this Xenos away at any cost.

“Oh, is this where it is?” The green giant replied as a look of relief washed over them. Throwing their free hands up in the air, they then whooped in joy, “Thank god, civilization!”

Taken aback by the strange xeno’s reaction, he cautioned out, “You… seem lost?” This might just be the strangest reason why they were here but it’s not out of the question. Everyone makes mistakes and this in one particular might have just taken a wrong turn. He can work with this.

Rubbing the back of his head, he chuckled, “Yeah, long story bud but I’m in kinda of a pickle here,” Raising the woman in his arms, the xenos then asked, “Do you know of any hospitals around here? She really needs some help.”

Looking at the woman, he couldn’t help but wince. The Aeldari looked like she had just been pulled out of the swamps of the rotten grandfather. She looked deathly pale and looked like she was already one step through death's door.

Sighing, the poor xenos explained, “Found her in this rusted cage of all things. Don’t want her catching tetanus cause looking at it almost gave me one!” That… did not bode well. He had dealt with the Aeldari kind long enough that the forces of chaos would go to great lengths capturing one and she might have just encountered the second worst bunch of the lot.

Scratching his head, he replied, “Unfortunately… we only have human Medicae’s here and those that knows Aeldar Biology…” She was in need of urgent care no doubt but a plague is not something this world could handle, Even then, the people that could potentially help her would not be so kind. “

But fret not my friend but I’m sure you’d find somewhere else!” he then said, hoping that they go away now. They meant no harm but harm will come to them if they stayed and that does not sound good given that the xenos was… well, a giant frog in the sky.

“Damn it,” The Xeno’s cursed, their shoulders sagging before they perked up a strangely familiar bodiless head floated beside them. He refused to look at their direction, hoping to preserve what little sanity he had left.

“Wait, what’s that Red? Ask the man where to go on the Webway?” The xenos told the head before they frowned as the two started arguing,  “Wait, weren’t you guiding me? Oh don’t sass me you little shit!”

“Did you just say you’re in the Webway?” He asked in surprise. There was an Aeldari Webway Portal here of all things? Frowning, he realized the folly of that question. Of course there was one here since this was his chosen retirement plan! The question now is why was a giant anthropomorphic frog talking to him from the web way and how?

It’s not like they can open one at any point in space. There’s specific portals from what he remembers. Could this be one of those elaborate Aeldari plots? One made specifically to mess with him?

“Wait, you know the Webway?” They asked before glaring at their mysterious and definitely not cyclopean companion.  “Finally, someone that I can ask directions too unlike a certain someone!”

“Sure…?” He replied. Admittedly, he really doesn't know much about the mysterious webway that the Aeldari used but considering they pop out just about everywhere, it’s best to assume that there’s one in just about every corner.

“I think the nearest Aeldari Craftworld should be… huh,” He racked his brain on any location he was sure there were Aeldari off and unfortunately, he didn’t have to think for too long. “Well, you're in luck my friend! There should be a nearby Aeldari settlement nearby. Just head to… that direction and you’ll find Craftworld Ulthaine,” he then told them as he pointed at a spot in the sky where they should be if his star map knowledge was still up to date. It was decades old information but that should be a good direction to follow.

The xenos turned around before blinking. “Oh huh, I didn't notice that path before but thanks for the tip! Sorry to bother you and all so I should go away now,” He then said as he turned around and thanked him. Smiling at him, the strangely peaceful xenos then asked, “And oh by the way, before I forgot, what’s your name? My ma called me Kermit.“

Kermit… What a strange name but one that he’d remember given how he had just averted disaster without even raising a single finger! That was quite the improvement he had to say. Maybe he could write another book but that’s for future him to worry about. Puffing his chest, he then replied, “Cain, Caiphas Cain!”

He let his name be known despite the danger of him being exposed to the dangers of returning back to service. It's not like his name would mean much to a Xenos like him.

“Sick name dude!” The xenos then complimented. He wasn’t sure why his name was sick but it’s probably a slang from the xenos strange tongue. This reminds him, how could he understand them? Looking at their lips, they do not look like they were speaking High Gothic. Were they speaking directly to his mind? “Definitely going to pay you back one day! I uhh… don’t have anything on me,” the xenos promised

“It’s not a problem?” He replied, not really expecting much from it. It’s not like they could give him something of value. Still, a favor was a favor so might as well but what would be better if they just go away. His smile was feeling strained as is and he really wanted to get back to laying down. His back was not as good as it once was.

Scratching the back of his head, the giant frog then asked, “Also… this might be a bit much but can I have that Sandwich over there?” before they pointed at the half forgotten meal he had. He was going to eat that before they disturbed his meal, “Haven’t eaten anything since I got here.”

Shrugging, he replied, “I’m not sure how that’ll wor-! Nevermind,” only to back away as the hand reached out, shrinking as it got nearer to the sandwich. It was as if he was in some forced perspective painting and he was inside it. The hand not only grew back as it was pulled up to the sky, so did that sandwich, growing to a size that would dwarf a moon by his very own estimate.

“‘I’m really sorry! I’ll really pay you back one day!” The xenos shouted as they pulled away with the portal closing behind them. Finally, they left, earning a sigh of relief for them.

As he looked up at the spot in the sky where they once stood, his mind wandered,“That Sandwich could have fed an entire sector…” Just one sandwich was all he needed and he could feed so many people. Maybe he could ask for them to supersize a sandwich for him as a payment but that would mean asking them back.

Shaking his head, he decided to just forget all about it as he returned back to his chair. His skin wasn’t going to get itself tanned on its own after all! Just as he was about to lay back down, his lover would come running from forest cover with lasgun in hand.

“Cain! Cain!” his sweet Amberly shouted as she crashed into him and pulled him tightly for a hug, “Oh thank the Emperor you’re alright!” Turning to the sky, he then told him, “I already called the PDF over, I’m not sure if they’ll help but we can still mount a defense once the giant Xenos comes back.”

“Now now Amberly,” He replied with a soft chuckle. Gently stroking her silver mane, he reassured her, “Do you really think something like that would put me down? I’m Ciaphas Cain after all,” Her presence was all he needed to calm his heart for how he could not but feel for his breath was taken away every time he gazed at her. Despite the wrinkles in her features, she was still as lovely as ever.

“Worry not my love, I’ve already sent the monster away to the foul Aelderi’s way,” He replied. Kermit was their problem now. “In fact, I’m pretty sure I sent… them…” he then said before trailing off as he remembered where exactly he pointed them at. “Ohh fuck,”

He pulled away from this grasp as he clutched his head, panic quickly overwhelming. “Oh fuck! Why the hell did I send them there! There’s dozens of other sightings but why there!” He cursed out as he paced around, wondering what he should do. He fucked up, he fucked up worse than any other fuck up in his long and lie filled career.

“Cain?” Amberly asked as she walked up to him, arms crossed across her chest, “What the fuck did you do!”

Wincing at her tone, he slowly turned around as he told her, “I may or may not have sent them in the general direction of Cadia,” He had just sent a giant unknown Xenos directly to the gates of Cadia and this was all his fault. He needed to fix this and he needed to fix this fast. “Honey, pack your bags and give me back my coat. I’m coming out of retirement!”

“You better because I swear if as much as a single stone in Cadia breaks, I’m going to break your back!” His wife threatened him, forcing him to his feet as they made a run for their hut. He made a giant mess but this time around, he’s going to set things right. He might be no true hero but someone has to warn everyone.

-x-x-x-

“What a nice man, that Cain guy,” Kermit said to his companion while he chewed on much needed food. He had been walking on an empty stomach all this time and he needed something, anything to get him going. It just so happens that he somehow stumbled upon that man and not only did they actually know the way around, but they also had a Sandwich and it was the tastiest piece of meat, vegetables and sauce in between two slices of bread he’d tasted.

Unfortunately, while the portal led to a beach of all places, it simply wasn’t big enough for him and the man did look terrified just seeing him. Atleast he knew that there were still humans around, even if he didn’t look human anymore, and that they still had the same food he enjoyed. Biting down on the sandwich, he unashamedly moaned out.

He didn’t know what it was in that bread but the meat tasted like chicken if it had the flavor profile of Beef. Just meaty goodness with the texture of chicken. He wanted more but he also had two companions to feed as well. Offering two thirds of the sandwich to the fairy, he told her, “Hey, wake up. Got some food. Should help with the sniffles.” Soups would have been better but beggars can’t be chooser.

Slowly, they stirred awake, smiling up at him shakily as he coughed. She was roughed up but she was gaining more of a healthier complexion. Maybe he didn’t even need to bring her to this “Craftworld Ulthaine” but better be safe than sorry. Watching her nibble on the sandwich, he’d laugh as the tiny woman made all sorts of weird and strange faces yet she powered through, “Take your time, it ain’t going anywhere.” he reminded as he chuckled. It was a bit tangy and heavy on the spices but it was not that strong right?

Shaking his head, he then turned towards Red. Seeing them sulk from not knowing where they were at least made up for the headache they caused if they had just warned them they didn’t know where to go. Was it really that hard for them to admit they were wrong? Still, they were just trying their best so he couldn’t hold that against them. Calling out to them, he then asked, “Hey, want a bite?”

Red turned towards them slowly, still looking a bit apprehensive from the looks of it. “Oh come on, do you really think I’ll stay mad? Come here you!” He laughed as he reached out and ruffled their fuzzy top. Their protest only made them all the more adorable as they hiss and spit at them. “Alright, alright, I won’t give you headpats… for now,” he then said.

Red would let out a huff of indignation as they turned around, refusing to meet their gaze. Truly, they were too cute for their own good.

Turning back his attention to the path ahead, he could see that the same swirling entrance he slammed into when he fled from that void creature yesterday. It was certainly a pretty sight. Maybe that’s why this Craftworld was near it. Probably enjoying the view and everything. Now, if only he could get there faster.

Humming, he thought back to the earlier experience he had. Just when he had that emotional outburst, a portal of all things opened up but that couldn’t be the case right? It shouldn’t be possible that he could just do something and the world would follow but stranger things had happened. Maybe this is how the world works here?

“Hey Red,” He called out before asking hesitantly, unsure if he’d sound crazy, “Did… I do that? The portal thingy?”

Surprisingly, his companion would chime in agreement, “Hey!”

“Really? Huh… this could be useful,” He replied. If he could just will himself to get to his destination, he’d no longer have to deal with all the walking. He might not tire but his feet are certainly killing him now and it doesn’t help that he has this strong pain in his ass. Maybe he pulled a muscle? Well, whatever it is, he needed a place so he could sit down and getting to this Ulthaine sounds like the best way to do so. He just needed to recreate that one instant earlier.

“Ok, what the hell did I do,” he asked himself as he closed his eyes. He briefly remembered that feeling, that explosive and energetic shout he made just before that portal opened. There was that feeling, that need or rather the will to just have it happened.

“Craftworld Ulthaine!” He shouted, trying to think about the place but it wasn’t clicking. Maybe he needed to visualize it as well? “Um, Hospital! House!” he shouted a few more times but he was getting nowhere. He’d try several more but they were just as unsuccessful as the last which just left him all frustrated, “Damn it!”

Shaking his head, he shouted, “Is it really that Universe? Just open me a portal to a goddamn City-!” Which was when the universe thought it would be a funny idea to open a portal directly below him. He screamed as he fell down a large cavern in another part of the webway. It would have been fine if not for the spikes down below.

With no time to think, he turned around and screwed his eyes shut as he braced himself for impact. Shielding his companion with his body, he crashed hard against the dark jagged surface. Thankfully, his skin was tougher than it looked as he felt the spikes break against his body but that didn’t not help him when he finally hit the ground.

“Oof!” he breathed out as the crash knocked the wind out of him. Tucking himself into a protective ball, he tumbled around, crashing every which way before he finally came to a stop.

Wincing, he slowly uncurled himself before laying flat on his back, groaning at all the jagged bits poking his back. As he opened his eyes however, things would take a strange turn. “What the hell…” he whispered as he stared back at the surprised face of the tiniest human he ever saw right before his eyes. Behind them, was the hall of a half destroyed colosseum that was far more fit for ants. Did… did he just land himself in Lilliput?

A/N:

Ok, that's 2 of the commissions down and four more to go. For now though, I'm going to focus on the winner of the polls so there would at least be two more chapters of voted stuff before I go deal with that third commission.