BLOG: Love letters (Patreon)

A former lover has been writing me love letters everyday. Words used to be the way to my heart. My baby daddy used to write them. My young novice heart would pit patter receiving an email from him. He didn’t write in rhymes like this current former lover. He reserved those for records (yes he’s a rapper, but most of y’all know that by now).

I don’t care for words much anymore. Action is the way to my heart. However, my heart is temporarily closed until further notice. I know too much now. This journey in Podcasting has made me too accountable and I’m too sure that I haven’t yet met my partner in love. I’m also not convinced that love is forever. That my partner in love will be forever. Call me a pessimist or a realist. Maybe my feelings will change when I meet that person.

My former lover sends me old sex videos of him adoring me. To tempt me. For a second I am but I know that there is something ingrained inside me that rarely allows me to go back. I know that most women struggle with this and I understand it but my soul mostly won’t let me. His sex was incredible. He did adore me and still does. I’m flattered. Tempted. But I can’t. I’m afraid that going backwards doesn’t allow space for what’s to come. I know that there is so much to come. I have manifested so much and must let the universe do that for me. What I haven’t done is manifest a man since my last boyfriend. I’m scared to. I don’t think I’m ready and I’m also scared that I’ll miss something on the list. I got everything I asked for in my last partner. Everything on that list. But again, I wasn’t specific enough. For example, I asked for a man while a child. He has a child but is in a battle with his BM for visitation and hasn’t seen him in a long time. That’s what I mean when I say specific. I should have written “has a close relationship with his child”. It’s things like this that make me a little nervous to manifest my man. I also can’t sleep until I’m financially free. Free of needing my baby daddy for anything and relying on anyone for monetary support. I hate the feeling of needing it. I filed for child support and I hate that I had to. I know that it’s important and my right to, but I hate it and all the emotions that have come with it from both sides.

Anyway,

Love letters are nice. I’m sure one day I’ll appreciate them again. Until then it’s all about that action baby.

Me, I am that action.

-E

P.s.

Attached is part of my MAN-infestation journal entry I made in August of 2019 in case you need some inspo 💖