It worries me and I would like to speak out, maybe I will feel better (Patreon)

Yes, I need to speak out, but I thought for a long time about whether to write about it. I’ll probably warn you right away, here I’ll talk about how bad I feel (yes, I’ll whine again). Yes, it just so happens that I write when I feel bad. When I feel good, I make a video. I did not upload a video talking about how bad I feel, so I think that I have the right to write about something.

It is very difficult to group my thoughts into a text. A year ago, all I wanted to do was move out of the house to travel more, but now... The problem is that I can't feel safe and I'm constantly chasing money. That money I need in order to simply survive because the prices here are not the same as in Ukraine. I try to shoot more, edit more, and find new and interesting places. And everyone will say “but you don’t have much and the video has been released lately”, but no one will take into account external problems (health/documents / psychological state). I think you can see from my editing that I'm working really hard on it, trying to perfect my videos. But this caused me to burn out. I think sooner or later it would have happened.

I tried to solve this problem with a psychologist, but it did not help. We come to a logical dead end and do not understand where to go next. I decided to take a vacation from work for myself, thinking maybe I would get better. And left. But at the same time filming everything on the second channel. Why can't I stop? And because earnings are critically falling. I can't afford to work, because I need to live on something. If only I had a safe place where I could just breathe and relax, play a game console, watch a movie, or just spend the whole day in bed. But instead, I need to think about where to go next and what to shoot. Yes, I've wanted this so badly for almost my entire life, but now with so much stress, I just want to shut myself off from everything and everyone. I stopped being sociable to people. I just don't have enough energy for it. It is very difficult for me to communicate with anyone. Be it a stranger to me or someone from my family.

A few days ago I was wondering what could help me now, what would make me happy. And I can't answer this question. As soon as I got out of Ukraine, I felt happy when I financially and morally supported my family, and after that, it began to result in difficulty. Everyone understands that I also have problems, but the understanding that they have more serious problems just drowned out mine. It became more and more difficult not for them, but for me. From this, I accumulated my current depression. And in order not to unleash a conflict, I outlined the framework. Now everyone is doing well. Mother and brother found a safe place, they have a place to live and what to eat. My father does his work in Ukraine, and both grandmothers receive money from me for food. I understand that I can't solve my problems when it is necessary to solve the problems of my relatives.

I feel like I need to learn how to live again. I tried to somehow lighten my load, but it only gave me unnecessary problems. And now I'm getting more and more depressed. I stopped doing my favorite thing because I don’t want to pretend to show how much I like what I do now. But I can’t stop it either, because it has a very strong effect on my earnings. I don't have that money cushion where I can just give myself time. Because when I give myself time, I still think about work, because what kind of rest are we talking about. For almost the entire vacation, I forced myself to either film or edit, in order to post at least something at some time. Even on my vacation, I started writing this and wondered if it was necessary at all. But when I asked, I got only the answer “of course”, but it is very difficult for me to talk about it. I'm not just complaining, but trying to show that I'm changing dramatically. And apparently not in a good way. For you, this is another video, but for me, this is at least some kind of income and the arrival of new people on Patreon.

I want to express my deep gratitude to all the people here. You give me the opportunity to eat and film new videos. I don't know how to express this gratitude, but I try my best to do something.

I don’t know who will be interested in this, but for me it is important. If you want to see only one positive, then it's better to watch my videos, where I show only the good moments of my life, but I'm like any other person with my own problems.