DCMAGR | Chapter. 40: Sweet Goodbyes (Patreon)

I groggily awoke, feeling completely relaxed. My hand wandered to my side where it encountered a warm object. Huh? I rubbed my eyes with confusion trying to clear my vision. It was a pitch-black rod, its length ran through the bed and it vibrated?

It took me a few seconds, but eventually I realized it was my scythe. I had fallen to sleep with my scythe as if it was some sort of thing to hug. It was normal for a Grim reaper to sleep with their scythe, right? I shook my head, that wasn’t particularly important. But. What was important even?

I looked around the room, and sensed my surroundings. It was deadly quiet, only the noise of the void was present and the faint rustling of the bed caused by my movements. I didn’t have anything to do for now. I could just… relax. I yawned and moved myself out of bed, and the first thing I did was head for the bathroom, not before tentatively staring at my scythe.

Should I? I shook my head and simply went to shower.

◇ ◇ ◇

Warmth perviated my body, the little tendrils of the towel brushed against my skin causing goosebumps. It took a few minutes but I was dry, the process was slow but pleasant. I wrapped the towel around my head and went to bed with my scythe. It was still warm and it was happy to see me. Its happiness caused me to smile involuntarily, and I couldn’t help but lay next to it on bed and hug it more.

It was weird to do so, but eventually I got carried away and laid in bed for the rest of the morning. My scythe included of course.

◇ ◇ ◇

Bliss. I smiled to myself as I finally got up, my limbs had gone slightly stiff. Something I did not realize till my ankle unleashed a mighty creak from flexing it. I rubbed my face feeling the serenity around me and decided on what I could do for the rest of the day.

Watch TV? I had done that yesterday, so that left me with going to the park and searching for the Old man? That sounded nice. Part of me felt guilty about seeking him out, but at the same time I still had the lingering problems from the day before. I was unclear about everything, but it no longer stressed me. Rather I simply had come to accept it.

Nonetheless I still wanted to be heard and tell him my struggle.

After making up my mind I got dressed, it was full black this time, but I did not tie my hair. I simply let it flow for the first time in a while. It tickled the back of my neck, but it was a liberating feeling. I made sure to check I had a phone battery, keys, and wallet, before heading out. I paused at the door recalling my scythe was still in my room.

I could just… I shook my head. No teleporting, but I did go back to fetch it. I did not want to unsummon it, but it was necessary for it to come with me. A sigh left me as the scythe bid farewell, but it wasn’t a sad one. It was one that told me we would be seeing each other later.

My scythe melted into shadows, and just like that, I was ready to go.

◇ ◇ ◇

I arrived at the park an hour later, I checked the hour on my phone which said it was a bit past the afternoon. And it kind of showed, the park was booming with plant life, but there were less children. Perhaps it also had to do with the day, but I had no idea about that.

As I idly walked to the benches, I spotted the Old man, who waved at me ever-so-slowly at his leisure. I waved back with a smile, and after a few seconds of walking I finally sat next to him.

“You seem different, did something happen?” The Old man asked with a small smile.

“Sort of,” I replied with slight awkwardness. “There is something that bothers me, and I guess I want your thoughts…” I felt my heart-rate increase ever so slightly, it was the first time I had directly asked him to hear me out.

He nodded thoughtfully. “Shoot.”

I brushed off the fact that I did not understand what he meant by shoot, and continued by taking a deep breath.

“If I become happy, by making others happy, is it bad?”

The Old man instantly frowned. “What an odd question, why do you think that?”

I fidgeted. “Well, wouldn’t it be selfish to try to make others happy so you can be happy yourself?”

The Old man scoffed. “Bah, the whole world is selfish. Nothing wrong with loving yourself, Kaiti. If you don’t love yourself how can you love others?”

I paused. “Love myself?”

He nodded. “Come to like yourself, and the peculiarities. The things that make you, you.”

A frown grew on my face as I processed. What made me, myself? What was I? A Grim reaper. But I just felt as if my entire existence was around being a Grim reaper.

“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I don’t really know what makes me, me. I feel like everything I’ve done in my life has been to… make others happy so I can feel happy.”

The Old man pondered. “That may be so, but who is to say you aren’t the only one doing so?” He chuckled to himself. “In my youth I was obsessed with boats, everyone told me that my whole personality was based around boats. I had nothing to talk about but boats. Perhaps they were right that I completely dismissed others unless they talked about boats, but there was nothing wrong with liking boats.” He shook his head. “Kaiti, do you know what I tell those people nowadays? Those that say I have no life outside of sitting on a bench in a park?”

My eyes widened. “What?”

He inched closer and grinned. “I tell them to go fuck themselves, fuck ‘em.” He sat straight. As I nodded in understanding. He smiled at me and made another statement. “Some people cannot accept that others are happy doing whatever they want.”

“Eh?” Wait, what was he talking about?

The Old man looked at me. “Are you not troubled because someone is bullying you for wanting to make others happy?”

“N-No?” I looked at him with confusion.

He frowned. “I thought that was the case, then why are you troubled?”

I pondered for a second. “I suppose that it was a sort of moment where I don’t know who I want to be?” I frowned. “I started working because I needed to be stronger, but I needed to be stronger so I would not die. However, if I ignore that, the main reason has always been to make people happy, since I always liked the feeling of happiness?” I had a lot of self doubts which gave me pause. “I just don’t really know? Most of my life has always been about wanting to be a Grim reaper and Elyisum, making other people happy, which in turn makes me happy. It all feels… purposeless.”

The Old man pondered. “I suppose it can be like that. I don’t understand your Grim reaper analogy, but I can see your problem. But to me it seemed like you simply enjoyed listening to other people’s stories.”

I frowned. “I do enjoy hearing other people being happy, but it also feels like the same type of… well, purposelessness.”

The Old man nodded. “Is it wrong to be happy from this? Do you think you don’t deserve to be happy because of the way you acquire said happiness?” He shook his head and snorted. “Everyone deserves to be happy, and those that aren’t are bitter people. I understand there is struggle in the world, it’s something I am too familiar with. But…” He looked into the distance. “Those that aren’t happy for their entire life, are just bitter bastards.” He turned to me and smiled. “There is nothing wrong with being happy, especially if you are helping others while doing so.”

“Is that so?” I asked, feeling troubled.

He nodded. “Of course, nothing wrong with being you. You’re simply you, and that’s the end of the story.”

I am simply… me?

I remembered; my memory was slightly fuzzy now, but… I had… I had said the same thing yesterday. I was simply… me. I did not know if I still wanted to be a Grim reaper, or at least wholeheartedly, but being a Grim reaper was part of who I was. I couldn’t change that.

“Is it really okay to be simply me?” I looked at the ground. “I am a Grim reaper, even if I don’t want to be that, I will remain that. It’s… scary.”

I felt a warm arm on my back.

“Kaiti, we cannot run from our past sometimes, but we can certainly look towards a brighter future.” He took a deep breath. “Just be yourself, just be happy.”

I slowly nodded, feeling the warmth of his body against me. He was giving me a small hug which made me feel comfortable. It was fine to be me. Even if I wanted attention just like my scythe, or simply wanted to make others happy so I could be happy. That was fine.

“Thanks, Old man.”

He chuckled. “No problem, Kaiti.”

We stared at the horizon in silence. A few minutes of peace passed, until the Old man spoke.

“So, do you want to hear a few stories about the past?”

Stories? I looked at him smiling. He was happy.

“Sure!” I nodded enthusiastically. “But… I want to share mine first!”

He nodded, closing his eyes. “Very well, what do you have for me?”

“Then, how about I tell you all about servants and their heads rolling!” I chirped enthusiastically causing the Old man to look at me weirdly before letting out a laugh.

“Sure.”

◇ ◇ ◇

I talked for a few hours as the Old man asked some questions with obvious fascination. Though eventually I ran out of things to say, I was slightly embarrassed to simply tell him I did not go outside much in the Underworld.

“That is quite the colorful world.”

“It’s red, what part of it is colorful?” I scoffed.

The Old man chuckled. “Figuratively, not literally. You have a splendid imagination.”

I paused. Ah. “Yeah…”

“Did I say something wrong?” I shook my head hearing the Old man’s slightly concerned voice.

But I did feel like I needed to tell him the truth, though perhaps not in a way that would shout I am crazy.

“I am a Grim reaper.” I informed him. “So… if you’re dying, I can come take your soul and move it to Elysium.” I smiled.

The Old man’s eyes widened for a second before he started laughing. “Sure, sure. I’ll give you a call in that case.”

I nodded enthusiastically.

The Old man’s phone rang in his pocket, he picked it up and he frowned.

“It looks like I have to get going.”

Hearing him I felt sudden sadness, and slightly troubled. “Already?”

The Old man nodded. “Indeed, but I can tell you all about the fossil that I am tomorrow.”

I frowned, still not convinced. “Promise?”

“Promise.” He showed me his pinky finger.

I looked at it with confusion, and the Old man sighed.

“Is it not a thing these days?” He shook his head in disapproval. “It’s a pinky promise, our pinkie fingers interlock and it forms a promise. Here, put your finger.” I nodded and lifted my right finger, and they interlocked and did a weird handshake. “There you go, now it’s a promise that cannot be broken.”

“Is this magical?” I asked with a frown unable to feel anything.

He grinned. “Sure is.”

“Is it?” There was no magic.

“Hmhm.” He nodded. “So let us not break the promise or we will both be sad.”

“Okay…” He waved and bid farewell. But once again; I did not feel sadness. Instead, I was looking forward to seeing him again.