Done Adulting Vol. 1 Ch. 58 (Patreon)

It was lunchtime. Jamie knew Mom and Amanda would be picking him up from daycare soon for his first therapist appointment. He was having mixed feelings about it. To start with, they hadn’t asked him if he wanted to see a therapist. It was just announced. Jamie knew why they would have him see a therapist, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to. He didn’t volunteer how he felt about it, and they sensed it wasn’t something he wanted to be asked.

It wouldn’t have made a difference if he’d said he didn’t want to go. Anything short of traumatizing him wouldn’t have changed their minds about taking him, and even then, it would only have delayed the first visit. Taking care of Jamie’s mental and emotional health were no different than taking of his physical health, and Becky and Amanda were intent on taking the very best care of him even if he didn’t want them to.

He’d seen a therapist before. One in college for a while, another during his career. He couldn’t remember the first one’s name – that’s how much she helped. The second one was the classic shrink. He’d say something, and she’d nod and say “yeah” and “uh-huh” and otherwise stay silent until he felt awkward enough to say something else. Jamie understood the technique, but it wasn’t the kind of therapy he thought he’d signed up for. If all Jamie needed was a friendly ear, he could have talked to the neighbor’s dog or a sympathetic wall. She wouldn’t say anything until the session was five minutes from over, and then he’d leave feeling nothing had been discussed, let alone resolved. He quit going because they never made any progress.

The things Jamie would talk about with those therapists, he didn’t know if he wanted to talk about in his new world. Talking about them helps, sure, but sometimes not talking about things helps too. Between daycare and everything else he was still adjusting to, why bring up the past, which is what he assumed they thought he needed therapy for. He didn’t disagree; he just felt ambivalent about it.

But Jamie did need someone to unburden his anxiety about it, and though he wasn’t comfortable sharing his conflicted feelings with Becky and Amanda, he sensed it was safe to share his feelings with Ella. He knew she could keep a secret. “So I’m leaving early today to go see a therapist.”

“I’m leaving early to see my physical therapist.”

“I’ve been meaning to ask if you’re okay.”

“Fine. Just healing from something. Why? Did you notice something that looked not okay?” She seemed not alarmed but certainly self-conscious, as though she needed to know anything he may have noticed about her body that she hadn’t.

“No! … Well, I noticed you get tired easily, physically … Like when we walked around the field and you needed to stop … Just wanted to know if you’re okay … Sorry, I’ll stop talking about it.” Jamie cursed his social skills. Sometimes he couldn’t help speaking when he knew he shouldn’t, practically hearing a voice in his head telling him not to and a competing voice telling him to say it anyway.

Ella responded by taking another bite of her lunch. Jamie was sure he’d screwed up the only promising, regular friendship he had. He was good at a lot of things, but making friends and knowing when to shut up were not among them. In a professional setting, he was Mr. Discretion. In social settings, he was Mr. Awkward. He sat there wishing he could turn the clock back 5 minutes, not knowing what to say, if anything, or if he should just excuse himself.

Ella stirred her lunch with her spork. “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” Jamie heard her fine and wasn’t sure if she was being coy or what her intent was.

“What do you mean?”

“Tell me why you’re going to see a therapist, and I’ll tell you why I go to PT.”

Those two things are completely different, Jamie thought. Revealing your emotional or mental health problems wasn’t the same as a physical condition. “That’s hardly the same,” he replied.

“Why aren’t they?” Ella knew what he was going to say.

“Because my … mental health issues are … They’re more sensitive than a … physical problem.”

“Is a mental health problem a real health problem?”

“Yeah.”

“So either you’ve internalized a stigma to mental health, or you think I have, or you just don’t wanna say. And if you don’t wanna say, that’s fine. We don’t have to talk about it.”

After stepping on his tongue in most of the things he’d already said, Jamie didn’t want to talk about it. What he wanted to talk about was Ella and why it was important that no one knew there was an unregressed little at Little Hearth, specifically her. Jamie knew Mom had asked Diane if she had experience with unregressed little, and Diane had responded with just a yes when she must have known telling Rebecca there was another unregressed little in her care would likely have secured Rebecca’s business on the spot. Maybe if he were a little more open, it would make Ella a little more open.

Jamie began, “I used to be a social worker. I got to the point where I couldn’t deal with everything I had to deal with and being unable to fix it all, and I didn’t think I could stay back there and just walk away from it. So I came here. I think Mom wants me to talk about all that with a therapist.”

Ella turned away from Jamie and pulled her hair aside, revealing a scar running down her neck and into her dress. She let her hair fall and turned around. “I had surgery.”

“That scar looks old.”

“It is.”

“But you still go to therapy for it?”

“Yep.”

Becky and Amanda came through the classroom door. Jamie found himself torn. He wanted to leave daycare; he didn’t want to go to see a therapist; he wanted to keep talking to Ella. All incompatible with one another.

“Hey, buddy,” Amanda said when she approached. “You ready to go?”

“Yes,” Jamie replied, pushing what was left of his his lunch away. “This is Ella, by the way. Ella, this is my sister Amanda and my mom, Becky.”