Done Adulting Vol.1 Ch. 22 (Patreon)

After a night’s rest and a thorough bath, Jamie was ready to write to Cheryl.

My Forever Friend, Cheryl,

I’m called Jamie now. Amanda picked it out. You were right about her. No one has ever been so nice to me, except you. She calls me her buddy. She makes it bearable here so far.

Becky and I got off to a rougher start. At first, it was like she was so blinded by her idea of a little that she couldn’t see how I was different from that. She’s never been less than kind, but sometimes inconsiderate. But Amanda talked to her. I don’t know what she said, but Becky apologized. She promised if I trusted her and gave her another chance to show me she loved me, I’d come to love her and even heal, she said. I don’t know what that means, ‘heal.’ If it means to forget, I’d rather stay broken. Do you think that’s what I am? I don’t want to be a pity case.

There are some things I hadn’t anticipated, and if I had, I don’t know that I’d have come. They’re hard sometimes, but not everything about them is bad.

They threw an arrival party for me yesterday. I like Amanda’s Uncle Danny and Aunt Laurie, and Becky’s best friend, Jane. Jane has a little named Rosie. Becky’s mom seems like a piece of work. I sorta made fun of her, but honestly, I don’t feel guilty about it, and everyone else thought it was funny. Except Becky, but she didn’t seem mad either.

I’m going to get to meet Rosie eventually. I haven’t gotten to meet any other littles yet. I saw some in a store. Most of them seemed regressed. I think I’ll feel better when I get to talk to some littles and hear their perspective on things. They have to have some tips and tricks to make things easier.

Other than that trip to the store, I haven’t gone out yet. I had several surgeries, and between that and the time difference, I’m tired a lot. The surgeries don’t hurt very much anymore, but I guess I’m still mending.

About that trip to the store. Some random lady just came right up and pinched my cheek, and then when I got mad she did it again! Like she didn’t even hear me! I’m nervous about meeting other bigs, not because I’m worried they’ll be mean to me but that they’ll treat me like she did, like I’m not a full person.

I try to tell myself it will be okay as long as Becky and Amanda are around, but I know at some point, when summer ends, they won’t be around all the time. I’m trying to prepare myself for it, but sometimes it’s easier not to think about it. Every day is pretty much the same; that’s comforting, in a way. I think it will get boring eventually, but so far, it’s better, I think.

Most of my day is spent with Amanda. It’s a bit embarrassing, but when I do get bored, I follow her around. She never gets tired of me, though. She usually picks me up and keeps doing what she was doing, or else she stops and we talk or she helps me find something fun to do. It seems I never go long but I’m with her or she comes to me. I like that. She makes me feel ... I’m not sure. I just want to be with her most of the time.

I have two people who love me. I don’t know if I can say with sincerity I have that depth of feeling for them, even for Amanda. It would be absurd to, right? I’ve known them little more than a week.

Thank you so much for the presents you gave me. They were each so thoughtful. The bear is ... I’ve never had anything that was important to me. He sleeps with me. Sometimes I carry him around the house. I know it’s silly; it’s just a teddy bear. But because it’s from you ... I don’t understand how a teddy bear could make me feel so much better; it’s just a stuffed toy. But it does.

I’ve only heard its voice once. It hurt so bad, hearing your voice and not seeing you, and not knowing when I’ll see you again, I don’t think I can hear it again. But knowing your voice is inside it, close to me whenever I need to hear you, makes me feel that I’ve not lost you. I haven’t, have I?

There are times when I’m afraid I’m pretending, or maybe don’t even know I’m pretending. Do I feel such affection for Amanda because I have her with me and not you? Is the bear just a substitute? Your words are always a great comfort to me. Not hearing them every day leaves a void. I can’t tell if Amanda is filling that void in my heart, or if my heart grows each day to make a space for her.

I can’t say I’m unhappy, but neither am I happy. I don’t know what this feeling is. There are moments when I smile and laugh and have fun and suppose I am happy. But it feels like those moments end so quickly, and then there’s just the uncertainty again, this gray feeling I can’t seem to name. And then I started asking myself all over again, what am I doing here?

Did I trade for a better world, or did I just trade for a new world to be sad in?

I can’t foresee where this all goes. Amanda can’t tell me, nor Becky. They know where they want it to go, and they believe it will; they seem so sure of it. I want to be sure of it, too, and I try to will myself to have their confidence and yours too, but I can’t. Or when I can, it only keeps away the doubt for so long. I never doubted your word. When you were sure, I was sure. Can you tell me, where does this road go?

I thought I was scared when I left you. I thought that was the hard part, and it was so hard, harder than anything I’ve ever done, and I’ve done what’s hard. I had to do what was hard, and then I chose to do what was hard. Then I chose to walk away from all that, as far as I thought I could walk. The road didn’t end, Cheryl. Maybe I deluded myself into thinking it would, or else chose not to think on it because I didn’t want to know.

As there’s path still to tread, I guess I have to keep walking. It feels more like a limp. Cheryl, do you know where this road goes? Do you know the way?

Your Forever Friend,

Jamie

PS, Becky sings a song to me every night. Its last verse make me think of you. It’s a tender song, and it hurts the way tender songs are supposed to hurt, sweetly.

Though sad fate our lives may sever

Parting will not last forever,

There's a hope that leaves me never,

All through the night