Done Adulting Vol. 1 Ch. 12 (Patreon)

“Wake up,” Eric heard from a distance. “Wake up.” He felt a hand on his back, and he lifted his eyelids and rolled over. Standing above him, leaning over the crib rail, was Cheryl. His heart rose up in his chest in the fullest feeling of safety and contentment. He laughed and leapt to his feet …

“Wake up, kiddo. Or you won’t sleep through the night.” Coming to, Eric felt a hand again on his back, making small circles through the fuzzy material of his footie pajamas. This disappointment flushed the fullness from his chest and left it empty. He knew when he rolled over, it wouldn’t be Cheryl. He rolled over anyway.

“Hi, Becky.” He didn’t bother to move or sit up.

“Hi, kiddo. You must’ve been so tired. You slept for four hours.” She unlatched the crib rail and lowered it gently. She reached in and squeezed Eric’s diaper. He grimaced and looked away.

“Wow! You’re still dry. Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, a little.”

“C’mon,” Becky said as she picked up Eric, who lifted an arm to make it easier for her.

“Why don’t we go find something for you to do,” she said as she carried him toward the door. Looking behind him, he saw a giftwrapped box under the crib.

“Wait! Um … can I just play in here for a while?” He remembered what the box was, and he wanted to open it alone. He was afraid if he told her, she’d insist on watching him open it.

She looked down at his face, and it seemed to plead. “Okay. Just keep the door open.” She set him down gently on the floor, seated on his butt. He instinctively started to rise. “Ah-ah. No walking today, remember? Be gentle with that hip.”

“Okay. I promise,” he said as earnestly as he could. They stared at each other for a moment: she waiting for him to do something, he waiting for her to leave. He realized what she was waiting for, and on his hands and knees he crawled toward the shelf with the toys on it. Hands on her hips, she smiled and left.

Eric reached the shelf and picked up the first toy he came to. It looked like a typical toddler toy – lights and sound to amuse a simple, developing mind. He wanted to play with it for a moment in case she came back. But he couldn’t make it do anything. He pushed a few buttons, and it didn’t light up or make a noise. He turned it over in his hands. He didn’t see a battery door. He couldn’t make sense of it. Was it a puzzle? He set it down.

He glanced over the other toys and then around the room. He knew he couldn’t reach the top of any surface without climbing something else to get there. He looked at the rocking chair, and he thought maybe he could struggle to get up there on his own, but he pictured the runners sliding out from under and the whole thing falling on him.

He looked at his changing table. There were three kinds of diapers under it: the plain white one he was wearing earlier; a much thicker blue one; and something with a cartoon on it. The blue one had a sheen to it, but the other two did not. He didn’t want to inspect them.

He sniffed a little, and he smelled something sour. Then he saw the diaper pail next to the changing table. He hadn’t asked how long he had been in their home, but he figured since at least the day before. On the other side of the changing table was a hamper.

Too curious not to, Eric brought his hand down to his waist, and through his sleeper he probed the front of his diaper, then reached around with both hands and felt his diapered butt, the padding feeling wide and long, extending above his lower back, but stopping before reaching his mid back. It felt slick through his sleeper. Working up his courage, he unzipped his pajamas – at least the zipper was on the front – and looked inside, finally putting his hand directly on it. He was wearing one of the blue ones. It felt as thick as it looked, so thick he couldn’t feel much through it, and the sheen came from the plastic tape zones stretching across his waist.

Disgusted, he zipped his sleeper closed again. That fight’s not over, he thought.

Crawling to the door to assure himself no one was coming around the corner, he crawled back to his crib, or, rather, underneath it. It was tall enough under there to be his fort, he thought, his hiding place. He could stand up under there with the top of his head just brushing the underside of the crib. With the rail down and blocking his way, he crawled under from the head of the crib and sat down next to the box.

It was wrapped in plain blue paper, which he was glad of. He wouldn’t have wanted something childish. It was good wrapping paper, too. Not the kind that tore when you tried to wrap a present; a colleague showed him the difference his first year on the job when his office exchanged secret Santa gifts. That seemed like Cheryl, too.

He pulled the box toward himself. It was heavier than he thought it would be, though it was a large box. The gift label read,

For: My forever friend, Eric

From: His forever friend, Cheryl

Eric’s eyes filled with tears, the reason he wanted to do this alone. Gently, so as not to tear any paper, Eric ran his finger down the seam, breaking the tapes. He peeled the paper back and folded it, setting it to the side to save it. He pulled open the flaps of the box.

Within, he found several more boxes and an envelope. He held the envelope and saw her handwriting. He couldn’t open it yet. He set it aside.

Like anyone would, he picked the largest box within. On it was taped a note: Some things that might help you adjust to your new world. Saving the note, he opened the box and found, of all things, exercise equipment: grip strengtheners, resistance bands in various thicknesses, a portable pull up bar, an ab roller, and a wooden board he didn’t recognize. He turned the board over and found a label that said Finger Board. He remembered what this was now; he’d read about them in outdoor magazines. Rock climbers use them to strengthen their fingers. Looking around the room, it made perfect sense. Everything was too tall for him. She’s so clever, he thought with a smile.

He opened the next box. It was a stationary kit. Each envelope was pre-addressed with Cheryl’s home address and what he deduced must be the address of the house he was in. A note inside said, Hide the pen until you know if they’ll let you use one. There were several refillable capsules inside a ziploc baggie. That made sense, too: would he give a toddler an actual pen? Pausing, he listened closely to hear if anyone was coming, then slipped the pen and the capsules under the crib mattress, which he could just reach if he stood on his tip toes. It hurt a little. He eased himself back down.

There was just the one box left. Eric decided to open the letter first. Several pictures fell out of the folded paper, two of Cheryl and one of Cheryl and Eric. He smiled to remember each one; they hurt, too. He unfolded the pages.

My Dear Eric,

I am missing you as I write this. I wanted so to do the selfish thing and discourage you from leaving, or else delay finding you a new family forever. It wasn’t duty that kept me from it, but how much I care for you. Our world needs gentle souls; each one of us needs dear, kind friends. Reasons enough to keep you here for myself. As for you, wherever you go, you are dear to me, and you have my friendship and my kindness always. But you need something else besides.

I rise each morning wishing for your happiness. I pray each night you come to know the deep wellspring of goodness within yourself. I saw it so quickly. How can I open your eyes?

What must I tell you to make you understand you need not ask anyone for forgiveness, for there is nothing to forgive? What can I write to make you forgive yourself? Tell me, my sweet boy, and I’ll write it a thousand thousand times.

I know as you are reading this you are frightened. You’re wondering just how big a mistake you’ve made and asking yourself whether you’ll be able to bear it, whether you’ll ever be happy again. If you trust me, know truly you will be happy again, and very soon. Know you need not bear it for it is not a burden but will be a joy to you. I promise.

Becky and Amanda love you. They loved you from the moment they set eyes on you. They will love you always. I made sure of it.

It was Amanda who first saw you. She pulled your file from the stack and smiled when she saw your sweet face, and her smile faded when she read your troubles. ‘What about him,’ she said to her mom. And Becky took the file from her, and Amanda said, ‘I think we can help him.’

They are yours and always will be, as I am yours and always will be. Let them love you, for my sake if not your own, for I cannot stand the thought of you again without love by your side all day and long night.

Love is like grace. It warms us. It redeems us. It saves us. It will save you. I promise promise promise.

And if you want to come home, tell me and I will come for you. I’ll move stars for you. But o, please give it time. For me.

Your Forever Friend,

Cheryl

PS, I will keep my promise to visit

Eric wept. He wept so hard he didn’t know if he could stop. He had never wept so. Or hurt this way.

He folded the letter and put it back in its envelope. He wanted so badly to clutch it tightly and never let it go, but he forced himself back to his feet and slid the letter under his mattress.

With tears still running down his face, he sat back down and opened the last box. Inside was a teddy bear. An ordinary teddy bear, almost three feet long, but an ordinary bear. He smiled to think of her going to a store and walking the aisles until she found the perfect bear for him. The thought stopped his tears.

It’s knitted brown eyes and smile looked back at him. It was soft but firm. He gave it a squeeze and felt something inside. Working his fingers to take hold of whatever it was, he squeezed it. Even muffled by the stuffing, he could make it out plain. It was Cheryl’s voice: “My sweet boy,” she said.

It stunned Eric. It stunned him, and when the moment passed, he wept. Not gently. Not softly. Not quietly. But in great grief. In such terrible grief a hard heart would miss a beat to hear it. Eric buried his face in his bear and couldn’t stop himself. Every tear he had, every tear he had never shed, they all came out now. He didn’t know what he was crying for. For himself? For her? For what everything and everyone he’d left behind? In gratitude? Or all of it?

He didn’t sense he was being lifted or see who was holding him. By instinct he took his face away from the bear and buried it in the soft warmth of whoever had him. She held him tight. She held him as tight as he held his bear.

He wept so long and so hard, he no longer could. His head hurt terribly. He sniffled and tears still fell, and he didn’t take his face away from that safe place that held it. He felt the gentle rocking. The soft hand that rubbed circles on his back and fingers through his hair. He heard the gentle shushes and coos of a kind voice trying to comfort him.

When he finally could, he looked up and saw it was Amanda who had him so tightly. She wasn’t smiling, nor did she look worried. She looked content to have this little boy in her arms, and Eric knew Cheryl was right about her, in every way. Eric rested his cheek against her chest on the driest spot he could find and felt a gentle kiss on top his head. She spoke very softly.

“Ya know, when Mom said she wanted a little, I was against it. I don’t gush over littles like most people. I liked things the way they were, just the two of us. But she wasn’t going to change her mind.

“We went to the agency office and looked through a bunch of files, and I saw yours and thought, ‘What a cutie.’” She chuckled and continued. “But there are a lot of cuties out there. I saw your story, though, and that’s when I told Mom I thought we should pick you.

“And then we waited for months, and it all faded a bit, and I started thinking she had made a mistake in wanting a little after all. I was worried you would change things. And I was worried I didn’t have it in me to be a big sister. I wasn’t sure I could love someone enough, like other people can.

“Then you got here yesterday, and I looked down at you sleeping in your crib. And right then you taught me, just your tiny little body and your soft face snuggled into a blanket. You taught me I could love that much, more than I ever thought I could. And I can’t ever thank you enough for that.” She kissed his head again, and he nestled against her.

Trying hard not to start crying again, Eric took in three short breaths, enough to say, “Amanda? I like ‘Jamie.’”

“Okay. ‘Jamie’ it is.”

She held him and rocked him a little longer until she felt him go limp. She looked and saw he was asleep again, though his hand still held his bear. She laid him gently in his crib. She saw the toys and pictures underneath and would ask about them later.

Gently, she took the bear from Eric’s hand and undressed him, getting him out of his sob-stained pajamas. She checked both sides of his diaper and found him clean and dry. She pulled his blanket up around his chin and tucked him in snug, caressing his face with the back of her hand and wiping the tearstreaks from his cheeks before raising the crib rail and turning to leave.

Her mom was leaning against the doorframe with tears of her own. Amanda blushed and didn’t say anything as she passed. Becky caught hold of her sleeve and gave her a quick kiss. Amanda went to change.

_______________________

Hours later in the darkness, Jamie felt himself stirred but didn’t rise to consciousness. He felt something pressed against his lips again, and that sweet liquid ran into his mouth, and he drank it in slow, sleeping swallows.

He faintly heard Becky humming that tune again, and then singing.

Sleep my child and peace attend thee,

All through the night

Guardian angels God will send thee,

All through the night

Soft the drowsy hours are creeping

Hill and vale in slumber sleeping,

I my loving vigil keeping

All through the night

While the moon her watch is keeping

All through the night

While the weary world is sleeping

All through the night

O'er thy spirit gently stealing

Visions of delight revealing

Breathes a pure and holy feeling

All through the night

Love, to thee my thoughts are turning

All through the night

All for thee my heart is yearning,

All through the night

Though sad fate our lives may sever

Parting will not last forever,

There's a hope that leaves me never,

All through the night