Noxian Red 1 (Patreon)

Noxian Red - or ‘Outta Jail with a Friend’ (League of Legends, Self Insert ft. Jail Friend)

I want to start this by saying a few important things.

First, I am not a prison bitch.

Considering I had been stuck in the same cell for two consecutive years, no chance to shower beyond getting a monthly bucket of ice cold water dropped above my head and prison uniform- and that guards tended to ‘fuck people over’ through the means of torture if they were behaving like bitches… Well, I was free from that assumption.

Second, I am not sure why I am in this sort of magical hell hole.

I only know I got hit by something while driving my car, I was rendered unconscious once, woke up in a comfy cell, then got stunned by some dark-armored knights and woke up in this shittier place.

This was some sort of legit prison compared to the strange place I was being kept on, and with it came the various expectations of being a prisoner in a maximum security place: I was 24/7 isolated by direct contact beyond the daily meal delivery which I had to split in three meals for the day, the monthly showers, and the terrifying screams of pain unfolding each day to remind me that in this silly insane world, Geneva was not a place or a treaty.

Hence why, despite how shitty it was, I held back from ‘demanding a lawyer’ or ‘I was innocent and judged wrongly’. If some of the tougher bastards around could cry like bitches, then I would hardly survive a single session with these big murderous fellows.

And as I slipped away from the screaming, I realized that this world was not as simple as just that. In that strangely ‘peaceful’ state of self I was in, I found someone willing to… talk.

Not within the prison, not yet, but rather someone that was there from the first week onward.

Let’s call this guy… Gurrin.

Now, this guy isn’t exactly a normal chap. More like a gray mist with dark blue eyes that stared at people’s souls for shit and giggles. The truth is that this guy was, by all means, a demon.

He ended up talking with me for a solid year before I was told why he was actually being my therapist- or rather my emotional pillow through what felt like an eternity due to the isolated cell.

I seek an opportunity. A chance to sow chaos into the Noxian travesty. You… you have the highest chance to do so.

I had a name. Noxus. This was the country. I am sure I don’t know anything about a ‘Noxus’, but I knew it was some sort of bullshit nazi situation. And I ended up stuck as some sort of ‘experiment gone wrong’.

Still, Gurrin kept on feeding me not only info, but also gave me someone to talk to for the time being. For a year, Gurrin became a confidant. I wouldn’t say ‘god’ considering he didn’t force himself as that to me, but he made it clear he was powerful but limited.

He mentioned a more powerful demon had been enslaved by the current strongman of this ‘Empire’, who wasn’t an emperor and that ruled with two others. A Triumvirate of sorts. As time went by, the advice Gurrin provided gave me a chance to be even more cautious without being too cautious about some stuff.

He taught me about Runeterra, of the chaotic Noxus being just one of many other lands where magic existed together with technology. As he continued to explain, I was also given a chance to form a ‘deal’ with him.

He wanted an Avatar, but he promised he wouldn’t try to possess me. The goal was to provide me with the tools to ‘tackle the main issue in the balance of chaos’ and to ‘give me something to keep on fighting for’.

The last bit was a bit puzzling at first, but I realized that I couldn’t get a fighting chance in this world if I didn’t have a reason to do so. And going back home was, as of now, unthinkable.

As unpleasant as that may sound, the ‘experiment’ that brought me here was a one-in-a-million kind of deal. So, I couldn’t hope to be there to fight to go home. I was cursed with that, but I could make the scumbag that put me, an innocent individual, behind maximum security.

If honest care for others wasn’t going to be my fuel, then pure spite would have to do.

The deal I was given was simple, the Demon could not promise me a ‘freebie’ as I called it. Rather, I would give him something that wouldn’t impair my capacity to live and fight, but… it would be a meaningful expense.

After all, the ability I got was supposed to grant me the chance to use any sort of weapon I could think of. I would use magic to produce it, and the size and caliber all depended on my magical power.

Gurrin confirmed I was able to wield magic that way as it relied on ‘passive life force’- the fuel for standard magic without tapping into ‘permanent life force’ and actually fucking myself over through a lessened life span.

But while I got this power, I soon realized I couldn’t stage a jailbreak. As I tried to manifest a gun… I only got a bullet. And that was all I could produce due to how malnourished I was.

It’s been a year, I was so fucked up at this point due to the hostile conditions of the prison and the isolation was still eroding my sanity. I needed to find a solution, and a few more conversations with Gurrin gave me an idea.

I tried to check if I could have a ‘partner’ for the jailbreak. Alone, I knew, I couldn’t do it. But I wasn’t alone, and there were other living experiments around with interesting powers. It was only a matter of finding out if any were occupying the cells on my sides.

I checked on the left, but I got nothing. I checked on the right and… I heard someone.

“Freedom? You want freedom? I want freedom too!”

The childish female voice was a bit intimidating, but I wasn’t that frightened considering I have been missing on so much shit that ‘fear’ kind of felt a pleasant novelty despite its ramifications.

“Y-Yes. But I need your help to get this to work.”

“Hm? How?”

“I’ll tell you. But you have to be… my friend.”

Stupid as that sounded, I could spot the childish attitude so… I gave it a shot with that.

“Y-your friend?” The girl sounded confused and then… delighted. “Jail friend!”

“Yes, so?”

“We will be the best of friends~!”

The assurance was great, but talking was strictly limited around the hours the guards were changing. I learned a lot about my cell-neighbor, Blair. I knew she was some sort of pseudo-vampire that wouldn’t burn under the sun.

She was ‘special’, and she loved to go into frenzies with her enemies. It took me six months to get all the info I needed on Blair’s abilities as she had a formidable set to rely on, but no blood to use those.

I needed to feed her blood somehow.

And that solution came with a loose conversation about how ‘unpleasant sweaty feet were’ for her as she was hardly ‘washed’. This gave me a bit of a stupid, depraved, but reasonable idea to work with.

It was so stupid that it worked.

“Hey, I heard that you are a poor lonely janitor. How about I… let you use my feet~?”

Blair told me she was physically strong despite her limitations due to her hunger, but she needed to be within reach. As the fat moron that approached her cell was very much into getting pleasured by a female cute prisoner to the point of getting close enough to her toes’ reach… he was easily shown what it meant to be tricked by Blair.

His screams were nothing new to add to the classic symphony and didn’t add any concern to the guards. But the loud noise of Blair kicking the door open sure stirred the trouble once she was done feeding on the janitor.

I was patient, unsure if I had been right with my choices, and hoping I wasn’t going to die by cutepie but…

The door of my cell was torn apart by what looked to be a strange portable device that resembled a pillory which… Blair was wearing. I finally was graced by the outrageously beautiful monster I had entrusted my survival with and, as she had blood still staining her ragged clothes and her cheeks, I moved up to her and stared at her.

She was giving me a full sharp grin with her big teeth.

“Jail friend~!” She greeted me and I nodded.

“Jail friend.”

I reached out and patted her cheek.

“Ready to feast?”

I never thought I would be the one starting a massacre within a prison. But life changes for a prison inmate that was wrongly screwed by fate itself.

At least my vampiric monstrous ‘jail friend’ knew how to tear a path out of a bad spot…