Cunning God of Cuddles 7 (Patreon)

Cunning God of Cuddles 7 - Or ‘This Little Birdie is truly a Cuddly Bio-Weapon!’ (RidleyClone!SI Xover)

This is far more terrifying than a prolonged SA-X’s chase.

First, the entire structure was cracking due to how intensely powerful Crocomire’s new claws were. Then there’s the fact this was a living being hellbent on trying to catch up with me and not a dumb AI that could be juked.

The fact these caves were not perfectly carved and I had to move around to dodge hitting a wall or slide to avoid getting caught by her flying fireballs made the entire experience a true nightmare.

But my luck managed to shift for good when I noticed that there was a strange chamber up ahead that seemed to have a tall roof. I entered it, glancing up and seeing… a way out.

The grated section which was rightly so below some lava confirmed this was part of one of the volcanoes in the Pyrosphere. Pausing a moment, I crouched briefly, my legs groaning with kinetic energy as I committed the one thing that could save my ass: a fucking Shinespark move!

Conserving the Speedboost’s energy within my body, I used an upward jump to propel myself through the ceiling and out of the fake volcano, dodging Crocomire’s angry clutches and-

Feeling a sharp pain rip through my body once I was outside the volcano.

It was not extensive, but it fucking hurt as I ended up rolling down the Volcano. I managed to morph into a morphball before I got too fast in the rolling and hurt myself. The descent was terrifying, especially when I could see I was rolling towards lava.

Catching my breath, I unmorphed and jumped before hitting the spicy liquid. I barely made it to a small pillar that started to crack under my weight and then onto a platform that was stable enough.

Looking around, I expected more trouble. But nothing. It was just me, the door and my heart drumming as if I was moments away from having a heart attack. I took a few seconds to stand straight, breathe slowly and calm down my nerves.

That… that was scary. Ignoring the ‘child support’ jokes, getting chased by that bitch had been way too close to a horror game. And boy, I didn’t need that on a metroid game.

I slowly made my way to the door, expecting to be granted the blissful sterile room of a briefing/save area. I was given the opposite of that. The first red flag was the door ‘struggling’ to open, as something was fighting back against its effort to open up but… it managed to do so. By snapping the web that had been splattered over it.

As my eyes were given a chance to look into the room, I realized it was a hallway… filled with spider web. Lots of it. Big web at that. And I felt my teeth gnawing at the idea I was going to face a spider.

I drew a sight, my brain, still struggling with some of that panic, caught blank on what I was looking to face. Definitely a spider but… I feel like there were some spider-themed monsters in the games. Which one would this one be about?

Still busy contemplating it, I finally entered what I knew was the boss room but… also not. No monster around as the dark room only had eggs left and right. I felt a big grimace manifesting as I didn’t hesitate to take actions to prevent a ‘Facehugger’ situation. I blasted the whole ground on fire and destroyed all the eggs there.

Once I was done, I noticed the other door that led out of the room was webbed up too much to be opened and, while I tried to burn it with my breath, I realized this kind of web was actually resilient to fire.

The fuck?

I walked closer to it, contemplating using my claws to try and cut through it, but I had a distinct feeling it was going to just stick me up and leave me stuck. As I was busy glaring at the door, I heard a strange humming coming from above my head.

It was familiar, I had heard this noise before at the beginning of a boss fight, and as my mind finally united all clues… my eyes widened, and I jumped back. I avoided just barely a blast of green from slamming onto the ground.

“GROAAAAAAHHHH!!!”

The loud roar came from the monstrous green-eyed spider that was… Yakuza. Or ‘Gedo’ as some fans would call it. This monstrous thing was a boss from Metroid Fusion- only Metroid Fusion. So, that’s why my brain didn’t compute it in the BOTTLE SHIP as the bastard should have not been there!

Still, it was and it rushed down to try and claim me with its maw. I rolled in Morphball, barely getting out of its reach as it stood there briefly before getting back to its ceiling position.

My game plan was… I didn’t have one. Up to this point, I could have justified my fights as stuff I could somewhat play with considering that I had a good ‘breathpower’ and other abilities rendered me extremely powerful.

But Yakuza was built differently.

That spider boss was commonly known to have standard fire breath, but it was spitting green powerful heat-based blasts that were screaming of Plasma Beam. And I knew using my Fire Breath into its weak spot, the mouth, would hardly yield any result.

I rushed around, contemplating if I had to Shinespark the bastard but… I knew the carapace was going to be too thick to break. I had to find another weak spot. Somehow. There will always be a weak spot with these bastards.

So, I started to dodge more intense fire blasts, looking for anything I could hit on its body, but the bastard was moving to keep its upper section revealed and hid its belly… and that’s when I realized the situation: differently from its canonical appearance, Yakuza was not keeping by a wall, it was hanging by flammable web.

Once I dodged the umpteenth pseudo-plasma attack, I started to ‘spray and pray’ some of my fire breath to the ceiling. It took a few missed shots, but I finally struck the web that was keeping it to the ceiling.

Soon it fell to the ground head first. Agonizing over the fall, Yakuza forgot about me for a moment, and that was his ultimate doom. Now, the question is: do I risk the biscuit and try to ‘fight various phases’ or try something more creative because I am not in the mood to actually get my brain railroaded on gamey strats?

I don’t need to tell ya all what I picked as a choice.

After all, this was not a game, real shit was to be followed and I had a big-brain idea. The room was big enough to pick up enough distance to activate the Speed Boost and… I proceeded to Shinespark the spider.

Yakuza went stiff as I pierced through its belly, slamming through its weak spot and tearing through the other side. Some of its internal gue ended up in my throat as my mouth had been open out of instinct and… it was terrible. It was a nice taste at first, then I felt my stomach boil and then I experienced the Ghost Pepper of spider guts.

I fell backward on the ground, writhing in pain as I felt my body burning as if my stomach’s acids were moments away from melting me up and- My breath produced a green flame that scorched the remaining web. The intense ejection of green fire was enough to soothe the tremendous pain and… I frowned at my visor’s screen.

Two Energy Tanks Absorbed!

EN: 99 [][][][][][][][]

Nova Breath acquired!

That’s… stronger than Plasma. Right?

I mean, Metroid Prime 3 made a point that Nova Beam was one step above Plasma Beam, so I want to believe that’s the case. As I pulled myself up, I turned myself to the door and blasted the webs away, freeing it and allowing myself to go through the previously blocked passage.

No saving spot, only a hallway that led to…

OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, NOT ANOTHER ELEVATOR!

I sat down on the ground, angrily staring at the elevator and then around in an effort to find cameras. I was getting pranked a bit too much now- First, Crocomire, then Yakuza, now I have to fucking go back down to the basement to deal with clingy and cray-cray fire lizard.

…

I fucking hate whoever is behind this whole shit.

Despite my strong feelings, I stood up and begrudgingly walked up to the elevator. I didn’t even react much as I noticed it going ‘horizontally’ rather than vertically, I even felt embittered by the terminal saying it was taking me to the Cryosphere of all places!

…

You know what? Fuck it, I am finding a way to get back on the original map and precede Samus as she was expected to get there quite soon anyway.

If Little Birdie wasn’t getting to the headpats, then the headpats would willingly get to Little Birdie.

—-------d-d-d-d—-------

AN

Little Birdie is about to ruin his semi-benevolent but really pragmatic overseer. His efforts shall reward him with… headpats! Just not from the one he was looking to get them from.