Update on - well, me. You don't have to read, don't worry! (Patreon)

 A new journey begins for me.

I was starting to feel off again. “Again”, I thought, trying to convince myself it had stopped being an issue at some point. My body image and need to control my weight was slowly growing stronger again, and this time I had to stop it. That’s what recovery is, right? Always fighting against your eating disorder. Always on edge. Always struggling. “Cause you already fucked up your life, now deal with it”. Except, I was wrong.

I decided to do some research. It’s been YEARS since I went so deep into this topic. I read a lot, spent many hours researching, cause what I was going through couldn’t be normal, right? All the rules I had. The strict exercise schedule, the hours I needed to invest, the amount of cookies I was allowed to eat. The growing amount of food I didn’t let myself eat. 

I spent nearly 10 years thinking that it was normal not eating pizza, not eating cheese, not eating so many other foods cause that was what healthy people did, right? And I thought it was normal not being able to eat out without restricting my intake the next day. That it was normal not being able to travel if that was gonna interrupt my exercise routine. Cause that was what healthy people did. They had to make sacrifices. I was a healthy person, so of course I’d say no to pizza on my mom’s birthday and would leave early so I could go work out. Not cause I was obsessed, but because I was healthy. Healthy people cry and have panic attacks if they miss a workout… right?

Of course not.

So I read. I was confused. I couldn’t still be anorexic! That happened when I was 15! I am at a healthy weight, even on the heavier side! It doesn’t make sense. I can’t just eat more and exercise less if I’m not underweight. I don’t deserve help. I’m not sick enough. I’m not even sick. 

But turns out, I’m still not recovered.

I am scared of not working out. I’m scared of eating several foods. I am terrified of gaining weight and I’ve pretended for almost 10 years I work out cause it’s good for me, cause I have fun with it, when in reality, I’m miserable. I’ve pretended I dislike foods I actually love so no one would notice I just don’t wanna gain weight. And even if they did notice, all they’d say is “Good for you!”. Cause health is working out and eating healthy. Nothing else. Fuck what goes on inside the person’s head. 

I read and I was terrified cause I had lied for so many years. This was such an impact cause, hell, I’VE BEEN LIVING IN A LIE and accepting that is one of the hardest things I’ve done in a long while. 

Leticia, you’re still anorexic and you have to heal. You have to recover, and you won’t half ass it this time. 

I wish I had known before many of the things I learnt while I did research. I wouldn’t had missed so many family gatherings, so much time with my friends. I wouldn’t have exercised while crying. I wouldn’t have been terrified to put on a cosplay. I would have lived, not just pretended to live.

So this time around, at fucking 24 years old, I am making the conscious choice to recover from anorexia. Today is the first day I break my workout schedule in over 5 years. This is the first day I allow myself to eat more cookies just cause I can. This is the first day where I allow myself to have as much pizza as I fucking want, cause I am allowed to. And yes, I know it sounds ridiculous to find health eating junk food and not exercising, but health is not only physical. I’ve been physically as healthy as can be, and been miserable. I need to heal my mind first, and then work on the rest. I did it the other way around, and I fucked up. 

I won’t say I’m not anxious as fuck right now. Hell, I’m facing every fear I have, face on. I’ll probably gain weight (biggest fear) and I’ll have to deal with that. But it’s necessary for my health. I know future me will thank me, and honestly? Present me, not the anorexic in me, but the real me, is really thankful too.

I’m telling you this cause it’s an important issue. Many people have the same struggles I have, and don’t seek out for help cause they don’t think they’re “sick enough”. That’s a terrible lie and we all deserve treatment and live a happy life. 

And this also means i’ll have more time to draw and cosplay, cause I won’t be spending two hours everyday working out AJJHAHJDHJ so that’s another benefit. I get to heal, to learn, to be happy, and you guys will get more content. Sounds like a good deal, in my opinion. 

Thank you if you read all of this. I appreciate every single one of you so much. Thank you for your support and for believing in me. It means so much cause I honestly thought nobody would ever give a fuck about me. You guys have helped me believe in my skills and motivate me to learn and practice and do what I love the most. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.