post (Patreon)

Hello. For 3 months and a half I did nothing. Since February 2022, both the programmer and I have had a deterioration in performance. I usually received updates for the game from the programmer and this gave me strength. But the stress affected his performance. I was also always stressed from work and it made work a terrible experience. But the worst thing is when the stress went away and I became a puppet with emptiness inside. I used to channel my suffering and emotions into work. And when this was gone, opening the flash, I simply could not move and turned on the browser and forgot.

For three months I turned on a multiplayer game and I was hiding from stress. He turned off the light and sat in his room. Made my brain think that I was busy with important work for 6-12 hours every day for 3 months. I hate multiplayer games because I have high standards and I become toxic. But at the same time I get adrenaline the first day and dopamine. At the moment I'm frustrated with co-op play and games as a way to get inspired. I didn't find it. I didn't do cardio for 3 months and the game didn't help me.

I used to be very afraid of disappointing my patreons, so I always tried very hard to get as much done as possible. The quality bar is constantly rising and so is the time I spend on details. It becomes more difficult to produce more content and meet deadlines. I remember how worried I was when people unsubscribed. While I was in multiplayer I forgot about these fears. But by putting things off, they will not do themselves.

I had problems with digestion and still have them, I saw a doctor. Bottom line - I just eat 5-6 small meals and it’s easier for me. I saw a psychologist again, but to no avail. I found pills that help me with insomnia. but they work within 2-4 days.

I watched the cartoon Bojack Horseman. The situation is similar. The change does not have the best consequences. When I went 3 months without stress from work and tried to be positive. I couldn't work. And he filled the void with a multiplayer game. Without purpose and end.

I have to thank Patreons for their financial support. WHEN I was an ordinary developer of simple games, it was a real production hell with work at a financial loss. After which I became so nervous. I want to say that I search the Internet from time to time for screenshots and comments on my game. Let this not be a strong fuel for work. But it pleases me. After I finish what I did, under stress, pain and fatigue. I don't feel happy. I don't see any joy in my game. And only sometimes, when I don’t look at my work for a long time, I can see what I’ve done without stress. And ask. “I did this? It looks cool, why haven’t I seen this before? Why did I stop working, because this is cool” The situation when I don’t feel love for my work will always return, because when I work a lot. Know. I'm stressed. I convince myself that HURT is a test, “Hate” makes me stronger. That's how I work. And after a month of idleness, I open my work again and ask myself, did I really draw this? Me .

The stress is back. The slogan “HURT and HATE” is the way of my life, through pain and hatred to move towards the goal you will receive content and I will become closer to the goal, after which I will not need anything else. I don't want to be weak. I don’t want to be a parasite and a deceiver. I will use the resources that are available and work.