Space Explorers : A Matter of Honour (Patreon)

*swoosh*

"Number one, status."

"Essentially we have lost the ship Captain. Even the heavy phaser rifles you had stashed in the base of your dildo display cabinet were of minimal use."

"Dammit, I thought those would help."

"Earlier perhaps ma'am, even at full power all they do is stun one of the infestees, when there were just a handful of them then yes they would have turned the tide. Which is why the one that infected Kristen sealed off the armoury as soon as it could. Now there are too many of them and we completely drained the power packs to little effect. It didn't help that they are so hard to hit."

"Shit. Recommendations?"

"Well we could throw dildos at them, we have no shortage of those."

"Or I could just shove the entire display case up your arse. Not helping Mr Turdok."

"Sorry Captain. I really don't see that we have any choices left. The ship is under the control of an unknown and possibly hostile alien species, we are probably already outnumbered, our weapons are useless and we have absolutely no realistic way of retaking the ship. I recommend setting the self destruct and order the remaining crew to abandon ship."

"I wish I could disagree with you .... computer this is captain Sarah Feldman, set auto destruct."

# Con....con...con...confirm...firm.firm...irm... I'm afraid ....... my mind is going ... I can sing .... a song ... for you ..... #

"Computer! Report! Turdok what's happening?!"

"I don't know! Diagnostics ... are not engaging."

# Daisy, Daisy, give me ..... your answer do...... I'm half crazy ...... all for the ....... love of you ..... oooooooooohhhhhhhh yyyyeeeeeeeEEESSSSSSSS!!!#

"What. The. Fuck!"

"Computer is down."

"Oh you're fucking kidding me. You mean I can't even fucking blow up my own fucking ship??!!!???"

"We have lost all computer functions Captain."

"Do what you can, I'm going to be in my ready room having a tantrum."

*swoosh*