My State of Affairs, 2023 (Patreon)

I'm not dying or anything, I just don't exactly know what to call this. So. I've pre-written this whole thing for all of you and you can read it if you want, but, should you not wanna deal with me being excessive. I've made a TL;DR.

1. That Biden College Debt Relief is gonna come in hard, and if I’m lucky I can possibly beat all my debts within a year or two.
2. Friend of the Patreon Juska and I have talked about doing a Comic together, it’s not for sure if its gonna happen, but, if it does we’ll let you know and probably do a thing with it. It’ll be fun, promise.
3. I’m gonna be hard focusing on either learning to properly paint, or 3d modelling and such. One of the two, and I’m leaning toward the 3d.
4. I may move again in like, 2 years. Maybe 3. If work and cash allows. Should point 1 work out, I may be able to move into being a homeowner. Eventually.
5. I plan on going to Anthrocon in 2023, I’ll talk more about it when we get closer to the day.
6. Also. I turn 30 next year. Woo.

If you want more detail, well continue reading

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This might seem like a really long and rambling kind of post, but I figure it might be best to go that way with things as I attempted to come up with some prim and proper letter of what I’ve got going on and how I feel, and that was a week ago with me making no progress. So, I think going more stream-of-consciousness with this is probably far better. Prepare for that. 

I’ve told a story before a while back about the first time I got out of Bronze and Silver with League of Legends. At the time, I’d played the game for years and despite everything never really got out of Bronze. I usually played alone just doing my own thing and working on mastering the game in my own way then whatever was considered the ‘best’ or ‘most efficient’. I had more fun that way. Yet, even so the feeling of malaise, of things not mattering. Of a constant spinning of the wheel would creep over me. At the time I was in college and I despite my best efforts couldn’t get an internship, the field I wanted to go into seemed more and more of an impossibility despite it being in tech. If only for me. I guess. Then again it might have honestly been that I had no true interest in it. Now that I think about it.

In a sense, I think I was depressed. I didn’t know what I was doing, who I was… or what I even cared about. It was the pale. Like being lost in an ever bright light, unable to see, and painful despite shutting your eyes to it. I figured my life may well be going nowhere while others in similar situations would find a way to rise above it. Then, that night, when near it’s worst. I won 5 games in a row and hit Silver. In all of two minutes I was calling myself the fucking best. In three, I was yelling I could do anything… and have ridden that high for years. Not because I won, but because I did it in a way I wanted too. In a sense, it was almost proof that despite doing things my own way, not following the proper metas or doing what I ‘should’ do.

I can still make it. Even if only a little. 

I’ve stuck too that. It even shows in my art. I don’t really do fan art, or stuff to get a wide audience. I do what I want because it’s fun. Because I like it, and because art is best when your heart is in it. A lot of artists can fall into depression from that kind of shit you know. Feeling like all their artist friends are leaving them behind, like they aren’t improving or making an impact. People are out there getting fucked up because the algorithm is telling them they’re shit. They start doing things to get people looking, try and get the electro-chemistry humming. They lose sight of themselves.

Me? I’ve never been there. Too driven by my own bullshit. Too high on my own supply. I’ve always constantly pushed myself. I’ve changed my art style completely because I wanted to do something or focus on some small tenant of it. In that sense. Doing what I want, Making it even though  I’ve done ‘nothing right’ has become my ideal in a way. A selfishly ‘Sinatra’ like set of superficial hang  ups. Ones that despite everything I can’t break, possibly out of my own stubborn pride or the fact that if I can do it once, I can do it again and to stay the course.

You may be asking why I’m being so introspective, well. February 26th of 2023 is my 30th birthday. I guess in a sense part of me is worried that this ‘big milestone’ as society has outlined for us will pass me by like many birthdays before it. ‘It’s all the same, and that’s a shame.’ That’s all.. Another ‘season of me falling out of Silver and having to work my way back in from Bronze’. Without question, though out of everything that has happened and could happen. I will certainly say that starting the patreon was, honest to god, the best decision I could have made. It really helped having all of you along for the ride. Supporting me with not just your words, but, also your money. Covid was a motherfucker and you guys really came through for me at that time when I was doing all those reward sketches.

Truth is. I love you guys, all of you who have supported me. I appreciate it so much you can’t even imagine. Even though I say it so rarely. It really means a lot to me to have you all here. I’m not the kind of person who can meme and chat up a storm, making everyone have a good time with my Charisma; neither a skilled artist who with every stroke illuminates the minds of all their followers. Yet,  you stay with me even now. 

My life will be changing soon. That Biden College Debt relief money is going to be wiping out pretty much over half the debt I have, I’ll have about 10,000 dollars left I have to pay… and with my car having about the same in price to pay off, it got me really thinking. If I worked hard I could pay both off in, like, 2 years. If not sooner if I gave it my all. If you have been in this patreon long enough, if you’ve ever talked to me while doing art, hell if you’ve seen me play League of Legends, You already know what I chose to do.

I’m giving it my fucking all. 

I did the math. If I do 3 sketch commissions a week at around 25 dollars every month I will make enough money to pay that bill off by the end of the year. So. I’m going to do that. At the beginning of next year. On the first weekend. On my normal streaming day (If my job doesn’t change my schedule) I’m going to yell out on Twitter, in the discord, everywhere, that I’m accepting Sketch Commissions and basically just do them all day. So if you were sad you never go the chance to get in on those patreon rewards I was doing. Prepare yourself, because your chance is coming soon. More likely then not I won’t get them all done that day… and that of course happens. But, it doesn’t mean I won’t try. Taxes will suck, but that’s expected. 

Second, my good friend Juska was talking about making a comic, and I, being the amazing friend I am, volunteered to help if he ever decided to go through with it. So that might be a thing soon should it ever come to pass. All this to say

Finally, I am planning on doing one of two things next year and sticking to it. It will either be Painting, or doing 3d. I’ve said for years I’ve wanted to do one or the other and it’s time I put up or shut up. I’m leaning towards spending the rest of my time learning 3d. I’ll probably do some things here or there, but mostly I’m going to be sticking to either of those things. So… I won’t be doing much ‘normal commissions’ for a while. I understand this could be considered a large change of pace, but I really want to do it and improve myself in a way that not only stands out, but will allow me to, maybe tell stories and things in a better way. My art at the moment is amazing for pin ups and some comics… but it’s not what I want for my own stories. So. I’m going to be working on myself in that sense. I hope that despite everything, you will continue to support me going forward. Also. If I go the 3d route, you better believe I’ll fucking release models for you guys to meme around with. If I get good enough.

Hell, I might even work on my own comics given time, and should I ever do so I’ll probably change the patreon to have it be that patrons get to see early issues and pages or something, but, I’m not there yet. I’ve also been thinking about making a big old lore book for settings of mine for everyone to read and just mess around with. The ideas in my mind continue to swirl and the harder I try to grasp at them the faster they slip from my grasp. I guess that just comes with being an adult and living out on your own ya’konw?

I’ll also probably be moving in the next year or two, I’m honestly not to sure right now, but all that is is more incentive to get those debts paid off so I can be free and clear to possibly just… straight out buy a house ya’know? Like. If I didn’t have a car payment and the like I could honest to god probably pay a mortgage. It’s a lot to think about, and its all possible. In two years time I want to be able to do what I did those years ago. Despite everything, the set backs the uselessness I feel. I want to be able to stand tall and yell that I’m the best again. That I’ve gotten past where I was and pushed through the bullshit, the meta, the stuff that doesn’t matter.

Anyway. I think that’s all. Thank you for reading all of this drivel. It means a lot to have you on this journey with me and I really hope you’ll continue to do that as I putz around and figure myself out.

Oh. Also. I believe I have enough of my money together that I can go to Anthrocon next year. I’ll update you all on that one later. Ya’know. When we get there.