A Pirate's Life For Me (Patreon)

A request for CallieQ! I hope you enjoy it! Our winner for March-April is Loor! Please contact me with your request!

Shouting filled the air as the Scarecrow came up next to their prey, gang planks and grappling hooks thrown across to keep the hapless sailors from escaping. Dread Pirate Kakashi surveyed the scene with a stoic face. This was a royal ship. Doubtless it’d have a fine hoard of treasure to plunder. His crew was going to be living well for the next month.

“Hey, Cap’n?”

Kakashi looked down at the call of Naruto, one of his best, who looked confused and a bit upset.

“Something wrong?” Kakashi asked dryly.

“Yeah, there’s no treasure on the ship.”

Kakashi’s brow furrowed in confusion. “No treasure? It’s a royal ship! What do you mean there’s no treasure?”

“There’s nothing in the hold ‘cept fancy clothes in a trunk,” Naruto informed him.

Kakashi frowned, his expression hidden by the fabric of his mask. Looked like he’d have to climb aboard himself and see just what was going on.

He made his way across the gangplank, ignoring the rowdy fighting between his crew and the sailors. He made his way towards the captain’s quarters. It was locked from the outside. If Kakashi knew one thing, it was that if a room was locked from the inside, that meant someone was hiding inside. But if it was locked from the outside, that meant someone wanted to keep whatever was inside safe.

He turned to Naruto with a wink. “Looks like the captain wanted to keep the treasure all to himself.” He turned a bit more, calling out into the din. “Sasuke! I’ve got a lock for you to pick.”

Sasuke slipped out of the frey, shouts of panic coming from a man in a uniform far fancier than the other sailors. Ah, there was the captain.

“Sakura, take care of the captain,” Kakashi called.

“Aye, Cap’n!” Sakura shouted, fist colliding with the captain’s jaw before she’d even finished acknowledging Kakashi’s order.

Sasuke had the lock picked within a matter of moments, scoffing. “You need to find me more interesting locks to pick. That was boring.”

“Well, we’ll see how boring it was once we open the door,” Kakashi said with a hint of playfulness.

He turned the handle, letting it fall away from his hand as he pushed the door ajar. What he found did not sparkle like gold, nor glitter like jewels. What he found was draped in wine-colored silks and glared at him with garnet-colored eyes. What he found stood protectively over a cowering sailor with a scar across his nose. What he found threw a half-empty wine bottle at him, which is deftly dodged, letting it shatter behind him.

“That’s not treasure!” Naruto complained. “It’s just some lady!”

Kakashi took in the long, brown hair and all the feathers that adorned it. “That’s not just some lady, Naruto. That’s Prince Obito’s new fiancee.”

“I have a name!” She spat, scowling at Kakashi.

“Aye, I know,” he said mildly. “Karasuno Kourubi, princess of Tori no Kuni. The latest in Obito’s long line of hostage brides.”

“If you know that, then you know I’d rather not be in this predicament,” Kourubi said, anger dropping to a simmer. “If you wouldn’t mind killing me, that’d be fantastic.”

“Don’t!” The captain shouted at Kourubi from beneath Sakura’s grapple. “Any mark on you means the King and Prince will have both our heads!”

The princess didn’t acknowledge the captain, her steady, garnet gaze on Kakashi.

“Now now, there’s a dearth of perfect breasts in the world,” Kakashi said, leering at Kourubi. “It’d be a shame to ruin yours.”

Kourubi didn’t take the bait, simply shrugging. “Then how about you pass me a dagger and I’ll slit my own throat.”

Kakashi eyed her, contemplatively. He’d heard the women of Tori no Kuni cherished their freedom, but to prefer dying to living in restrictive luxury...he’d never seen a princess quite like her. And he’d seen many hostage brides pass through the gates of Sharingan no Kuni.

Granted, he’d seen just as many coffins come out of King Madara’s court as he’d seen princesses go in. Perhaps this princess simply wished to expedite her fate.

“How about we do this, instead,” Kakashi offered, letting himself smile. “We know that there’s something in Tori no Kuni that Prince Obito -- or, more likely, his uncle the king -- wants. And he’s going to use the marriage with you to get it. Do I got that right?”

Kourubi simply nodded, eyes trained on the blade at Kakashi’s hip.

“Well, it’s not really your fault if you get kidnapped and...ravished by pirates, right? And no fancy man like Prince Obito is going to want a ruined bride, is he?”

Kourubi’s eyes narrowed. “Where are you going with this, Dread Pirate Hatake Kakashi?”

“Ah! So you know who I am! Excellent, that makes things easier,” Kakashi said flippantly. “What I’m saying is, if I kidnap you...Prince Obito won’t have any desire to get you back once you somehow escape and make your way back to Tori no Kuni.”

“You’d...you’d do that for me?” Kourubi looked like she didn’t quite believe it. Kakashi really couldn’t blame her. He was a pirate after all, they weren’t always known for keeping their word. But dammit if Kakashi didn’t want to help her, especially if it meant pissing Obito off.

“Well, to be fair, you are the only treasure on this ship,” Kakashi said. “It’d be a shame if I walked away from here with nothing to show for it.”

Kourubi nodded. “Fine. But he comes with me.”

She pointed to the sailor behind her. Kakashi eyed him curiously.

“Who’s the cabin boy?” he asked.

“He’s a navigator,” Kourubi corrected. “And he’s the only decent man on this ship. He was put in here to guard me, so if you kidnap me and leave him behind, he’s bound to be punished. And I won’t allow that.”

The man looked at the princess with something akin to awe. Kakashi smirked at how obviously the little navigator was in love with the princess. Poor man.

“Sure. I’ll even ravish him, if you’d like.”

The navigator yelped indignantly. Kourubi just smirked.

“Now that would be an interesting show.”

“Your Highness!” the navigator protested, face flushing a brilliant red.

“Calm yourself, Iruka,” the princess said. “He won’t be ravishing either of us until he woos us properly.”

“Are you certain of that?” Kakashi teased as the princess marched forward, practically dragging the navigator behind her.

“Absolutely,” she assured him confidently.

“You won’t get away with this so easily,” the royal captain shouted. “I’ll report to Prince Obito! He’ll know you ran away! He’ll know you won’t actually have been soiled!”

“Will he now?” Kourubi said coldly, eyes burning with a barely-contained rage. She reached for Kakashi’s belt, drawing his dagger.

Before anyone could stop her, Kourubi took the dagger and sliced at her own jaw, cutting across it deep enough to leave a scar.

“Ask the prince tyrant how spoiled he likes his goods.”

Kakashi reached up, taking her hand gently in his own, removing the dagger from her grip. “Come now, princess. There’s no need to mar your pretty face any more than necessary. Sakura. Do what you can for her wound.”

“Aye, Cap’n.”

“We’re shoving off!” Kakashi shouted to his crew. “Grab what you can and lets get the fuck out of here.”

He quickly walked across the gangplank, turning back to help Princess Kourubi down.

“Thank you,” she murmured. “If it weren’t for you, I might have taken my own life on my wedding night. I’ll make sure you’re richly rewarded when we return to Tori no Kuni.”

Kakashi smirked roguishly at her, though she couldn’t see it through his mask. “Are you sure you can’t reward me before then?”

Kourubi flashed him a smirk of her own. “Like I said, Captain, I expect us to be wooed.”

“Us?” Kakashi echoed.

Kourubi reached back, linking arms with Iruka the Navigator, whose face only got redder. “Let’s just say I might already be a bit soiled.”

Kakashi laughed. “Oh, Your Highness, I have a feeling we’ll get along just fine.”