December Status Update and Plans (Patreon)

Short summary;

-I will be taking a break on the 19th for at least a week. Content uploads will slow at that point until the new year.

-I will continue working on patreon content and comms until the 19th

-Despite how stressed I get, I still am extremely grateful for all the support you all give me.

So, it’s almost the end of the year, and after going through multiple meltdowns these last few months and ALMOST having another today, I figured I should take stock of things and try to piece together where I am as a person, an artist, a content creator, and whatever other labels you can slap on someone.

When I take a step back, the amount of success I’ve had overall this year is incredible. At the start of the year, I barely ever did comms and didn’t run a patreon and was kind of aimless in my overall ambitions with art. Yeah I draw a lot but I didn’t draw toward a specific goal other than the vague idea of ‘be good at art’. Circumstance (read: my parents yelling at me to make money and move out) is what drove me to start a Patreon. I really didn’t like the idea of it at first, and there are still elements of it I’m not crazy about, but overall I think it’s been a very positive change in my life. Starting the patreon discord was something I was super anxious about but it's been a lovely place for me to chill and interact with friends and fans, something I often don’t have time to do one on one these days.

Oh and it makes me nearly $1000 a month already, which is pretty nice too.

But I’ll be real; you know the fucked up part of that? You know what really makes me step back and realize how easy it is to become warped by all this? That sum of money still doesn’t feel like ‘enough’, and it flips from being a source of pride to anxiety at the drop of a hat.

This year has been a dizzying rollercoaster of emotions. I’ve experienced tremendous heights of success, the idea that I know exactly what to do, to feeling like I have a place with my art and people who wanna see and support it. And then in less than a week, I can feel like I’m totally hopeless, that I’m a washed up fraud, that everyone really hates me. It's ridiculous the pace at which my brain can flip flop between these states. But that’s what happens when you always compare yourself to others and measure your success in whatever seemingly tangible way you can find. And for me, the lows way outweigh the heights; there was a period where I earned like $300 on new patrons in the span of a week or so and my brain was just like ‘well that’s cool, better work hard not to lose them’. Then this month when I dropped $150 on the patreon, my brain goes ‘it's over, you suck, everything you do is boring and banal’.  It's all a bit absurd, but when you’re trying to make this your living, and when you have no support from your actual family, it’s really easy to become despondent over it.

But that’s why it's all the more important to take stock of what I do have; which is a lot of people who love my work, people who support it, friends who encourage me, and skilled peers who help me to improve my craft. These are things tons of artists out there experience far less than me, and some don’t get it at all. I can’t take that for granted; it's a disservice to both myself and those who care about me.

Which is why, paradoxically, the best thing I can probably do right now is be kinder to myself.

My little sister, one of my closest friends, is going to be visiting home for the first time in 2 years. She’s going to be here for over a week, and I was wracking my brain trying to figure out how to balance work with spending time with her. Ultimately, I’ve come to the conclusion that at least for this month, I need to not obsess about work. I need to enjoy my time with her and take things at a slower pace.

So what does that mean? Well, I’m still gonna be drawing up until she gets here, and maybe a bit when she is here as well, but I’m going to try to be kinder to myself. I’m not gonna stress over the numbers and the money and everything else. I’ll keep working on art for clients, patrons, and friends. I’ll do my best to make it stuff you all can enjoy. But I don’t think beating myself up over the quality of my work is really gonna benefit anyone at this moment.

When 2024 comes around, I want it to be the best year I’ve ever had as an artist. I want to create even more, make things that are more ambitious. I have a lot of plans, and I’m tired of doubting myself so much. If you’ve read this far, thank you, it's very sweet that you care about my words this much. I always appreciate all the support I get from people; even if it's difficult to show it these days just due to how busy I can be. It's super easy to get caught up in ever-increasing numbers but the thing that ultimately makes me happiest is the idea that my art is enjoyable and maybe even inspiring to some of you.

Thank you, and keep being creative! And also weird! Cause I definitely am…