Fila's Brain Isn't Good (Patreon)

Its time for another 'Fila uses a bunch of words to try to justify her performance' moment.

So far a lot of this year I've been struggling a lot and I don't think that's exactly a secret. Its been hard for me to stay motivated to draw; despite this, I have still been forcing myself to draw everyday (aside from one day where I was literally sick). The reasons for this are multitude, and I'll kind of briefly touch on them below.

First, there's all the stuff going on with websites like Twitter and Deviantart that just makes doing my job harder. Feeling like you really don't have a comfortable, stable platform to share content on with a large audience is difficult. I'm sure many other artists in this community understand this though. They also understand the struggles with coping with AI art and its interference in culture and work. These aren't problems unique to me, we're all going through that. We all have to find ways to deal with it.

But what complicates all this for me is that my parents are... not super great when it comes to a lot of things. Combine this with my disability makes it hard to not be a disappointment for them. They are expecting me to make a lot more money this year, so I'm under a great deal of stress trying to make that happen. I can't work many 'normal' jobs due to disability so drawing online is basically my only way to make cash. Basically, I need to make more money consistently, and am under pressure to do that via art.

So all the problems going on in the world just complicate that. It doesn't help that I can't really figure out what to do with the Patreon: a lot of people leave no matter what kind of content I try to make. I don't blame people for not supporting me if they no longer wish too or can't; that's entirely their choice. However, my inability to appeal to people is causing me a great deal of stress which just makes working even more difficult.

Basically, I just have a lot of difficult thoughts and emotions going on right now due to life and money. This is compounded by my desire to always do my best work and really improve as an artist. I don't like to rush or half-ass things, which is making stuff take even longer. I keep falling behind on obligations because I don't feel 'good enough' to do them without practicing a bunch first.

I'm not sure if all this rambling even really helps anything... I thought it might clarify stuff but I kind of am just in a mental tangle now. I'm gonna keep working and trying to improve and all that stuff, but I'd be lying if I said things were very clear right now.

I guess I'll end this buy saying I always appreciate the genuine love and support you guys give me in whatever way you can. Part of why I hate venting about any of this is that it feels very selfish. I hate that I can look at all the support I get and think 'this isn't enough'. Cause for me, personally, it is more than enough. I don't need more emotional validation. I am showered in a huge amount of praise, and I know people do care about my work. I hate that I can acknowledge that, appreciate that, and still have to say to myself 'but it won't be enough to satisfy my life circumstance.'

I dunno... art and mental health stuff are hard. If any artists out there have advice on improving patreon stuff and what makes people wanna join and stay in it, that could maybe help. But I'm really just vomiting all this out to kind of just clear my brain out and get back to work. Sorry, this probably has not ended up being very coherent.