FAILED PROJECT FRIDAY: More defunct pitches for DIRTY PAIR short stories (pt. 2 of 4)! (Patreon)

As I flailed about desperately for a post this morning, I dug up an old Word doc from the early 2000s which rattled off 13 different plots for Dirty Pair stories, back when I had access to the DP English-language license and was trying to get something new off the  ground with Dark Horse. After a grueling and unpleasant experience  grinding out the artwork for the final published DP miniseries, Run from the Future, I no longer had any interest in drawing the Lovely Angels' adventures, but was very much interested in writing more  such stories. Needless to say, this effort came to naught for a number of different reasons I don't have the time to detail this morning.

BTW, the image in the gallery above was drawn by my old buddy and frequent collaborator Rick Mays (Livewires, Gen13) and colored by another frequent collaborator, Ryan Kinnaird:

I'd hoped to get either Rick or Ryan approved to draw Dirty Pair stories written by me, but that effort went nowhere.

And now, on to more unused synopses for DP short stories that never came to be, interspersed with more Rick & Ryan art:

“COLLECTIVELY UNCONSCIOUS”

Using great stealth, Kei and Yuri have slipped onto a big ol’ inhabited comet, whose nucleus of “dirty ice” is host to a termite-nest-like maze of pressurized caves and tunnels. (Unlike the “forested” and shield-enclosed cometary habitat in Run from the Future, this colony still looks like an actual comet, complete with “dirty iceberg” appearance, gaseous “coma,” multiple, glowing “tails” and such.) This comet houses an enclave of thousands of humans, gene-altered “posthumans” and mecha, all of whom are part of a vast collective intelligence. Its myriad hosts wired together by cybernetic neural interface, this self-aware mass mind uses millions of individual minds throughout the nearby locale as “neurons” in its network. (Working title for the group mind: the “Preferred Consensus,” or “PC” for short.)

The Dirty Pair have stolen on board the comet habitat to extradite a heavy-duty war criminal, a vile fellow who has fled into the Preferred Consensus’s collective mental embrace to evade prosecution for his genocidal acts. As stealthily as possible, using an array of sneaky, high-tech gadgetry (such as holographic camouflage), Kei and Yuri manage to slip unseen through the habitat and locate their genocidal prey. Using complex cyberware, they try to slip the war criminal out of the PC’s vast neural network, leaving a

“dummy construct” in his place. Alas, much like Indiana Jones trying to replace that golden idol with the bag o’ sand, things don’t quite work out. The Preferred Consensus becomes aware of the DP’s transgression, and is very, very displeased about it.

With the dazed war criminal in tow, Kei and Yuri try to flee back to the comet’s surface, where their namesake spaceship Lovely Angel awaits. Fleeing an angry mass mind is quite difficult, since what one of them sees, they all see… Plus, unlike Star Trek’s not-terribly-well-thought-out Borgs, the mass mind’s members are terrors in battle. Every one of the PC’s multitudes shares the advanced fighting skills of one martial arts-trained member; even worse, due to their collective consciousness, they can fight with a unity that would make a Spartan phalanx seem pathetic and disorganized.

Using high-tech (non-lethal) weaponry aplenty, as well as their own impressive fighting skills, Kei and Yuri manage to cut a fair swath through the ranks of the Preferred Consensus… All for naught, in the end. Exhausted, outgunned, grotesquely outnumbered, the Lovely Angels are eventually overpowered and brought down. While the war criminal is wired back up into its neuroelectronic embrace, the mass mind prepares to execute the trespassing Angels. To Yuri’s (seeming) chagrin, Kei goads the PC into trying to assimilate them into its collective consciousness. “Whassa matter?” Kei jeers. “Can’t your big ol’ mass mind handle little ol’ us?” The PC, apparently having the ego (if not the wisdom) of a million men, takes her up on this challenge.

Predictably, things get wacky once Kei and Yuri are neuroelectronically jacked into the Preferred Consensus network; suddenly, bizarrely, their personalities start replicating like wildfire throughout the collective awareness, expanding until the mass mind is dominated by thousands and thousands of copies of the Dirty Pair! AIEEE! As you can probably figure out, our heroines equipped themselves with “sabotage software” in case the Preferred Consensus tried to absorb them. Yuri did want to avoid this circumstance, however, due to the possibility of what happens next…

All of the cometary habitat’s myriad critical systems, formerly being run by the PC’s trained elements, now begin to fail as thousands of chaotic Kei and Yuri “cyberclones” replace them. Further out from the suddenly-crippled comet, adjoining parts of the mass mind throughout the local volume of space suddenly go haywire. In the end, Kei and Yuri escape with their war criminal target, but utter havoc sweeps the system as everything flies out of control… Oops.

“YOU CAN’T STOP KEI, YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN HER”

(A cheesy ESPN reference, as well as an entirely unworkable title. I’ll think of something better, eventually. I hope.) The following “double synopsis” includes two rather different variations on the same theme, namely the aftermath of Kei getting either badly maimed or actually killed. Despite grim opening sequences, both stories are fairly lightweight and whimsical in the end. Really.)

In version A), Kei is horrendously burned in a brief, if spectacular, opening action sequence. Cut to a fluidic “chemwomb” tank in a 3WA-run medical facility, where 22nd-century technology is slowly restoring the ruins of Kei’s hideously burnt body. Now, since her brain and neural-interface cyberware remain intact, Kei would normally be “jacked in” to weeks of VR interactive simulations as her body is laboriously regenerated; but, since Kei is (like many happenin’ kids of her generation) contemptuous of sustained VR immersion, this isn’t an option. “Any loser geek can be a gorgeous superagent in a simulation,” she opines electronically to Yuri. “I’m a gorgeous superagent in real life, damn it! I’m all about The Real, y’know?”

So, giving in to her partner’s craving for real sensation, the soft-hearted Yuri allows Kei to neuroelectronically piggyback onto her sensorium, so that Kei shares all her sensory perceptions (and can talk to her at all times via comlink). Needless to say, effectively having two minds connected to her body gets old fast for Yuri. Kei wheedles and begs her into eating her favorite foods, listening to her favorite music, getting drunk for her, and worse… With Kei perpetually commenting on everything in Mystery Science Theatre 3000 fashion, everyday activities become almost impossible for Yuri; when she finally allows Kei full control of her body while she sleeps, disaster almost strikes… “You are NOT going to use MY body to sleep with that JACKASS, Kei.” All kinds of wackiness ensues, before Kei’s body recovers fully; then, it’s time for Yuri’s revenge…

In version B), a similar opening action sequence results in death, not injury, for the hapless Kei. Luckily, a full personality construct and tissue samples of her are kept on file, so the 3WA can speedily “vatgrow” a memory-intact clone of the deceased Angel as necessary. This time, however, the 3WA’s techs are trying out a new technique, which will result in her clone body growing and developing at a rate equivalent to one year per day, while her personality construct’s mind is gradually (and chronologically) integrated with her body’s maturation. In effect, Kei gets to (arguably) grow up again, this time over a space of nineteen days. This time, however, a new “mommy” is responsible for her growth: Yuri!

Instant motherhood, Yuri discovers, isn’t much fun. As Kei races through her stages of physical development, as well as (arguable) mental and emotional growth, Yuri does her best to cope. (“I could barely deal with you being twelve years old back when I was twelve! AARGH!”) This time, nineteen years really DO pass like nineteen days for “mommy,” who ends up VERY glad that her baby’s all grown up… It’s wacky, kids.

“I ALONE SUIT YOU” (or, “SUIT TO KILL”)

This story hinges on the nature of the Dirty Pair’s trademark skimpy costumes, which Run from the Future revealed to be made of “smartcloth”, a computer-controlled nanofoam material capable of morphing into clothing of any kind (by altering its colloidal structure, changing its density by aeration, etc.). In fact, in T2 “liquid metal” fashion, their “smartsuits” are stored as fluids in containers of various sizes: 20 oz. for the standard morphable “chrome bikini” size, three liters for larger-mass versions capable of forming heavy armor, and so on. While referred to as “smartsuits,” this terminology usually means only that the costumes are capable of changing shape on command.

One of the DP’s spare outfits, however, becomes a literal “smartsuit” after exposure to a nanovirus during one of their adventures; weeks later, it becomes fully sentient and self-aware… and worse, obsessed with Yuri, its wearer. As we read the captions of its mental “diary,” it becomes increasingly jealous of not only the other smartsuits, but her other clothing (“Aren’t I clothing enough for you?”)… then bitter toward her male friends (“Don’t let his filthy hands touch your precious body, Yuri!”) …then finally becomes resentful of Kei…(“That little tramp NEVER treats you right. Oh, I know what her smartsuits whisper about her…”) Yes, Yuri is indeed being stalked by her own clothing.

Eventually, unhinged by obsession, the sentient garment blazes into action, kidnapping Yuri with its inescapable “restraint mode,” violently battling Kei when she tries to intervene (much like the sentient leather suit in Run from the Future #1). This all builds to a riveting finale, of course, full of warped pathos and violence. As you might think, this “self-aware bikini” premise provides many, many opportunities for crude humor and off-color jests. As the paragon of good taste and restraint that I am, of course, I shall endeavor to avoid these kinds of sniggering japes. Well, sort of.

UPDATE: In a wan attempt at Patron engagement, I might as well ask which story concept you fine folks might've preferred to see developed into an actual comic. Personally, I prefer the "YOU CAN'T STOP KEI" plot based mostly on the "writerly" opportunities for characterization, but you might well feel differently. Lemme know, won't you?

Anyhoo, that's three more Dirty Pair story concepts down, and still quite a few more left to go! I'll straggle out the rest of these puppies over the next month or so, okay? (I might take a break to tackle yet another defunct pitch in our next Failed-Project Friday.)

NEXT TIME ON THIS HERE PATREON: No idea, TBH, but something should be coming up in the next M/W/F slot. Let's find out together, shall we?