Bellflower Part 48 (Patreon)

In this installment, Deidre & Rachel finally get a chance to talk about everything going on, Holly tries once again to seek out some serenity, & Camille thinks she's being sweet.

Sorry, took a while because there was a lot of ground to cover in the main conversation here & I wanted to get the tone right. Don't know if I did, but I feel happy that I came somewhat close? I have more after this but that part was really hamstringing me for a bit.

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48

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“My mind’s just been… racing. I’ve been just… reeling. Non-stop.” The tall woman paced, lacking her usually professional demeanor. “There’s no conceivable way that she just up & left. She couldn’t have. Not in the space of only a day. And, hate to say it, but the way she was getting? Definitely not without much in the way of help either! Or at least anyone noticing.”

“Yeah it’s…” Rachel attempted to interject. It was meager. And immediately bulldozed.

“And I just… I keep thinking about that same thing happening. To Courtney. To my predecessor. To the whole slew of people I’ve seen come & go through here during my time working HR!” She paused to cup her forehead in her hand for a second. “Oh god. All the turnover! It should’ve been so fuckin’ obvious. And more than half the office out there right now? They’re all like well on their way? Duped into happily gorging themselves into oblivion!”

As comforting as she wanted to be in this situation, to Rachel, there was something a little extra disconcerting about Deidre’s particular brand of anxiety & overall… strung-out weariness. Having always been the very picture of composure, the apple-framed amazonian that was currently wearing a tread path in the floor along the far side of the desk now seemed almost broken. But then again, to her, there was also something vaguely reassuring about it too though. While dubious at first, Rachel always had the sense that Deidre was genuine in the way she cared for others. And seeing her eaten up like this, while disquieting, only kind of reinforced her level of authenticity.

“It’s…” Rachel managed even less of a foothold this time, timing it wrong as Deidre swung on her heel to reach down & punch her desk.

“How the fuck could I have been so goddamn oblivious?!” She growled. Rachel shot a look over her shoulder to see the eyes of Camille, Veronica, Andrea, & a few other members of the HR department looking their way before quickly darting in scattered directions. Turning back to consul, Rachel scooted forward, against her better judgment.

“Look, if you’re blaming yourself, stop!” Rachel was able to muster. “Just stop! Right this instant! Th-the obliviousness? The unflinching obedience? They’re all part of the stupid trance. A trance you didn’t even know you were under. It’s in no way your fau-”

“Do you have any idea just how many people that have come through here? If they had to move, I did nothing but talk the Bellflower up!” She asked, desperate to shoulder more blame. Not eager to get interrupted again, Rachel drooped with exacerbated frustration, trying to communicate volumes purely through a look. And part of her wanted to take credit as Deidre seemed to pause, but really, the taller woman just seemed a bit spent, drooping heavily into her chair. Even being a fancier, ergonomically model, it seemed to let out an exasperated creak. “So many people came & so many… went. It always felt so weird but…” She shook her head. “… I never did anything.” Finally, with enough room to get a word in edgewise, Rachel took her shot.

“Ya done?” It felt weird to assert herself this much to Deidre. It almost reminded her of the first time she mustered the courage to talk back to her mother as a teenager. Deidre looked up with wavering, red eyes, on the verge of tears, trying to piece together an expression of annoyance. But using that moment, Rachel leaned in just a little more. She had room to scoot a little further with how big her butt had been getting. “Look, I’m not going to pretend that if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t be going through the same level of guilt & turmoil here. But you have to remember that you are just a human being.” She said, with as much authority as she could. “And what’s ever going on? With the Bellflower? Or out in this office on everyone’s phones? Whether it’s whoever is behind Penny, or hell, Penny itself? It’s like specifically optimized, no. Weaponized to fuck with that!”

“What, like… our humanity?” Deidre asked. Unlike whenever Rachel bickered with Holly, it was almost a breath of fresh air to notice her words being considered. She softened her tone a little, now that she was sure she was being listened to.

“All the things that make us us.” Rachel shrugged. “That’s why it’s so goddamn insidious. Playing on all the things we do & want? It seems designed to make us feel like whatever it is it wants us to do is our own choice. Our own decision.” She finally sat back again, sighing softly. “All I know is, I could tell you were like… overly nice when I first met you. It was frankly a bit intimidating.”

“What…?” Deidre asked in a drawn out giggle, tears somewhat averted.

“I was so ready to come here & think everybody was just as fake as the crowd Holly used to hang with growing up.” Rachel admitted.

“And you’re not entirely wrong about some of the people around here.” Deidre seemed to poke in. Rachel didn’t follow it to be sure but thought the department head’s eyeline matched up with Veronica’s desk.

“Oh, undoubtedly.” Rachel amended. “But from that first brunch on, I could just tell you were not that. That you were the type of person that went out of their way to help people. To help out Holly. Or to help out me, who you didn’t even know.” Rachel took a second to laugh. “Thanks for the gig again, by the way.” Deidre retreated into something of a coy smirk. With the level of self-confidence she usually exuded, it felt like buttering her up a bit seemed the best tactic for helping to talk her down. “As far as you could tell, before realizing anything? You thought you were doing the best to help better people’s lives. Like on the outside, to most folks, the Bellflower would be a dream! And yeah, ok. You might’ve pointed a few people in the wrong direction, inadvertently. Sure. But A),” Rachel tapped her index finger against the palm of her other hand. “It’s not like they were incapable of making their own decisions. I mean at least in the first place with the information you gave them, versus… y’know, the whole mind control thing.” The point got away from her a little, hastening her follow up. “And B) it’s not like you would willingly do it still. I mean now that you’re no longer in its thralls?”

“What?! Fuck no!” She snapped quickly, offended & alarmed the idea would even be presented. “I’d give anything to shake some sense into these people! Pull them out of this! Kicking & screaming if need be. As crazy as it all is.”

“See? And there you have it.” Rachel gestured. “I know it’s hard, & I can’t believe I’m the one relaying this because I know I’d be worse of a mess, but you’re better than this! Stop with the self-flagellation already, okay?” Slowly, after a bit of consideration Deidre seemed to gather back some of that usual composure. After a bit of a nod & deep breath, her posture corrected a bit. She tried to smooth out the concert tee under her blazer a bit. It wasn’t a full reset, but she slowly seemed to be coming back.

“Still. Dawn-“ She sighed.

“She is… was… ech.” Rachel couldn’t decide on a tense, & noticed Deidre flinch when she relegated to past. “Dawn’s awesome. Probably the best boss I’ve had, by like a lot. Which both is & isn’t saying a lot, but still.”

“What do you mean by that?” Deidre furrowed. Rachel tried to use the opportunity to lighten the mood a little.

“You’ve seen my previous employment. It’s a lot in the sense I’ve worked for so many… dumdums.” She gestured to the side, mocking a scale with her hands. “But, on account of them all pretty much being dumdums…”

“The bar was kind of low?” Deidre filled in, rolling her eyes. Rachel broke the crude scale of her hands to gesticulate that Deidre got the point of what she was saying.

“I really don’t want to sound callous, because I actually really did enjoy the time I spent with her,” Rachel tried to walk the knife’s edge of present or past tense by keeping it entirely subjective & from her own perspective. Deidre seemed to appreciate it. “When I came in, she really helped me out & I’m forever grateful.”

“But…?” Deidre could sense it coming & decided to insert it herself. Even if only to move Rachel further along. Rachel took a second to sigh. There didn’t seem to be any reason to beat around the bush.

“She was already huge when I met her.” She finally blurted out. “Like, not trying to be catty. Or dismissive…”

“No, no.” Deidre tried to let her off the hook a bit. “She-” It seemed like the honesty made Deidre had to recalibrate a little. “Dawn, for the length of time I knew her, was never exactly thin. But even with blinders on,” she waved towards her phone, sitting on her desk. “You could tell she really… ballooned a bit ago. And she had been quite big. For a while.”

“And one of the things I always liked about her was her stubborn streak.” Rachel smiled. “She probably annoyed the hell out of Penny.” Deidre guffawed a bit. “Kept her going a bit longer maybe.”

“Maybe.” Deidre nodded.

“As crappy as this might sound,” Rachel hated to admit. “In terms of like… triage? In the office here, I’d subtly try to coax her to chill on a lunch order a bit. Maybe snag the last donut before she did.” She said, unwittingly showing the proof. “But it was never any use. I felt sort of… powerless, sitting there, slowly watching it happen.”

“You’re saying the writing was on the wall.” Deidre sighed, leaning back. Rachel’s eyes went to the side.

“I’m saying beyond forcibly wrestling shit out of her hands? I don’t know what else I could’ve done to prevent… any of this from happening. As shitty as this is.” Rachel said, tears welling. She was getting hit with her own wave of guilt, slumping in her chair. “Whatever this even is. It just sucks. A lot! I mean not knowing…?”

“I’m sure you did what you could,” Deidre assured, not too lost to realize the roles in this conversation were swapping a bit now. “I mean, speaking of being grateful, you managed to open my eyes to…all this. You stopped me from… well…”

“Heh, which brings us to Marissa.” Rachel sighed heavily after a brief pause. She tussled with whether to worry Deidre with it at all. But maybe it was best for her own sanity, just to vent.

“What?” It took her a moment, since it was so out of left field. ”Did she slip again?” Rachel took a deep breath, plugging away some of the moisture collecting in her eyes.

“No. But well, almost a little worse?” She didn’t know how to even articulate it. “It was my turn to check in on her this morning. And it’s like she’s on the verge of burning out, just trying to keep her weight where it’s at now.”

“Yeah I know it’s been tough for her to just keep… stable.” Deidre’s frame of reference was a bit skewed, having only gotten to know her after that last big slip.

“Fran too.” Rachel acknowledged. “But Fran’s like a machine. Marissa, on the other hand? Not so much.” There was no way to present it any nicer than how it immediately sounded to her. “She was proposing she let herself become a guinea pig. Saying she was too far along now, & thought if she just gave in, maybe she could somehow tell us what happens when…” She finished it with her hands expanding away from her body.

“What?! Oh fuck no!” Deidre seemed horrified. After all the tumult she’d been feeling Dawn’s disappearance, the very idea of knowingly blundering toward being disappeared was like a personal affront to her. “It sounds like she just found a way to justify giving up!”

“Agreed.” Rachel nodded. A long pause followed. “But even then, on the one hand though, as much as I hate to admit it,” she sighed. “I can almost see her point.”

“What?!” Deidre asked, getting loud again.

“Not saying I would just give up!” Rachel was quick to clarify. “Just that, if it’s that difficult for her just to maintain where she’s at? And we’re stalled out here, on info? On trying to change people’s minds? Like, what are we really doing here beyond maybe delaying the inevitable?” There was an encroaching nihilism that had taken over her brain after Marissa shared her brilliant plan.

“Oh god.” Deidre huffed avoidantly. “Please don’t. I can’t deal with that line of thinking! Not right this minute.”

“Heh, me neither.” Rachel shook her head, but realizing how stern Deidre was being, followed it up with a rapid “Sorry.” She splayed her hand over Deidre’s desk. “To be one hundred percent clear, I am not saying any of us give in. Including Marissa. I just… Dawn? Courtney? Seeing what’s happening to Holly? Hell, myself?! Even when I’m trying to pay close attention?” She said, giving her own soft middle a squeeze.

“You look fi-“ In knee jerk fashion, Deidre reflexively seemed to try to downplay the obvious, but a stern stare from Rachel stopped her, begging honesty. “Okay, yeah. I didn’t want to be rude, but you do seem… not by much, just…”

“See?” Rachel affirmed, her eyes rolling skyward with a sigh. “All I’m trying to say is things are only feeling like they’re getting worse. Something’s got to give. Marissa’s not wrong in that we really have to try something. Just not… what she’s floating.”

“We should all meet up again soon.” Deidre nodded.

“I already texted Fran & Mikayla about this morning a little after I got in.” Rachel agreed. “Mikayla responded exactly as grouchily as you’d expect when it comes to Marissa. And Fran hasn’t gotten back yet. Probably out on a run I’d guess. But yeah. We need to talk. Come up with a game plan…”

“Something.” Deidre emphatically affirmed, finishing Rachel’s trailing sentence. Their conversation feeling as though it was naturally winding down, both seemed to remember they were at work as the office continued to buzz outside. Rachel fought off a slight grunt as she exerted herself a little standing back up. “I’ll keep you posted,” Deidre sighed. “In case I find out anything more with Dawn.”

“Same.” Rachel nodded earnestly, smoothing the wrinkles from her tight outfit. She dipped her head & made it two steps to the door before realizing. “Oh um…”

“Oh, fuck!” Deidre jerked, her earlier unprofessional side resurfacing for just the briefest nanosecond.

“I hope this doesn’t sound like… craven but-“ Rachel tried to tread lightly.

“No!! No!“ Deidre jostled before cupping her forehead in her palm. “How could I completely fucking forget?!”

“Well… because everything’s a fuck.” Rachel shrugged, awkwardly smirking.

“Everything IS a fuck.” Deidre said, working the phrasing around a little in her mouth, appreciatively, as if it was new to her. Another window into how less terminally online she must’ve been than Rachel. “Regarding your department…” She deflated slightly. “I have to put on my company hat. Sorry.”

“Oh-“ Rachel said plainly.

“No! No! Nothing like that.” She tried to ease concerns.“Just want to talk to Trudy again before announcing anything in an official capacity. And it’s more about them than you!” Deidre seemed to want to assure. “Just seniority, you know? They have a longer tenure here. You know how short handed we are over there! We’re desperately looking for more people, but we’re really down to just the two of you. And while you’re the obvious choice, I just want to make sure we smooth things over, not upset them too much, & be sure we aren’t only left with you in that department. Does that sound-”

“Look, that’s totally fair.” Rachel sheepishly chortled, almost as if it were something of a stay of execution. “Push it off for as long as you need. So much going on. And I’ve been mulling it over. Don’t honestly know if I’m really managerial… material.” She slowed up, realizing the unintended rhyme a bit too late. Deidre snickered at the corner Rachel had painted herself into with her word choice.

“Well I have faith.” The tall woman smiled as Rachel blushed & continued to ease closer towards the glass door. Great, not only did she just make herself look foolish, but it sounded like Deidre wasn’t about to take no for an answer either. ”You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. That’s at least half the battle. Oh, & Rachel?”

“Yeah?” She asked with the door open, one foot already back outside.

“Thanks.” It was among one of the most earnest & sincere sounding ones Rachel had ever heard, let alone received.

“What are friends for?” Rachel gave a smirk.

In the end, Holly never did go for that walk.

By the time she finished the last of the lukewarm Taco Cantina, the sun was just a bit too high & things were getting just a bit too warm for her. She just knew walking the trail, even in just the short gap she could see, would leave her a hot, sticky mess. Still, she didn’t feel like she had adequately partook in quite enough nature just yet. Not to make this whole venture seem worth it. She had told Penny she was going back, & dammit, she was going to do just that!

Ultimately, she made it as far as stepping back out to wade her thick ankles in the lake for a moment. Holding her shoes, she kicked the cool water around, & tried not to pay attention to how heavily she seemed to seep into the sand.

It felt nice to stand there, just stand there. Feeling the water lap at her knees, the breeze through her hair, taking in the quiet serenity of the moment. It was close to perfect. If only her lunch hadn’t left her feeling kind of full. In a way that was a bit uncomfortable. But somewhat more notably, her appetite was gone again. Again, for the first time since the events of yesterday, & before that, ages, she felt… sated. She had grown so used to that weird, constant, dull, urge. It had become like the background radiation of her life. And now, for the briefest moment, it wasn’t there. And something about that was almost a little… freeing.

The lake water certainly wasn’t salty, but that dank scent of wet sand tickled her nose. Holly closed her eyes, felt the warm sun on her pasty skin & took a big, deep breath. As she respired, her gut heaved, causing her thick arms to raise & lower with it slightly with it. With her eyes shut, she was somehow more acutely aware of how even with them down at her sides, her hands were so far apart from one another. Her arms hanging off her hips at a pretty wide angle. That’s when the vision of her stepping out of that stall hit her once again.

Holly was fat. Of that, she was certain. But what bothered her a lot more was the fact that she no longer seemed to have an exact handle on exactly how fat that was. Feeling her hands, sticking out at such obtuse angles, flapping against soft hips that felt a mile wide? Like the reflection she saw yesterday, it concerned her. And made Rachel’s nagging seem to make a lot more reasonable in hindsight. She felt… huge. Far bigger than she realized. And sure, even that her, the “smaller Holly” had trouble squeezing her fat ass into work clothes & stuff. But it was a far cry from what this felt like. This was quickly approaching Courtney levels of-

“WHEEEEWHOOOOOHWHEEEEWHOOOOOHWHEEEEWHOOOOOH” The gentle serenity of the lake was suddenly cut by Holly’s car alarm triggering. She fiddled for her keys, in her pockets. The material, pulled so tightly over her form, took a great deal of effort to dig into, the alarm sounding all along. In the distance, Holly swore she heard a faint “what the fuck?” It involuntarily made her cry “Sorry!” as she fumbled. And in fumbling, she nearly dropped her key ring into the lake.

“Eh-Gah!!” She teetered, bobbling to juggle the keys, her meaty paws trying to snag them before they landed in the murky sand she was kicking up, while also desperately trying not to drop her shoes either.

“WHEEEEWHOOOOOH” the alarm still obnoxiously blared. She just managed to get the tip of her pinky through the loop of the key ring mid juggle.

“Crap crap crap!” She muttered, fumbling for the button, only to tap it & get no response. “D’fuck?!” She pounded it a few more times. To no avail.

“WHEEEEWHOOOOOHWHEEEEWHOOOOOH” It mocked her, forcing her to plod closer to the shore. It wasn’t turning off, as she reached the edge of the water.

“Penny!” Holly screamed, almost reflexively, hoping she could hear it & stop it. But once again, without a phone, she was reminded how far she was from Penny’s purview. She made it as far as the pavillion before finally-

“-Chirp chirp-“ The alarm turned off. Flustered, Holly was already half way back to the parking lot. She gave the lake another wistful stare, before dropping her slip on shoes on the concrete slab of the pavilion’ s floor.

“So much for nature.” Holly sighed.

“Figured I’d return the favor!” Camille grinned evilly letting the heavy, grease stained bag slam on the desk.

“Huh?” Rachel looked up from her laptop. Having to make up for time lost all morning, Rachel had gone on something of a copywriting tear for the preceding hour & a half, & had been lost in thought with her eyes straining.

“A bit late, sure,” Camille purred as Trudy watched. “But figured I’d snag us lunch. Special!” Rachel recognized the smell before laying eyes on the large bag. It was a very unique aroma. One that haunted her, on account of how often the condo reeked of it.

“Buhh- Burger Palace?” Rachel winced.

“Ye-up!” Cami laughed. “I know how particular you all get with my fancy French delicacies. So I aimed for American A-F.” She started tearing through the bag. Rachel’s smirk & chuckle were both on the meek side. But Camille was too interested on the bag’s contents. As she divvied, her brash tone became more matter-of-fact. “It was like… so weird. After that donut, I just got like… hungrier & hungrier. And I had stuff to do, but by the time lunch rolled around, I was absolutely famished.” Pulling out a box of fries spilled a few loose ones onto Rachel’s desk. “So I hope you don’t mind.”

“Mind… what?” Asked Rachel, accepting her fries, trepidatiously.

“I got use each two.” Cami smirked, her playful tone coyly stuffed back down into a more mousy volume, if even for just a moment.

“Classics? You mean their like… double burgers?” Rachel’s eyes went white.

“A girl’s gotta eat, y’know!” The short chubby, darker complected young woman laughed, the brashness coming back to her voice.

“Yeah but like… that much?” Rachel’s reticence was becoming clear to Camille. And it frustrated her.

“You put away two dinners last night.” Cami tried to argue. The corner of Rachel’s lip snarled & her eyes darted in Trudy’s direction, as if Cami had blabbed something secret. Or at least something Rachel was somewhat ashamed of. “Okay then, Miss Pris.” She snarled, playing up how ungrateful an act Rachel was committing truly was. But it gave way to a wry smile. “I’ll just eat yours then.”

“And have three?!” Rachel asked, almost sounding guilty. Her mind was adamantly against that second burger. Her stomach on the other hand, could probably take her brain if the two were to square off over this one.

“Or we could compromise. You could feed it to me if yo-“

“NOT. HERE.” Her tone was gravely serious. Camille stiffened, but not by much. It was more like she’d gotten the intended rise out of her as she slinked to grab one of the department’s other empty chairs with something of a triumphant smile on her face.

Thinking back to how pawning that donut onto Camille seemed like the best course of action at the time, Rachel grabbed her first burger, very begrudgingly