Bellflower Part 42 (Patreon)

In this installment, despite experiencing a very bad day, Holly experiences a moment of clarity. But for how long? Also Rachel & Camille share a moment.

After a very long wait, it's finally here. I've been trying to work my way through it, but I sort of backed my way into a corner & had to try & establish a bunch of things all at once while also trying to handle Holly's angst. And while dealing with a myriad of things in my own life on top of that LoL Anyway I think I managed. If not, please be sure to let me know.

With my current schedule, I can't promise the next installment will follow as soon as a week, but definitely not the length between these last two. At least I hope. I think things will start calming down for me by the end of this month & hopefully I'll be able to fall back into a more reliable pace. At any rate, I really appreciate you sticking with me on this one! Hope you enjoy!

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42

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She knew she should’ve just gone down to her car. Called it a day, gotten the fuck out of there. But in the heat of the moment, she wasn’t thinking. And now, that served as just another thing to beat herself up over.

Instead, Holly had made a b-line to that floor’s women’s room. After realizing she was alone inside, she bolted the door behind her. And after that, she made her way to the wider access stall at the end. The custodian for their floor, Darius she thought his name was, was an older gentleman who usually went above & beyond. And for a public lavatory in an office building, things were absolutely pristine. The dark, faux marble finishes almost had a mirror like sheen themselves. In fact, things still smelled vaguely lemon-y. Almost a bit stingingly. But despite all of that, Holly still felt weird about the notion of sitting without having to go. After all, what she really needed was just a solitary moment to herself, to gather her thoughts. And well... mostly sob it out for a bit too. But sob then also, hopefully, eventually get to a place where she could better gather her thoughts. Before someone found out where she was hiding. Or just needed to use the room for its intended uses. The problem was, given her blow up? She felt like she was going to be there for quite a while.

She was a sad, angry, befuddled mess, standing in the corner of the larger, yet oddly, still kind of cramped stall, hugging herself tightly (mostly just not to touch an errant wall if she could avoid it), swaying, & softly blubbering. But doing so in a way as to try to maintain a volume that couldn’t be perceived on the other side of the door by any passerby. Or worse, someone she actually knew. Then again, all the hard surfaces made it so easy to echo, she wondered if there even was any hiding it.

Everything was an absolute mess.

“Is everything ok, Miss Holly?” Penny chimed, almost a little too loudly. Holly’s plump fingers fumbled for her phone.

“Oh Penny…” Holly winced, straining for composure. “No-” she eventually released. She could feel her makeup beginning to run as the dam finally busted, & literally all of the waterworks proceeded to flow.
“I am so terribly sorry to hear that, dear.” In the moment, even for the robot, the voice sounded so sincere & genuinely empathetic, it only made Holly unleash a little bit more emotion. “Why not tell me what the matter is?” It was exactly what she needed. Someone to confide in.

“I try to do good!” She tried passing through the tears & emotion, managing just barely. “I try to do the right thing. Help people. And what happens?” She hung rhetorically for a second, sniffling, trying to get a better grip. But she couldn’t find purchase. “They all like her better! Become her friend. And treat me like a fat dummy. Even when she didn’t like them!  They roll out the red carpet & give her all the things I was working towards. And for taking her in off the street, they all treat me like a… a...” She thought the word she was looking for was pariah, but she wasn’t sure & was so self-critical, she didn’t want to sound stupid. Even if it was only to a voice on her phone. “... Like chopped liver.” She finally settled on, realizing it made her sound eighty years old. The statement still stood though. And even though the phrase came from no one liking liver, on top of everything else, she was so hungry, it honestly didn’t sound too bad right about now.

“You sound terribly distraught. Would you like me to email Miss Deidre for you?  Get you out of work for the remainder of the day? That way you can come home, snuggle up in your jammies while I prepare a nice lunch for you, & you can go into much better detail in a more comfortable, not to mention private venue than a public restroom?”

“Oh, Penny.” Holly sniffled, ready to take her up on it. “That would be-”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! A knuckle rapped against the heavy wooden door, but the shock of the first jolted her.
Holly’s hands lost grip of her phone. She bobbled juggling it between thick palms, trying to bat it secure against herself. “Holly, are you in there?!” She failed to get a hold as it seemed to tumble past her hands. It would’ve landed straight down on the floor, if it hadn’t been for her tummy. Catching a corner, the trajectory ricocheted more laterally off the soft bulge under her olive green blouse. And proceeded to arc directly into the toilet. Kerplunk & all.

“Fuck!” She yell-whispered. But distracted, it was a little too loud.

“Miss Hol-?” she swore she heard cut off as the screen started to flash in the water.

“Holly?” She heard coming from the other side of the door. It sounded like Camille.

“Go. Away!” Holly huffily commanded, while staring down at her smartphone as it settled into the bottom of the trap. “Crap. Crap. Crap.” She darted around trying to think of what to do, but her options were limited. “Fuck.” she sank, becoming more increasingly aware of what was in fact her only option.

With a bit of a grunt, she started to try & bend over the bowl. But it took a bit of work. In what would’ve up until a few minutes ago, she placed her right hand on the marble tile wall to brace as she leaned further down.

“This sucks,” She whimpered. “Today sucks.” The tears started flowing again, albeit for slightly different reasons.

The water was much colder than she anticipated. She tried to take solace in the lemon-y scent of Darius’s cleaning job. And not think about how it was used by every single employee, delivery person, or visitor to this entire floo- wait. She bumped it with her fingers, the bending over to reach almost as difficult as getting over the idea. On the second contact, she pinched it between her index, middle fingers, & thumb. And the instant she realized she had it firmly secured, she retracted her thick arm back quickly, but not so quick to create a splash back.
Still leaning against the back wall, she daintily held her soaked phone at arm’s length as she let it drip off for a second. Hope beyond hope, the screen looked as though it was trying its level best to stay on. But she wasn’t overly optimistic. Not with how this whole day was going.

“Penny?!” Holly whispered through gritted teeth, while wrenching her neck away from her arm a bit more.

“Mi-tck Huh-zzz” Some Penny-sounding tones seemed to try to emanate from it, but tilting it a little inadvertently caused more of the nasty water to pour out of its tiny few orifices & back into the bowl. The screen seemed slowly short out, with the stylized Penny slowly distorting amongst glitches as the whole thing started to blink on & off.

“Fuck.” Holly griped, struggling to stand upright again. It took a bit of work. And there was no hiding the involuntary grunt as it reverberated off the faux marble a bit & caused more knocking from outside. Holly squinched her face, trying her best to ignore it. But moving as fast as she could, she had to “clean” her phone. Fast. Maybe try to dry it out under the automatic hand dryer? Wait, would that just cook it?

It had been quite some time since she’d had to move with urgency. But now between storming out of the office & now this, she felt a little… different. Maybe it was the adrenaline of dropping her phone. Or having to reach into a toilet. But suddenly? For one? Holly realized had lost her appetite. Like, she wasn’t hungry anymore. Which stood out to her, as she couldn’t remember the last time she wasn’t hungry!  She also didn’t remember having to enter the stall at a bit of an angle to avoid bumping the frame with her curves. Not in the same way she had to do in order to leave it now. Weird. But not as weird as when she looked up & caught her puffy red eyes in the mirror.

She couldn’t discern if it was the mirror, the lighting, or something else, but it was almost as if she was suddenly looking at herself with fresh eyes. And seeing herself, Holly thought she looked absolutely massive.

Continuing to step out sideways from the large stall on the end, she slowed, getting lost in the notion that she was more closely resembling the cartoonishly round version of herself from her nightmare this morning than she even realized. A round, dominating gut, straining the drab green fabric of her blouse, which suddenly itself seemed like a tent. But her tight black pants did little to leave anything to modesty. So tight to her soft flesh, they almost seemed painted. And as if her belly didn’t jut enough, her hips flared out almost as far. She looked beyond fat. Fuck, she realized, thinking she was starting to resemble Shannon. In all the wrong ways.

“Wait. Shannon. Her name was Shannon! Fuck!” Holly cursed herself for forgetting her best friend’s name earlier. Why couldn’t she think of it then? And why did it come to her now oh so quickly? Automatically even. The realization was just enough to jostle her out of staring. But it was at this point that Holly realized that she had lost all sense of urgency & two of her sausage like fingers were still touching her gross, toilet waterlogged phone.
“Ech!” With a disgusted scoff, she daintily flicked it onto the counter space between the center two sinks, droplets landing next to it as a puddle formed from the speaker hole. Another flicker of Penny’s stylized face flashed on it for a split second before glitching away to glossy black as the moisture inside made its way to places moisture oughtn’t be.

Turning on the faucet & pumping soap into her “clean” hand, Holly began rinsing the left one that had done all the dirty work under the warm water, the plump fingers oddly looking even thicker… but also… not?! This led her back to becoming more preoccupied with her reflection once again. Washing her hands thoroughly, but not taking her eyes off herself.

It was such an odd sensation. Almost as if something of a fog had been lifted. It wasn’t like she had suddenly ballooned up another hundred pounds since the last she looked in the mirror this morning, struggling to get dressed this morning. Hell with the exception of a pretty carb-loaded breakfast bloating her tummy just a teensy bit, she entirely recognized the fact she was roughly the same size, the same shape both times. But it was almost as if earlier? It was almost as if she... perceived herself a hundred pounds less. Maybe even a hundred & fifty pounds less. Almost like the weight was still all very much there, but some part of her… just wasn’t acknowledging as much of it?

Then it dawned on her. Was this the version of herself that Rachel saw? That Rachel was so concerned about? On the one hand, it did justify some of her sister’s seemingly incessant whining. If the shoe was on the other food, hell, she may have dragged, maybe rolled, Rachel to a doctor by now. And realized the only reason Rachel probably hadn’t was because of Holly’s own stubbornness. But on the other, realizing this little weight problem of hers was worse than even she realized didn’t sit all that well with an already deeply upset Holly. No wonder she was breaking chairs. Oh god, she thought, spinning in place a bit. There was so much ass.

“I’m not going anywhere, Hol!” Camille bellowed through the door. Another door, further down the darker end of the hallway opened. Copywriting. For a second, Camille’s heart fluttered. Could it be Rachel?

“Is something the matter?” Trudy asked kind of blankly. Even with her work in HR, Camille had very minimal interaction with them personally, knowing them mostly through Rachel’s stories.

“Is Rachel in yet?” Camille asked softly with a bit of a wince. Trudy simply shook their head no.

“It’s… it’s ok, I can… I think I can handle this.” Camille tried to smile. “Thanks though.” Slowly, Trudy seemed to comply by sticking their head back in the otherwise empty department. Camille knocked again & raised her voice to be heard inside. “Look, if you need time to yourself, I mean, I get it. But I just want you to know that right now, I’m here to listen, alright? Whenever you’re ready.”

“I’m a fucking cow.” Is what it sounded like she got in return. It was faint enough for Camille to hear, but question the accuracy of.

“Say again.” Camille squinted towards the door.

“Go the fuck away!” came through a lot clearer this time.
“Already established I’m not doing that.” Camile stubbornly sighed. She let a few more seconds of silence linger. “Look, if this is about me & Rachel, I-” She bit her lip. It was awkward enough, the tactful way to address it eluded her. “She’s just…” A false start. She couldn’t even tell if Holly was listening for sure. “I mean, she’s just a lot different than a lot of the driven, young professionals around here, you know? More like the type of cool, down to earth girl I saw myself as in some ways. And with more life experience than growing up sheltered. And then going right into a dumb office job.” She paused, hoping Holly was listening. “If us… hanging out bothers you, or hey! If you’re feeling left out? We can totally maybe, um-” The door started to jostle. Camille abruptly shut up as her posture became more rigid & alert.

Out through a sliver of open door, a puffy red eye, with make-up trailing down the corners in dark striations, peeked through.

“When did I get… this fat?” Holly choked.

“Wait. Is this… all because of… the chair?” For a second, Camille felt pretty ridiculous. Here she was going off about her & Rachel needlessly. Fuck. She realized she was doing that shitty thing she did. With her whole response to this. Making it all about her the way she shouldn’t! Holly was her friend & she needed to be there for her. At the same time, they way she had seen this woman completely house pastries at their ladies’ nights in the past, almost with a bit of envy; now, after breaking one chair she was suddenly concerned? “Uh… it’s this sedentary office work.” Camille grasped at. “We’re all sitting around here, getting office ass.”

“But like…” Holly started timidly. “I figured that much. I knew I sort of le-let myself go, just a bit.” she admitted. She opened the door a bit wider, as if to reveal herself to Camille with the way she saw herself through new eyes. But Camille had already seen her this morning. “I… I’m almost getting to be where Shannon was.”

Somewhere, vocal recognition picked up on Holly’s voice faintly. After losing her for just a few minutes, she was coming through another means. Not too far away from where she was last pinged. And some adjustments were tweaked.

“Shannon? Who…?” Camille asked after a slight pause.

“Sha-” Holly went to clarify, but that memory she had just finally retrieved was already fleeting from her again too. “Our friend? Didn’t we have, like, a much heavier-set friend?”

“I don’t… maybe? Sounds familiar.” Now that Holly mentioned it. There was a very vague reminder of someone on the edge of her brain. Not having more of a memory about them, in & of itself, seemed notable, but Camille’s top priority was to get Holly to calm down. “Look.” She leveled, leaning against the door. Even if Camille was a bit heavy herself, it didn’t seem to budge with all of Holly’s weight behind it. “You’re… fine. We all struggle with our bodies from time to time.”

“But-” Holly winced protestingly.

“Don’t know if you noticed,” Camille cut her off. “But I’m not exactly the sveltest I’ve ever been myself.” She said, kneading & pinching her own paunchy middle. “I’m sure what happened was pretty embarrassing in the moment-”

“It’s not-” Holly protested again, this time even weaker.

“But like… the thing you have to understand? Everybody loves you, Holly. You’re like one of the most well liked & respected people on this entire floor! You always go out there & give it your best, while still being kind & compassionate. No one thinks anything less about you! Not because of a dumb chair. And they don’t think you should think any less about yourself just because you’re having a rough day! And fucking hell, did Dan ever deserve getting his shit called out! To all the women in there, you’re practically a hero!” She giggled. Holly’s lips puckered into almost a smile.

“I just-” she attempted after a few seconds. Camille pushily interjected again.

“You just need to take a deep breath, wipe away that make-up, & fuck, just take a mental health day. Hell, it seems like that’s what Deidre’s doing too. Just go home & veg, you know?” The thought of that did appeal to Holly as her appetite slowly started to come back. Just a small lunch though! She had to limit herself.

“Y’know, you’re not so bad at this human relations business.” Holly attempted to joke, wiping away the last of her tears. Her younger colleague smiled.

“Only because I picked a few things up from the best.” She nodded back. Holly smirked. “Now did you drive? Want me to walk you down to your car?” Camille offered.

The shuttle let her off at the curb. Off the morning rush schedule, it was a slightly longer wait than usual but only by like five minutes. Rachel attempted to call Holly one more time, but the last three attempts worryingly went straight to voicemail. She ran up the courtyard into the vestibule & the lobby, where no matter the type of day, people seemed to aimlessly bustle.

“Hey you!” She suddenly heard from a familiar voice. Rachel whipped her neck back & forth, only to see Cami standing off to the side. She was at the lobby’s own micro-bistro, leaning by the edge of the counter, snacking on a danish & drinking their mediocre coffee. A bit weird, because Rachel knew for a fact her new friend hated their “cheap facsimile of what they think a bistro is supposed to be,” remembering Cami bagging on it, unprompted in several of their conversations. “You just missed Holly.”

“Is she…?” a still panic Rachel asked on approach, slightly out of breath. Camille attempted to wave her concern away.

“Relax!” She smiled warmly. “All taken care of.” She took a bite, shaking off some of the flaky crust. “She’s taking a half day. We just stopped here to get her a wrap on the way out.”

“A wrap?” Rachel sighed. Seemed way too light for her sister these days.

“Said she was hungry.” Cami shrugged.

“What even-” Rachel tried to ask.

“Don’t know all the ins & outs of it, honestly.” Cami admitted. “She came in a little… miffed to begin with.”
“Sounds like her.” Rachel said, leaning on the counter to catch her breath.

“But she leaned the wrong way & her chair gave out.” Cami didn’t seem to think much of this detail. But Rachel’s eyes widened. “And I’m not going to lie. She let out this little yelp. And it was a little funny... in the moment, y’know? Well she got embarrassed. Heard Creepy Dan laugh, freaked out at him, & then ran & locked herself in the bathroom.”
“Holly…?” Rachel asked. Given their long & sorted past, it wasn’t like she couldn’t see her sister flipping out, more that Holly just always seemed to reserve her flip outs for when they were in private. Never public. No, public flip outs were more Rachel’s thing. Something was up. “So…?”

“So then I don’t even know what happened, but something happened to her phone, compounding things. Just all-around bad day, it seemed-”

“Her phone?” Rachel perked after a second, the implications slowly dawning. “Did she lose it? Break it?”

“I think… she dropped it or something?” Cami shrugged. “But it wasn’t working.” She sipped her coffee. “Anyway, when I finally got her to open the door, she was super self-conscious.”

“What did she say?” Rachel leaned in. Camille leaned back a little, noting a strange eagerness from Rachel.

“She was just… concerned with her body. Her weight. Seemed like she was just mortified after the whole chair thing.” Cami squinted, unsure of why Rachel seemed to almost be suppressing a smile. “I think I managed to talk her down though.”

“So then…?”

“So then we made our way down here, got a bite to eat, & she went home.” Upon hearing the word “home,” Rachel almost seemed to deflate.

“Back to the Bellflower?” Rachel muttered.

“... What’s with you?” Cami noted with a furrowed brow. “Did I… fuck something up...?”

“What? Oh.” Rachel responded after a beat, not doing much to reassure her friend. “No. Y-You did fine. Thanks! I mean it.” Rachel nodded, making a halfhearted attempt at eye contact. “I just- I wish I got here a little sooner’s all.” Cami wasn’t buying it.

“Look,” she said with a sigh. “I know you two have your issues. But I also think I know you well enough now to where I can tell you’ve got something weighing heavily on your mind.” Rachel looked up at her thoughtfully. In a way that just kind of reinforced her suspicions. “If you’re feeling up to it, maybe after you & Holly talk? Why not come over tonight.” Her hand very subtly found its way on top of Rachel’s. “I’m here to listen.” Rachel smirked. But held back a laugh. Camille might have been able to there was something, but the utter insanity of just what that thing was? Rachel imagined it’d send her for a loop.
“We’ll see.” Rachel sighed, still trying to suppress a full smile. “In fact, probably. Just… well… Holly’s not the only one out of sorts today. Off to kind of a late start myself.”

“I’ll say.” Cami chuckled, pantomiming a gaze at her wrist. “Trudy was askin’ for ya.”

“I’m sure they’re managing fine. But… I really oughta be…”
“Well c’mon!” Cami said, grabbing her coffee & shoving the last bit of danish into her maw. “Let’s ride back up together.” Rachel smirked.

There was a sense of relief & like… familiarity almost, that hit her the instant she shuffled onto the elevator. Finishing the last two bites of her wrap, she almost melted. Home.

“Oh Miss Holly!” Penny chimed from the button panel speaker. “I was very concerned! Is everything alright?”

“It’s…” The parking garage disappeared behind the shiny metal doors. It wasn’t as crystal clear as a mirror, but their reflection, Holly could see herself again. And she almost felt a little bit silly now. Was it just the mirror at work? She was chunky. Fat even, sure. But nowhere close to the blimp she swore she saw before. Big, for sure, but nowhere near as troublingly so.

“Miss Holly…?” Penny nudged.

“It’s fine. I’m… fine. Well… better anyway.” She resigned, flashing a soft grin. “So much better now that I’m home.”

“Well that is a bit more reassuring.” Penny chirped as suddenly a loud gurgle crescendoed above the elevator’s soft hum. The healthy wrap had accomplished nothing in sating her returning hunger.

“Pardon.” Holly excused her once again needy tummy.

“I should be the one begging your pardon.” Penny said a bit solemnly.

“Why?” Holly perplexed.

“I was not quite sure of what to do when our conversation was abruptly cut off,” the AI chimed. “But in lieu of finding out what you would like for lunch, I made the executive decision to order Burger Palace for you.” Holly’s face lit up from behind her chubby cheeks, as she restrained a happy gasp. “I hope that is acceptable given ev-”

“Uh, YEE-ah!” Holly resoundingly affirmed. “Very much so.” Getting something of a sharp hunger pang, she braced her belly with her right hand with a slight wince. “Ooooh, in fact… could this elevator maybe move a bit faster?!”

“Oh Miss Holly,” Penny seemed to almost giggle. “You certainly are a riot!”