Late-night Thoughts (Patreon)

Something has been on my mind for the past several months.

Every day, I wake up, I draw, and then I go to sleep, to wake up and draw yet again and again. I am absolutely blessed to at last be at the point where my art sustains my family, and yet I feel as though I am...uninspired. Many of you know that last year was hard and painful for me (and for those who don’t know, I won’t waste your time explaining it to you. I promise I’m ok and healing now). Many of the things, hobbies and people I used to be passionate for no longer spark joy for me, and I feel melancholic or bitter thinking about them. I spent years as a fandom artist for a fandom I no longer love...so what now?

I now realize this emptiness I feel is because my art has no passion. It simply...is. That personal spark of joy is gone, replaced by sadness or nothingness and I’m not sure what I should do. Fandoms are a wonderful and an awful thing, and now having seen the animosity of the darkest part of what people can do I find myself hesitant to jump into fandoms again. If I draw too much of any one thing that I love, I will inevitably invite another fandom, and more pain to myself. Where does that leave me? I keep trying new things, and new things are wonderful, but I need something consistent I can love to fill that hole in my art.

Knowing the problem is half the cure, and I’m more so typing this to make a declaration of how I feel than anything else. With any luck, acknowledging my dilemma will lead to its solution. Maybe I should abandon fandoms entirely, maybe I should devote all my time to this strange niche I’ve nestled into, maybe I should return to fandoms without fear. I dont know what I should do but will hopefully figure it out.

I truly love what I do, and I always find pleasure in challenging myself in new ways to elevate my art and create better work for all of you. You mean so much to me and I am always and forever grateful for you, but I know that for my art to be it’s best I need to re-find my passion, to have something in it for me and me alone that is still rewarding to create. I havent posted much art to my primary twitter these days and it barely feels like it’s “primary” at all anymore. This is likely due to everything I’ve been saying. I feel bad that my loss of direction has deprived my followers of art, but I’m unsure what to do.

You aren’t obligated to respond to this, and I dont plan on making a notice in my discord of this post either. I would appreciate some thoughts but this is my problem and not yours, so as such I will promise to you all I’ll find my solution, and my passion. Thank you as always.

I hope this is succinct and not too hard to follow. It’s a bit late here and I’m not proofreading much, if at all.