letting go </3 sad horsegirl summer (Patreon)

Depression feels like being homesick for a home that never was. I try to reason with myself when I feel that dark cloud stand over me. I tell myself that it's just a wave, and it will pass under... as long as I stay on top of it. And it always does, eventually. But if I fight with it, try to outrun it, or ignore it, it will creep back in.

For me, having a clear and *realistic* goal keeps me in a routine and helps stave off that sadness. If I let my depression go unchecked, it will develop into low self-esteem. If I let my depression turn into low self-esteem, I don't believe I can feel better so I won't even try.

I have lost years of my life to low self-esteem caused by depression (no really), sitting around in self-pity waiting for something to change so I can feel better. Yes, I am thankful for the miserable times, because they taught me that I have all the tools to get to a better place. But holy sh*t, when you have experienced the kind of darkness that swallows up all the joy in your life, there is a deep fear that it will come back. And that fear creates the type of tight-grip-on-everything that bottlenecks all the magic out of life.

Fear can manifest in ways you might not expect: perfectionism, controlling behavior, inability to trust, anxiety, and panic attacks. The result of fear is that we become rigid and inflexible, unable to enjoy life as it constantly changes.

So in a way, making content while I am feeling feels is cathartic and allows me to "release" that tight grip I keep on my emotions. Making off-brand content also releases my expectations! The further away from perfectionism I get, the more creative I become. For me, Creativity is my antidote to depression- it's the "tool" I use to claw my way out of sorrow. I cannot be creative if I am not willing to let go.

Sorry for getting all deep on y'all. Maybe this will help someone.

-Nat

"I took my life from negative to positive, I just want y'all to know that. And tonight, let's enjoy life." - Pitbull