The Rumors of my Death - Mostly False (Patreon)

I think it would be difficult to write a "coming back" post no matter how I started it. I think I summarized my thoughts fairly succinctly in the video I just posted on the channel, the one where I turned a review of a Gas Station Simulator game into a discussion of working life in the United States, you know, that one. My last post here on Patreon described some seasonal burnout I experience every summer, but this time was different, it lasted for three years.

I've talked to many of you one on one about my burnout, and you know that it came from a variety of causes. Youtube is a difficult platform to engage with fully and not be on an emotional rollercoaster, it's kind of their brand. The content that I made which got the most attention (Payday) was content that, almost the entire time, I was trying to move away from, but was statistically dis-incentivized by Youtube's algorithm to do anything but Payday. I was online a huge amount, and the channel infused with a lot of my time and more importantly, my personal energy and my ego. I found that I was getting a big head about myself when videos did well, and feeling worthless when they did poorly or I got poor feedback on them. I'm not sure if any one person could say that they are ready to ride that rollercoaster, or would be aware of it when it started to happen.

I want to write a longer piece about this whole experience, what my plans are, etcetera, but It may take me a while to process the burnout, partially because it is very personal. It may be something that I have to process and never share publicly. I like to think about myself as a creative person, what does it say about me if I find myself unable to be creative for an extended period of time? What is my worth outside of making things or being in a certain job or profession? That's rough stuff to deal with internally, let alone share with the world. What I will say is that I'm not done with making videos about videogames. I've remained passionate about gaming my whole life, and I still want to talk about it. I don't want, however, to do "coverage" in the same way that I used to. With my Gas Station Sim video, I was trying to definitively branch out into talking about wider subjects, with a particular game or system as the focus point. That's closer to the kind of content I want to make going forward.

I am going to keep the Patreon going, because I do like being paid for work, or content or entertainment. I had previously listed as a goal to be able to make enough from Youtube to make it a full time job. I'm not sure anymore that's a good idea for me. I think I need a job that forces me out of my home office, to do work in the real world, interacting with people primarily face-to-face. I wouldn't say that's what EVERYONE needs, but I think that it's certainly what I need: balance. A day-job cannot be my whole life, but Youtube cannot be my whole life either. That was not an expectation that anyone put on me, rather an expectation I put on myself, and that's a head-game that would be best to disengage from.

Like I said, it's complicated, and I don't know if I could concisely sum up all of my thoughts and feelings about burning out, running a Youtube channel, the meaning of life, etcetera. Your takeaways will be these: I'm not done doing Youtube, I'll stay here on Patreon as well as branch out to other social platforms, but I'm not going to spend as much time on the channel as before. I set up the Patreon from the beginning so that it was output-dependent, so if you plan on sticking around to support this work on the channel, it will only be for what actually gets made.

In the mean time, I do have a video I plan to drop this week, and here's a draft version up, just for you here on the Patreon, for the first couple of days that I have it ready. Enjoy, and let me know your thoughts about all of this, I would love to hear feedback, your take on the absence as it were. Looking forward to it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YAJZMTad8M