Dadbod, part 3 (Patreon)

‘Oh my God, you have to try this!’

Me and Paula had just found this amazing Thai place on Fisherman’s Row. It must have been our fifth or sixth ‘new favorite’ eatery in Cresthaven that month. 

‘Put this in your face,’ she told me and passed a potsticker dipped in a sweet chili and honey sauce, which I cackhandedly picked at with my chopsticks. 

We were meeting most lunchtimes, exploring the town. It turned out this place was a gold mine for incredible food! 

‘Mmmf, thassamazing,’ I told Paula, in taste-heaven. 

I’d gotten no closer to finding out who sent me the box of muffins on my first night (Mrs Cassidy just looked at me like I was crazy. Paula had simply shrugged) and to be honest it’d gotten sorta shuffled to the back of my mind over time, but I had been pursuing my newfound interest: Stuffing myself. Over the weeks since arriving here I’d gained almost 20 pounds; I was now up to 267 on the scales and in need of some new shirts and pants. Everything was getting a little snug. I loved it. 

‘So, Dicky, I got something to tell you...,’ Paula began. 

‘Oh God, what is it? Is it bad?’ I asked, getting back to my pad thai noodles coated in crispy crushed peanuts. 

Work at the market was hard, and the early starts weren’t ideal, but it sure as heck gave me an appetite! Plus it afforded a lot of spare time to wander about the town, poking into all its nooks and crannies; I was really starting to love Cresthaven.

‘No, dummy,’ she said, then added in a sing-songy voice, ‘I got a date tonight!’ 

‘What? That’s awesome!’ I said. ‘Who with?’

‘His name’s Lance - don’t make that face - he’s really sweet! He works in the city but lives here. We got talking at the market last Saturday and he wants to take me to Spinni’s for dinner tonight.’

‘Is that - that’s the fancy place up on Westbridge, right?’

We were getting to know our local geography pretty well. I could name you like 20 restaurants off the top of my head by now. 

‘Yeah, they got that roof terrace with the piano player and everything.’

‘You’re going all upmarket on me.’

‘Ha! Hardly.’ Paula munched on another potsticker and made an ‘ecstasy’ face. ‘Anyway, when are we gonna find you a man, Rich? You can’t deny the good people of Cresthaven the Dooley Love forever.’

I think I probably shrank into my seat a little. I’d rather have talked about anything else, all told. After what happened with Angel... I don’t know. Even just the thought of dating made me self-conscious. 

There was a gay bar in town, The Gate. I knew this because it was along my daily route to work and I made a point of avoiding it. I’d figured out all the detours so’s I didn’t have to pass it by. I was much happier drinking beer in the fisherman’s pub down along the beachfront where they all glared at me for being the youngest one in there. Okay, maybe not ‘happier’, per se. 

Did Paula have a point? Should I be getting back on the horse? 

‘I don’t know,’ was all that I could say in response. I took a sip of soda. 

Paula slid her hand across the table and took my giant one. 

‘Don’t let that dickwad win, okay?’ she said. ‘They’re not all like that.’ 

The thought stuck to me for the rest of the day. Maybe Paula was right. Maybe I shouldn’t let a bad experience sour me off the whole thing. I just didn’t feel sure at all. 

‘Mr Gerhardt, sir,’ I asked my boss when I was back to work, belly full of delicious Thai food. ‘Do you - How do you know when it’s right to start... dating?’

Mr Gerhardt (who’d also known nothing about the mystery muffin box, by the way) paused momentarily in his price-labeling of kitty treats. He grunted, though I think it was one of his happier grunts; I was getting better at deciphering them. 

‘Good question,’ he said. 

And that was all he said. 

Walking home from work, I had a knot in my stomach. The Gate was just a bar, for crying out loud. Why did the prospect of going to a bar make me feel like - like I was falling down a well or something? The turning was coming up; I could either take my usual detour through the park, or face this thing head on. 

What if everyone laughed at me? I was an out-of-towner. And I always stuck out cos of my height. 

I could just go in for a beer. Just one. Then I could say I’d done it, at least. 

Come on, Richard. You got this.

I took the left-hand turning this time. The Gate was right there. I just had to be casual. Just be cool. I shook the tension out of my hands, smoothed my shirt down some, and took a deep breath. 

I went in. 

‘What’ll it be?’

‘Huh?!’

‘Whatdya want to drink?’

‘Oh! Whatever beer you got on tap!’

How did anyone hear each other in this place? The music was so loud! 

I took my beer, nodded thanks to the barman and slowly turned in my barstool with the very strong feeling that I was being watched. Despite the daylight hour, The Gate was kinda gloomy on the inside but I could see pockets of guys hanging out here and there, and some older loners who weren’t even trying to conceal their open stares. I can’t say it made me feel particularly comfortable. Then a sudden thought: What if the sender of the mystery box was here? Could it be someone in this room? But if so, why weren’t they coming to talk to me? Whoever had sent it clearly knew I was “tall and ginger-haired”. The more I thought on it, the more unlikely it seemed that they would be here after all. I drank my beer faster than usual. Maybe this whole thing had been a mistake. Okay, well I could tick this off the list now, at least.

Local gay bar: Done. 

‘Hi.’

I looked up from my beer to see a guy my age in good shape with great hair smiling at me. 

‘Uh, hi,’ I said, still raising my voice to be heard over... whatever this music was. 

‘I’m Todd,’ the guy said. He was shorter than me. But that’s because everyone was shorter than me. 

‘Hi,’ I said again like a dope. 

‘What’s your name?’

‘Oh right, haha. I’m Richard,’ I fumbled. ‘Sorry.’

‘Haha, that’s okay,’ said Todd. ‘I haven’t seen you in here before. Just visiting, or...?’

Todd was cute. He had kind of a twinkle in his eye. A part of me hoped he’d sent the box, likelihood be damned. 

‘I just moved to town like a month ago, so...,’ I said, not quite knowing how to finish the sentence.

‘They like their fresh meat in here,’ Todd said, gesturing broadly about the room. ‘Sorry about that.’

‘Oh.’ I waved my hand stupidly. ‘That’s alright.’

‘I haven’t seen you on any apps or anything. You on Woofr or anything like that?’

‘Uh, my phone’s kinda borked, it doesn’t do that stuff too well,’ I admitted. I’d never had much interest in all of that, either, if I was being totally honest. There was also the fact that Mrs Cassidy’s building was something of a wi-fi black hole...

Todd scrunched his face a little. ‘Ohh okay, haha. Can I get you another?’

I’d made it halfway down my pint glass but wasn’t about to turn down free beer. 

‘Okay sure, it’s that, uh...’ I pointed to the nearest tap. ‘That one, haha.’

‘A beer man? Butch,’ Todd smirked. 

I didn’t know if that was good or bad, so just smiled. 

We got talking for a while after that. The beer helped loosen me up some. It turned out he was some kind of junior social media manager, and I wasn’t totally sure what that entailed so I nodded and made all the right noises (I think). He didn’t seem to mind that I worked at the market. In fact I think the mention of lifting heavy goods appealed to him in some way. He made more than one comment about my being ‘manly’ and ‘macho’. I thought I was just, I don’t know, like plain, I guess, but I was happy that he seemed to be into me. We drank on for a while until it got dark outside. The bar would soon be kicking us out. 

‘Hey, do you like muffins?’ I asked with beer-fueled confidence. 

‘Uhhh, I suppose…? Hehe, why?’ 

‘Oh, no reason.’ Never mind, but then I added, ‘Hey, do you wanna come back to my place?’

I don’t know why I blurted it out. I guess... he was cute and there was enough drink in my belly by that point. I was a single guy, right? Wasn’t this what single people did? 

I was actually pretty surprised when he clinked my glass against his and told me, ‘I’ll get my jacket.’

As we wandered along the cobbled lamplit streets towards the map store, my slightly befuddled mind tried to think of ways I might float the notion of Todd feeding me. If he was into big tall guys with a dadbod, maybe he’d wanna help grow mine, you know?

‘Are you hungry?’ I asked. ‘Wanna grab something to eat?’

‘Nah, I’m actually on a diet,’ he responded. 

That was pretty much cold water on that idea. 

A few moments later he was following me up the iron spiral staircase and I was working the key into the lock with some effort. 

‘This is me,’ I said, cos I’d heard other people say this line when inviting people back to their homes. I don’t know why I felt so self-conscious. 

‘Woah, check out this view!’ Todd exclaimed after he’d followed me into the main room. ‘Damn, I’m impressed, especially for a market salary.’

I shrugged and gave a nervous laugh. 

‘Is that - Is that a VHS player? Oh my God,’ he laughed. 

It was indeed. I’d brought it to Cresthaven with me, along with some of my favorite movies on video. Helpfully, there was already an old TV here to hook it up to. 

‘Yeah, haha,’ I joined in on the mirth. ‘I love old horror movies, especially from the 80s or late 70s. Some 90s too. A lot of that stuff you can’t find anywhere else. It’s just the tapes.’

‘It’s so... retro...’ He made a face. 

‘It’s dumb, I know.’ Again I laughed. 

‘And what’s this? This is cool,’ he added. 

I had the strong urge to grab the painted wooden carving he’d picked up, and snatch it safely away, but knew that would be a severely uncool thing to do. 

‘That’s, uh... Its just like a hobby, I guess,’ I told him. ‘I carved it out of some spare firewood that was here when I moved in.’

‘You made this? It’s really cool. Kind of low-poly. Is it a horse? I love the colors, how they fade into each other.’

Woodwork was something my Dad had taught us - Or rather me; I was the one who’d taken to it - growing up. 

‘Thanks,’ I said, instantly relieved when he placed the carving back down. 

‘Handsome and talented,’ he said, sauntering over to me. 

Then he unbuttoned the top of my shirt, and motioned that I should do the rest. My fingers messed up a couple times and I tried not to turn red or show that I’d maybe had one too many beers. But exposing my belly to him felt good. It felt hot, even. His eyes roamed over my big tall body, my shirtless torso with growing lovehandles and burgeoning ball belly. 

‘Let me go freshen up a sec, okay?’ he said. ‘Is that the bathroom? This door here?’

I nodded and off he went. I couldn’t deny, it felt good to have a man in my apartment, someone who’d approached me, who wanted me. And Todd was cute as hell. I felt myself getting aroused. Would it have been nice if he’d been up for some food? Absolutely. Maybe I could suggest it again another time. See, now I was thinking about getting fed, and that was making me even hornier. It fascinated me, this link between my desire to gain weight and my sex drive...

‘... terrible...’ I heard whispered through the bathroom door. 

I stopped. 

There was more. ‘... know what to do... stuck in his bathroom...’

What? What did he mean he was stuck in there? Did he need my help? I moved closer to the door.

‘... took his shirt off and he was way fatter than he looked with it on...’

I felt blood rush to my face.

‘... you know when you’re like “This isn’t what I ordered”?... Don’t make me laugh, he’ll hear me... God, I wish there was a window in this bathroom I could just climb out of.... What did I get myself into?... You know he’s not even on Woofr, like what the actual hell... It’s like being on a date with my dad... Oh my God, don’t get me started on the VHS player... yes, seriously!... Just sad and fat...’

My heart couldn’t have sunk any lower. It felt like the ground was swallowing me whole. 

When the door suddenly swung open, I couldn’t even look him in the eye.

‘Hey, so-‘ he began. 

‘Don’t bother,’ I cut across him, still glaring at the floor, my face probably crimson. I was not going to cry in front of this asshole. 

‘What? What do you-‘ This time he became defensive. 

‘Get out.’

‘What the hell? Chill-‘

‘Now.’

I looked up and saw realization on his face; he knew I’d heard. 

‘Listen, if you hadn’t-‘

‘GET OUT!’

I marched over to the front door, felt him flinch slightly while I wrenched it open. And I simply stood there until he got the picture. He wouldn’t make eye contact as he slunk past, but I heard him mutter something about me being “a psycho” on his way back down the spiral staircase. 

I slammed the door, not caring for Mrs Cassidy’s damned rules, and stood over by the window. The ocean was calm out there. I, however, was shaking. I had a stupid impulse to put my shirt back on, even though there was no need. As soon as I sat my 267 pound body down onto the edge of the bed, I felt the tears break through my defenses. They came hot and fast, racing down my scarlet cheeks, becoming trapped in my ginger stubble. I felt my body convulse. I didn’t even try to stop it. 

I just laid down on the bed, and cried.